Am I asexual, or just traumatised? I dont know what I am.

[AlexKp]

So for basic info, my name is Alexandra (female) and I'm 20. I'm with my male fiance Jake who I've been with for 5 years and love to bits.

 

For as long as I can remember, I've never had much interest in sex. Even as a young teen when I discovered porn for the first time, I watched it a lot but mostly out of curiosity, and because I liked the thrill of doing something 'bad' . I've had crushes on a lot of people since I was a child, no matter what gender/sex, but never any real interest in sex. When I realised that porn didn't do the trick I went to erotic literature, which I liked more (the well written stuff at least) but again, didn't get much out of. Tried masturbating in all sorts of ways across my teen years but once again, nothing seemed to really, work. Hell I've never even had an orgasm. 90% of stuff just didn't feel good and the other stuff didn't feel, well, like anything.

 

I think it's worth noting that in my teen years, my close male friend sexually harassed and assaulted me a lot. He sexualised and fetishised me in all sorts of ways, almost directly triggering an eating disorder. It wasn't until we cut contact at 15/16 that I realised the extent of what happened to me. For a while I didn't feel comfortable being intimate with my partners and I hated how I looked (I developed anorexia not long after). I've since been through therapy and got diagnosed with PTSD and overall feel better, I'm not being triggered anymore as such, but my outlook on sex is still, weird.

 

Kissing doesn't feel good or anything. Me and my fiance have tried many different types of foreplay and intimacy and discussed sex/sexual acts a lot but nothing feels good. We haven't had sex yet- neither of us wanted to try for a bit because we were young and not ready, and now it's a case of letting it happen naturally/when it feels right. He knows I identify as asexual, knows what it means and is fine with it. I said I dont care about sex, but I like how I feel when I'm with him, which is true. i enjoy the time with him, I enjoy knowing he feels good, etc. But I feel like I have to dissociate or something because I dont feel anything at all. Nothing feels good. I don't have any urges or sexual attraction. I don't like how I look and am still anorexic which doesn't help but I don't know if this is because I'm asexual, or if there's something else doing on.

[Guest]

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[Guest]

20 minutes ago, AlexKp said:

Nothing feels good. I don't have any urges or sexual attraction. I don't like how I look and am still anorexic which doesn't help but I don't know if this is because I'm asexual, or if there's something else doing on

Yeah that can hard to determine, honestly the best way to know is does the lack of sexual feelings causes you distress because you want to be sexual and feels like something is missing or the distress is caused by society that does not accept people who are not sexual.

If it’s the first one, it can be something to discuss with a sex therapist, otherwise, here other asexual people are here for you and can help you feel better about yourself 

[WhiteCatandcherries]

I can't really help you in determining whether it is "orginal asexuality" or trauma. By that I mean - right now, regardless of if you were always going to be asexual or if it is something caused by trauma, you are asexual. That's how you experience the world. If your asexuality were to be caused by something, it wouldn't make you any less valid. And let's say it's trauma: either this effect (asexuality) is life long or maybe maybe with time something will make the effect change/ go away. Then there is no harm done, you can just change your label if it no longer fits you. And while it does fit you like now and potentially forever, it's how you experience the world and thus you are asexual.

 

[Daniteehee]

I had a really similar thought process when I first began questioning my (a)sexuality. Eventually someone told me you’ll never really know if your asexuality is from trauma or if it’s a part of you that would’ve been uncovered eventually anyway. They said it much better than i just did, but that’s the gist of it. I’m not sure if this will help, but for me it was a real breakthrough.

[nbfierymamaellenweorc]

I had sexual trauma as young child in foster care. I have no doubt it is part of why i am asexual now.  (I also think how much my faith growing up hammered in sex = make babies after marriage and that's it may have contributed to it a bit. Not to mention how I live in a state where sex ed and sexual orientation/ gender identity discussions are taboo) because I was so young when my trauma happened -- I will never know if my ace nature is solely trauma induced or if I would be as I am anyway.

 

To explain myself, I am married with two kids, but PIV especially is a horror for me, not just because my whacked hormones make it painful (yay PCOS!) but the thought of anything going in there *shudder* it pretty much frightens the crap out of me. I find people attractive sure, but I generally don't think about having sex with them. I can masturbate, but weirdly actually getting off also scares the crap out of me. That sensation that's basically the warning -- makes me stop EVERY TIME.

 

Honestly, it doesn't really matter where your aceness comes from, just that you are.  However, I would recommend finding a therapist perhaps to work through your traumas because it seems that there are aspects of your life impacted by it. And that could include your ace identity -- learning how to accept it as part of who you are