Mixed-Orientation Couple Advice

[Clover1]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, and earlier this summer he semi-came out as asexual, I say semi as he is still trying to figure out if asexual is his best-fitting label or not. I’ll admit that my initial reaction was not good; I cried when he told me. I felt anger/relief to know that after 4 years, his lack of wanting to have s*x (he initiated maybe once every couple of weeks) and his lack of other physical intimacy (kissing, clothed cuddling, naked cuddling, showers, hand holding, etc.) was not because he wasn’t repulsed or saw me as unattractive. It was because of at the time, his struggle with accepting that he is somewhere on the asexual spectrum.

 

We put this on the back burner of our relationship (I know, I know, we shouldn’t have) but with classes starting back up, different work schedules (day shift vs overnight), and organizational/activity involvement, it became hard to really talk about anything except superficial things because we didn’t have the time. Now that mid-terms are over for both of us, we finally had time to talk today, and it felt like it was an unproductive talk.

 

From my perspective, for four years, I like many partners here, have struggled with the pain, confusion, insecurity, anger, fear, grief, relief, and other emotions of having a partner who is asexual. As someone who is hypersexual and the “physical touch” love language, physical contact, intimacy, and of course s*x is very important to me and are large needs. I will stand by the fact that we are a good couple and have been each other's best friends/supporters since before we were even official, but this lack of sexual compatibility makes me weary about the future because I know I need this.

 

From my partner's perspective, finally “having an answer” (his words, not mine) makes sense as to why he has always been disinterested in these activities. He acknowledges that sex is a human need and that I have a larger want for physical touch/intimacy, but also acknowledges that he lacks the drive/desire for it. He also thinks that I am selfish for my again admittedly poor reaction as he believes I am making this be about me by being disappointed about having a partner who does not desire sex and that my reluctance for acceptance makes him feel like a shitty partner and “broken” human being for not wanting sex.

 

I need some neutral opinions on this situation as I feel neither of us is in the wrong, however, I know that I might be selfish and need a reality check. However, I would like some advice from neutral parties; advice on how to compromise, advice from asexual partners, advice from the allosexual partner of an asexual partner, advice from mixed-orientation couples about how they were able to make this work or if they weren't able to make this word, advice on how to apologize for different perspectives, advice, in general, would be greatly appreciated.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @Clover1. Welcome to the site, and sorry about the situation.

I think it's normal to have all sorts of reactions when it has to do with the relationship, since you're in it too. You didn't sign up for it so it's normal to be disappointed or worse. Of course at the same time it's not your partner's fault, especially if he didn't really understand his orientation (or lack of sexuality). So it's no one's fault, it's just how it is. If sexuality is important to you, then it may be an incompatibility. You should see how important it is to you, and if you want to try to make the relationship work or not. I don't like to suggest  splitting up, but since you said you're hypersexual and have touch as a love language, I feel like it's important enough to consider. I have the same love language, as non-sexual touch and physical intimacy. I wonder if your partner is not just on the asexual spectrum but also asensual. The only times I didn't want physical intimacy is because I knew it could trigger a partner to want sex, that is arouse them. I started feeling bad about that, including 'because' it's my love language (and don't want it to lead to sex). I wonder if something like that could be part of the case for not wanting the other forms of intimacy, and what is your partner's love language.

 

Depending on what your partner's love language is, it's a question (for you) of whether that's enough for you to have together, along with his compromise when it comes to being sexual when he has no innate desire for it (though may like to share it with you because it means a lot to you). For someone asexual, sex usually doesn't mean something romantic, or a way to share love. So he may love you very much but it doesn't translate in a sexual way with you. So that's why it's important to know how it does, so that you can understand more his side. And hopefully he can understand yours. Often it's hard for someone ace (or gray-ace too) to understand why it could be important, because it's not to us. Communication and understanding each other is always important.

 

If after you come to understand things more, maybe including how important things are to you, and you want to make it work, then it obviously takes some fleixbility as well as acceptance for how he is, and see what areas you can both compromise to feel satisfied and happy enough with things. If you're not happy in the relationship, then it could be worth looking at other options. For some, opening the relationship is possible, so that you can find someone else to be sexual with. Though a lot if not most poeple will have trouble with an open relationship, due to being monogamous, or not being able to get enough from just side flings. It's worked for some couples though. And if nothing works and couples therapy doesn't or wouldn't work, then it might be good to consider bigger decisions.

 

Hope something works out for you and please fee you can share more too.

[Eutierria]

2 hours ago, Clover1 said:

advice from mixed-orientation couples about how they were able to make this work or if they weren't able to make this word,

I will try to be as neutral as I can in my response but can only speak from experience as the asexual partner (f) in a mixed ace-allo relationship with a long-term partner (m). 

 

2 hours ago, Clover1 said:

his lack of other physical intimacy (kissing, clothed cuddling, naked cuddling, showers, hand holding, etc.)

