Am I ace or is it trauma?

[EntireSunset]

Hello folks, 

 

I posted a version of this in another thread already but thought it could fit here as well. My name is Julia, I am 25 years old and I am veeerrryyyy new to all of this. I got out of two very unhealthy toxic relationships recently which gave me some room to take some time to discover myself and somehow I stumbled over the term "asexuality" on the way and was stoked when I realised all the wrong stereotypes I had in my mind and even more when I realised that a lot of the things I read kinda applied to me. But I am still so damn confused...

 

Learning the difference between all the different kinds of attractions already helped a lot. I think I do and did experience romantic, aesthetic and sensual attraction up until now because I have been in love before, but funny as it is, I think I always mistook aesthetic attraction for sexual attraction. Like I can see people that are good looking and attractive, and I do look at body parts that are highly sexualised but I just never felt any urge to really act sexually based on that. I think maybe mostly maybe about kissing them or cuddling with them or touching them.

It probably says a lot about me that I did google "what does sexual attraction feel like" recently. I was so surprised when I read that some allos described actually having moments where they saw a person and thought something along the line of "I want to have sex with them". That was so interesting to me cause I am pretty sure that I never experienced that. Although I have been sexually active up until now (even if very rarely and mostly only when initiated by my exes) and I did enjoy it every once in a while (but could not get lost in it); i never felt like it was an important part of my life and I could never really see how people had trouble "restraining" from sex or talked about being so "horny" cause they did not have sex for a while. 

 

What makes it so darn confusing is also that I have some traumatic experiences in my past, also around the topic of sex. So I am not that sure whether my lack of sexual attraction or desire is maybe "just" connected to my trauma. Even though just today I was thinking to myself if maybe my trauma is related to my asexuality as it included someone overstepping my boundaries cause I did not feel ready for the sexual actions and was completely overwhelmed by the experience. Maybe it is also all interconnected, I am not sure. 

 

In my last relationship there was always so much drama about sex. It felt like a chore I had to fulfill, something I owed to my ex. Unfortunately he also had a way of overstepping my boundaries and so I did and "fulfilled my chore". It felt like I owed him that. But I cant remember a time where I looked at him and thought "wow, he is so hot, I want to have sex with him right now". I never thought that about any of my partners up until now or anyone. I did have sex, cause I could get aroused but it was actually very hard to stay aroused. My mind would wander off easily. And I just dont know whether it had to do with them and/or the relationships being that toxic killing my desire from the get go cause my initial experiences with sex were already so toxic or if I am just "wired" that way. Don't know if there are maybe any ace folks around here that can have similar experiences and can offer some insight on that?

 

Because I can get turned on I would say for example when sex scenes come on in movies or series or when watching porn but I just never think of a specific person and wouldnt want to get sexual with anyone right then and there. There is some fear when I think about someone touching me in a sexual way which feels immediately like someone is overstepping my boundaries and I think that is definitely connected to my trauma but there is also a part of me that just isnt really interested. Like, I think, I would not mind, not having sex for a long time and I completely dont understand the hook up culture or the concept of "sexual tension" for example in shows like "Too Hot To Handle". 

 

I am also struggling with getting a grasp on what genders I feel attracted to cause up until now I feel like I was kinda just going with "the usual" (heteronormative bs) and doing it with the guys that approached me but I am not even sure if I am maybe not also into other genders. But I find it so hard to distinguish while having difficulties feeling that sexual attraction. 

 

Oh god, I am sorry that I rambled so much 😮 No idea if this makes any sense...I am just sooooo confused at the moment  

 

I would be so happy about any input from any of you folks. 

 

Love you, 

Julia

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi Julia.

 

I think it might be useful to think about sex as intimacy with someone you like and trust. In that direction, it's not about how someone looks or just being aroused by how hot they are or needing to do it beyond what you want. And I wonder what sex would mean to you in that context, where you really like someone and they're not pressuring you into it, and it's then about what you want. What do you think?

 

The most important is finding what you want, and having boundaries when it goes beyond what you're comfortable with. Not everyone wants sex with strangers, or just from visual attraction, and it's usually about more, with intimacy in mind. If you did have someone you felt good with and trusted, how would you prefer to express intimacy? Would it go on sexual. Would you be ok with no sexuality at all in relationships? (replaced by other forms of intimacy)

 

All things that can be important to know for yourself. And you can stay open and see what it all means to you. And if you don't want sexuality for now then it's ok too. Regardless of the labels .

