Attraction from allos

[Eutierria]

Looking for feedback/advice from aces (late-30s+ and/or those who are younger with more experience).

 

After choosing to be single for a few years to focus on career, slowly joined dating apps & realised I'm incapable of having romantic feelings for people I don't know which means apps don't work for me. Deactivated apps & decided that I'm fine being single but would be nice if the right person came along. 

 

This is the bit where it's giving me a headache - allo friends are now showing interest & it scares me. It makes me panic because I don't want any more than platonic friendship with them. One has been messaging me & asking me questions to test if I could be interested in them & I've been able to dodge so far. Another friend is starting to consistently invite me out to stuff which I know they've matched it to what I like & I'm starting to feel suffocated by them & I feel horrible because I know they're being thoughtful. I am simultaneously flattered & saddened that I won't be able to reciprocate. 

 

I feel like when I was actively looking, I couldn't find anyone who matched my essentials. Now that I'm feeling happy & free being single & living my life however I want, it seems to be attracting people when I'm not trying / wanting to. 

 

Think I would love to meet an ace guy who is also compatible long-term but realistically might not happen.

 

Side ramble: More recently I've considered friendships may last longer than relationships, if I like someone enough that I want them in my life forever, I might want to keep them as a friend in case a potential relationship trial would mess up the friendship. 

 

Has anyone else gone through this or going through this ? How did/do you navigate this space ? 

[Philip027]

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After choosing to be single for a few years to focus on career, slowly joined dating apps & realised I'm incapable of having romantic feelings for people I don't know which means apps don't work for me. Deactivated apps & decided that I'm fine being single but would be nice if the right person came along. 

Sounds like a pretty typical demiromantic experience to me.  I'm like that almost to a T, except I already knew dating apps weren't for me and I skipped that "step" entirely.

 

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I am simultaneously flattered & saddened that I won't be able to reciprocate. 

Oh good, another opportunity for me to post this video!

 

Anyway, I get that some degree of guilt is pretty normal to feel, but remember that you aren't responsible for someone else's happiness.

 

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Side ramble: More recently I've considered friendships may last longer than relationships, if I like someone enough that I want them in my life forever, I might want to keep them as a friend in case a potential relationship trial would mess up the friendship. 

I don't think either is necessarily more or less likely to "last" than the other.  Friends are not immune to growing apart.  Experienced this firsthand, as will many people sooner or later.

[Eutierria]

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

Sounds like a pretty typical demiromantic experience to me.  I'm like that almost to a T, except I already knew dating apps weren't for me and I skipped that "step" entirely.

50% of me wish I was as efficient as you & 50% of me likes that I can now speak from experience. 

 

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

you aren't responsible for someone else's happiness.

Thank you - I struggle with this. 

 

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

Friends are not immune to growing apart. 

True...don't know why I hadn't considered that. 

 

Thanks for the video! 

[AspieAlly613]

2 hours ago, Eutierria said:

It makes me panic because I don't want any more than platonic friendship with them.

I definitely sympathize with you there.  It's gotten to the point where I realized that I don't particularly mind when random gay men try to flirt with me, eventually they'll realize that I'm not gay and nobody gets offended.  It's when random het women start flirting with me that I have to worry about things getting awkward.