lost for words...

[love buzz]

so i'm not new to this forum even though i just signed up today, i've been reading what you guys have to say about asexiness and i can relate. it's tearing my heart out.

i'm in my mid thirties. it's been 15 years since i had a boyfriend (my one and only adult one and it lasted all of 6 weeks - no sex), 10 years since i have so much as kissed a guy but i have had sexual partners. 3 one night flings, a friend who i slept with for fun a few times and an off and on 4 year long affair with a married man.

i fall madly in love with guys all the time. sometimes it leaves me so confused, i don't know how to deal with the feelings. you could call it a crush or whatever but for me it's love and it doesn't go away as easily as a crush might.

the feelings i get aren't of a sexual nature, i've never liked it nor understood why people can get so addicted to sex. it does nothing for me but leave me with feelings of guilt and a disappointment because of my lack of enjoyment. imagine being asked why you look so sad just after you've slept with a guy. it's devastating when they think they've done something to upset me but it isn't that of course.

in my current situation i've been in love with this beautiful spirit for almost a year. we work together. i'm intensely shy and antisocial so i also avoid most interaction with him unless i'm in a playful mood (or have drunk too much coffee). every one around knows i like him and we get along perfectly 99% of the time. he's brought me out of my shell a hell of a lot more than anyone else has managed to do in the past year.

my heart is breaking because i love him so much but i'm afraid. in the past if i'd liked guys this much i avoided them totally, even leaving my job to get away from the pain and confusion but this time around i'm surrounded by people i can trust and look up to. i don't know if i want to admit to anyone my predicament, but i desperately need to do something or i'm going to end up running away from it all again.

i'd be happy having him as a friend but i'm quite sure i'd get jealous and act irrationally if he met another girl who was more interactive and sociable.

:oops:

what to do?

[Ziffler]

I guess its up to me to start the replies.

What I don't understand is people that are asexual having sexual flings when they dont want sex?

Love and sex are two different things.

I have longed for love my whole life, but I despise sex with every fiber of my being.

So I don't get people when they say they had sex for the other person when they didnt really want to do it. It's not love when you have sex so the other person will be with you. Its love when you and the other person want be together without sex.

That goes for sexuals also. Sexuals think they are in love when really they are in LUST! Be together without sex and see how long you love eachother. If that works then add sex to your lives.

Asexuals, don't compromise with something thats going to eat at you. It's not love if both of you can't live without sex. If one or the other has to have sex then its lust. If an aseuxal links themselves to a person of lust, then how is it going to work?

Look for love. Demand LOVE and nothing less. If you never find love then so be it, but at least you have made the search and not compromised and made yourself even more miserable than you already are.

I have never found LOVE in another human being. I have found it in God, but not yet in a companion here on this earth. Does that hurt. YES! I searched long for someone whom I could love and who would love me. I never found that person and there is an empty place in my soul because of it. But I never compromised. I didnt give into the lust of others HOPING they would love me for that compromise.

Love Buzz, All of us, want the same thing. LOVE. To be loved and to give love. But I tell asexuals the same thing that parents used to tell their teenaged girls when I was a kid. Don't give it away, meaning sex. Find true love first. The boy who really loves you won't want to get into sex with you before marriage.

Love Buzz, The person that truely loves you, wont make you have sex when you dont want to. You wont have to put out to keep the person that loves you. Until you find the person who will honor you, without sex, you havent found love.

Thats my 2 cents. right or wrong, thats what I believe.

[newgirl]

"What I don't understand is people that are asexual having sexual flings when they dont want sex?"

I have to agree 100% with Ziffler quote and his whole post,Why do Asexuals especial virgins have sexual flings when they don't want sex or dislike casual sex route.

[love buzz]

they have the sex because they think it will fill a void and anyway, most people don't really know they don't like the sex until they try it.

it takes time for some people to realise they just don't like sex. i don't despise sex, it just doesn't interest me or turn me on in a physical way. it's the closeness and intimacy, the bonding and friendship i need. i could live forever with no sex or make compromises so long as he understood i wasn't into it and didn't feel the need to express myself sexually. i'd do anything so long as he didn't expect a flood of emotion and passion in the bedroom. i've considered this a lot over the years and have even explored dominant/submissive relationship online though i've never tried it out in the real world.

i've never had to tell someone i'm not into sex...can people just guess? if someone is so obviously not into sex, dating, etc...wouldn't most people assume i was queer or damaged in some way?

i've more problems in my life, not just the sex thing. i also have massive trust issues and it takes me forever to warm up to people. maybe in time i'll be able to deal with this more rationally but it's driving me crazy how much i'm into him. i feel like my life isn't worth living if he isn't around me or if he's having a bad day.

thanks for your opinions anyway.