My initial impression was that you might relate to graysexuality (or ace-spec in general). But could be useful to share more of your thoughts. Hope you find what's good with you

 

[EntireSunset]

Hi Sarah-Sylvia, 

 

first of all, thank you for your quick reply

 

Phew, that is a good question. And I am not that sure. I think I had a relationship when I was younger where I made my first experiments with sexual activities and I was in love. And there was also some drama around sex too. He didnt pressure me but I also had the feeling that it is like a chore and that it is in a way expected of me. In the initial stages of the relationship there were some hormones involved and we were sexually active but the experiences in the end never felt really good for me. Not because he wasnt skilled but because I couldnt really get into it. I didnt experience this kind of "rush" that others talked about and I never felt turned on by him.  I felt much more connected to him when we cuddled, held hands or shared intimate thoughts with each other. I could go a very long time without sex and I didnt mind at all.

During the times with my latests ex where I felt loved I never really saw sex as an expression of love either. It was somehow not connected in my mind. I also sometimes felt gross about it. I often liked the idea in my head but never when it turned into reality. 

At the moment I do not feel like I want sex at all. I do not have any sexual fantasies or crushes. My last sex was in the beginning of this year and I only did it cause it was my then boyfriend's birthday and I wanted to do him a favour. I feel like if he never initiated or asked for it I would have been totally fine without ever having sex. 

Even though I would say I do have a libido as I do masturbate sometimes but I never really had the wish for partnered sex. It is more like a theoretical concept in my mind that doesnt turn out very appealing when put into practice.  

 

When I think about intimacy with a person I trust and love, I really dont think about sex. Like, I think about the fact that for most adults this seems like part of the deal and how most people see it as the ultimate expression of love but I really cant relate to that. Sex does not make me feel loved. I think about things like kissing, holding hands, cuddling, spending quality time together. Sex doesnt seem to play a role somehow, it feels like something different for me. 

 

At the moment I do not have any wish for sex with another person and I dont feel like I would want to and I also dont feel like it would have a real impact on my potenzial relationship when there was no sex. I would probably feel a lot safer and less stressed. 

 

Thank you for mentioning graysexuality, I will definitely look into that. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

15 minutes ago, EntireSunset said:

Hi Sarah-Sylvia, 

 

first of all, thank you for your quick reply

 

Phew, that is a good question. And I am not that sure. I think I had a relationship when I was younger where I made my first experiments with sexual activities and I was in love. And there was also some drama around sex too. He didnt pressure me but I also had the feeling that it is like a chore and that it is in a way expected of me. In the initial stages of the relationship there were some hormones involved and we were sexually active but the experiences in the end never felt really good for me. Not because he wasnt skilled but because I couldnt really get into it. I didnt experience this kind of "rush" that others talked about and I never felt turned on by him.  I felt much more connected to him when we cuddled, held hands or shared intimate thoughts with each other. I could go a very long time without sex and I didnt mind at all.

During the times with my latests ex where I felt loved I never really saw sex as an expression of love either. It was somehow not connected in my mind. I also sometimes felt gross about it. I often liked the idea in my head but never when it turned into reality. 

At the moment I do not feel like I want sex at all. I do not have any sexual fantasies or crushes. My last sex was in the beginning of this year and I only did it cause it was my then boyfriend's birthday and I wanted to do him a favour. I feel like if he never initiated or asked for it I would have been totally fine without ever having sex. 

Even though I would say I do have a libido as I do masturbate sometimes but I never really had the wish for partnered sex. It is more like a theoretical concept in my mind that doesnt turn out very appealing when put into practice.  

 

When I think about intimacy with a person I trust and love, I really dont think about sex. Like, I think about the fact that for most adults this seems like part of the deal and how most people see it as the ultimate expression of love but I really cant relate to that. Sex does not make me feel loved. I think about things like kissing, holding hands, cuddling, spending quality time together. Sex doesnt seem to play a role somehow, it feels like something different for me. 

