Another "My partner is asexual, I am not, I need advice." post

[Cman311]

I have been scrolling through this website trying to figure out what I should do, but I feel like nothing is quite matching up with my situation and I just want some outside advice from people who are entirely neutral to my situation.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for over 5 years at this point. I love her deeply and she is my best friend.  All that said, she came out as asexual around 2 years ago after doing some of her own research into why she didn't have any desire to have sex.  Like a lot of threads I have found on this website and on Reddit, she will occasionally have sex with me, but it has turned in to a "once very 3 or 4 months" type of a thing, and even when we have sex I can't ever fully get into it because all I can think about is that she could live without something that is so integral to a relationship for me. I am constantly thinking "is this pleasing to her? am I attractive to her? Does she love me?" and it completely ruins the experience.  I do believe that touch is one of my strongest love languages, and I love intimate touch that isn't necessarily sexual, and even that is few and far between. I have read about some people finding success in an open relationship, but I worry about her not being okay with that in the long run, and I worry about the sustainability of that over time. I think I could enjoy sex with other people, and it might help curb some of the lack of intimacy that is plaguing me, but I also crave that intimate connection with someone I love. I am a straight-CIS-white man, and while I consider myself a fierce ally of the LGBTQIA+ community, the idea of asexuality in my own relationship has been difficult to grasp. If my partner came out to me as gay then I would of course support and love her, but I think the solution  to our relationship would be more black and white compared to her coming out as asexual. (sorry if this is coming across ignorant, I am trying my best.)

 

This morning she brought up marriage (again,) and was talking about how she can't stop wondering why I haven't proposed yet. I told her that while some of my reasoning probably stems from some commitment issues, a lot of it has boiled down to our lack of intimacy. I explained to her that I love her and do not want her to feel bad for her own sexuality, but I also told her that I feel like my needs aren't being met. I reiterated to her how integral intimacy is to me in a relationship, and that it isn't even just sex, but our lack of intimate touch in general. Needless to say this upset her greatly and now I am an anxious mess.  She feels inadequate because of all of this, and I feel like I am sexually undesirable and my needs aren't being met. I don't know what to do, and don't expect someone on here to hand me a golden ticket, but I really just want some outside input. Thanks in advance.

 

EDIT: I also feel really guilty for not realizing the validity of her sexuality at first and not fully understanding the weight behind her words and feelings.

Edited September 24, 2022 by Cman311
I just wanted to clarify some of my feelings a little more

[RileyA]

I think you're being sensible. From what you say, an open relationship will just lead to you realizing you want that kind of thing in all your relationships and you'll end up leaving her for someone more compatible. That will be much worse IMO than amicably separating now. It's not fair on either of you.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

If it's important to you then maybe it's a sexual incompatibility.

Lots of asexual folk don't understand how sexual intimacy could be important, because they don't feel it.

[EmeraldIce]

31 minutes ago, Cman311 said:

I do believe that touch is one of my strongest love languages, and I love intimate touch that isn't necessarily sexual, and even that is few and far between.

I just wanted to point out that there are a lot of asexuals who otherwise enjoy the intimacy of touch who are nevertheless afraid to indulge in such behavior for fear that it would lead to their partner wanting or expecting more. I'm not saying that this is the case for your girlfriend, but it is something to keep in mind in case it does enter into the equation, and if it does, sometimes all she needs to be more affective in touch is to trust that touching and cuddling won't lead to you wanting or trying to initiate sex. It can take effort and repeated reassurance and actions to back it up, but it's not necessarily out of reach.

 

This being said, it honestly sounds like your girlfriend has some communication issues, where she's unwilling to hear your side and your suggestions without seeing it as a personal attack on her. And that's a problem. She needs to get past this if you guys want to go anywhere with this relationship.