[Freed_Spirit]

Here's a *hug*, love buzz.

I joined AVEN in March. I'm still amazed that finally the answer is so simple - 'hey, I'm asexual!'. But I am having to rewire my brain regarding relationships - I've been married and in love and found it so hard that all the wonderful stuff - the closeness, cuddles, kisses, kindnesses, also required that 'one little thing' - sex. I'm hopeful though, that by being honest with friends and 'possibles' about who I am, I will meet the right person someday. I think Ziffler is right to say, look for love and nothing less.

It is hard to give you specific advice about your current situation. I would say talk to him and tell him how you feel, and who you are as an asexy - if he likes you as a friend you may be able to stay that way. Or more. Or less - but it would shift the deadlock you seem to feel. So perhaps ask yourself first, do you want the situation to change? And of course it is a very hard conversation to have.

Another *hug* and welcome to AVEN. Here's your

[isillote]

Anothe hug, Lovebuzz.

You seem very intense. I had a friend like that once, who was quite unsuccessful in relationships. He used to tell me it's because he was fat and ugly etc. I told him many times that it wasn't that. It was his air of desperation, that he felt the only thing that would make his life worth living was to find the right person (the right person being whoever he was currently in love with). For a time that person was me, he thought. He was a wonderful man, but I kept telling him that until he learnt to be happy with himself, and to have interests, he was always going to come across as desperate, which was a real turn-off.

He finally took the advice, had counselling, and started going out, night classes, social occasions etc. Now he has no problem attracting women, although he no longer feels he needs them to make his life worthwhile.

I was paralytically shy when I was younger. I know how destructive it can be. By all means PM me if you wish, but I would say you need to find a variety of interests, so this man isn't everything to you. And yes, don't have sex if you don't want to, no matter what. The right person won't try to coerce you into anything, although they may have trouble understanding what asexuality is.

Good luck.

[cijay]

they have the sex because they think it will fill a void and anyway, most people don't really know they don't like the sex until they try it.

I agree with this one. Many asexuals figure that they may have to try it to like it. Other times it IS a matter of giving in so that the other person won't dump them. There are tons of reasons.

It's like eating haggis LOL.

Some people love it

Some people think they know what it is and won't touch it.

Some people find out what it is and try it and it's not so bad.

Some people aren't going to touch it, regardless what it is.

Some people try it, don't like it but don't care if others eat it

Some people don't try it, don't know if they like it or not, just leave it on the table for others to eat. (this is how I am with sex, not with haggis)

Some people don't want to be in the same room as it.

But I would say the vast majority who claim they 'don't like it' won't learn what it is/try it.

[roddy9uk]

It's like eating haggis LOL.

Some people love it

Speaking as someone who HAS eaten fresh-caught haggis..I can only say...

It is disgusting...

Speaking as one who has had sexual relations..I can only say it wasn't what it was cracked up to be. Too much hard work for too little result.

roddy

[isillote]

I can agree with you about the sex side of thinkgs, Roddy, but haggis.....

Mmm! Mouth waters at the thought....

[KAGU143]

Um ... now I have a burning question:

How can haggis be fresh-caught?

*pictures a meat casserole-stuffed row of stomachs swimming around in formation in Loch Ness*

:shock:

The Loch Ness monster -- identified at last!!

[roddy9uk]

Um ... now I have a burning question:

How can haggis be fresh-caught?

!!

With difficulty..and not a little danger..but they can be lured by the sound of the bagpipes (which they mistake as a mating call).

http://www.newworldcelts.org/haggis_hunt.htm

roddy

[cijay]

It's like eating haggis LOL.

Some people love it

Speaking as someone who HAS eaten fresh-caught haggis..I can only say...

It is disgusting...

roddy

Depends where it's caught. The best haggis is caught on Stony Mollen just outside of Balloch, Scotland.