 

At the moment I do not have any wish for sex with another person and I dont feel like I would want to and I also dont feel like it would have a real impact on my potenzial relationship when there was no sex. I would probably feel a lot safer and less stressed. 

 

Thank you for mentioning graysexuality, I will definitely look into that. 

Sounds very asexual xD. At the very least ace-spec.

I very much feel the part about cuddling and affection like that. Easy to relate to the sex feeling like a chore part too. I id as graysexual because I can rarely feel drawn to sexuality, but it easily can fall off and not be very interesting, then can feel like a chore as well, and it's not important to me.

 

I don't get the feeling that this has to do much with trauma, but feel free to share more thoughts around that. At the very least, you can keep open to that there could be more to it but I think you're right to question about maybe being asexual. And there's a range of how people can be.

 

I really think you'll easily relate to the community.

[EntireSunset]

Haha, that made me laugh  

And thanks so much for your input. 

 

I am happy that you can relate. 

I found a great example of what I see as intimacy and what I want out of a relationship. Do you maybe know Hearstopper? If you do, Nick and Charlie are the perfect example of what I want in a relationship. This sometimes make me feel like a little kid I have to admit. As if I am just not growing up. I am also a lot into teen romance stories. I sometimes wonder whether that is because they do not involve sex that often and that helps me relate to the story more. 

 

I sometimes wonder whether maybe my trauma originated in my possible asexuality or is somehow intertwined with it. What I experienced has a lot to do with someone overstepping my boundaries. So basically a guy I just started dating when I was around 16/17 touched me and kissed me in places that I did not feel ready to be touched and kissed at. That overwhelmed me in such a way that I was completely out of it and laid there crying in front of him. He also gave me my "real" first kiss (french kiss), which I was also completely overwhelmed by and could not handle at all, even though I was on a date with him and I kinda liked him and I was about 16. So maybe it was just him moving too quickly but I also wonder if maybe me being overwhelmed by these actions which had at least a sexual subtext was already a sign of me being somewhere on the ace-spec. 

 

When I think of the impact of that experience I think this mostly lead to me in a way being scared of being touched cause I immediately connect that with someone overstepping my boundaries. But I am not 100% confident that this had an impact on me being sexually attracted to other people because I cannot recall having felt that before I had these experiences. I certainly did not afterwards. I feel like my trauma maybe has had more of an impact on how I react toward the potential of sexual contact but not so much on whether I feel that way towards others or find it in any way important or desirable. That always felt kinda off.  

 

Cause I can remember for example in high school that I already felt like I had a different attitude towards sex than my classmates. I never really got why they made such a big deal out of it. And today I cant understand why people cheat cause they dont get enough sex and I dont understand strippers or the concept "going wild" after a long term relationship or bachelorette parties or "make up sex". Like, I just broke up with my ex two months ago and my last sex was a long time ago and I dont feel any urge to get sexually active with anyone. 

 

But what I think confuses my sometimes Is the difference between libido and attraction. Like I could get turned on by my exes under specific circumstances but it was a very fragile situations and I felt like I really had to focus on staying there. 

 

Edited November 5, 2022 by EntireSunset
additions, typos

[EntireSunset]

Oh and about the chore thing. I can still vividly see me counting the days after our last sexual encounter and almost feeling attacked when he asked for 'another round' after we just did it and asking him 'why do we have to do it again? Wasnt it enough?'. And I always was looking for the number that would be enough ^^

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Thanks for sharing.

I don't know what heartstopper is but I think I understand. I think it makes sense to me to feel that way, but I know (allo)sexual can mix sex and romance together. And I also don't like french kissing, because that doesn't feel affectionate to me.

 

21 minutes ago, EntireSunset said:

I cannot recall having felt that before I had these experiences.

I think that's telling enough. It's hard to say how it is around teen years (since it can be complicated) and it's true traumatic/negative feelings can affect how we feel, but I think there'll still be openings that hint at things (like if sexuality was still there). But even if there was more to it, it's not like someone has to get it 100% right and it can't change. I used to think I was sexual, then asexual, then sexual again, and then finally graysexual. I feel like the last one makes the most sense and I doubt it'll change after knowing much more about myself, but I'm ok if I discover differently. But sex just doesn't connect to me like soft affection does for romance, and physical pleasure (sexual) isn't that big a deal to me.

