When did you give up trying to find a partner?

[jay williams]

On 10/27/2022 at 7:11 AM, B4BEA said:

Sorry about your loss❤️ Having had a true partner for many years, how does one even contemplate diving back into this murky dating pool with the hope of finding such a rare treasure?  .... and does it get easier over time to be alone ?

Women appear to have one observable advantage, and that is the numbers of participants in the world of dating. I have been single since forever. I have given up from time to time, but then come back to pursue a connection. I am 72 now, and I am way less than confident that I will gain much success going forward. I have used various dating sites, including OKCupid, which ostensibly includes asexuals, queers, and other persons on the lgbtqia spectrum. OKCUPID has a zillion questions you can answer, and the site is designed to show compatibility of 1-100 based on the answers.  Indeed the ones most compatible for me are the ones who match spots on the lgbtqia card (think of a bingo card). But there are few women who have a profile, compared to the number of men, and the older the person the wider the ratio. So one can put up a profile, and then wait to see if anyone does a like or sends a message. Trust me, there are many nonstarters from interested persons. But you can ignore or deny those who express interest. 

 

[Djparents]

I’ve never really looked. I dated a bit in my 20s (I’m 40 now), but nothing beyond a week or two...I really wish I knew I was ace back then!
 

I’ve mostly assumed I will never find someone who I’m compatible with, felt this way since I was a teen. I’ve always been baffled by people who are so unhappy but keep dating. I often wonder if it’s better to be unhappy and single or unhappy and dating

[sirenian]

Like many respondents, I, too, have never actively looked.

What's different is that when I was younger, I would find anyhow.  Not a lot, but sometimes.  Every 3-5 years or so for a while.

I guess, looking back on the past 15 years when there's really been no one, I'm perhaps a bit surprised in retrospect.  Maybe even a bit disheartened.  

I'm genuinely content to be single.  Would go so far as to say that the single lifestyle suits me well and I would prefer to navigate life single rather than as a part of a couple.

Nevertheless, I also think I'd be sad if I went the rest of my life and never experienced romance again--if that was just a part of the experience of my 20s that I've left behind for good. I hope that somewhere along the line I do experience that kind of relationship once or twice again; it's a different kind of emotional high than anything else is.  But even while I've just said that, nevertheless I'm not looking.   In the past, part of the joy was watching it emerge out of the woodwork; perhaps incorrectly, I think that if I put in effort, that that effort would take away some of the magic of the serendipitous find.

[nanogretchen4]

I de facto stopped looking for dates about 20 years ago in my early 30's. I stopped mentally scolding myself for "slacking off" in what I guess I assumed was the mandatory quest for a life partner 7 years ago when I understood that I am demisexual. I stopped thinking if I made myself go on dates with people I had no interest in I would eventually fall in love with them and live happily ever after.

 

I have developed sexual and romantic feelings for a few people over the course of my life and I can't rule out the possibility that it will happen again although it has not happened for years. However, the odds of me developing feelings for someone who is single and reciprocates my feelings realistically are lower at my age than in my teens and 20's before most people paired up. Thankfully I've gotten over whatever programming made me think it would be a catastrophe if I didn't marry by a certain age. I'm in my 50's and single, and is it a catastrophe? Nope. It's fine. I have so many other things going on that I rarely even think about it to be honest. So why would it be a catastrophe if I'm unmarried in my 60's or 70's? And beyond that I would have a high probability of being widowed even if I were married.

[CyphaB]

I'm not entirely sure you should ever totally give up. A balance would be great- if you find one but probably best not to obsess about it. My thoughts are, humans are social animals, like out primate relatives. I think I would like to share my life but would have to be a very Ace friendly/aware person. I'm an incredibly independent person, but I don't see why two Ace people couldn't create their equivalent of a marriage that works for them. The totally radicle idea might be Ace polyamory (and while I had a totally 💩 experience of this, when my ex went poly 🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️). In a community of like minded individuals, surely we should be able to create relationships that really work for us in 2022. I agree with the person who was chill and said they'd roll with it. 👍🏼

[Terra Branford]

On 10/21/2022 at 9:14 PM, AceArospec said:

I never actively looked either; even though I wasn't aware of the terms "asexual" or "aromantic" I didn't ever really understand the interest in dating or anything beyond friendship. (And I only ever had a few close friends). I did date a bit in my 20s and early 30s, but only twice on purpose. Most of the time I wasn't even aware that's what they were. (I usually thought we were just "hanging out" & I'm still not 100% sure if I couldn't identify which ones were which). 

