Miserable tonight

[Euna]

It's been a minute since I logged into AVEN. The truth is, I started drifting away from my ace identity this past year, or at least thinking about it. I tried some ace dating, and it fizzled out the same as everything else. I have been seriously considering giving up pursuing romance altogether and leaning into any shreds of aromanticism I have.

 

But life has been rough the last couple weeks, between work troubles and family drama. I've been feeling really lonely recently. I still want someone in my life, but I don't think I can bear any more years waiting and hoping to find someone compatible. I don't even know what compatible means anymore. I am starting to think I might actually be gray, but maybe it's just wishful thinking.

 

I'm sick of heartache. One of my "friends" dropped me cold turkey this spring when I wouldn't date him. And this morning, someone I barely know asked me out for a date this week. He put me on the spot in a public place. I felt so pressured and caught off guard, I agreed to it...only to email him and change my answer, hoping he replies so I don't have to call, which would just about destroy me (as if I didn't want to crawl in a hole already). I hate feeling like the bad person when I just made a mistake because I was tired and panicked. But this is how it goes.

 

I have feelings for a guy who moved to the other side of the country, and though we're still in contact, I feel insane for hoping. He is someone I find really attractive, which adds to my confusion about being gray. I don't even know if he likes me or if he's just being polite. And I've been through this so many times, it seems stupid to try for anything, but I don't want to give up either?

 

This has been an asexual musing and ranting, thank you for listening... 😔

 

[Mishmash]

You aren't a bad person. Have an owl.

[Mishmash]

and a cat

I hope tomorrow's better

[Euna]

thank you @Mishmash 💛 🦉 🐱

[Geekykitty]

On 9/26/2022 at 3:08 PM, Euna said:

I have been seriously considering giving up pursuing romance altogether and leaning into any shreds of aromanticism I have.

Yes I feel the same and have given up on finding a partner. Its not just because I'm asexual, I just really struggle in certain social situations - I find it very difficult to connect with people. Even if I find someone good looking or that I like, my social anxiety or whatever it is makes me unable to form any meaningful connection. Also I have a skin condition so figure I'm too ugly for anyone to like anyway 😫 I get so annoyed at myself for my inadequecies. 

I think maybe you have to find ways to be happy alone. Find things in your life that give you meaning and joy. Make your life about you. There are alot of things in life to enjoy other then a relationship. You don't have to give up finding someone, if you do happen to get into a relationship then great, that would be a bonus, but don't make your happiness dependent on it.

[Euna]

On 9/27/2022 at 5:13 AM, Geekykitty said:

Yes I feel the same and have given up on finding a partner. Its not just because I'm asexual, I just really struggle in certain social situations - I find it very difficult to connect with people. Even if I find someone good looking or that I like, my social anxiety or whatever it is makes me unable to form any meaningful connection. Also I have a skin condition so figure I'm too ugly for anyone to like anyway 😫 I get so annoyed at myself for my inadequecies. 

I think maybe you have to find ways to be happy alone. Find things in your life that give you meaning and joy. Make your life about you. There are alot of things in life to enjoy other then a relationship. You don't have to give up finding someone, if you do happen to get into a relationship then great, that would be a bonus, but don't make your happiness dependent on it.

Aw, please don't get annoyed with yourself. You cannot help things outside your control. I used to have a skin condition (still do, but it is better now)... I know how you feel. 😧

 

Yeah, I've been trying to focus on myself. Anytime I keep a bit of hope though, I can't help but have expectations, especially when I meet someone I'm attracted to. Then comes the fear of, "am I doing enough to try?" But after three years of active trying, maybe it is time to try less. 

 

Thanks for your comment. 💛