Have you ever loved someone spoken for?

[JimmyJazz]

This is pretty self-explanatory but it’s something that has been crossing my mind recently and I thought some different perspectives might help me find some clarity. I’ll add some questions that might help direct the conversation: 

 

1. Did they have a ring on their finger (yet)?

2. Did you tell them how you felt?

 

3. How did you move on, if at all?

 

4. Do you think you will get your chance to be their partner in the future?

[awadama]

1. Yeah - I was aware of them before that happened, but I didn't actually speak to them until after

 

2. Not directly, but they kinda figured it out and I admitted it

 

3. We were really really good friends for a few years but now we're not

 

4. Realistically I don't think I'll ever even see them or speak to them again, but I really miss them and I'd be happy just to be friends again!

[Ceebs]

Yep.

 

48 minutes ago, JimmyJazz said:

1. Did they have a ring on their finger (yet)?

Well, metaphorically. Legally tied to someone else. No literal ring, as far as I know. 

 

48 minutes ago, JimmyJazz said:

2. Did you tell them how you felt?

Yes. Actually she initiated something with me despite her relationship status, so. We were both married and unhappy in our relationships.

 

48 minutes ago, JimmyJazz said:

3. How did you move on, if at all?

See next question.

 

48 minutes ago, JimmyJazz said:

4. Do you think you will get your chance to be their partner in the future?

I did, yeah. I'd ended my relationship with my ex-husband and she navigated some type of an open relationship with her partner. We were openly in a relationship for a while. It became a very toxic mess, emotionally abusive at points, so moving on -- especially when I found someone else I wanted to be with instead -- was very easy in the end. Only regret is that it wasn't over sooner.

 

 

I've also loved a close friend who wasn't actually spoken for (although he was intermittently trying to date other people, after his marriage ended, and I found it rather painful to hear about these... dating attempts) and I assumed nothing would ever happen for a variety of reasons. Living far apart, assuming there was no reciprocal interest, etc. I think I was breaking my own heart for a while. I knew I was in love, probably more than I'd ever been with anyone before. I used to google stuff like 'how to get over someone you've never even dated'. I thought it would be this big unexplored heartache that would stick with me for the rest of my life and I'd just kind of be haunted by it.

 

That story has a happy ending, though. Now we get to spend the rest of our lives together.

[Sister Mercurial]

Current crush is apparently involved with someone else, although I didn't know that when I realised the effect he had on me.  He's not married and I don't think he's looking to marry anyone.  However, found out he was going out with someone before I could talk to him about my feelings, so at least I didn't make a fool of myself by telling him.  Not "moved on" so far: it's been more than a decade since the last time I had a crush on someone theoretically attainable, so I can't just magic up someone else to be interested in.  Don't know if anything will happen in future: the girl he's with is prettier than I am, but she's terribly full of herself, so depends if he gets tired of the drama.  

[Captain_Tass]

I've never loved someone who was already in an ongoing (presumably serious, monogamous/closed) relationship with someone else, so feel free to take this with a big grain of salt.

 

As a polyamorous individual, if I were in a relationship with a girl who one day told me that someone else had confessed they had feelings for her although they knew she was already in a relationship, I'd definitely ask her the following questions, with any followups depending on the specific situation.

 

1) Do you also have feelings for them?

2) Do you wish to enter into a relationship with them?

3) Do you still have feelings for me?

4) Do you wish for our own relationship to continue as it currently stands?

 

If the answer to question 2 is some variety of no and the answer to question 4 some variety of yes, nothing changes. If the answer to both questions 2 and 4 is some variety of yes, then the gf might just gain one more romantic relationship in her life and I'll gain one metamour for starters. If the answer to question 4 is some variety of no, then the answer to question 2 is completely irrelevant to me, and we'll have to have a serious talk about what we're going to do from here on out, most likely a breakup unless there was something very fixable yet unadressed going on. No hard feelings, relationships tend to end.

