Looking for advice: how do you cope with your asexual partner in a close relationship?

[RileyA]

1 hour ago, anisotrophic said:

What barriers are there to you initiating more, switching it up more?

I'd guess her lack of desire and his knowledge of that lack of desire 

[RileyA]

3 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Maybe - I hadn’t thought of it that way, but I see how that could be the case.

 

I’m the idiot that didn’t do years of research, gather a ton of advice and books on the subject or immerse myself in knowledge before leaping. Basic plan, basic needs, basic folks and advanced people skills perhaps. With that backdrop, I have to say we started with some rules that are long gone. 

ETA: this is a general comment about folk opening their relationships. The yous are general yous.

 

It's easy to view the world from your little bubble and feel like keeping that intact should be the most important thing to everyone. So you go in to it thinking "how can we keep our marriage intact, while meeting an unmet need? I know, I'll do sex with other people, and do love with my spouse". 

 

A common thing that happens to cis men is that they find nobody wants to just do sex with them. So they have to start being a bit shady to rope people in. See how much they can bend the rules. And it's often because they genuinely can see this could occur without either relationship threatening the other, if the conditions were a little different. So they let things slide, don't confront it until the last minute, or usually when it's too late. 

 

Cis women typically have an easier time finding just sex, but they often find it lacks intimacy and therefore doesn't scratch the itch.  So they want to expand the boundaries for those reasons.Men often come to this conclusion too after some time of enjoying casual liaisons, if they're the type who finds those easy to come by.

 

For this reason, I think everyone entering ENM should make that decision based on the assumption that your partner will end up being fully in love with someone else and they'll share most (if not all) of the aspects of emotional intimacy that they share with you, as well as sexual intimacy (in most cases). You won't be able to control that. Nobody really can. 

 

 

[Guest]

On 11/4/2022 at 8:11 AM, 1122Silverfox said:

Hi ya`ll,First time on this site and I didnt even know Asexual was a gender until very recent.I myself am a straight/not gay or bi-sexual.Really like woman ok.So Ive been friends with this chick and she is beautiful completely my type.We get along really good laugh and have fun together I take her out to eat buy her drinks all that stuff.Im 54 years old and I have a deep respect for woman and treat them with respect.I havent kissed her or even held her hand but I really want to a lot and I told her that.I asked her to dinner the other day and was just flirting with her like I always do and she told me dont waist my money on her shes not worth it.Well red flag for me,I said why would you say something like that about yourself,and she told me she was asexual and she doesnt want to be kissed or even hold hands and please dont think its personal she does like me and thinks im good looking and a great guy but she doesnt have them feelings toward anyone male or female.Added she hopes I find a great gal to be with.I should of said we were texting each other in this conversation,now ya`ll know.so I text her back,,,Ok its cool,but confused as to what that means.So before I text her anything else I got online and researched Asexual and have been trying to get some knowledge about this gender and some of the different (behaviors) maybe Im trying to say without offending anyone.I know there is an Asexual pride flag,...black,grey,white and purple.Im hoping she identifies as grey from what I have learned tonight.I dont really know what else to say except that I really like this chick A lot.She is pretty much everything I want in a woman but even with her telling me this I still want her and I thought I could try to talk to an Asexual group and maybe get a better perspective of how she feels and understand her emotions a little more.It will be hard for me to just be friends with her and not want to kiss her or just hold her In my arms and yes of course have sex with her.I have started to get some feelings as well for her.Anyone out there have any advice I can go off of.my main objective here is to continue this relationship but to further it more than friends.But if it cant work like that I needd to stop it now and go from there. 

Hi welcome, perhaps you should have started a new thread.

A thought if she told you she was queer or had 'other' sexual orientations but not heterosexual ones would you consider pursuing the relationship? By coming out she's basically told you she's not into sex, might do it, but doesn't fancy you sexually.

Just know you can't change that. Don't think she said it to challenge you. Take your time and let what she said sink in.