 

Growing up I just figured I'd get married & have kids because that was the expectation, but it wasn't until I left home and went to college that I even truly realized there were other options including NOT doing either of those. 

Yeap same in every aspect.

 

I've never looked either. I haven't entertained anyone in that kind of way since I was teen. I'm in my late 20s now. Guys would just come to me and I would have conversations but romance was not on my mind. I unintentionally went out on dates thinking we were hanging out until they told me how they felt. I decided to fall back because it was causing a lot of confusion and discomfort. Since I discovered the aroace spectrum I'm way more comfortable with being single with no pressure of expectation.

[MinnieMouse]

I’m 35 and have recently started thinking about giving up. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship and have never experienced mutual love, only unrequited. I’m homoromantic and everytime I fall in love it sooner or later turns out that I have romantic feelings for a straight person. 😫 Also, when someone let me know that they’re in love with me, it’s always a straight man. I’ve attended several Pride events, been to lesbian clubs, LGBTQ+ dating sites et c. but have never found someone there. To be honest, I’ve always felt different in the ’lesbian world’ and I haven’t always been treated very well. For example, I’ve been called ’straight-acting’ because of my feminine look. I somewhat learned that being a lesbian was expected to be more than just having romantic feelings for other women but for me that was it. It is, and has always been, only a romantic attraction for me, not a lifestyle. I still don’t feel like I belong in the lesbian world, but I feel welcome in the ace community and am so thankful that my feelings always has been seen as valid here. 💕

[0svvan0]

22 yrs old.

 

Love is either unrequited or if she approached me, fake.....and I handled the shit pretty terribly, if I'm honest, so I just stopped trying.

 

I honestly believe romantic love is only meant for a very small subset of people, so the rest of us feel like garbage just watching.

 

 

[CaramelCoffeeCake]

I haven't really actively looked for 10 years now (Been divorced and single since I was 28). Had to find myself and boy, did I find out MANY things about me?! Including my asexuality and neuro-spiciness.

 

I thought I was just dilly-dallying but nope, I never really cared much for sexual relationships. They just happened because they were expected and it was the norm around me.

 

I've tried a few online sites but usually delete my account within 2 minutes to 48 hours. 

 

I didn't miss a relationship for years especially as I was coming out of the hardest one I ever had - took a toll on me in every way. 

 

Now I would like a relationship (An affectionate one? Definitely. A romantic one? I don’t mind, I'll like that but not mandatory. It wouldn't bother me) but can't and won't settle. I know I'm extremely limited based on who I now realise I am but it's either that or nothing. Happy to be alone than with the wrong person. I can't do it even if I tried.

[coyote55]

I went through my 20s and early 30s with the idea I would eventually find a relationship. I had never felt anything approaching a romantic or sexual attraction to anyone, but I just assumed those feelings would develop when I found the right person. I dated two wonderful women over a period of a few years, really enjoyed their company, but was never able to push myself beyond friendships with them. In time, they wanted more than I could give, and they broke up with me.

 

By my mid 30s, I was pretty much convinced that I couldn't sustain a relationship, and shut the whole idea out. It didn't particularly bother me,  because I realized at that time that I was at least as happy as my married friends (and considerably happier than some), so there was no real reason to keep trying. My instinct tells me that if some extraordinary turn of fate brings me a potential partner, I'll know it almost immediately - but the slate is blank for now.

[nerdography]

I never actively looked for a partner. Before, I realized I was aroace I just figured I’d meet someone. But, as I got older I realized that wasn’t something that I wanted.