[Cman311]

4 minutes ago, EmeraldIce said:

I just wanted to point out that there are a lot of asexuals who otherwise enjoy the intimacy of touch who are nevertheless afraid to indulge in such behavior for fear that it would lead to their partner wanting or expecting more. I'm not saying that this is the case for your girlfriend, but this is something to keep in mind in case it does enter into the equation, and if it does, sometimes all she needs to be more affective in touch is to trust that it won't lead to you wanting or trying to initiate sex. And sometimes it can take a lot of effort and repeated reassurance and action.

 

This being said, it honestly sounds like your girlfriend has some communication issues, where she's unwilling to hear your side and your suggestions without seeing it as a personal attack on her. And that's a problem. She needs to get past this if you guys want to go anywhere with this relationship.

Thank you for this.

[Cman311]

23 minutes ago, RileyA said:

I think you're being sensible. From what you say, an open relationship will just lead to you realizing you want that kind of thing in all your relationships and you'll end up leaving her for someone more compatible. That will be much worse IMO than amicably separating now. It's not fair on either of you.

I was fearful of this being the outcome, but I really appreciate your input.

[Sally]

6 minutes ago, EmeraldIce said:

This being said, it honestly sounds like your girlfriend has some communication issues, where she's unwilling to hear your side and your suggestions without seeing it as a personal attack on her. And that's a problem. She needs to get past this if you guys want to go anywhere with this relationship.

I didn't read OP's post to mean that his girlfriend has communication issues.  She has heard his "side", and he has heard hers.  What may have caused her to feel very upset is that it was explained as his needs not being met and that might have sounded to her as though she was being blamed.  The truth is that neither of their needs are being met.  He wants her to enjoy sex because he does, and she wants to live without sex because she simply does not want or enjoy it.  Neither of them can really change their feelings, so either of them "getting past this" is not going to happen.  

[LeChat]

@Cman311 (Below is an official, green, mod message.)

 

Hi. Welcome! 

 

I'm just letting you know I've moved your thread from "Asexual Relationships" to the "For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies" forum.

 

If it helps, the former is, generally, for asexuals to post about their relationships, and the latter is for partners of asexuals.

 

LeChat,

Welcome Lounge, Announcements, and Alternate Language moderator

[EmeraldIce]

1 hour ago, Sally said:

I didn't read OP's post to mean that his girlfriend has communication issues.  She has heard his "side", and he has heard hers.  What may have caused her to feel very upset is that it was explained as his needs not being met and that might have sounded to her as though she was being blamed.  The truth is that neither of their needs are being met.  He wants her to enjoy sex because he does, and she wants to live without sex because she simply does not want or enjoy it.  Neither of them can really change their feelings, so either of them "getting past this" is not going to happen.  

"Getting past this" as in being able to talk to each other in a civil manner and lay out potential solutions and outcomes and pros and cons without blaming each other or blaming themselves, and without feeling like the other is blaming them. I never said they were going to get past their sexuality, but it doesn't sound like they're having a very productive conversation right now because it sounds like the girlfriend always feels like OP is blaming her and OP keeps trying to tiptoe around talking openly.

[Cman311]

1 hour ago, EmeraldIce said:

"Getting past this" as in being able to talk to each other in a civil manner and lay out potential solutions and outcomes and pros and cons without blaming each other or blaming themselves, and without feeling like the other is blaming them. I never said they were going to get past their sexuality, but it doesn't sound like they're having a very productive conversation right now because it sounds like the girlfriend always feels like OP is blaming her and OP keeps trying to tiptoe around talking openly.

Yeah, this pretty much nails it.

[Windmills of My Mind]

Sounds like the first thing that would need to happen, regardless of the direction both of you would be taking and where each would ideally like to end up, is to improve your communication on this subject. It makes perfect sense to postpone any decisions about marriage until both of you are able to talk openly and without blame nor feeling blamed. Until then this will be a dark cloud hanging over your relationship. Making far reaching mental and legal commitments at this point is in my opinion not a wise thing to do.

 

Denying that there is an issue will not help the two of you. Neither will tiptoeing around the obviously sensitive subject. Fair, open, honest and respectful conversations are to be had, with open minds from both sides. Are you (take that singular or plural 🙃) familiar with the concept of Non Violent Communication? I still find it hard to stick to but it has helped me and my partner immensely. It can make all the difference.

