i wasn’t expecting to fall in love with my poly partner

[ThannaA]

i thought i was cold when it came to sex.   i hardly ever really attached to sexual partners… it was very much physical only and a bit of fun with other men.  

with this guy there is more than a bit of attraction and a real soul friendship - already.

unfortunately my issues around trust have made me act crazy already … and im already thinking does that make it less likely he would ever introduce me to his children 

it’s not like we’ve even met that many times yet.

i really need to be aware of his life at the moment… since we met his son got cancer.

 

im not sure i can feel the same about my husband- or im not giving him as much attention in my head

when we do communicate like in therapy it’s beautiful and we get in great but the communication often seems to be about me and my new relationship 

 

he knows i have feelings already but maybe not the strength of the feelings 

it hurts that i’ve distanced myself recently from my husband by moving out for 3 weeks to an airbnb 

im going home tomorrow and i wish i had more to say outside of how much i have feelings for someone else

is it the limerance stage?

im really confused actually 

i love my husband very much but it’s so enduring it’s difficult to get excited about unless i really concentrate 

[Mountain House]

read up on new relationship energy [NRE].

It's brain chemistry.

[Ceebs]

Yeah, definitely NRE.

 

It's not a time to make big decisions, or to completely trust your emotions. About eight years ago I got involved with someone in a not-above-board way and we ended up in an off-on (ultimately very toxic) relationship for years that eventually became something that was completely out in the open after I ended things with my ex-husband and she navigated some sort of open relationship deal with her wife. If either of us had made any big life-altering decisions when things seemed all fresh and new and exciting (which happened multiple times, every time the relationship was 'on' again), it would've been an absolute disaster. She was not the person I ought to be spending my life with.

 

Distancing yourself from your husband is absolutely what I'd expect in this situation. That's normal behaviour. But if your goal here is to stay with him and have an open relationship so you can have other partners as well, you can't exactly ignore that he exists.

 

14 hours ago, kamel said:

when we do communicate like in therapy it’s beautiful and we get in great but the communication often seems to be about me and my new relationship 

You should be addressing this exact issue with your therapist. The NRE stuff and what your plans are with your husband. Rather than just communicating in a way that makes you feel good during therapy, communicate honestly by sharing exactly what you have here.

[anisotrophic]

Yes, NRE / limerance.

 

Things that have helped me:

 

- remembering the past, feeling that way about my husband (reminding myself)

- self awareness that my thoughts “default” to thinking about the new person

- redirecting my focus

- “[new person] would want me to focus on thinking about how my husband feels, what he wants and needs” is a common trick I use for that

- cognitive (“thinking”) empathy for my husband: how might it feel to be in his position? Fear? Threatened? Inadequate? Forgotten? Alone? Unrespected and unvalued?

- those thoughts lead to me feeling affective (“emotional”) empathy for my husband, worrying about any potential distress he might feel

- then focusing on what I might do to address it: express appreciation, want to listen to his feelings, validate them as being understandable and possibly justified, think about what I might do in response (e.g. to help him feel valued, reassured, remove shame, etc.)

 

note that one of those steps requires “new person” to be someone that is generally supportive of me having an existing relationship! That’s something I feel like I need (and I express gratitude for), an absence of it would probably alienate me.

 

Just my idiosyncratic experience, I thought a “what worked for me” might help a bit.

[Ceebs]

11 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

- self awareness that my thoughts “default” to thinking about the new person

Yeah, that. I think self-awareness is incredibly important in this entire situation. That's a skill I learnt over the years (and am still working on) and it's priceless.

[Mountain House]

1 hour ago, Ceebs said:

Distancing yourself from your husband is absolutely what I'd expect in this situation. That's normal behaviour. But if your goal here is to stay with him and have an open relationship so you can have other partners as well, you can't exactly ignore that he exists.

In fact, put in extra effort with your husband. And have him read up on NRE because it affects his world as well.

 

I'm gonna just second what @anisotrophicand @Ceebsposted just before this. Great stuff. But, beware, knowing about NRE and its effect does not protect you from falling prey to its insidious nature. Expect mistakes as you learn to deal with it.

 

I once got, "I thought we were on vacation but you've spent the last X minutes texting X!" Eff'n NRE! (Yeah, easy to make myself a victim of something I can't control but really it is my job to manage - so - my fault.)

 

Brain chemistry.

[ThannaA]

thanks guys absolutely agree with everything said

 

I’ve returned home to find myself really wanting to connect with my husband and yes we talk too much about my new relationship… well  talk about this in therapy

I also think it’s important for us not to ditch the therapy just yet

he doesn’t want it to carry on much longer

I really made progress even since posting this with my relationship with my husband… Im 

 turns out I really do give a shit

 

My new partner does want me to focus on my husband… He is healthier than I would’ve expected anyone to be in our situation… I thought Id just get Some immature  freak but he’s lovely.