asexual, aromantic and an introvert

[tired_druid]

Being aroace and an introvert can be so lonely like?? The constant feeling of isolation and alienation and missing out can be so overwhelming. Like everyone seems to be enjoying this specific thing that you've never felt the need for, and they love talking about it and are trying to convince you it's amazing, which then makes you feel bad for not doing said thing even though you *know* you don't/won't enjoy it. They bond over it, share stories related to it, and you're just sitting there like. what have I done wrong??

 

'it'/'the thing' can either be sex, dating, or partying/ something similar, can't it? and it's so frustrating because I know I don't enjoy any of those or just *can't* enjoy them because of lack of attraction, but still feel like I'm boring and have no life because I don't find these things interesting

[Guest]

Hey, I can see where you're coming from. I'm an introvert and ace, and yeah what you described does suck. From time to time it feels like people are trying to lowkey pressure you into doing those kinds of things by bragging how cool and hip they are. I feel like you can be a very interesting person even if you don't like something/have no desire to do something that the majority does. I'm sure there are plenty of things that makes you a wonderful and fun person to talk to. You've done absolutely nothing wrong, you're just being yourself and theres nothing wrong there. You will do wrong if you force yourself into doing something you don't want to do. Welcome btw 

[Guest]

Oh yes I can relate to this. I am aroace and an introvert and it is really hard to be constantly be told and feel like you are missing out on all the “best parts of life” even when you know that isn’t best for you. It can make you really sad at times. I don’t have any helpful advice but I hear you and you are valid. 

[Monke Jimmy]

I always thought I was just shy, but I think I legitimately have social anxiety. Every weekday I drive to my college campus and I'm always anxious (good or bad, I don't know) that someone will talk to me. I don't know how to interact with people in my classes; they don't seem interested in social interaction. People who I have made friends with and talk to are always busy, and so I often just feel alone. 

 

It was especially bad last year because I was living in an apartment with 3 roommates, 2 of whom were ghosts. I had no choice but to sit in my room alone and do homework. This year I am living at home with my family, and it is so much better. I hardly ever get sad or lonely, because there's always someone who can be there for me. I even visit my grandma on Fridays to be there for her, which also makes me feel better. Sometimes not feeling alone is all about looking in the right place for support. Maybe I'll create close friends in college eventually, but I have to remember that old friends and relatives are still here, too. 

 

In conclusion, find better people to talk to. Maybe try finding a social group or try looking elsewhere in your daily life for conversation. 

Or you could find out how to be assertive with something else you want to talk about. 

[steel_quill]

Hi, @tired_druid, welcome.  

 

I'm aroace and an ambivert, so big parties are not my cup of tea, either. 

 

If the people around you are only interested in talking about s**, dating, and parties (or maybe all three at once 😅), it's probably time to find a different friend group. There is the whole thing about "opposites attract," but friends gotta have some common interests. Maybe look for people to hang out with who do have the same hobbies / interests as you? And then try to meet in small groups of <= 5 people? That kind of setting can be more comfortable than huge groups.

 

Also, there is this site: https://discord.gg/acedatespace

 

I know it says "dating," but there's aro folks on there, too, and other aces who are looking for friends. There's also sites like Meetup.com for finding hobby groups that meet in your geographical area. 

[Mike D]

I'm all of those things, although I am an outgoing introvert who is fully capable of being social.  But I personally don't feel like I'm missing out on anything when it comes to relationships, because so many sexual people are so miserable so much of the time.  That constant wanting defines their lives...they pour endless time and effort into either getting a partner or trying to change the partner they have.  I suggest you try to take a longer view on your circumstances...what does being aro/ace free you from?

Extroverts gain energy from social interaction.  For introverts it's the opposite:  social interaction costs us energy.  But we are still human, and human beings are a social species.  As an introvert myself I find the best answer is to pursue activities that require me to be social (martial arts in my particular case).  By the time I'm done with that my social battery is spent and I appreciate rather than resent my alone time.

[VentiCoffe3]

On 9/21/2022 at 11:33 PM, tired_druid said:

Being aroace and an introvert can be so lonely like?? The constant feeling of isolation and alienation and missing out can be so overwhelming.

I RELATE SO SO MUCH. I'm an aroace introvert aswell, I've also felt like this and it has caused me some serious mental issues. I'm definitely getting better and I hope you will aswelll!! Having great close friends helped me get through alot !! I hope your having and amazing day ヾ(≧▽≦*)o

[tired_druid]

thank you all so much for replying, I've been worrying about this again because a close friend invited me to a Halloween party and it made me feel really anxious and im thinking about declining (she won't be mad, she knows I sometimes struggle with things like that) -- this made me feel a lot better and understood

 

to people who suggested making new friends: I'm trying ahsgdg but it's really hard. Working on it tho! Or at least trying to

[Guest]

On 9/21/2022 at 4:33 PM, tired_druid said:

Being aroace and an introvert can be so lonely like??