 

21 minutes ago, EntireSunset said:

Cause I can remember for example in high school that I already felt like I had a different attitude towards sex than my classmates. I never really got why they made such a big deal out of it. And today I cant understand why people chat cause they dont get enough sex and I dont understand strippers or the concept "going wild" after a long term relationship.

By itself it's not telling just because not everyone has the same draw to sex. Some don't care as much, or it's just 'part' of an intimate relationship but they don't go hogwild about it, or need someone they really like and trust, or have responsive desire and so don't feel much desire for it until it happens, and all sorts of stuff.

But it can still a be hint, and along everything else it can paint a difference story for you

Hope you can find however makes sense for you, and know your boundaries as well so that relationships work well with you.

[Libellule]

Hey, and welcome to AVEN  

I was in a very similar place when I joined a little more than 2 years ago. And although I eventually found out that I'm not asexual after all, I thought I could tell you a little about my experience to see if you relate to any of it.

 

At that time I came across some information about asexuality that made me wonder if that term applied to me at all. It seemed like a reasonable explanation for why I was feeling the way I did. I felt mostly indifferent about sex, not exactly repulsed by it (which I'd thought was what being asexual meant before) but also would have been perfectly fine never doing it again for the rest of my life and at times actively avoiding situations in which it could happen. I also never experienced strong visual sexual attraction (which I still don't, and from my experience most sexual people at least don't experience the whole "looking at hot people and wanting to have sex with them" thing). Looking back at it now I was dealing with a lot of unresolved trauma and still refusing to acknowledge it. It was only after I became aware of it that I started reassessing things again, wondering if I was actually asexual or 'just' traumatised. Though I'd like to stress here that someone can be both asexual and traumatised, and there can be a connection between these two things but doesn't have to (and it's probably impossible to determine it for sure), but whatever the case is, that doesn't invalidate who they are.

 

I decided to focus on working through my trauma, and it's been an emotional and at times painful journey (and I don't think I'm near the end yet) but it's helped me a lot to get a better sense of self. I don't think I could have done it without therapy, though. Maybe that could be an option for you as well?

 

 

[EntireSunset]

Thank you so much for sharing that. I am actually already in therapy for a couple of months now. This is where I could finally make out that my experiences where traumatic. 

Interesting to hear about your experiences though. So would you say after all that you identify as allosexual now? How did you realise? (if you dont mind me asking) 

[EntireSunset]

On 11/6/2022 at 12:17 PM, Libellule said:

Hey, and welcome to AVEN  

I was in a very similar place when I joined a little more than 2 years ago. And although I eventually found out that I'm not asexual after all, I thought I could tell you a little about my experience to see if you relate to any of it.

 

At that time I came across some information about asexuality that made me wonder if that term applied to me at all. It seemed like a reasonable explanation for why I was feeling the way I did. I felt mostly indifferent about sex, not exactly repulsed by it (which I'd thought was what being asexual meant before) but also would have been perfectly fine never doing it again for the rest of my life and at times actively avoiding situations in which it could happen. I also never experienced strong visual sexual attraction (which I still don't, and from my experience most sexual people at least don't experience the whole "looking at hot people and wanting to have sex with them" thing). Looking back at it now I was dealing with a lot of unresolved trauma and still refusing to acknowledge it. It was only after I became aware of it that I started reassessing things again, wondering if I was actually asexual or 'just' traumatised. Though I'd like to stress here that someone can be both asexual and traumatised, and there can be a connection between these two things but doesn't have to (and it's probably impossible to determine it for sure), but whatever the case is, that doesn't invalidate who they are.

 

I decided to focus on working through my trauma, and it's been an emotional and at times painful journey (and I don't think I'm near the end yet) but it's helped me a lot to get a better sense of self. I don't think I could have done it without therapy, though. Maybe that could be an option for you as well?

 

 

Thank you so much for sharing that. I am actually already in therapy for a couple of months now. This is where I could finally make out that my experiences where traumatic. 