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Cman311 said:

This morning she brought up marriage (again,) and was talking about how she can't stop wondering why I haven't proposed yet. I told her that while some of my reasoning probably stems from some commitment issues, a lot of it has boiled down to our lack of intimacy. I explained to her that I love her and do not want her to feel bad for her own sexuality, but I also told her that I feel like my needs aren't being met. I reiterated to her how integral intimacy is to me in a relationship, and that it isn't even just sex, but our lack of intimate touch in general. Needless to say this upset her greatly and now I am an anxious mess.  She feels inadequate because of all of this, and I feel like I am sexually undesirable and my needs aren't being met. I don't know what to do, and don't expect someone on here to hand me a golden ticket, but I really just want some outside input. Thanks in advance.

There really isn't a solution beyond going your separate ways romantically but remaining as friends. I know how blunt that sounds, but look at it this way:

 

Either you suffer in celibacy for the rest of your life, knowing an open relationship will just remind you of everything you are missing with her

 

or

 

She somehow bites the bullet to keep you and grits her teeth while you have sex with her once a week or whatever while knowing she doesn't desire or enjoy it (which won't feel intimate at all and will probably make you feel even LESS satisfied as it'll remind you that what you actually want is for her to desire the sex as much as you do. It's not the mere action of sex, it's the mutually desired intimacy that you actually desire)

 

... so looking at it like that, then separation really is a much more positive option because it will save you both a lot of suffering down the line, and you could both remain as friends so you keep that important aspect of your relationship but go your separate ways intimately.

 

This may upset her but it's not fair on either of you to continue further into this relationship with your unhappiness and her probably having the constant weight of knowing you want more intimacy but being unwilling to give it (she possibly worries that any type of intimacy will lead you to wanting sex - that's something that many aces here discover after they leave their sexual partners: their body stopped wanting any form of intimacy due to the possibility of intimacy leading to sex but it's often subconscious and they didn't even notice it was happening at the time)

 

Sorry if this isn't the advice you're looking for, but when it comes to sexual incompatibility, unless you can be totally content with celibacy (you have said you cannot) or she can find a way to desire sexual intimacy with you (which she cannot) then the only real answer is to go your separate ways romantically :c

[MayaXD]

5 hours ago, Cman311 said:

I don't know what to do, and don't expect someone on here to hand me a golden ticket, but I really just want some outside input.

You don't need to stress about if she loves you or not, I'm sure she does, and even if some asexuals don't show it through intimate touch we have other ways.

This is really important you should think about it well before doing something, it's really good that you came here for advice.

I don't see a lot of choices for your situation. You can either:

- Suffer in your current situation from lack of sex and intimate touch, which can lead you to try and find it from other people.

- Ask her if your relationship can be open because you love her and still want both of your needs met.

- Ask her if you can have sex more, which may satisfy your sexual needs but she won't really desire it and it will make you think about it all the time.

 

Your relationship can't really continue that way, and it shouldn't. It is not healthy.

In my opinion, since you are looking for something to do about it and don't want to sit in silence, you should talk to her about it.

[Windmills of My Mind]

31 minutes ago, Major West said:

She somehow bites the bullet to keep you and grits her teeth while you have sex with her once a week or whatever while knowing she doesn't desire or enjoy it (which won't feel intimate at all and will probably make you feel even LESS satisfied as it'll remind you that what you actually want is for her to desire the sex as much as you do. It's not the mere action of sex, it's the mutually desired intimacy that you actually desire)

This. Is. Paramount.

 

Sorry for underlining in such a childish way. I have always known the bit that Major West states so well and explicitly here, but I knew it in a subconscious way. And I assumed everyone saw the world the same way, I assumed it was totally obvious. You know what they always say about assumption 😄 . Only when I came to see this exact aspect much sharper and then articulate it, did it become clearer to my partner what exactly it was that I desired and missed so much. For sexuals it is so much more than a mere physical act between two people - it does not go without the physical aspect, but it is a much richer and deeper experience than two bodies meeting for some short amount of time, releasing some noises and fluids, then going their separate ways again.

