you just haven't found the right one yet

[Guest]

how many times do i have to hear this or some variation of it. i am never going to find the right one and i shouldnt have to wait around to see if i do for my whole life just to prove that asexuality exists. why do people say this do they mean well? are the ignorant? why cant they just understand. 

 

this is mostly just a rant in case you didnt guess but i really am sick of people saying this to me.  

[notafigmentofurimagination]

are these strangers or people you know well?  either way it sucks

[Guest]

Because they just don't want to understand. Don't listen to them, live your life the way you want to.

[The French Unicorn]

People just project themselves on other people and think you lie about being asexual cause they can't picture this for themselves. Sadly you could live your whole life as an asexual and they would still think you are lying about it.

 

[Phalena]

Have you already got your ace-bingo card?

 

Unfortunately, the idea that a person is only whole with that one perfect partner is so engrained in people's heads that they can't wrap their head around anything that differs from it. I guess that's the draw-back from generally bing able to choose your partner (relatively) freely. In earlier times, marriage was a necessary business and neither the bride nor the groom in some cases really had that much of a say. A socially fitting partner was found, the family and community needed to be taken care of. There was no room for romantic feelings. If there was that was incredibly lucky. That's also where all those overly romantic, yearning poems come from. Now, we got kinda freed of the earlier restrictions but in its place there came new ones.

[Sister Mercurial]

I don't know if there is a right one for me because every time I've started to get a settled idea in my mind of where I fit in the whole array of sexual orientations, something's happened to throw me off course again.  Nevertheless, one thing I do know is when I tried to look for "the one", I wasted way too much time and money on boring evenings with people who only wanted one thing and put me off for that very reason.  So I'd probably reply that if I concentrated my efforts on looking for "the one", I'd end up doing nothing else with my life and might still not find them, therefore I prefer to focus on other goals.  

[ElloryJaye]

I'd probably respond with, "Would you tell a lesbian that she just hasn't found the right man yet?"  If they answer "yes", you know to avoid that person in the future.  If they answer, "But that's different," my next line would probably be, "No, it isn't, and until you grasp why it isn't, I would prefer not to discuss this with you."  It's still futile a lot of the time, but here and there it may get a person to stop and think.

 

(They do mean well, in a sense—they've never critically examined the false idea that in order to be happy, a person must be paired off, and therefore they're trying to make a sort of ignorant wish for your future happiness.  This does not in any way make it less obnoxious.)

 

[Guest]

4 hours ago, notafigmentofurimagination said:

are these strangers or people you know well?  either way it sucks

This was a support worker who wanted me to go out and look for “eye candy” . Ugh I just hate the thought even 

 

 

3 hours ago, Phalena said:

Have you already got your ace-bingo card?

Lol I need to get one I think 

 

 

1 hour ago, ElloryJaye said:

I'd probably respond with, "Would you tell a lesbian that she just hasn't found the right man yet?"  If they answer "yes", you know to avoid that person in the future.  If they answer, "But that's different," my next line would probably be, "No, it isn't, and until you grasp why it isn't, I would prefer not to discuss this with you."  It's still futile a lot of the time, but here and there it may get a person to stop and think.

 

(They do mean well, in a sense—they've never critically examined the false idea that in order to be happy, a person must be paired off, and therefore they're trying to make a sort of ignorant wish for your future happiness.  This does not in any way make it less obnoxious.)

 

Well I did think to myself that it was pretty rude of them to assume I was into men in the first place like how would they know and it isn’t fair to assume that everyone is straight . 

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Eden1313 said:

how many times do i have to hear this or some variation of it.

I actually recently saw a post that it isn't correct to tell someone younger that they will never feel sexual attraction if they haven't felt it yet - the key reason that swayed me in this matter was how they said "telling a teen that they're supposed to feel sexual attraction by this time implies that any kind of romantic feelings must also be sexual and further that teens normally want and/or have sex - and that's just not true. Many teens haven't felt sexual attraction yet, even those who have romantic feelings and are dating. It's pretty normal for teens in a relationship to be very light in any intimcay, if they even have any."

 

Further, the data shows that only 95% of people have felt sexual attraction by 16-17 for males, and 17-18 for females. The number is significantly lower two years before this, at roughly 60%. It's actually very normal for there to be late bloomers. 