[Geekykitty]

On 10/29/2022 at 11:51 AM, estherann said:

I'm 35 and I think I'm done. It's not just the sex. I have particular needs for routine due to autism and physical health conditions that in my experience no one is willing to accommodate. Better to be alone than to be sick every day.

 

 

Yeah I feel the same. For me its not just that I'm asexual that makes finding someone compatible hard, its all the other stuff I have going on also. I have a skin condition and anxiety and depression. I don't think anyone would want me 😫

 

On 10/22/2022 at 10:21 AM, Teddy Bear said:

I’m wondering what age people here decided to stop looking for a partner and the reasons for it?

 

How do you feel following the decision?

 

Do you ever consider looking again?

I was keen to have a relationship when I was in high school because thats what everyone else was doing. I ended up dating a guy who was my friend. He did all the asking out, I never really actively made much effort to find someone ! It didn't work out, I came to realise I wasn't really into physical affection and didnt really know how to have a relationship even though I thought it was what I wanted 😝 I've never looked for a relationship since. Sometimes I will feel some attraction to someone or feel a bit lonely and wish I had a partner, but I don't actively try to look for a partner. I've kinda accepted that its easier for me to be alone. Sometimes it makes me sad. Sometimes I wish I was more "normal" and didnt have all these weird issues that stop me pursueing relationships. But realistically I know its extremely unlikely I could find someone who would be right for me.

 

[hermitbrain]

I'm 41 and have only had one long term boyfriend when I was 20 for 2 years and it was horrible. I have tried dating websites since then but it felt like I was just forcing myself to try and fulfil some societal requirement to fit in. i've never understood my friends who couldn't go a week without having have a partner and just fell into relationships at the drop of a hat! I decided early on in my life (late 20's maybe) that I wasn't going to worry about spending time searching for someone, that if i happened to meet a person that fit I would go with it and I'm so glad I did. i think I would never have had the life I have so far and explored the world if I was worried about trying to find a partner and 'settle down'.

 

I have only just realised that I'm quite likely asexual and definitely aromatic. Its actually an amazing relief to understand that i'm not the odd one out.

I'm still working out if I think a relationship is even possible on some level but no way am I going on dating sites again!

[Ceebs]

44 minutes ago, Geekykitty said:

For me its not just that I'm asexual that makes finding someone compatible hard, its all the other stuff I have going on also. I have a skin condition and anxiety and depression. I don't think anyone would want me 😫

I know that feeling really well (other than the asexuality bit since I'm not ace). I've have a lot of shame. I remember an ex reminding me on the day she broke up with me (or rather, one of the several times since it was off and on a lot) that I'd never be able to date 'normally' and do things the way other people do when it comes to finding a partner. May as well have said 'No one will want someone as complicated as you'.
 

Like you, I struggle with depression and anxiety. And other mental health stuff, and I'm not neurotypical, and I have some chronic physical issues. Also like you, my partner has a skin condition. And he's experienced some childhood trauma that affected him pretty significantly. But none of these things affect our ability to love each other just as we are.

 

My point being... it's definitely possible that there's someone out there who'd want you and love you.

[NerdyBirdy]

I’m 34 and have given up, but couldn’t be happier about it. I never really thought about pursuing a relationship properly until my early 20s . I just wasn’t bothered before, although I had quite a few sexual experiences at uni, I never enjoyed them, and only did it to gain experience and feel less abnormal. When I was at school I didn’t date at all and only ever thought about having a boyfriend when I felt weird for never having had one. I realise now I had always wished I had had a boyfriend, that that I actually wanted one in the present.

