When did you give up trying to find a partner?

[Guest]

I’m wondering what age people here decided to stop looking for a partner and the reasons for it?

 

How do you feel following the decision?

 

Do you ever consider looking again?

[blunose2772]

I never actively looked for a partner and don't intend to. Should a partner find me I'll roll with it but as for actively looking no thanks.

[BKPR70]

I stopped looking a couple of years ago, so at 50. I'm just tired lol. I've dated here and there since but at my age it's become a waste of time. Partnering with a fellow ace would be so ideal, but that's become pretty impossible. I wish I were aro!

 

I don't know if I would consider it again, honestly. 

[Guest]

11 minutes ago, BKPR70 said:

I stopped looking a couple of years ago, so at 50. I'm just tired lol. I've dated here and there since but at my age it's become a waste of time. Partnering with a fellow ace would be so ideal, but that's become pretty impossible. I wish I were aro!

 

I don't know if I would consider it again, honestly. 

I think it’s impressive you’ve been open to it for as long as that in some ways. For myself, by about 30 I was feeling completely hopeless about it.

 

I’d like to think there’s someone out there for everyone (if they want it) but as asexuals it seems exceptionally difficult to find someone. 

[Philip027]

I never specifically looked for a partner.  If one came along, cool.  I prefer things to develop naturally.

 

It's how my current partnership/marriage developed.  As far as either of us knew, we just started out chatting and commiserating about our experiences with depression.  Neither of us expected anything to develop the way it did.

[Eutierria]

9 minutes ago, Ghostbrush Terrorwood said:

I’m wondering what age people here decided to stop looking for a partner and the reasons for it?

 

32 (36 now). I thought I'd met my forever person (1st boyfriend) during a relationship that spanned 14.5yrs. In hindsight, I was super naive, centered him in decisions at my own expense & the thought of him being a liar & a cheat never once crossed my mind. We lived together for the last 2yrs & the relationship fell apart within months. A person can't really hide, for long, who they really are when they're living with you. 

 

I left that relationship never wanting to EVER be with another person again. 

 

16 minutes ago, Ghostbrush Terrorwood said:

How do you feel following the decision?

It was the right decision for me. It wouldn't have been healthy for me to jump straight into another relationship without having healed first. Without healing, I'd likely to have ended up for the same type of man & be re-traumatised. 

 

17 minutes ago, Ghostbrush Terrorwood said:

Do you ever consider looking again?

Overtime, I joined dating sites/apps. I learned a lot. A younger me would've probably gone out with anyone who showed interest. I'm super selective now & an app actually started showing me women (I'm a hetero woman) - I presume because I noped a lot of men (many of whom threw up red flags of misogyny in their bios).

 

I've adjusted my preconceptions of people - the person who comes across engaging & cultured can be on there for their own ego boost & has no intention of dating, the generically aesthetically attractive person who can hold a conversation may be a deeply insecure person who has never worked on their wounds, the person who wants to be your protector might want a mother figure etc. Occasionally you may see friends on there & your gut instinct will be able to guide you whether you want to keep the friendship. I have guy friends who I wouldn't consider dating because I already know we wouldn't romantically make a good match. As a demiromantic person, I need a potential partner to be friends first so that's potentially a tricky spot for me. 

 

There's a lot I want to achieve from life. Finding a compatible partner has slid down my list of priorities. If he appears in my life, I wouldn't automatically say no but he would need to tick a lot of boxes before it even feels worth considering. 

 

 

[Steel13]

I stopped looking a year ago (I am currently 23). I've noticed that I feel much better about myself since stopping and generally have less anxiety in my day to day life, so I'm glad I was honest with myself and knew when to give up.

 

I think I would like to have a partner one day, but it was just stressful and frustrating to look. I think I might try again when I am settled in a specific place and in a solid state in my career, so if I actually succeed in meeting someone it doesn't stop me from reaching my goals. I like to think I'll be there by my mid 30s.

[BKPR70]

14 minutes ago, Ghostbrush Terrorwood said:

I think it’s impressive you’ve been open to it for as long as that in some ways. For myself, by about 30 I was feeling completely hopeless about it.

 

I’d like to think there’s someone out there for everyone (if they want it) but as asexuals it seems exceptionally difficult to find someone. 