This is not my experience, I identify as demisensual & super affectionate through physical touch with a significant other. I had to tame it down to avoid a partner wanting to take things further - so neither of us were able to give / get at the intensity that felt right for us. It reads like your partner may be asensual but I don't know if that is the case or if they desire to be more touchy-feely with you but afraid it would make you want more of something they feel they can't give. 

 

2 hours ago, Clover1 said:

like many partners here, have struggled with the pain, confusion, insecurity, anger, fear, grief, relief, and other emotions of having a partner who is asexual.

Your partner will likely to have gone through similar. In my situation, I told my partner within 1 week of the relationship & checked in regularly - 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year etc & they told me that they were solidly sure that it was fine. It wasn't until the years went on that I found out it wasn't OK for him at all & I cycled through a few of the emotions you'd mentioned but from the opposite side. 

 

2 hours ago, Clover1 said:

intimacy

This can be expressed/ received in different ways (e.g. Emotional as well as physical). 

 

2 hours ago, Clover1 said:

“physical touch” love language, physical contact, intimacy,

Some sexual-sexual couple don't even have this because it might not be one of their main love langauges. The sex part might be present but the intimacy and/or sensual part may be missing. 

 

2 hours ago, Clover1 said:

we are a good couple and have been each other's best friends/supporters since before we were even official, but this lack of sexual compatibility makes me weary about the future because I know I need this.

It sounds like you have a strong friendship foundation. My guess is the sexual person feels the 'They love me for being me' & not just wanting sex which is desirable to a lot of sexual women. However, it can become confusing / painful once they're in the relationship & it's not how they imagined it. It may be even more uncomfortable to think about if they had options & later think about the what-ifs of the other people they could have gone with who may have been more sexually compatible. 

 

If you search around AVEN, there are many posts from mixed couples who waited until their 40s/50s/60s to separate or remain in misery. Some make it work by opening out the relationship but this doesn't work for everyone. 

 

2 hours ago, Clover1 said:

He also thinks that I am selfish for my again admittedly poor reaction as he believes I am making this be about me by being disappointed about having a partner who does not desire sex and that my reluctance for acceptance makes him feel like a shitty partner and “broken” human being for not wanting sex.

He may have gone through emotional turmoil & it took him a lot of courage to open up to you. Your reaction may have made him feel rejected - that somehow your needs are more important than his. These conversations aren't easy & can rupture a relationship. It is up to both of you to decide whether it would be worth salvaging (1 person cannot make this work, it needs effort from both sides). 

 

In my situation, I left. Not because of it being a mixed relationship but because the person I was loyal & faithful to throughout the entire relationship turned out to be a liar & a cheat. Like yourselves, we were each other's support & it'd felt like a solid, forever-type relationship. He did express that he couldn't imagine never speaking with me again but after more than a decade, I finally chose myself & my peace - I went no contact & it has been the best decision I have made. 

 

It may take time to find but there are likely a lot more people out there who would be more compatible with you & also with your partner though your partner's pool may be significantly smaller. Like sexual people, two people who happen to be asexual don't necessarily make the 'perfect' partnership as matching sexual orientation isn't enough - value systems, lifestyles & personalities need to be compatible too.

 

2 hours ago, Clover1 said:

how to apologize for different perspectives,

We can't give you a script - this needs to be felt, not read.  A heart to heart where you both can remain kind, gentle & hold positive unconditional regard towards each other would be more sincere. 

 

You've only mentioned what you want, what does he want & what do you both want moving forwards? Do both of you really want to live like this for the rest of your lives ? 

 

Wish you both all the best in finding a solution that works for you both. 

 

[nanogretchen4]

Apparently your boyfriend did not realize he was asexual until recently, so this is a no fault situation. Nevertheless, the relationship probably would never have started if you had known from the beginning that your sexual orientations were incompatible, right? Now that you realize that you are in a mixed orientation relationship, there is no reasonable expectation for you to continue the relationship. 

 

It is normal for humans to be self centered. Your boyfriend accurately perceives that from your perspective this is all about you, but somehow he hasn't noticed that from his perspective this is all about him. You very understandably want a relationship that includes sex, physical affection, and being desired by your partner. You can have that ordinary happiness with a different partner who does not have a sexual orientation that is incompatible with yours. Your boyfriend wants to enjoy a sex free life and have a partner and/or a friend who is able to support him in his coming out journey without seeing his newly discovered asexual orientation as a problem. He can have that with an asexual partner or with a platonic friend he is not trying to prevent from dating more compatible people. If you and he were to go back to being friends instead of partners, he could probably have that kind of uncomplicated support from you after you take some time to mourn the breakup and then move on to dating someone else. In the meantime, it would be good for your boyfriend to connect to an asexual community.

[RileyA]

My thoughts would be that as i've gone 4 years like this, and not drown in misery, he thinks there is no reason I can't go for longer with that frequency of sex or even less. 

[marius123]

I don’t really have any advice for you, I’m sorry. It’s been 20 years plus for me and I recognise the pain in what you say.

