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my boyfriend thinks he is aro. and i really don't know what or how to deal with it.


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I have been dating this guy; our relationship is mostly over text. I see him twice a week during classes.
So I'd been talking to this guy for 2 years and well, we really hit it off earlier this year and I started having feelings for him back in June. Initially he rejected me saying that there's some personal stuff he's got to deal with before getting into any sort of relationship as such. Although I'd intended on giving up, I sorta dragged my feelings along for like 4 more months and whenever I'd subtly bring it up he'd always put forward a kind of "it's not you it's me" facade. I say facade because that's what I used to feel back then; I thought it was just him being polite. But anyway, fast forward 4 months, he says that he really wants to reciprocate and then eventually we start this sort of unlabelled, romantic, more than friends, kind of relationship. It was fun and I loved talking to him and it felt really special. Couple weeks later I sort of got a bit agitated about the labelling thing but I don't think I really forced him into it. It was mutual and we became boyfriend and girlfriend.
Point to be noted here, this dude hasn't really been very actively social for a while, it's cuz his friends' group is kinda scattered these days and there isn't anybody else he's been talking to for a good while. To an extent, I felt like maybe that sort of desperation coerced him into accepting me but then, over all the times we've spoken about this, I've come to the conclusion that he's really felt like coming out of his shell for me because he likes me. In fact, he loves me and cares for me a lot. And I do too. And everything had been going fine. Except, occasionally this problem would arise where he'd say that I'm not opening up to him enough and that it makes him want to relapse into his stasis of feeling like being alone. And he doesn't wanna do that because he likes trying his hardest for me and he wants to be with me for as long as he can. And so I did open up. As much as I have never done before. And I was happy and I thought he was too. 
Until now, I realised he started talking to me the way he used to before we were dating and he's telling me that he feels like that romantic feeling is fading slowly. He still loves and cares for me but the romantic side is becoming too hard for him to hold up. However apparently, when he did talk to me romantically it wasn't really burdensome and he liked it too (liked, not likes) And these couple days he's feeling like his time has come to recede back into where he was. He says that he still does feel for me but he might not in some time; "...like I know the carnival is still going but I also know it's my cue to leave." he repeats that it isn't about me, because he genuinely hasn't felt what he's felt for me about anyone before but it's this sort of inherent thing he's felt forever; as if romance was never his thing. He feels like he might be aro.
Now, I keep arguing that he can't be aro because he wouldn't try that hard for me if he was, but then one could also say that why would he need to try that hard if he wasn't aro?  I know that being aro doesn't really change him as a person and I do still love him loads as a person; however, I don't know how to still be in a relationship with him if I can't have the romantic aspect with him.. I want to accept him as he is but I really really have very strong romantic feelings for him and I don't want them to go away from his side. 

If my boyfriend does turn out to be aro, how do I deal with it and should I keep pursuing a relationship with him considering that I do have immense romantic feelings for him?

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I think you just need to take some time and figure out what you want. Everyone is a slightly different person and Everyone has qualities that are great for you and not so great for you. You need to decide which qualities are must haves and which ones you can accept. No matter which gender, orientation, or love language the person has, everyone does relationships different. I’m sorry if that’s not very helpful 😊

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GoodVibesMostly

From what I understand, the question here isn’t whether or not he’s aro. He might be or he might not, but the important question is: Does he want to be in a relationship with you? Because emotional intimacy doesn’t necessitate romantic feelings. If you are opening up to him and his reaction is to pull back and resort to small talk, that might be a sign he‘s not interested in or not ready for a relationship. It seems that first and foremost, he has to decide for himself what he wants.
 

And please remember that you deserve someone who is open with you about that. Him being hot and cold and hot and cold isn’t fair to you. If he needs to figure out his romantic orientation, that’s totally valid. At the same time, he should tell you if he needs to not be in a relationship to do that. 
 

As to your question: Personally, I don’t believe the nature of his and your feelings don’t matter, as long as you’re on the same page of what you want your relationship to be and as long as you genuinely care for each other. That also means that emotional vulnerability should come from both sides. But I also know that some romantic people struggle with accepting the different nature of their aromantic partner‘s affection. It ultimately depends on what you need in a relationship to be happy. 

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Blue eyes white dragon

If you arent getting the type of love you need and it's making you upset, communicate that and decide if you want to continue from there. Don't settle. Also it might be helpful to consider that limerance itself doesn't last and isnt necessarily love 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm on the aromantic spectrum and I can still fall in love (it's just really hard to happen), so maybe he is one like that, the thing is your needs are being reached? If the answer is yes, I think you shouldn't worry about that 

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