Ugh, it's impossible. The thing is that I'm outgoing and chatty. Many aces that I've met or interacted with are the complete opposite. I think I scare people lol. So I just raise my arms up in defeat 😩

[Shoro]

Don’t ever give up! 😊

 

🤍🖤💜

[Ceebs]

I'm not ace, but I've never actively looked for a partner. I don't really ever go into any social situation actively looking for anything, platonic or otherwise. I just... sometimes happen to meet people based on whatever I happen to be doing, online or offline. And once in a blue moon, since I'm open to the possibility of connection -- crave it actually, despite being fairly passive about my social life -- I find a friend or fall in love.

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, Shoro said:

Don’t ever give up! 😊

 

🤍🖤💜

I feel like it depends. Some people may feel much happier accepting single life, particularly if they’ve tried for long enough and it made them miserable.

 

I wish people luck and happiness with whatever they choose though. 🙂

[Guest]

7 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

I'm not ace, but I've never actively looked for a partner. I don't really ever go into any social situation actively looking for anything, platonic or otherwise. I just... sometimes happen to meet people based on whatever I happen to be doing, online or offline. And once in a blue moon, since I'm open to the possibility of connection, I find a friend or fall in love.

I think there’s definitely something in that. With no expectations and just being relaxed in the moment can present opportunities and we’re more our true selves then too.

 

I’m not a social person and definitely not popular but have found some valuable friends from being open to possibilities and reaching out.

[hewhomainsness]

i never really looked, i just assumed that one would just magically appear or something and we would get married

 

turns out i'm aro so uhh

[AceArospec]

I never actively looked either; even though I wasn't aware of the terms "asexual" or "aromantic" I didn't ever really understand the interest in dating or anything beyond friendship. (And I only ever had a few close friends). I did date a bit in my 20s and early 30s, but only twice on purpose. Most of the time I wasn't even aware that's what they were. (I usually thought we were just "hanging out" & I'm still not 100% sure if I couldn't identify which ones were which). 

 

Growing up I just figured I'd get married & have kids because that was the expectation, but it wasn't until I left home and went to college that I even truly realized there were other options including NOT doing either of those. 

[Sister Mercurial]

2009 is when I quit dating.  Since then, I've theoretically had nothing against finding the right person if the right person comes along, but haven't been putting myself through the ordeal of wasting evenings on people I don't fancy in the hope they might grow on me over time and seeking an escape route when they think everything is going to happen in short order.  And then a guy I started to think might be the right person came along, but by the time he started to pique my interest, he'd decided to pursue someone else.  Having a timeline for relationships that doesn't fit society's expectations is a royal pain.  

[Eutierria]

1 hour ago, hewhomainsness said:

i just assumed that one would just magically appear

Are you familiar with the Pokémon tune when one appears in the wild? That music came to mind when I read your sentence...followed by "I choose you!" 🤣

[ashpenaz]

The last time I kissed a woman was when I was 30. I remember the moment--we had sort of been going out, but I wasn't responding to her sexual advances. At the time, I had no idea what an asexual was, and she and I were both confused. Anyway, it was when I heading home from graduate school, and she was standing in the parking lot. I walked over and kissed her as some kind of final gesture. We then went our separate ways. At the time, I kind of thought it would be my last kiss, and I'm now in my 60s, so that was a good prediction. It took me 20 years to find the term "asexual." 

[B4BEA]

In my late 20s I stumbled into a 30 year marriage with another asexual person. Of course, neither of us had a word for what we were. It is only now, 20 months into being a widow that I realize the uniqueness of what we shared all these years.  I admit, I tried dating recently, thinking I wanted  to find a compatible partner again, Well .... LOL

NOT VERY LIKELY - it was an utter failure, since I am not at all willing to compromise in any area of my life.  He would have to love the Western US, ride horses, have intelligent conversations, be funny and aesthetically pleasing, and put up with my idiosyncrasies  ...  So I am quite resigned to be alone from now on. It's kind of fun, actually

 

 

[Guest]

I've never actively looked. I wait for someone to turn up in my life and see how things naturally progress. If no-one turns up, OK. I don't actively meet new people with the purpose of finding a romantic partner. I find the concept forced and unnatural. I'd like a relationship to develop naturally, not from actively trying to conjure it. 

[Lilibulero]

Never actually looked for a partner, but a couple attached themselves to me before I was 30.

I didn't look for anyone after 1990 either, and it was a relief when prospectives seemed to get the message.

