Falling in love changing your needs in life

[chewtrainer]

Hi,

I'm in my late 20s and if I had to label myself I would probably choose demi-panromantic asexual. Sometimes the inclusion of the first part seems a tad forced to me because I experience most of my life as an aro ace. Perhaps it could be argued that it's the case for most people ? However, I say this because it's hard for me to reconcile between what feels like two different sides of me.

 Typically, I go through my life without longing for a partner, platonic or otherwise, and I don't struggle being single. This changes when I fall in love which has so far happened twice in my life. Though one of them ended up with us dating for a bit, both involved a lot of unrequited pain and heartbreak. Both also had the element of unattainable love, the second one more than the first one with it having close to no chances of ever coming to fruition. Because of these circumstances I question whether it's genuine romantic attraction and a desire for romance or liking the fantasy of it without actually wanting to live that fantasy. I mentioned dating, but it was long distance so I felt like I had the option to play it safe and keep it as a roleplaying sort of thing if I wanted to. 

The reason why I'm writing this is that falling in love changes my outlook on life and I'm suddenly not ok with being alone anymore. Suddenly I'm in a crisis about fearing having no one as I age. In fact, both times the first signs that I'm falling in love were loneliness and dissatisfaction while doing solitary activities I have typically enjoyed by myself. I know that realistically my love can't possibly be requited and it's not making me want to search for romance with someone else, but it's making me want to have closer friends so that I can spend time with someone. From my first experience, all of this went away by the time I moved on from my love, but it did take a few years to move on. I don't know what to do with myself feeling this crushing loneliness and how to properly process it. Do any other demis ever feel like two different people with different needs when in love vs when not. Maybe I would feel it differently if falling in love wasn't something so rare for me and partnership something I don't seek. I relate a lot to the "single target sexuality" trope seen in fiction. It seems I only fall hard when I do and don't ever experience romantic attraction otherwise, so it's hard to shake off the feeling that it can only ever be this person for me. Any advice ?

[TormentDubz]

Moved from The Gray Area to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations.

 

TormentDubz

M&R Moderator

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @chewtrainer

Strong emotions can act as conduit states (which can lead to a different side of being in yourself). A lot of people don't notice how different they can think when they're feeling differently. It's good that you noticed, I think it's useful to know other ways we can be, since we can be considerate of those sides too. I see it as self-discovery and self-understanding. It can work both ways too, as in you can remember when you feel lonely that you don't always feel that way and can be ok too. It can sometimes help a little, though it's good to know you'd like friends and all that too.

You can keep open to love working out some day without (hopefully) relying on it. Do your best to remember there's more to your happiness.

just my thoughts

[Ceebs]

Falling in love can change all sorts of things about what you want and feel. I mean, I hated the idea of having children, even through my first few relationships, and I now I kinda really want a kid with my current partner. 🤷🏼‍♀️ But yeah, your situation makes sense to me. Especially as you identify as demi. When you're not in love with someone, you don't feel something is particularly missing in your life and I suppose unlike many other people, you don't actively look for a partner. (I'm a bit like this myself even though I'm not demi, but I put this down to being fairly introverted and not going out of my way to seek out connections of any sort... and probably a lot of social anxiety too, since I really do desire them.) And I do think that it's normal that once someone who's demi has experienced that connection, they might feel lonely without it now that they know what it's like.

 

Not sure about advice, but I agree with @Sarah-Sylvia. Stay open to finding new connections and focus on the other things that make you happy in life as well.

[EmeraldIce]

I think everyone feels like a different person in love and not in love. That's why the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship exists. For me, I'm going through IVF and I read all about scandals where fertility doctors used their own sperm and I got all paranoid about it. And that's when it hit me that I actually cared that my husband is the father of my baby. That revelation was shocking. My entire life, I've wanted kids, and a relationship with a man was simply a means toward that end. I didn't care if I was a single mom, I didn't care whether I was in a stable relationship, and I certainly didn't think I'd care who my child's father was.

[Terra Branford]

I'm grayro and I can relate to a lot of what you said. I am someone who is pretty introverted and generally comfortable with being on my own. I have only ever wanted to explore a romantic relationship with ONE person. However, this was at a time I was not aware of being on the aro/ace spectrum. A lot of my "crushes" in the past were based off of fantasies and ideas. Because whenever it seemed I had an opportunity to be with those people or they reciprocated, I lost interest. The ONE person I think I had a romantic connection with was long distance and we never met in person. So it's hard to say if it would have really worked or not. But like you I only crave companionship or to be with someone when there IS a someone facilitating those feelings. Otherwise, I could care less. I don't feel the need to seek it out because it's not something I can really look for. My attraction is random and nonexistent or the most part. Being grayro is frustrating because it has made it incredibly difficult for me to move past my romantic feelings, I feel like I am in perpetual state of limerence. It's likely because those feelings are rare for me to begin with. Everyone around me doesn't understand why I just don't go out and date others, and it's because I LITERALLY can't. Dating is pointless for me because I don't feel romantic attraction like allos. My attraction is too unpredictable. I just kind of live and if it's meant for me to feel mutual attraction and be with someone, it'll happen.