 

I had a great group of friends in my early to mid 20s who weren’t bothered about dating either and I was happy for a while, not even thinking about dating. It was always a ‘one day’ thing, but not for the here and now. I was still young so where was the rush. I should have known then that I was ace but The resources weren’t really there to find out and I didn’t even think to look. One day my friends decided to start online dating and I felt pressured (by myself not them) to do the same. 9 Years of fruitless attempts to find a partner later I have finally concluded I’m asexual and probably aromantic too. I now only have an okcupid profile active and I’m only looking for friends on it. I do still hope to find a partner one day but it’s not something I’m actively pursuing. I could never develop feelings for strangers as quickly as others on online dating sites seem to be able to. If I don’t find anyone I’d be equally happy with a few ace friends 😊

[Geekykitty]

9 hours ago, Ceebs said:

My point being... it's definitely possible that there's someone out there who'd want you and love you

Yeah its possible I could find someone, but very unlikely. They'd have to be asexual too, and also someone that has some kind of either mental health issues/skin condition/disability etc... so that they would understand me - I don't want someone perfect and normal! 😝 I just feel like its extremely unlikely I'd find that 1 person out of 10 million people who would fit that and also like me and put up with my weirdness. I guess its possible, but I havent got the energy to try really. If my dream person comes along then great, but I'm not going to be actively seeking them out or waiting and hoping.

I'm glad you and your partner have found eachother. I have my cat who I love so that's ok. She doesn't mind my bad skin and anxiety and my grumpy moods 🤪

[Ceebs]

5 hours ago, Geekykitty said:

I'm not going to be actively seeking them

Yeah I get that. I don't ever actively seek people to date even though I'm not ace. I don't go out of my way to meet new people in any capacity tbh (which isn't to say I'm not quite thankful that I meet new people inadvertently now and then). It's just not... my style. Not really compatible with my personality or lifestyle or limitations.

[daveb]

In my teen years I didn't do any seeking or dating as I was way too shy. In my 20s and 30s I tried a few things (personals ads, dating service, even asking out a co-worker), but had no success with any of that. I pretty much stopped trying after that (with one or two brief attempts over the years/decades). And no one ever asked me out or showed any interest in me as far as I could tell (which might not be very far  ), for better or worse, until I was nearly 50. Then I had a long distance relationship that lasted a couple of years before we broke up. Then I found asexuality.

[imnotafreakofnature!]

I didn't discover asexuality till eight years into my second marriage, which ended about three years ago. I have no plans to look anymore, and no reason to believe that there might be someone out there for me (just turned 59 last month). However, I'll be the first to admit that a romantic heart in an asexual body isn't a fun way to live.

[Dreamfyre]

 

I was always encouraged to put my education first as a teen so I never dated in secondary school and rejected everyone who showed interest. Being from a small island I chased dreams of seeing the world and I always put that infront of dating. If I were to die tomorrow my biggest regret would be not going back England. It's not, not being married or having dated.

 

I am fortunate to have discovered asexuality when I was sixteen so I was spared a lot of trouble.

 

So I've never really looked the few times I did it just happened. If it comes again it will come but I do not chase anyone.

[Astraios]

Halfway through August 2020. I got involved in a LDR that started out well but gradually deteriorated. She was horrible to me. I was miserable for ages afterwards. Enough is enough.

Before that was 2013. I took a woman I knew for a drink. She got insanely drunk and spent 3 days in my bed. I spent the bulk of the time in the kitchen. Looking back I can't find someone to blame. Was it her for taking advantage or me for letting her. It was freezing in the kitchen too. I've taken to calling her a sexual terrorist. I seldom mention my part of the story. 

[Alylib]

I never really put myself out there or went actively looking for a partner. I’m my teens and early 20’s I felt like I just needed to wait for things to happen because things were happening to others around me but they never did. I’m 30 now, and would be interested in knowing what a romantic relationship felt like but I don’t think it’ll happen. I’m not great in social situations and am not very confident so I’ve just decided it’s probably supposed to be this way. 

[GaiaGoddess]

I just turned 50 and also got diagnosed Autistic this year. Being a menopausal Autistic woman who doesn't like sex is not exactly a good catch, lol So I am pretty doubtful I'll ever find another partner. I could have my last boyfriend back if I wanted but, just no, lol He doesn't know I'm Autistic but I don't think that would deter him.

