Should I be infatuated by now?

[CarouselOfStars]

Hello Asexuals! Got a dating question if y'all have experience. 7 months into dating I feel like I should either be infatuated or madly adore my current boyfriend, yet….

Maybe it’s because although it’s only 7 months we don’t get to spend a lot of time together. I get to see him every second weekend and maybe once during the week at night. 

To this date we have only had 5 lazy Sundays together in bed where we have been able to fondle each other a lil. We still only give chaste kisses. I’ve initiated everything but want him to ask for more if he wants it (he’s older and experienced).

I really like him! But I feel like by now I should Like Like him. I said we need to spend more time together but he’s more time poor than me. Would further intimacy help? But then surely Aros would disagree, it shouldn’t have more of an impact for an Ace. I just don't want to 'lead' him on if I'm not going to develop smitten feelings. 

Any help is good!

(also Hi boyfriend if you're reading this lol) 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi.
Infatuation usually happens more with a crush. And all of it is not really important compared to love. Whether they're there or not for someone, depends on a lot of factors.

 

If you like him then that's good. Maybe eventually you'll feel a stronger bond and more feelings will show up, but it's not something you can say necessarily happens. More time and intimacy cab help, especially if you like him that way, though not forced. Never a guarantee is all. Sometimes it can click.

 

I guess that's the thing with dating, you can never be sure how much you'll end up liking someone. Spending more time with them can help know more, growing a bond and getting to know how you feel about or with them. I don't know how to know if love will develop with someone or not, but I think It comes down to first enjoying your time with them, at some point coming to care about them, feeling closer and more connected, and feeling the mutual feelings together i think can turn to love. Crushes can flow into love but it's not like they're based on the actual person, so I'm not sure infatuation is that important to focus on.

[RileyA]

You like him, you're moving in the right direction regarding intimacy from what you say, sometimes things are a slower burn. Its taken 7 years or something for my FWB to actually become my partner and for us to be on the same page at the same time. 

 

Now it's like a honeymoon. Love him to death and he can't get enough of me either. 

[Philip027]

Have you ever "Like Liked" anyone else before?  It could be you simply don't feel these things as intensely as what you might have seen from other people (on that note I suggest trying not to compare yourself to others, if that's what you've been doing; it's a good way to feel inadequate eventually one way or another).  Is there something you're dissatisfied with besides (from what I can tell) a lack of time together?

 

And on his end, is he initiating less than what (it seems) you're expecting because he's trying to avoid stepping on your toes?

[NullSpace]

I honestly haven't felt feelings that could be described as "infatuation" since I was a teenager, and even then it was generally towards people who I knew I would be completely incompatible with (like a weird fascination with an utterly foreign way of interacting with the world).

 

That said, I'm now almost 10 years married to someone I actually am compatible with, and I don't feel like my love is any less for never having had a hollywood-type swooning obsession for my wife. But maybe my asexuality is to blame for that? Idk. All that to say, I don't really think that infatuation the way it's generally understood is completely necessary for a good relationship. In fact, I'd go as far as to say it's pretty irrelevant considering how many relationships that began with that eventually end with two people hating each other. By definition, it's an attraction that's not fueled by logic, and I think that figuring out a good long-term partner should involve a fair bit of logic.

[Ceebs]

Wait, so you don't know if you like him non-platonically at all and he doesn't initiate anything with you even though he's an experienced heterosexual guy and you're willing to do more? It sounds like neither of you is that into each other, tbh. I definitely wouldn't spend seven months on a relationship with someone I wasn't sure I had feelings for and who didn't show much sexual interest in me either.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

12 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Wait, so you don't know if you like him non-platonically at all and he doesn't initiate anything with you even though he's an experienced heterosexual guy and you're willing to do more? It sounds like neither of you is that into each other, tbh. I definitely wouldn't spend seven months on a relationship with someone I wasn't sure I had feelings for and who didn't show much sexual interest in me either.

It's a long time, but she said every other weekend.. I think it's a lot harder to form a long-term bond when it's spread out as much.