 

I don’t think you’re selfish but I think you want something that you can’t have. It’s a very sad situation to be in.

[Clover1]

19 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

If after you come to understand things more, maybe including how important things are to you, and you want to make it work, then it obviously takes some fleixbility as well as acceptance for how he is, and see what areas you can both compromise to feel satisfied and happy enough with things. If you're not happy in the relationship, then it could be worth looking at other options. For some, opening the relationship is possible, so that you can find someone else to be sexual with. Though a lot if not most poeple will have trouble with an open relationship, due to being monogamous, or not being able to get enough from just side flings. It's worked for some couples though. And if nothing works and couples therapy doesn't or wouldn't work, then it might be good to consider bigger decisions.

I'll start off by thank you so much for your reply, and know that I wanted at least a majority of the day to pass before I responded with some mini updates I suppose. 

 

So, we attempted to have a productive talk today compared to our unproductive talk yesterday, and it instead turned into an argument that we left feeling defeated, powerless, and crying. He says that he is fine with more intimate touching, more physically intimate, more cuddles, and more sex, but this has been an ongoing issue since the beginning of our relationship. In my opinion, he was quick to come up with reasons why in 4 years little progress was being made, and he tried to say it was from childhood, but I asked him if he expected me to wait around for X more years so that he could live over half his life with physical touch, and he had no answer. While I'm not trying to belittle him, I think he is doesn't want to admit he's more than asexual, and it's not my job nor my right to tell him what he is, but I also don't think that it's fair to me to continue to stick around longer while he tries to figure this out. 

[Clover1]

After about a day, I decided to post a mini update, and wanted to thank everybody who responded. The original reason I posted on here was because I feel defeated, drained, and beaten down in this relationship from my partner being asexual. I read through many posts before making my own topic, and actually debated posting or not. but I am glad I did. We tried talk today, and it was one of the worst arguments we had, and we both ended up ugly crying on the floor/bed till I left for class. I talked to him about a few of the things mentioned here, like how I now suspect he is asexual and asensual. In response he called me accusatory, told me he's fine with more sex, more physical contact, more physical intimacy, more anything, but when I asked him to come up with rough boundaries such as him saying he'd be okay with sex one a week, or once every other week, cuddling more, really just anything that sort he kept his defense up that he's not used to being touched in general and is still clueless in these situations.

 

I think I've lost all trust in him as a physical partner, and I feel selfish but also very assured for doing so. For 4 years I thought I was the issue, I thought he was repulsed by me or secretly hated me for hardly ever wanting to kiss, hold hands, cuddle, shower together, have s*x, and after expressing this thought, my boyfriend keeps telling me it's very selfish. However, I feel that he expects me to just forgive and forget because now that we have an answer, we can go about physical things in a new way, but quite frankly, I don't want too. I feel like I've wasted more than enough time. I'm hurt, I'm going to be hurt, but I don't feel allowed to be hurt. I'm also nervous that in the event that we do increase physical activity it's just going to charity and not genuine. As much as I'm angry with him, I would be angry with myself if he lied to himself + me trying to feign physical activity for me. Ironically enough, because of this I can't see myself being physical active with him anytime soon, and I fear that he's going to want to increase, but he will be rejected. 

 

A part of me wants to do therapy, but I feel done and drained. I'm very relieved we got this answer, and I still love him very much, and want to be with him. Honestly, if we were closer to each on the sexual spectrum then I don't think this would even be an issue, so it does deeply sadden me. 

 

Finally, again I just want to thank everybody again @Sarah-Sylvia @Eutierria @nanogretchen4 @RileyA @marius123

I suppose if there is more to update on, then maybe I'll make a new post, or maybe this will be my first/last post from this relationship ending. 

 

 

[Eutierria]

9 minutes ago, Clover1 said:

suspect he is asexual and asensual. In response he called me accusatory,

I'm glad you felt the responses were useful. 

 

Please note only your partner would be able to self-identify whether they are asexual and or asensual. We can't label people - we're not them. There might be other things going on in the background they haven't shared with you. This may be difficult to consider. 

 

Wishing you both growth. 

[MrDane]

If you are the one who wants it, then stop expecting him to initiate. If he does not function that way, then find out (together) what could work and not bother him and still please you. For me (us) it helped to remove the sexy from sex. Migth sound boring, but is more like lowering your expectations and then having them met!

[Sally]

Maybe you need to keep it to who you are and how you feel, without trying to diagnose him.  After the 4 years you mention, you know that this is not working, and arguing with him will not help matters.  If he truly does not want sex (as it certainly sounds like), then the relationship is not going to be good for either of you -- you will feel resentful and he will feel guilty and scared. Some relationships between people without such a big difference don't work; certainly a relationship between people who are very different in an area that's extremely important to both probably won't.   Sexual people want sex.  Asexual people want NO sex.  Those are both reasonable "wants", but they don't match.