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Is top surgery a good decision?


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To star off I am AFAB genderfluid and I use he/she/they.

 

I can't decide if I want top surgery and here's why. When I feel masculine I hate hate hate having a chest, even if mine is small, it just feel off, it feels wrong. But when I feel feminine I don't mind it that much, I actually like it even. Most of the time I either feel masculine or nonbinary, I'm not sure why but I feel uncomfortable when I feel like a girl for too long. Before I really wanted top surgery, I had so many plans, but now I don't know how I feel. Maybe because I don't know what I present as currently? (sometimes it's just too  hardto figure out) And it makes me feel torn apart.

 

I don't like when people assume I'ma girl just because of how I look. My family has a rich history of breast cancer, so I'd feel safer too. I'd finally feel comfortable swimming or staying over at someone's house. I do bind often. When I think of myself I can't imagine having a chest (daydreams, dreams, scenarios, etc.)

 

But what if I don't like how it looks? What if I feel like it was a mistake. Or it makes me dysphoric when I feel feminine instead?

 

I was thinking of doing a 'test run' of not binding for a week or two and recoridng how I feel to have a better prespective of how I view myself. Of course it's not a light decision and if I do decide I want surgery it won't happen for a good few years or even more, my decision probably won't be final but it's eating me from the inside not knowing what I want with my life and body.

 

What do you think? 🙏

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Fraggle Underdark

Sounds like you've really thought this out well, the pros and also your concerns.

 

Since it won't happen for a while any, I'd recommend trying to find a way to be comfortable with your uncertainty for now. That gives you a lot of time to try on different perspectives, like doing the not binding like you said and maybe you could imagine yourself chestless for a long time, even when feeling feminine. Bind and do your best to pretend the top surgery has already been done. If you can see yourself that way for a long time, and you're not feeling like you miss it or otherwise feel happy with the idea of top surgery, then you're good.

 

And I get how even if someone feels confident, it's not something that can be undone. I'm very wary of permanent choices even when I'm confident in them, for that reason. No one can completely know the future. But sometimes it's still worth doing such choices.

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I am always a big advocate for "if you don't like a thing on your body - change it". But I get your struggle - some days you are OK with having breasts. 

 

Speaking from my experience, I am a cis-guy of ectomorph body, but whenever I gain weight, I get some of it rather in the chest area and hips, not typical men "beer belly" - which makes me look kinda feminine. Now, I don't mind it and obviously no dysphoria so it doesn't bother me. I wouldn't say I suffer from gynecomastia, so surgical reduction was never a serious thought I entertained. But, whenever I did thing of it, this, this is my biggest fear (same goes for my rhyno that I will have to get at some point bcs of medical reasons):

 

3 hours ago, A Bean said:

But what if I don't like how it looks? What if I feel like it was a mistake.

On this I fully understand you. I am afraid - we can't know in advance. I guess - while still weighting out your options, if not triggering, do heck of a reseearch on surgeons that come into consideration. From YT trans-masc guys, I saw many have prefered type of surgery or specific name in mind at the beginning of their journey.

 

I guess the best advice is really - give it time. For now, bind safely on "masc days", but allow yourself some rest as well. I imagine dysphoria sucks, but don't harm your body, pls.

 

Another thing you mention is cancer. It sucks, man. I know, my family has history as well (and yeah, I am very much aware it can be passed down through men and us men can get it too). So, technically, you have a medical "pro chop" reason as well. 

 

3 hours ago, A Bean said:

(...) but it's eating me from the inside not knowing what I want with my life and body.

About this one - maybe I am projecting - but sounds so vague, general and normal to me. Most people don't know what they want and what they are doing with their lives. And I think the way your body is won't be too much of a factor in this matter anyways. Not a full 0 %, but also not crucial. Sorry for assuming, but I'd say you are a teen or adolescent still, and you have plenty of time to figure yourself and your body out. 

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If it were not for the cancer risk I would probably advise against surgery given that your gender identity is fluid and you sometimes like your chest. However, depending on how great the cancer risk is, that would be a reason for a mastectomy even for a cis woman. I would advise putting your health first. If you have not done so already you can get genetic testing to find out whether you have inherited the cancer promoting genes that run in your family. If you have, a doctor could help you assess how high your risk is and at what age this may become a concern. There is always a chance you haven't even inherited the genes that would increase your risk, so don't jump to conclusions until you have solid information.

 

If you ever get top surgery/a mastectomy for whatever reason and afterwards discover that you sometimes want to present femininely, you could wear a bra with padding or prosthetic breats. Since femininity is not all about breasts, you could also wear tops designed for women with very small breasts or take advantage of not actually needing a bra to wear strapless tops.

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It really depends on the person and their health. I bind currently because I don't know if top surgery is best for me, plus its expensive. It's a good decision if you think so for yourself really. Good luck 

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I'm in a somewhat similar boat as OP- I'm agender, and my feelings about having breasts are mostly neutral to negative.  I don't especially enjoy the things, but I'm just not sure if I really want to go through with major surgery to get them removed.  Getting my wisdom teeth out was bad enough...

 

(I don't bind because I have sensory issues that make restrictive clothing No Fun Whatsoever. )

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  • 1 month later...

I'm also at risk for breast cancer (my mom had it a few yrs back so that translates to me ig?) 

 

Is it still a good idea to get it? Sometimes Im ish on it but most days I don't like it

But I also hate surgery and all so idk

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