 

I think it is still very important to validate people who say they haven't felt sexual attraction, and I definitely understand that it feels unempathetic when people say "you haven't meant the right person yet" and honestly I feel like it implies some of the same things - 

 

but if you're 17, there's a real possibility you're in the 4% of people who are allosexual and just haven't felt sexual attraction for the first time yet. 

 

But what I also say - is that you are not required to have sexual feelings, and you are definitely allowed to identify as ace if you haven't felt them, even if "yet" is tagged onto the end of that. There's nothing wrong with someone suddenly feleing their first sexual attraction and changing their orientation - and there's no need to think they were incorrect in identifying as ace. 

 

someone under the age of 16 I would caution against saying they never will, simply because it's more likely at that age that they could feel sexual attraction that it is that they won't. But again, I won't stop them from identifying as ace, and won't say it's wrong, won't say anything along that line. 

 

I don't know yet what I WiLL say and this is the first time I'm posting since I read that article, so I'm still figuring out how to approach the subject. 

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Phalena said:

Have you already got your ace-bingo card?

 

Unfortunately, the idea that a person is only whole with that one perfect partner is so engrained in people's heads that they can't wrap their head around anything that differs from it. I guess that's the draw-back from generally bing able to choose your partner (relatively) freely. In earlier times, marriage was a necessary business and neither the bride nor the groom in some cases really had that much of a say. A socially fitting partner was found, the family and community needed to be taken care of. There was no room for romantic feelings. If there was that was incredibly lucky. That's also where all those overly romantic, yearning poems come from. Now, we got kinda freed of the earlier restrictions but in its place there came new ones.

I think some people kinda escaped by becoming nuns or priests, sad though 

[Guest]

Naturally if you're older than 18 you can just ignore everything I just said  

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, hois said:

Naturally if you're older than 18 you can just ignore everything I just said  

Yes well I am definitely not a teenager I am completely an adult who has had plenty of time to know if I would have experienced attraction or not so for me I can safely say there is almost a 0 percent chance of it happening lol. 

[Broken Doll]

.

 

[Phalena]

3 minutes ago, somebody00 said:

I think some people kinda escaped by becoming nuns or priests, sad though 

Well, yes, I guess? But also no? ^^; The second to x-born were usually sent into monasteries when there wasn't enough inheritance to secure every child's future or when they couldn't be fed in the first place. Or when they were nobles they could still have a 'clerical career' and participate in the struggle for power and stuff that way. It would be fascinating to see how many people dedicated their lives to God in an attempt to flee the prospect of a terrible marriage.

[Guest]

Hmmm if it came down to it I think I would rather become a nun than have to marry and have sex with a husband but that would be my personal choice if I had to choose out of those both not so great options. 

[notafigmentofurimagination]

1 hour ago, Eden1313 said:

This was a support worker who wanted me to go out and look for “eye candy” . Ugh I just hate the thought even

whats the point of looking for eye candy exactly...?  i dont even see the logical point of that

[Guest]

28 minutes ago, notafigmentofurimagination said:

whats the point of looking for eye candy exactly...?  i dont even see the logical point of that

Exactly! She was like oh we can go walk around the oval and we might see some “eye candy”. Like what even I don’t want to go out so I can stare at random strangers who I don’t find attractive. Do sexual people actually do that sort of thing? Genuinely curious. 

[Nobody2021]

I’ve been lucky that I have not really encountered “well-meaning” people and the ones closest to me have always known I’m a bit peculiar so to them my singledom is normal.

that is it to say that I haven’t been “encouraged” to try dating, but I just cannot bring myself to be interested in doing so. 

[Mike D]

I hear that one constantly.  My stock answer:  "And I never will."

[JordanT]

I still get the whole "you never know" thing from my mom sometimes which annoys me and kind of makes me feel shitty cause I feel like part of her can't acknowledge that I might actually know what I want/don't want. I work at a bank and I get a lot of customers who ask if I'm married and when I say "no" they go "well why not?" As if it's any of their business or even matters.

[TormentDubz]

On 10/8/2022 at 10:11 PM, JordanT said:

I still get the whole "you never know" thing from my mom sometimes which annoys me and kind of makes me feel shitty cause I feel like part of her can't acknowledge that I might actually know what I want/don't want. I work at a bank and I get a lot of customers who ask if I'm married and when I say "no" they go "well why not?" As if it's any of their business or even matters.

My mom accepted it but my dad gave me that

[Sally]

I would actually agree.   If you don't feel you've found the right cat yet, keep looking until you do.