 

See if you can bring this message across. Before you do so, you may want to start by reading up on non-violent communication, if that is a new concept for you. Communication between humans is not just about passing some facts and views to the other. The way in which you do this makes all the difference.

[RileyA]

7 hours ago, EmeraldIce said:

and if it does, sometimes all she needs to be more affective in touch is to trust that touching and cuddling won't lead to you wanting or trying to initiate sex.

I think on this, it has to be more nuanced. Neither of you can control your feelings. You can control your actions. For that reason, I wouldn't assure her that affection won't lead to you desiring sex. It can certainly mean you do not intiate it 

[Cman311]

5 hours ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

Sounds like the first thing that would need to happen, regardless of the direction both of you would be taking and where each would ideally like to end up, is to improve your communication on this subject. It makes perfect sense to postpone any decisions about marriage until both of you are able to talk openly and without blame nor feeling blamed. Until then this will be a dark cloud hanging over your relationship. Making far reaching mental and legal commitments at this point is in my opinion not a wise thing to do.

 

Denying that there is an issue will not help the two of you. Neither will tiptoeing around the obviously sensitive subject. Fair, open, honest and respectful conversations are to be had, with open minds from both sides. Are you (take that singular or plural 🙃) familiar with the concept of Non Violent Communication? I still find it hard to stick to but it has helped me and my partner immensely. It can make all the difference.

I am not familiar with non-violent conversation, I will look into it right now.

[Cman311]

5 hours ago, Major West said:

There really isn't a solution beyond going your separate ways romantically but remaining as friends. I know how blunt that sounds, but look at it this way:

 

Either you suffer in celibacy for the rest of your life, knowing an open relationship will just remind you of everything you are missing with her

 

or

 

She somehow bites the bullet to keep you and grits her teeth while you have sex with her once a week or whatever while knowing she doesn't desire or enjoy it (which won't feel intimate at all and will probably make you feel even LESS satisfied as it'll remind you that what you actually want is for her to desire the sex as much as you do. It's not the mere action of sex, it's the mutually desired intimacy that you actually desire)

 

... so looking at it like that, then separation really is a much more positive option because it will save you both a lot of suffering down the line, and you could both remain as friends so you keep that important aspect of your relationship but go your separate ways intimately.

 

This may upset her but it's not fair on either of you to continue further into this relationship with your unhappiness and her probably having the constant weight of knowing you want more intimacy but being unwilling to give it (she possibly worries that any type of intimacy will lead you to wanting sex - that's something that many aces here discover after they leave their sexual partners: their body stopped wanting any form of intimacy due to the possibility of intimacy leading to sex but it's often subconscious and they didn't even notice it was happening at the time)

 

Sorry if this isn't the advice you're looking for, but when it comes to sexual incompatibility, unless you can be totally content with celibacy (you have said you cannot) or she can find a way to desire sexual intimacy with you (which she cannot) then the only real answer is to go your separate ways romantically :c

This was very difficult tor read, but I appreciate your advice immensely. Thank you. 

[nanogretchen4]

It seems strange to me that your girlfriend says she can't help wondering why you haven't proposed to her yet and then gets very upset when you state the obvious. Mixed orientation marriages are not the best life choice for most people. Sexual compatibility is important in a marriage. 

 

It's not a good sign if your girlfriend is so emotionally fragile you are afraid to tell her how you feel or what you want. Also, it seems manipulative and entitled to repeatedly hint around that you should propose to her. I think if you marry her there will be other relationship dynamic problems on top of the incompatible sexual orientations and love languages.

[anisotrophic]

I’m baffled at the whole “why haven’t you proposed” thing. (Maybe it’s a tangent.) Is this a passive aggressive way to ask someone if they will marry you? I guess in a heteronormative context, if a guy asks and the gal doesn’t really answer and goes “ummmmm” it’s kind of a “no”… isn’t it?