I can only say it wasn't what it was cracked up to be. Too much hard work for too little result.

roddy

You can say this about the haggis, too can't you, Roddy? :lol:

By the way, I think the poster in the attachment is wrong. It depects a mother and her sprogs. I don't think you can kill the females or the sprogs, no?

[Tanwen]

Haggis are occasionally caught with the kippers, as they may join the shoal on a temporary basis for company.

Speaking as (another) asexual who has been married and had two children, I took part becasue it was 'expected' in a way (sounds really lame when I read that back, but can't think of a better way of putting it), I also wanted children so I suppose that instinct was stronger than my aversion.

But it certainly is an overrated past time and I'd prefer to watch an episode of 'The Professionals' (far more interesting and exciting). I just couldn't understand why he should want to make sure I enjoyed it, I just wanted it over with so I could roll over and go to sleep.

I accept the fact that some of our number never have nor ever wanted sex, you may find it difficult to understand why some of us have - but that is just the way things are. It doesn't make us any 'less' asexual; just different - and differences make life fun.

[cijay]

Oh, these are Floridan haggis anyway, could be totally different.

[roddy9uk]

[by the way, I think the poster in the attachment is wrong. It depects a mother and her sprogs. I don't think you can kill the females or the sprogs, no?

Certainly grossly unsporting if not in fact illegal.

[violeteyedsoul]

so i'm not new to this forum even though i just signed up today, i've been reading what you guys have to say about asexiness and i can relate. it's tearing my heart out.

i'm in my mid thirties. it's been 15 years since i had a boyfriend (my one and only adult one and it lasted all of 6 weeks - no sex), 10 years since i have so much as kissed a guy but i have had sexual partners. 3 one night flings, a friend who i slept with for fun a few times and an off and on 4 year long affair with a married man.

i fall madly in love with guys all the time. sometimes it leaves me so confused, i don't know how to deal with the feelings. you could call it a crush or whatever but for me it's love and it doesn't go away as easily as a crush might.

the feelings i get aren't of a sexual nature, i've never liked it nor understood why people can get so addicted to sex. it does nothing for me but leave me with feelings of guilt and a disappointment because of my lack of enjoyment. imagine being asked why you look so sad just after you've slept with a guy.

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about.

The guys I've been with have said DEAD STAMP what you said here.

the unfortunate thing is that I NEVER wanted to do it with them NOR How we did it.

And I NEVER got ANY enjoyment out of it. NOR wanted to do it.

And it pushed me further away fro them, making me despise them.

So in This regard I'm not like you.

But I understand.

I've been wanting and searching for LOVE, COMPASSION, CARING, and ATTENTION for Y E A R S now. (Well Over a Decade.) And all I ever get are guys, ( not even women) who only want sex, and coherse me into doing it with them.

Then, suddenly DUMP me after they pull off what they wanted.

I myself, am CHRONICALLY SHY.

And the FEW times I have ventured past my front door, and started talking to people, I've ALWAYS gotten well, Destroyed.

And this has happened from people I've met at school and church. The only 2 places I've EVER gone my ENTIRE LIFE.

I have to admit. Now because of this, I'm having to buckle down, and make sure I DON'T leave my house EVER again. It's the LAST thing that I want. And I'm kinda scraping at the walls to get out.

But it NEEDS to be done.

Sadly.

in my current situation i've been in love with this beautiful spirit for almost a year. we work together. i'm intensely shy and antisocial so i also avoid most interaction with him unless i'm in a playful mood (or have drunk too much coffee). every one around knows i like him and we get along perfectly 99% of the time. he's brought me out of my shell a hell of a lot more than anyone else has managed to do in the past year.

my heart is breaking because i love him so much but i'm afraid. in the past if i'd liked guys this much i avoided them totally, even leaving my job to get away from the pain and confusion but this time around i'm surrounded by people i can trust and look up to. i don't know if i want to admit to anyone my predicament, but i desperately need to do something or i'm going to end up running away from it all again.

i'd be happy having him as a friend but i'm quite sure i'd get jealous and act irrationally if he met another girl who was more interactive and sociable.

:oops:

what to do?

If you think you might be in love with him. Why don't you try asking him to hang out with you after work sometime.

Preferably with a larger group of friends?