 

But if we're talking of a case where the individual one is interested in is (1) involved in a serious monogamous closed relationship... (2) Personally I don't think I'd really bother telling them, because (3) nothing is a bigger "turn-off" (so to speak) than knowing that the other person just won't be into me.

 

(Incidentally that's why I've never actually fallen for any girl who denies having any attraction to women. Of course I've thought that some were attractive, but I've never considered them "partner material" because we have fundamentally different orientations, and as such I'll end up feeling inadequate and they'll end up feeling unsatisfied and it will just be a bit of a shitshow.)

 

I can't speak for point 4 at all, not even in theory, because every single situation is different.

 

Bear in mind that what I write here is just one of many prespectives, and admittedly quite an uninformed one.

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

Yes and no.

 

1. Did they have a ring on their finger (yet)?

 

No, he was a friend and was single, but I started to suspect he was dating someone after I sensed distance, he used to talk to me in a very sweet way, and he had stopped doing so, I thought that it could possibly be just my idea, until he finally introduced me his GF (it was all fast, and they were seriously dating for marriage, they had met their parents and were engaging all quickly) without a previous warning, he just put her in front of me and said something like "be friends, please" and left us alone there, we saw each other, said "hi" and kept in silence until I left, it was so uncomfortable! 

 

2. Did you tell them how you felt?

 

No, there was no reason for, and as he had taken some distance, I did too. We stopped talking for a time. 

 

3. How did you move on, if at all?

 

My mind is like that. I cannot think in a male that's in a relationship, I find that cruel and selfish. It hurts, it's a sad realization; I felt so mocked  (twice, see below) from the Universe or whatever, but at the end it was me doing me this toxic-cycle-thing, I cannot blame the earth, the universe, the elves, or anything, nor even him.

 

4. Do you think you will get your chance to be their partner in the future?

 

In the past I did, I saw his GF and knew that was not going to last, and it happned like I thought, buuuuuuuuuut...  the story took a different path from what I thought it would be!

 

They ended up and years later he sought for my friendship again, then years later we grew apart again, we reached each other again, and I fell into the trap AGAIN!! 🙄 (we did this several times) and just when I was in hope that "maybe this time" (AGAINNNN!!!)... They went back, like, what, 10 years later, maybe? They are married and have the cutest baby, and I am happy for both  (he wanted a lot to be a dad). I wish them the best, there is no reason for me to be there desiring anything, obviously. We say hi only in special occasions, nothing more (at least for now, maybe in the future we can be normal friends, but I don't know, I think he's too busy and won't risky and don't want to upset his wife talking too much with past friends). I was silly for too long, I cannot be so anymore  . I learned my lesson. 

[Guest]

I decided to delete what I originally said.

Edited September 26, 2022 by Guest
To delete my post

[Philip027]

Not at the moment it started, but I don't really "fall out of love" with people, and in the intervening time some of those people have since gotten into other relationships.  Dunno if that really counts for what you're asking about.

 

Hypothetically speaking, I would still confess these sorts of things.  I would only feel this way for people I already regard as friends, and I feel like I owe it to my friends to be upfront about how I feel about them.  But I'd also make it clear that there's absolutely no expectation on my part.  Unrequited feelings don't bother me at all.

[aafire]

hmm well. yes.

she cheated on her man with me and we dated for about 2 years after they broke up. maybe 2 years after we broke up they got back together and are married now

 

1. Did they have a ring on their finger (yet)?

(no)

2. Did you tell them how you felt?

(yes, we had some serious love moments and it was mutual)

 

3. How did you move on, if at all?

(after we broke up, it hurt, and it took me a long time to get over her.  we good now tho)

 

4. Do you think you will get your chance to be their partner in the future?

hahahaha no thank you I find her nice but have zero interest at all now.

[Starry Sky]

Yes 

 

1. No. 

 

2. Eventually. I had liked her for a year but she was always in relationships so I never did anything about it. She confessed to feelings for me and I opened up as well. She ended up cheating on her partner with me and later broke up with them to be with me instead. We were together for about a year and a half until her transphobic mom gave her ultimatum to cut ties with me. 