Interesting to hear about your experiences though. So would you say after all that you identify as allosexual now? How did you realise? (if you dont mind me asking) 

[Libellule]

3 hours ago, EntireSunset said:

Thank you so much for sharing that. I am actually already in therapy for a couple of months now. This is where I could finally make out that my experiences where traumatic. 

Interesting to hear about your experiences though. So would you say after all that you identify as allosexual now? How did you realise? (if you dont mind me asking) 

Therapy can be incredibly helpful in uncovering thinking patterns and experiences that have shaped them. I hope it will help you work through them! 

 

I would say that I'm (allo)sexual, yes. To be honest, I didn't figure it out all of a sudden, but it was more of a gradual thing that developed as I learned over time. And at some point I decided to give up on labels. Which was tough at first because I've always liked having a word as an explanation for how I'm feeling, but as strange as it might sound, once I gave up on labels I felt like I got a clearer sense of things. 

 

I used to think that I had zero desire for sex because I would never initiate it, but that changed when I found out that I mostly experience responsive desire. I also have a fairly low libido and pretty much never feel like I desire sex "out of the blue" so for a while I mistook all of that as an overall lack of desire for sex. There were definitely a few telling points, though. The most obvious one being when I felt some sort of sexual attraction for a guy I was hanging out with. It felt pretty subtle but still strong enough to confuse me. That was the point at which I decided to give up on labels and just try to figure myself out another way. 

[EntireSunset]

Thanks for sharing. It's interesting to hear,cause maybe it is the same for me. I just never had any 'good' experiences with sex. It was mostly non consensual,, so atm I am asking myself whether this might be reason for me bit feeling any urge for sex.

 

May I ask you how you realised the sexual attraction when you were with the guy? 

 

[Anu-Lex]

Hello Julia,

 

First of you, thank you for sharing your experiences, that is very brave of you. Second, I am very sorry that you had to made some of those experiences. Overstepping boundaries is never good, as is somebody making you feel like you owe them sex. I do not speak from my own expierence here, but I hear from heterosexual women in marriages where this was also a problem - in the long term, it seemed like it was not good for their husband as well, because the women did not like sex anymore.

But yes - Am I really asexual or is it just my (traumatic) experiences? - is also a question that is nagging me.

Here is something I observed: I do know women who also had traumatic experiences, even more "sexually related" then mine were, I would say. They still desired for a romantic/sexual partner though, and sometimes it would result in them constantly hopping from one relationship to another, because they searched for an intimacy they could not find in the relationship before. 

Of course, it could be that it works the "other way around" as well, resulting in less or even no sexual/romantic desires.

I heard this sentence constantly from people who know me at least a bit: "No, you are not asexual, you are only saying this because of your bad experiences with men!" Just yesterday somebody told me again, and of course, I think about it a lot.

It could be true, maybe, but it could be not true. With asexuality as well as with other sexual orientations that deviate from the norm, people had wondered for a very long time: Is it genetic? Is it physiological? Is it from expierences? It seems like it is definately not just one thing. So it could be that your experiences play into, but maybe there are other factors as well.

At the end of the day, it does not really matter, however. When you decide to not have sex or a romantic relationship because you do not have sexual / romantic desires, then it is a legitimate reason. As discussed before, nobody should force you into contact or relationships you do not agree with.

It is very good you started a therapy (veeery hard to find one in Germany, here I speak from experience 😅) Don´t rush it, go one step at a time.
One thing I can recommend (if you did not already do it) is to forgive the persons who hurt you and overstepped your boundaries. Forgiving them does not mean you whitewash what they did to you, because it was definately wrong. But it can help you letting grudges and bitterness go, because in the end, holding grudges is ultimately just hurting you. It helps speaking  "I forgive XY for ..." out loud to let those grudges and bitterness go, and you may have to do it several times before you feel a difference. One step at a time.

 

Otherwise, be very welcome on AVEN and I hope you will have more nice and insightful discussions. ☺️

Greetings from Germany as well -
Anu-Lex

[Libellule]

On 11/9/2022 at 1:23 PM, EntireSunset said:

May I ask you how you realised the sexual attraction when you were with the guy? 