Tell the other people that you know that you'd like to hang out with him, but want to do it in a safe group setting. And ask them if they'd help you like hook up with him.

I'm sure there are people who'd be more than willing to help you.

Let me know if any of these things are options for you, &/or if it helps at all.

ALSO,

i'd be happy having him as a friend but i'm quite sure i'd get jealous and act irrationally if he met another girl who was more interactive and sociable.

Hmmm. Well, sounds to me like you've already kind of claimed him as your own.

Though, being like a hermit myself, I know what it's like just to have friends and people you know talking to someone else.

For me it IGNITES RABID JEALOUSY!

[violeteyedsoul]

they have the sex because they think it will fill a void and anyway, most people don't really know they don't like the sex until they try it.

it takes time for some people to realise they just don't like sex. i don't despise sex, it just doesn't interest me or turn me on in a physical way. it's the closeness and intimacy, the bonding and friendship i need. i could live forever with no sex or make compromises so long as he understood i wasn't into it and didn't feel the need to express myself sexually. i'd do anything so long as he didn't expect a flood of emotion and passion in the bedroom.

I just have to say, I know EXACTLY what you're talking about.

(You've possibly found a kindred spirit. )

I'm the EXACT, Dead Stamp, same way.

i've never had to tell someone i'm not into sex...can people just guess? if someone is so obviously not into sex, dating, etc...wouldn't most people assume i was queer or damaged in some way?

EXACTLY!

I found out the HARD way, that people will actually HURT you to try and get you to be "Straight" or whatever.

So I've learned you CAN'T tell ANYONE what you're sexual preferences are. Unless you want to be hurt by them.

Though, at the same time I wish I could tell EVERYONE so the kind of people I WANT coming to hang around me would come, and everyone else would leave me alone.

[Sally]

I've just recently figured out how to post and have been doing so on several forums (fora?) for about a week.

After all the discussion about haggis, which I now can't get out of my mind because I actually saw someone eating it once, I think I'd like some CAKE to take my mind off the haggis. I'd give myself some but I haven't figured out the icons or emoticons or whatever they are yet.

Can someone send me some cake? It's amazing how good those tiny little pieces look -- I figure they have coconut frosting on them.

[Hammerhead]

Here ya go Sally:

To post cakes click on 'View more Emoticons' which is on the left and it'll pop up another window with cake as one of them.

Or enter ': cake :' minus the spaces between the colons and the word cake.

[Sally]

Thank you, Hammerhead.

This is a "cake" test:

So, if it worked, cake to everyone!

[isillote]

Oh, well done, Sally! You're now a fully-fledged Avenite!! Have some

[Sally]

Thanks!

:cake:

Wheeeeeeee!

OK, I'd better to have a carrot to balance all that cake.

[Tool1989]

In short, telling him is what you wan tto do, but you are afraid of losuing him if he doesn't like you. Is that right? If it is, then you might want to get to know him and if you do, maybe you should consider the pros and cons of asking him out.

[cdraines1959]

i don't think we have "haggis" or whatever in the south.

[cdraines1959]

did it work?

[cdraines1959]

damn boys, i baked my first cake !!!!!!!!!!!!!

[isillote]

Wow! Maybe we should start a thread!

[violeteyedsoul]

Wow! Maybe we should start a thread!

WOOT!

:-D

That sounds like a good idea!

:-D

:aven:

P.S. Thanks to whomever, for saying about the "View More Emoticons" thing, I never even noticed.

lol!

:-D

[Sally]

Violet: What does the "Diplomacy" photo on your posting depict? My eyes are old and I can't tell what one person is doing to the other, even though I squint hard. :shock:

[cijay]

i don't think we have "haggis" or whatever in the south.

You actually do. Almost anyway. You know when you have stuffing at Thanksgiving with your turkey? Well, take that and add some meats (or don't, it's not important and it's up to you what you use. Some use kidney and liver, others just use ground meats, others don't use any meat, the most important thing is the spices.) Traditionally it was cooked in the sheep's stomach (because they didn't have crockpots) but you didn't eat that part, you threw it away. This is why people will tell you that haggis is a sheep's stomach. It's kinda' like everyone'll tell you that sushi is raw fish. It's not but you can't convince anyone of it.

So, yeah, poultry stuffing is about as close as you're going to come to haggis without it being haggis.