[marius123]

17 hours ago, seraphth said:

Sorry to hear about your situation. Are you sure it's about 'not understanding' instead of 'not knowing how to help you'? In my case it's the latter: my wife understands (as much as she can) this is a serious problem for me, but she does not know what she can do for me.

Until recently it’s been that I’m unreasonable for wanting sex more than every couple of months & to be more than a quickie. She completely dismisses the idea that it is ok for me to want something different.

 

I have to believe that’s a lack of understanding…

 

We’ve recently moved onto probably not having sex at all any more as that’s what she’d prefer.

[seraphth]

1 hour ago, marius123 said:

Until recently it’s been that I’m unreasonable for wanting sex more than every couple of months & to be more than a quickie. She completely dismisses the idea that it is ok for me to want something different.

[...]

We’ve recently moved onto probably not having sex at all any more as that’s what she’d prefer.

Is there anything she enjoys that you can do for her?

In my case, my wife does enjoy oral sex and the intimacy of sharing the bed. And so, the (rare) times I propose to share a moment together in bed, she may not feel any sexual urge, but she knows there will be something she will enjoy (which, together with her love for me, is incentive enough to make things happen).

Of course, I keep petting very short and to a "cuddling" level (which takes a lot of restraint on my part...), and I try to keep the penetration as brief as possible (I don't enjoy it very much anyway, given the circumstances - it's more to release the pent-up sexual pressure). But, as I previously mentioned, everything else around is very sweet and tender.

To sum up: if I were you, I would try and focus on what you can do for her (and share with her), instead of what she can "stomach" (apologies for not finding a better term for it).

[anisotrophic]

@seraphth I apologize for being explicit, but have you considered non-penetrative options for yourself? eg manual stimulation, or a handheld toy — there are some one-off “eggs” for example — you could attach specialness to this activity by having the toy only be for your partner to use with you (ie not something you use solo).

 

What someone finds arousing is going to be reinforced with positive feedback, and that’s true for yourself — if you can nudge yourself to do it differently once, and repeat it, and these are resulting in “finishing”, it becomes a new thing you desire. If your partner finds penetrative sex unrewarding or painful, it removes a neutral-to-negative experience for them.

 

I’m giving pragmatic suggestions because it seems you do need to accept that if things are going to get better, it’s going to be something you change — it sounds like your partner describes a holistic absence of “thinking about it” (or at least, not in a positive way that leads to “desire”). Bedroom activity is on you.

 

I switch it up a lot. Also a lot of observing my partner’s reactions (what’s working, what isn’t), accepting that he’ll have trouble talking about it / imagining it. At this point I think I’ve become a bit baffled by the assumption that sex requires the standard penetrative configuration.

[anisotrophic]

4 hours ago, marius123 said:

She completely dismisses the idea that it is ok for me to want something different.

It sounds like your partner doesn’t have much empathy for you. Is that more generally true?

 

(I can’t know if it’s a reciprocal issue. Sometimes it’s both people feeling the other lacks empathy for them — so they stop giving it.)

[marius123]

@seraphth - sorry I've sort of made this about me now! Wonder if that says anything about me.

 

More generally at the moment I am doing anything and everything for her. This has made things more pleasant at home but largely at the expense of my needs. Our issue is communication and our inability (so far) to discuss this or any other material issue without upset.

 

@anisotrophic - I feel that she has no empathy on this matter at least and it's a big one. Is it more generally true... sometimes... This is however as you suggest only my side of the story. We definitely have a vicious cycle going in other things and me thinking she has no empathy may look like me having no empathy etc etc.

[Traveler40]

1 hour ago, marius123 said:

sorry I've sort of made this about me now!

Welcome to AVEN…🤣

 

1 hour ago, marius123 said:

Wonder if that says anything about me.

Welcome to the club? Haha. 
 

Relax and work it out. It’s why you’re here.

[anisotrophic]

3 hours ago, marius123 said:

Our issue is communication and our inability (so far) to discuss this or any other material issue without upset.

Seems like a bigger issue. Not saying it's simple to solve.