You're not alone 🙂 I'm an introvert and can totally relate. All the advice in this thread is so spot on! Find people and conversations where you can be you, and avoid conversations or people who you don't connect with or situations that drain that introvert energy! I'm finding myself doing that more now as a form of self care!

[MusicSoul]

I can completely relate. I too am an introvert and I struggle to find balance. There are times when I really truly want to be a hermit crab, anti-social, and just want to be left alone. Then there are times when I want to be in good company; however, the company I crave consists of a very SMALL  group (even 1 would suffice). As a mom I am kind of obligated to make connections with other moms, at least the ones that are associated with any of my daughter’s friends. I find that oftentimes, forming these relationships with the other moms is both exhausting and overwhelming for me. Even in social gatherings, especially big ones, after a certain amount of time has passed my battery is drained. I am still working on accepting that I am an introvert and making friends is challenging for me. Not only that, but I am still working on accepting that sometimes I don’t mind being alone; sometimes I want to be alone and that’s okay. I should just keep trying to find people and conversations that I can connect with. 

[cato]

I'm greyromantic and would call myself an ambivert with intense social anxiety, so I am functionally an introvert in some ways, because social anxiety is REALLY taxing.

 

I find interacting in small groups MUCH easier than 1-on-1 interaction.  1-on-1 interaction is panic-inducing for me.  You wouldn't know if you spoke to me, but internally, my brain will be screaming, how do I leave this situation?  Most people like to socialize one-on-one, in my experience, so that makes making close friends hard.  Dating, even worse.

 

Being alone sucks.  Being lonely sucks.  I feel very, very, very lonely most of the time.  I wish I was more romantically inclined so I could push through the social anxiety more easily.  I often read about socially anxious people more introverted than me who will say, "oh, I have my SO and don't need anyone else," etc., and I wonder, how the hell did you find a SO if you're that anxious??  I guess I'm doing something wrong lol

[CaittMarr]

I also aromantic, asexual, and introverted. I think I have struggled off and on with this problem. Not so much this recent. I am not out to any friends but I have definitely told them I don't see myself being in romantic or sexual relationship and they don't judge. They do have serious partners so they discuss them and ask for advice (as a group). When I give advice they really take  it and are always like " I love your different perspective'"and "I love how you see the world". What I learned is this is my life and this how I am living it and I can choose to be butt hurt about all time or I can find the joy. I generally don't want to be romantic/sexual relationship I am self-partnered and happy. Before I was sad because I always wanted a wedding. I was also sad because I am introverted and having one person to spend you time with in theory sounds great. Now that I know myself better and how i really interact with people I have realized that would be nightmare. I would feel like I would need to run away. Like having to interact with someone every day sounds not fun to me anymore. Accepts and love is hard to learn but once you learn how to do that for yourself life is soo much easier.  

[Lilibulero]

On 9/24/2022 at 7:42 PM, Mike D said:

I'm all of those things, although I am an outgoing introvert who is fully capable of being social

Same here. In fact, I completely agree with your post. Being aroace is a freedom, and being introverted means being your own energy generator. 

[imnotafreakofnature!]

On 9/24/2022 at 1:42 PM, Mike D said:

As an introvert myself I find the best answer is to pursue activities that require me to be social (martial arts in my particular case).

I'm a 59-year-old woman, and for the first time am planning to start martial arts soon too (most likely after the holidays). In the meantime, I'm working on "getting ready to start" - changing my diet, lifting some small free weights, meditation, etc - because discipline is a vital part of martial arts, and I've been sorely lacking in that area for quite a few years. 😵‍💫 (I've been doing yoga daily for two years or so, but am now going to two sessions a day instead of just one). I used to be a regular gym junkie and health enthusiast, but that all fell by the wayside when I got married the second time (before I discovered that asexuality was even a thing). Now that I'm single again, and especially since I'm not getting any younger, I intend to start taking better care of myself. I deserve it!

 

I'm an INFJ personality type (the rarest in the world - lucky me!), which means I'm an introverted ace too (at my age, I've learned to be a little more outgoing when needed, although I still have to work at it), but I'm not aro. I'm actually strongly romantic, and a romantic heart in an asexual body isn't a fun way to live. Having been married and divorced twice, and involved in several other relationships before discovering asexuality, I can tell you from up-close and heart-breaking experience that there are worse things than being lonely alone, and being lonely with somebody else is one of them. 