 

3. Well... I was torn apart and it took a long long long time. I still love her, that was always unconditional, but I can live happily without her. I'm sure there is someone out there who is just as compatible, if not more, with me. The fact that her mom is a narcissistic dictator who hates my guts having never met me is how I got over her, really. It just wouldn't work out so I had to let go. 

 

4. Unless her mom passes, absolutely not. I would never wish for her to lose her mom either. We've talked about it a few times since that maybe one day we'll be in a place where we can be together again and not hide our relationship from her family. I doubt that'll ever happen, though, and I'm okay with that. 

[Sally]

I loved someone who was married, as I was, but he loved me also and we both got divorced and were together for many years until he died.  Sometimes I've thought that unrequited love might be easier because relationships are difficult.  

[Epitaph]

1. No.

 

2. Yeah. I warned them that love/infatuation was something I'd not truly felt in years and that it may make things unpredictable about me, but at least I spotted the warning signs this time around.

 

3. Since it's a current affair, I haven't. I told myself that the reality can never live up to the hope or dream of what could be. My world would be too grim for them to live in. Unfair for them when they already have somebody. That may be the closest I get to moving on. Sparing them having anything to do with my life.

 

4. The part of me that I can't kill would desperately want that, yes. Realistically, it's likely I'll never see her again in true person. And perhaps that's better, as even the glances I rarely catch hurt.

[Ceebs]

4 hours ago, Sally said:

Sometimes I've thought that unrequited love might be easier because relationships are difficult.  

I've been pondering this for a few hours now and I don't think there's a definitive, universal answer. Unrequited love is easier than some relationships are for sure, though.

[Geekykitty]

I've honestly never been "in love." But I did have a crush once on someone who was married. 😝 I didn't act on it because I never do anything when I have a crush. I always assume they're not interested in me. I'm sure they had no idea I liked them! 

[Ceebs]

4 hours ago, Geekykitty said:

I always assume they're not interested in me.

I'm sort of weird with that. Somehow I manage to believe no one could ever be interested in me, but I also overanalyse interactions with people and have probably assumed flirting before when there was none.

[cato]

1. Did they have a ring on their finger (yet)?

Yes.  He was (is) married, but his marriage was failing.

 

2. Did you tell them how you felt?

He propositioned me, then it bloomed.  I liked him a lot beforehand, but I hadn't thought of it as romantic attraction, nor did I ever entertain anything.  I had thought he was happily married.  My thoughts were limited to, "Wow, X seems like a really nice person.  I wish I could date someone like that some day."  I never imagined in a million years there was interest from him.

 

3. How did you move on, if at all?

Still working on it, tbh.  It's gotten easier because I reluctantly had to accept there was no future (see #4), but for a long time, I hoped there would be.  My biggest fear is that I will never meet someone like him again, which is a real possibility, given my greyromanticism : (

 

4. Do you think you will get your chance to be their partner in the future?

No.  He decided to stay and repair his marriage.  That choice was, and has been, very painful for me, and I selfishly wish it had ended differently.  But, given his life situation, I think it is best for him and others in the end.

[SnowTurtle]

1. Did they have a ring on their finger (yet)?

No, but they don't swing my way.

2. Did you tell them how you felt?

I did in my dreams but not in real life because I don't want them to be uncomfortable.

 

3. How did you move on, if at all?

Not at all. It's really painful at times because I see them nearly every day. I've tried reminding myself that even if they could be attracted to me, we aren't compatible romantically since we're both looking for different things. But crushes don't have to be reasonable. I'm glad that I have a crush on them, though. This is my first ever crush and it really helped me get a better idea of what I like in a person and that I could feel this way towards someone.

 

4. Do you think you will get your chance to be their partner in the future?

Definitely not since they don't swing my way. I just know, as I told them, that whoever they choose to be with in the end, will be a real lucky person.