 

You’ve effectively been asked, you’re effectively going “ummmm”. You (finally) said why, you spoke your concerns.

 

A reaction of feeling inadequate is very understandable when receiving a rejection. And it’s inappropriate for this reaction to pressure the other person into pushing their own needs aside. (Would anyone want to live the rest of their life feeling like they’ve  “guilted” someone into marrying them?) It sounds like you’re doing your best to be kind but firm, and you can only apologize for not having expressed the unhappiness sooner — and maybe it was something you were understandably not fully aware of (due to the guilt of disappointing someone) until confronted with the indirect proposal.

[RileyA]

3 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I’m baffled at the whole “why haven’t you proposed” thing. (Maybe it’s a tangent.) Is this a passive aggressive way to ask someone if they will marry you? 

Because she doesn't see the lack of compatibility as a reason he shouldn't commit to her for life. 

 

I know some people say that ace folks don't get the importance of sex but I don't think you need to in order to understand that you can't meet your partner's needs as things are. This what leads me to assume she doesn't care about being mutual contentment and just wants to tie someone down for her own benefit.

[anisotrophic]

7 hours ago, RileyA said:

Because she doesn't see the lack of compatibility as a reason he shouldn't commit to her for life. 

I’m sorry I think you missed my point that, regardless of the issue behind a “rejection”, the “why haven’t you proposed yet” format is a very gender role issue.

 

imho I’d hope men feel less entitled to avoiding the responsibility of “rejecting” (accept the burden of feeling guilty for making someone sad, don’t avoid it and drag something out out of pity or self-sacrifice) … and I’d hope women feel less entitled to “being asked” (accept they could be the one “asking” and potentially rejected, the responsibility to take rejection gracefully, less blame on another person for not asking).

[RileyA]

2 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I’m sorry I think you missed my point that, regardless of the issue behind a “rejection”, the “why haven’t you proposed yet” format is a very gender role issue.

 

imho I’d hope men feel less entitled to avoiding the responsibility of “rejecting” (accept the burden of feeling guilty for making someone sad, don’t avoid it and drag something out out of pity or self-sacrifice) … and I’d hope women feel less entitled to “being asked” (accept they could be the one “asking” and potentially rejected, the responsibility to take rejection gracefully, less blame on another person for not asking).

Yeah I understand what you're asking, but why would you think someone who thinks marriage is appropriate in the circumstances would rise above traditional gender roles? I mean, even asking about marriage now shows she's pretty steeped in them

[just.zie]

On 9/24/2022 at 6:28 AM, Major West said:

First, thank you for sharing your story OP. And thank you Major West for this insight. 
 

I am experiencing something very similar in my partnership of 3 years (we’ve lived together for 2.5 years). At  the beginning of our relationship we were physically intimate and took our time to have sex. This was new to me and I enjoyed it. I feel it was deeply healing to my connection with sex. 
 

My partner was honest when we first started dating that they have asexual tendencies. I was accepting and because we were having sex at the time, I was not concerned more than thinking it will be something we would have to talk through if it came up. We dated for about a year having sex that we enjoyed, about 5 months of that we were living together. 

Now, it’s been nearly a year and nine months since we last had sex. For awhile I was only mildly anxious but okay with the idea that it will take time to get back to some of the types of physical intimacy we had and settled with hand holding, hugs, pecks, and brief snuggles. They’ve assured me that they aren’t up to that with themselves and that they do want me sexually and that they are attracted to me. But in that time I feel like our communication has suffered and ultimately our emotional connection too. I have tried so many different ways to broach the topic. Every time, no matter how gently I bring it up, the convo goes so poorly. It feels like a non conversation. 
 

Something that troubles me deeply about it all is that the most they have initiated lingering kisses or been touchy-feely has been while they were drinking. Sober they have initiated one lingering kiss. I want to cry just thinking about thinking about how confused and joyous I felt in that kiss. I did bring up the trend and they validated that this was a huge issue and told me that it happened because their inhibitions were lower. 