[MinnieMouse]

5 hours ago, GaiaGoddess said:

I just turned 50 and also got diagnosed Autistic this year. Being a menopausal Autistic woman who doesn't like sex is not exactly a good catch, lol So I am pretty doubtful I'll ever find another partner. I could have my last boyfriend back if I wanted but, just no, lol He doesn't know I'm Autistic but I don't think that would deter him.

Yeah, being autistic can make difficult things even more difficult. I’m autistic too and have no idea what other people think about me unless they say it in words. I’m terrible at flirting, it’s just a very unnatural thing for me to do. I hate this ’code language’. What’s wrong with words?! 

[Lilibulero]

Never actively searched, once it twice got ' headhunted', but stepped back in 1990.

[GaiaGoddess]

18 hours ago, MinnieMouse said:

Yeah, being autistic can make difficult things even more difficult. I’m autistic too and have no idea what other people think about me unless they say it in words. I’m terrible at flirting, it’s just a very unnatural thing for me to do. I hate this ’code language’. What’s wrong with words?! 

It definitely makes everything more difficult! It's why most Autistics have anxiety and depression. I'm bad at flirting too, like I don't know what to do because, like you, it feels unnatural so I just wait until they do it but then I don't know how to respond and start to freak out, lol

[MinnieMouse]

18 hours ago, GaiaGoddess said:

It definitely makes everything more difficult! It's why most Autistics have anxiety and depression. I'm bad at flirting too, like I don't know what to do because, like you, it feels unnatural so I just wait until they do it but then I don't know how to respond and start to freak out, lol

Oh yeah, that’s so hard! I would prefer a ’Hello, I’m in love with you’. 😄

[shellsbelles]

I also never really looked. But i'm 32 now never been in a relationship (romantic or sexual)  and am trying to come to terms with I will always be alone. For the first time ever last year someone said they had feelings for me. I actually had them for him too but he said he can't ever be in another relationship which has crushed me. It's someone I have known for 15 years and if it takes me that long to fall for someone I will never meet anyone to have a life with.

 

The worst part is I don't want to lose him in my life, we had a mutual female friend that I had to let go and he has been hanging out with er more which isn't helping my feelings. We have talked about it and he says he needs to be allowed to live his life and that he is not looking for a relationship with anyone. But it still hurts to see how much they hangout.

 

Any suggestions for not feeling so upset?

[Yjug]

For me, it was around 23 (more than 8 years ago....and now that I write it, I'm like damn time flies). I broke up with my last boyfriend, after I had a rebound which left me feeling empty...after that I decided to stop dating all together. I stop being hard on myself for not being able to make relationships work (being together over year or doing a trip together). After that, I really enjoyed being with myself and found happiness and freedom

 

FYI I found that I was an aroace not too long ago, so that has made things easier to understand that chapter. I've only had a platonic love once after that, but he already had a girlfriend. So, although the thought of looking again has passed my mind, I am very tranquil now and I would only look for friendship.

[Yjug]

On 12/9/2022 at 5:03 PM, shellsbelles said:

I also never really looked. But i'm 32 now never been in a relationship (romantic or sexual)  and am trying to come to terms with I will always be alone. For the first time ever last year someone said they had feelings for me. I actually had them for him too but he said he can't ever be in another relationship which has crushed me. It's someone I have known for 15 years and if it takes me that long to fall for someone I will never meet anyone to have a life with.

 

The worst part is I don't want to lose him in my life, we had a mutual female friend that I had to let go and he has been hanging out with er more which isn't helping my feelings. We have talked about it and he says he needs to be allowed to live his life and that he is not looking for a relationship with anyone. But it still hurts to see how much they hangout.

 

Any suggestions for not feeling so upset?

Sorry to hear that, what a hard situation, even more if it has a 15 year history. Not a suggestion but rather an opinion. Coming to terms about being alone is different from being lonely. Is actually a good start to get to know yourself better and find that you are a cool person to be with. Starting that search may help to get your mind off things, while life takes its course and puts things in place