[GogoDelgato]

I’m 32 and just recently stopped looking. It wasn’t until I started looking into what asexuality actually meant that I found something similar to what I was experiencing. I’ve been married, had a kid, had other relationships and if I had been honest with myself about my feelings towards sex…well I probably wouldn’t need so much therapy. I started focusing on things I enjoy…started taking classes. I’m still figuring out how to deal with not having a partner to worry about, but I’m so much happier now. 

[EdInLeeds]

I am very close to stopping, which is why I've just read this thread.

 

I am 37 and a virgin. I've never had a "relationship". When dating, the most that I had was 3 with the same woman.

 

I am still friends with one woman who asked me out on a date, but we only had one date before we decided to be friends. I cannot help but compare and contrast the two of us. She is generally happy being single and is not even that bothered about having friends, although she is very, very, very bothered about her mother. I come from a dysfunctional family and can only put up with my family for small periods of time. I think that this is the reason why I get lonely and want to have relationships beyond my family, but I'm not very good at them.

 

I wish that I could be one of those people who just says that they don't care about being single forever, but I'm not able to overcome the longing to share my life with someone. As at the end of Manchester by the Sea: "I can't beat it. I'm sorry".

 

 

[Ortac]

I have never looked either; I never felt any desire to. In fact, the older I get, the more certain I am that I am not interested in having a partner.

 

When I was younger, had someone found me, there was a possibility I would have just rolled with it. Now though, I would most likely walk away and say no thanks, I am not interested in having a relationship.

 

[Guest]

On 10/23/2022 at 3:59 AM, B4BEA said:

In my late 20s I stumbled into a 30 year marriage with another asexual person. Of course, neither of us had a word for what we were. It is only now, 20 months into being a widow that I realize the uniqueness of what we shared all these years.  I admit, I tried dating recently, thinking I wanted  to find a compatible partner again, Well .... LOL

NOT VERY LIKELY - it was an utter failure, since I am not at all willing to compromise in any area of my life.  He would have to love the Western US, ride horses, have intelligent conversations, be funny and aesthetically pleasing, and put up with my idiosyncrasies  ...  So I am quite resigned to be alone from now on. It's kind of fun, actually

 

 

Would you say you look for different qualities in people than you did in your 20s? I'm curious how it may have changed since then.

 

Sorry for your loss, btw. 

[B4BEA]

15 hours ago, Ghostbrush Terrorwood said:

Would you say you look for different qualities in people than you did in your 20s? I'm curious how it may have changed since then.

I think the core values i.e. honesty, humor, kindness, are still the same, but some things are less important i.e. good  provider; I have some more emotional intelligence than in my 20s and would hope for similar growth in a partner

[Euna]

I've had two dating breaks - one was quite long, it was when I first realized I was ace and coincided with graduating college. The other dating break is right now. 😅 I had some bad experiences while trying to date the last 2 years, and I got fed up. I have a crush on someone, but he lives far away now and we only see each other in Zoom meetings a couple times a month, so that seems rather futile. 😔 I'm open-minded to finding someone and I still go to meetups, etc, just not actively dating or anything.

On 10/21/2022 at 5:21 PM, Ghostbrush Terrorwood said:

and the reasons for it

Repeated failures, sadness, and tired of being disappointed. I've spent 10 years in that head space, I really don't want to spend the next 10-20 years like that. When I picture myself as an older woman, I want to be confident, free, and calm, even if I'm alone.

[Sally]

I got married for a reason other than wanting to do so and never had any hope of finding someone I could consider a real partner.  Then ten years into the marriage, at my workplace (a university) I met the man who turned out to be that real partner.  He was married also, we both got divorced, and were together until his death.  

[B4BEA]

6 hours ago, Euna said:

When I picture myself as an older woman, I want to be confident, free, and calm, even if I'm alone.

I hold a similar picture of myself in my heart - and as I said before, I am not willing to compromise on core values anymore -" I am not that lonely (yet)"  LOL

[B4BEA]

3 hours ago, Sally said:

.....and were together until his death.  

Sorry about your loss❤️ Having had a true partner for many years, how does one even contemplate diving back into this murky dating pool with the hope of finding such a rare treasure?  .... and does it get easier over time to be alone ?

[estherann]

I'm 35 and I think I'm done. It's not just the sex. I have particular needs for routine due to autism and physical health conditions that in my experience no one is willing to accommodate. Better to be alone than to be sick every day.

 

I'm learning to live alone. Been sorting out ID so I can access services and legally rent on my own etc. Still don't have the social skills to achieve full independence from my ex but I'm looking into ways to throw money at problems to convince people to help me without relying on them liking me.