 

Recently, I feel l am unable to keep separate my feelings of anxiety and insecurity about our connection generally with day to day issues that arise. I want to ask so many things but am so scared to bring it up. 
 

I think the post by Major West put it clearly for me. I think my biggest struggle in all of this, aside from the mixed signals, is that I want to be desired by them as much as I desire them. It’s not that I want sex with them, too much time has passed and too much has happened, I’m not there with them. I feel myself growing away from them and in that I fear we will not be able to find stability together again.
 

I also fear the potential of breaking up while living together especially since our lease isn’t up for 9 months. It’s not a good reason to stay together but it’s a serious logistical concern given the cost of living. Idk. Ik the answer is right in front of me but I really don’t want to face it. 

[Guest]

@Cman311 - Thank you for joining our community, though I'm sorry your relationship has worked out in a way where you feel like you needed to find a place like this. 

 

A few questions  about your relationship? 

- Do you live together? Own property together or have assets tied together in any way other than splitting bills (if you're living and renting together)? 

- Do you have children together? While I assume you don't, I'd want to make sure and clarify. 

- Mind me asking how old the both of you are? 

 

I'm asking these above questions to understand how intertwined the two of you already are. It is good that you have yet to get married, and it additional is great that she is providing you opportunities to communicate about the issues you are facing (may not seem that way, but the 'why have you not proposed question,' IS an opportunity to communicate). 

 

A long time ago I was told by someone here that it doesn't sound like the both of you are really communicating with one another. At the time, while I knew we had issues discussing certain things, it was hard for me to truly understand what that meant. 

 

If you are going to work on your communication:

 

- You said she identified as having asexual tendencies/being on the asexual spectrum, so how much has she read about asexuality? Has she read any books? Spent any time on this forum? 

 

Asking because if you are having issues communicating, it could be helpful for her to read some other peoples stories to help understand your feelings, to show her that you are trying to understand her perspective as well, and hopefully could be a springboard to discuss your own situation. 

 

Lastly for now, as I have to get back to work:

 

While I am very much a proponent of working on your communication, understanding your options, and putting yourself into the relationship (have my own thread here where you can read my saga if you like), the less 'tangled' a relationship is with the all of the trappings of life (kids, joint finances, property, etc.), the more I think folks should consider how much they 'should' be willing to truly work through.

 

I'm sure you've already read how many of us here have been in our relationships for decades, even though issues were identified a long, long time ago. The things you are feeling will not go away with time and while you do have a few other options beyond 'break up,' none of them are ideal, and they will take a helluva lot of work. 

 

Okay, I'll post more later, but keeping it less now to make sure I understand the depth of your current entanglement. 

 

On 9/24/2022 at 5:26 AM, Windmills of My Mind said:

Fair, open, honest and respectful conversations are to be had, with open minds from both sides. Are you (take that singular or plural 🙃) familiar with the concept of Non Violent Communication? I still find it hard to stick to but it has helped me and my partner immensely. It can make all the difference.

@Windmills of My Mind - I'm like getting emotional reading your posts man  Been away from the boards for a week and a half, need to catchup, and do my own updates. Hoping while I do, there are some updates to your journey along the way!

[Mountain House]

46 minutes ago, HiddenKS said:

the less 'tangled' a relationship is with the all of the trappings of life (kids, joint finances, property, etc.), the more I think I think folks should consider how much they 'should' be willing to truly work through.

I think people should work through this despite the level of entanglement and the trappings of life. I see no reason people should not seek to live their best life.

 

Kids flourish in happy homes.

Finances can be split.

Property can be co-owned or sold and the proceeds split.

 

We are trapped only by our own unwillingness to face our situation and make changes for our betterment. Marriage is a contract. All relationships end. If you choose to stay in a relationship that has an incompatibility, own the choice. Choose it for the reasons you want to stay in the relationship, not for the reasons you believe you must stay.