 

We're square pegs. We need to accept ourselves for who we are and where we're at in our lives, rather than trying to force ourselves into the round holes that other people think we should fit in just because they don't, won't or can't understand us.

[Rain dancer81]

@tired_druid for what it’s worth, I did ‘the thing’ (dating, one night stands, sex) in order to fit in in college and I have a lot of regrets. All my friends would have these wild crazy stories and I wanted my own stories too. I put myself in a lot of danger and had a lot of things happen to me that I have nightmares about. I envy anyone who figured out they were Ace early in life so they could plan their life on their own terms. I didn’t realize until I was 36, had kids, a marriage and a mortgage and it’s kinda a tangled mess at the moment. *hugs* be YOU and find your people. They’re out there 

[hermitbrain]

On 9/24/2022 at 7:42 PM, Mike D said:

I'm all of those things, although I am an outgoing introvert who is fully capable of being social.  But I personally don't feel like I'm missing out on anything when it comes to relationships, because so many sexual people are so miserable so much of the time.  That constant wanting defines their lives...they pour endless time and effort into either getting a partner or trying to change the partner they have.  I suggest you try to take a longer view on your circumstances...what does being aro/ace free you from?

Extroverts gain energy from social interaction.  For introverts it's the opposite:  social interaction costs us energy.  But we are still human, and human beings are a social species.  As an introvert myself I find the best answer is to pursue activities that require me to be social (martial arts in my particular case).  By the time I'm done with that my social battery is spent and I appreciate rather than resent my alone time.

Oh my god this is me to a tee! I went through a long phase (probably my mid 20's to mid 30's) feeling like I was supposed to have a relationship but all I  saw was my friends struggling in theirs and wondering why i would want to do that to myself?? When I look at people in relationships mostly I see the issues, the arguments, the problems and as an introvert people find me a good listener and able to keep their secrets so they would often tell me all about the stuff they hated about their partner!

 

I enjoy socialising to a degree but I know my limits and have zero issue with being the first to leave a party at 9pm and head home to curl up on my sofa alone. I have a few, great friends that I alot a certain amount of time to but it is always booked in advance, no sudden visits or last minute plans for me!

 

@tired_druid I would say that maybe you need to reassess your friend group? if they are not supportive of who you are and what you need in a friendship then maybe it is a toxic friendship you would be better off without? Find some hobbies/interests you enjoy and meet friends there, set boundarys early but explain why and most people understand. I have some seriously extroverted friends who fully understand my introvert needs and we work things out together so we are all happy.

 

Good luck in finding your own balance

[jay williams]

On 11/21/2022 at 10:09 PM, Juniper Lily said:

@tired_druid for what it’s worth, I did ‘the thing’ (dating, one night stands, sex) in order to fit in in college and I have a lot of regrets. All my friends would have these wild crazy stories and I wanted my own stories too. I put myself in a lot of danger and had a lot of things happen to me that I have nightmares about. I envy anyone who figured out they were Ace early in life so they could plan their life on their own terms. I didn’t realize until I was 36, had kids, a marriage and a mortgage and it’s kinda a tangled mess at the moment. *hugs* be YOU and find your people. They’re out there 

I am not clear why you have regrets. I have tried relationships, although I never got married. I don't regret the sex I have had. It was likely the only way I could have learned that sex was not for me a ticket to paradise. It required experimentation for me to increasingly learn, at first, that sex was a pretty stupid activity; and eventually to learn that it was not desirable at all! It would have been great to find someone who felt the same way about sex as I did. 

 

[Tom71]

On 9/21/2022 at 10:33 AM, tired_druid said:

Being aroace and an introvert can be so lonely like?? The constant feeling of isolation and alienation and missing out can be so overwhelming. Like everyone seems to be enjoying this specific thing that you've never felt the need for, and they love talking about it and are trying to convince you it's amazing, which then makes you feel bad for not doing said thing even though you *know* you don't/won't enjoy it. They bond over it, share stories related to it, and you're just sitting there like. what have I done wrong??

 

'it'/'the thing' can either be sex, dating, or partying/ something similar, can't it? and it's so frustrating because I know I don't enjoy any of those or just *can't* enjoy them because of lack of attraction, but still feel like I'm boring and have no life because I don't find these things interesting

I doubt you've done anything wrong

There is nothing wrong with not being interested in things other people find interesting

And it doesn't mean you are boring or have no life.  There is so much more to life than just relationships