Well it wasn't a strong urge or anything like that. I felt drawn to this guy, we had been on one date and he seemed to be into me as well. And I wanted to kiss him, which we eventually did. It wasn't really until things went further than kissing that I realised I wasn't just okay to go along, but that I actually wanted to. At that time it really freaked me out haha, and I never actually had full-on sex with the guy because I felt overwhelmed by this discovery. I still spent a good amount of time afterwards wondering if what I had experienced actually was sexual attraction, though, because it felt so different from the way other people describe it. Reading about how other people experience sexual attraction and realising that everyone's experiences seem to be unique in some way helped me in working out that this is probably the way it feels for me. 

 

I have since then been sexually attracted to a couple more people and it always followed a similar pattern for me. Those people were never random strangers - with some people it happened a lot faster than others, but only after I felt I had gotten to know them as a person well enough to feel comfortable around them. 

[EntireSunset]

1 minute ago, Libellule said:

Well it wasn't a strong urge or anything like that. I felt drawn to this guy, we had been on one date and he seemed to be into me as well. And I wanted to kiss him, which we eventually did. It wasn't really until things went further than kissing that I realised I wasn't just okay to go along, but that I actually wanted to. At that time it really freaked me out haha, and I never actually had full-on sex with the guy because I felt overwhelmed by this discovery. I still spent a good amount of time afterwards wondering if what I had experienced actually was sexual attraction, though, because it felt so different from the way other people describe it. Reading about how other people experience sexual attraction and realising that everyone's experiences seem to be unique in some way helped me in working out that this is probably the way it feels for me. 

 

I have since then been sexually attracted to a couple more people and it always followed a similar pattern for me. Those people were never random strangers - with some people it happened a lot faster than others, but only after I felt I had gotten to know them as a person well enough to feel comfortable around them. 

I can totally imagine how overwhelming that must have felt. 

Can you describe how it felt for you? Or what that "pattern" was that you described? 

[EntireSunset]

On 11/9/2022 at 9:50 PM, Anu-Lex said:

Hello Julia,

 

First of you, thank you for sharing your experiences, that is very brave of you. Second, I am very sorry that you had to made some of those experiences. Overstepping boundaries is never good, as is somebody making you feel like you owe them sex. I do not speak from my own expierence here, but I hear from heterosexual women in marriages where this was also a problem - in the long term, it seemed like it was not good for their husband as well, because the women did not like sex anymore.

But yes - Am I really asexual or is it just my (traumatic) experiences? - is also a question that is nagging me.

Here is something I observed: I do know women who also had traumatic experiences, even more "sexually related" then mine were, I would say. They still desired for a romantic/sexual partner though, and sometimes it would result in them constantly hopping from one relationship to another, because they searched for an intimacy they could not find in the relationship before. 

Of course, it could be that it works the "other way around" as well, resulting in less or even no sexual/romantic desires.

I heard this sentence constantly from people who know me at least a bit: "No, you are not asexual, you are only saying this because of your bad experiences with men!" Just yesterday somebody told me again, and of course, I think about it a lot.

It could be true, maybe, but it could be not true. With asexuality as well as with other sexual orientations that deviate from the norm, people had wondered for a very long time: Is it genetic? Is it physiological? Is it from expierences? It seems like it is definately not just one thing. So it could be that your experiences play into, but maybe there are other factors as well.

At the end of the day, it does not really matter, however. When you decide to not have sex or a romantic relationship because you do not have sexual / romantic desires, then it is a legitimate reason. As discussed before, nobody should force you into contact or relationships you do not agree with.

It is very good you started a therapy (veeery hard to find one in Germany, here I speak from experience 😅) Don´t rush it, go one step at a time.
One thing I can recommend (if you did not already do it) is to forgive the persons who hurt you and overstepped your boundaries. Forgiving them does not mean you whitewash what they did to you, because it was definately wrong. But it can help you letting grudges and bitterness go, because in the end, holding grudges is ultimately just hurting you. It helps speaking  "I forgive XY for ..." out loud to let those grudges and bitterness go, and you may have to do it several times before you feel a difference. One step at a time.

 

Otherwise, be very welcome on AVEN and I hope you will have more nice and insightful discussions. ☺️

Greetings from Germany as well -
Anu-Lex

Hello to Germany!  

 

Thank you for your reply. You are right, finding a therapy is not that easy, that is why I decided to find one, that I pay myself, but it is worth every cent  

 

And you are right, for whatever reason, I should never ever again force myself into anything I dont want. 