[Windmills of My Mind]

2 hours ago, HiddenKS said:

@Windmills of My Mind - I'm like getting emotional reading your posts man  Been away from the boards for a week and a half, need to catchup, and do my own updates. Hoping while I do, there are some updates to your journey along the way!

I will happily take that as a compliment 🙂

 

Yep, looking forward to hear your updates. After being stuck for years, things now appear to move at warp speed for you. Keep us posted.

 

Things are in motion for me as well. We are finally getting help as a couple now. I'm still in the middle of it with all the confusion and uncertainties that come with it. No clear direction as of yet and I really do not know at this point where we are heading.

 

[Guest]

On 9/24/2022 at 7:27 AM, Cman311 said:

I have been scrolling through this website trying to figure out what I should do, but I feel like nothing is quite matching up with my situation and I just want some outside advice from people who are entirely neutral to my situation.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for over 5 years at this point. I love her deeply and she is my best friend.  All that said, she came out as asexual around 2 years ago after doing some of her own research into why she didn't have any desire to have sex.  Like a lot of threads I have found on this website and on Reddit, she will occasionally have sex with me, but it has turned in to a "once very 3 or 4 months" type of a thing, and even when we have sex I can't ever fully get into it because all I can think about is that she could live without something that is so integral to a relationship for me. I am constantly thinking "is this pleasing to her? am I attractive to her? Does she love me?" and it completely ruins the experience.  I do believe that touch is one of my strongest love languages, and I love intimate touch that isn't necessarily sexual, and even that is few and far between. I have read about some people finding success in an open relationship, but I worry about her not being okay with that in the long run, and I worry about the sustainability of that over time. I think I could enjoy sex with other people, and it might help curb some of the lack of intimacy that is plaguing me, but I also crave that intimate connection with someone I love. I am a straight-CIS-white man, and while I consider myself a fierce ally of the LGBTQIA+ community, the idea of asexuality in my own relationship has been difficult to grasp. If my partner came out to me as gay then I would of course support and love her, but I think the solution  to our relationship would be more black and white compared to her coming out as asexual. (sorry if this is coming across ignorant, I am trying my best.)

 

This morning she brought up marriage (again,) and was talking about how she can't stop wondering why I haven't proposed yet. I told her that while some of my reasoning probably stems from some commitment issues, a lot of it has boiled down to our lack of intimacy. I explained to her that I love her and do not want her to feel bad for her own sexuality, but I also told her that I feel like my needs aren't being met. I reiterated to her how integral intimacy is to me in a relationship, and that it isn't even just sex, but our lack of intimate touch in general. Needless to say this upset her greatly and now I am an anxious mess.  She feels inadequate because of all of this, and I feel like I am sexually undesirable and my needs aren't being met. I don't know what to do, and don't expect someone on here to hand me a golden ticket, but I really just want some outside input. Thanks in advance.

 

EDIT: I also feel really guilty for not realizing the validity of her sexuality at first and not fully understanding the weight behind her words and feelings.

In reading your post. Married to an asexual for 30 years and celibate for almost 25. I felt like screaming get out. Yeah she's great. Your best friend. But hey if as you say she or you had other sexual orientations other than asexuality the call was clear.

Be it clear that the ones who are in this 'mess' did not have the knowledge. The knowledge is yours. Yours and your partner's. She too must be aware. It's not shame calling. We are who we are.

[MrDane]

If living with your partner is also choosing to live with a depression, then I would strongly advice you guys to find ways to live without that, before talking about marriage-future-kids…

[Guest]

18 hours ago, Mountain House said:

I think people should work through this despite the level of entanglement and the trappings of life. I see no reason people should not seek to live their best life.

Ah, yes sorry you are right and after rereading I phrased that quite poorly. 
 

The greater entangled a relationship is, the more difficult it can be to exit. None of those things I mentioned  should prevent a change , but they each are complicating factors that make it more difficult to do so. 
 

Main point - don’t spend years and years adding confounding factors that are just going to make it more difficult to make a future change.