 

Although I must admit, I am not with you on the forgiving part I think. At least not at the moment. Being someone who always forgave too easily and led others walk all over me, it doesnt seem right (at least for the time being) to forgive the people who hurt me cause it is also part of my healing process to actually realise what they did and see their actions for what they were: violence. And at the moment at least it doesnt feel like holding grudges to me. I am just seeing for what it is and dont allow these people back into my life. And I think that feels right for the moment. 

Maybe I will forgive them at some point. We will see. Probably when I am further along my healing journey. 

 

And I guess the going one step at a time is something I should definitely try harder. 

At the moment I tend to read in this forum almost every single day and keep questioning myself about almost every contact I have with other people or with sex. 

One moment I feel totally represented by the ace experiences I can read here and see myself in different labels and in the next moment I feel like a complete fraud. 

 

[EntireSunset]

At the moment I am still thinking a lot about everything and my minds keeps going back and forth between being a sexual person deeply impacted by trauma or a graysexual person that also experienced trauma. I am not sure at the moment. I know how I feel about sex at the moment but who knows how I will feel about it some time in the future? I am especially not sure how I will feel with a loving partner as I never had a healthy relationship with real love up until now and I dont know how that could impact my sexuality. But for the moment I know that I do not want sex and I do not feel sexual attraction or desire for partnered sexuality. I do know my trauma could have an impact on that cause when I think about intimacy (even non-sexual one) I know this is hard for me as physical touch and above all kissing can feel very threatening to me and encroaching and scare me but somehow I have the feeling that there also might be more. But maybe it is just that I havent really had any real "positive" experiences with sexuality which kinda maybe overshadows my view of sex. 

[Libellule]

On 11/10/2022 at 9:54 PM, EntireSunset said:

I can totally imagine how overwhelming that must have felt. 

Can you describe how it felt for you? Or what that "pattern" was that you described? 

I haven't been on the forum much the past week so just saw your reply now..

I honestly can't describe the feeling very well. Sexual attraction to me always feels pretty...subtle, I guess. I do feel drawn to the people I'm attracted to, but it typically happens after I've got to know them at least a bit. Physical contact (like kissing, but also more subtle things like just 'accidentally' making physical contact with the other person in some way) also plays a part for me. That's also what I meant by pattern, that I need these things to happen in order to feel sexually attracted to someone. 

 

Also, regarding your last post in this thread...if you know that you don't want sex, then you don't want sex. And that alone is enough of a justification in itself, regardless whether any of your past experiences may have impacted this in some way. 

You'll figure it out eventually  

[EntireSunset]

38 minutes ago, Libellule said:

Also, regarding your last post in this thread...if you know that you don't want sex, then you don't want sex. And that alone is enough of a justification in itself, regardless whether any of your past experiences may have impacted this in some way. 

You'll figure it out eventually  

Yeah, that is true. That is where I try to stay right now by validating myself and my needs without trying to find a 'label' that fits it or validates it. As you say I dont want sex at the moment, and that should be enough for everyone. 

 

I guess I mostly think so much about this because I am Single and I think about potentially dating someone in the future and how me not wanting sex would impact that and how I can communicate that. 

[Anu-Lex]

On 11/16/2022 at 12:56 AM, EntireSunset said:

Although I must admit, I am not with you on the forgiving part I think. At least not at the moment. Being someone who always forgave too easily and led others walk all over me, it doesnt seem right (at least for the time being) to forgive the people who hurt me cause it is also part of my healing process to actually realise what they did and see their actions for what they were: violence. And at the moment at least it doesnt feel like holding grudges to me. I am just seeing for what it is and dont allow these people back into my life. And I think that feels right for the moment. 

Maybe I will forgive them at some point. We will see. Probably when I am further along my healing journey. 

That is what I meant by mentioning it that forgiving should not whitewash what other people did to you. Forgiving does not mean that you negate that what they did was wrong, and that they hurt you. It does not mean you have to form a bond with the person again, if you think it would be harmful. It mainly just helps you letting go of the past. But of course, take your time. You are doing good and are standing strong when you actively seek for healing. Continue on this path! I wish you the best!