 

I think chatting counts though but it wasn't mentioned.

[Ceebs]

Yeah I mean, assuming there's regular communication and people are into each other, usually even discussions get sexual and people talk about what they want to do. Time together can definitely limit what you actually get round to doing, but I feel like after seven months there should be a lot more than there is.

 

Not sure what's up with the boyfriend, but I can say that if I was in the OP's position, I'd be vocalising my own confusion about my feelings and asking my partner how he felt and what he wanted.

[Philip027]

I got the sense that the OP's partner already knows about the OP's asexuality (since they're open about it here and doesn't seem particularly bothered by said partner potentially seeing this post), and might be responding to it by being much less "forward" than he normally might be, possibly because he's under the impression that aces might be uncomfortable with pushing things further.

 

I occasionally have encountered a similar sort of thing with my spouse; I sometimes need to provide reassurance.

[Ceebs]

Yeah, that's possible. Maybe he needs more explicit reassurance that doing more is fine, given that he's never even been the one to initiate.

[CarouselOfStars]

Hi everyone, thank you for your thoughtful responses. 

Yes my boyfriend is Ace, and on our second date we stated out boundaries -no sex. 

I've been really focused on communicating absolutely everything, to the point sometimes it feels tedious but I know it's important. 

 

We've briefly discussed intimacy and he says he's 'happy with anything' which I reply is too vague. But I know he's waiting for me to initiate out of patience and respect (I finally cracked last week and said it's making me feel insecure now) so I'll see if there's more interested on his part. 

 

This is my first relationship and he has kids, so sometimes I feel like I've skipped Level 1 and landed on Level 10 Relationship lol. 

 

(And no I haven't met his kids yet, I said we need more time to get to know each other properly. )

 

So I really don't have any past experiences to relate my feelings too. I guess I'm comparing my feelings to my Hetro siblings, initially they were crushing very hard on their spouses. They all seem smitten, but I know logically we're too different to compare. 

I have never Liked Liked anyone IRL. 

 

I've always been more level headed and perhaps I'm guarding my feelings. That being said I think we're both very guarded. 

 

Thanks for your patience! I know this is all a lil convoluted. 

 

 

[Philip027]

Wait a minute then, so you're the sexual partner and your partner is ace?  Dunno why but I was thinking the roles were reversed.

 

I'm not really sure why you are expecting someone who's ace to "initiate" sex more often.  I feel like there's other things I'm not understanding here...

[Ceebs]

Ohh um yeah, that changes things. I'm a tad confused too. 

[RileyA]

Yeah there's no sex by agreement so you're going nowhere fast in that respect.

[Guest]

5 hours ago, CarouselOfStars said:

Yes my boyfriend is Ace, and on our second date we stated out boundaries -no sex

By 'no sex' do you mean penetration, or all forms of sexual intimacy? Because he may be interpreting 'no sex' as any form of sexual intimacy so isn't expecting situations to go in that direction as you already established there will be no sex?

 

5 hours ago, CarouselOfStars said:

We've briefly discussed intimacy and he says he's 'happy with anything' which I reply is too vague. But I know he's waiting for me to initiate out of patience and respect (I finally cracked last week and said it's making me feel insecure now) so I'll see if there's more interested on his part. 

What is he failing to initiate that is making you feel insecure? Because if you've both established 'no sex' and you are doing other things like fondling and a little kissing, he may be assuming that's totally enough? It depends on how you're both defining sex.

 

14 hours ago, CarouselOfStars said:

I really like him! But I feel like by now I should Like Like him. I said we need to spend more time together but he’s more time poor than me. Would further intimacy help? But then surely Aros would disagree, it shouldn’t have more of an impact for an Ace. I just don't want to 'lead' him on if I'm not going to develop smitten feelings

online, I've had a relationship that lasted over a year with an ace and a relationship that lasted over a year with a non-ace, and even when the contact was literally solely only online for months on end I developed very strong feelings of love, desire, and adoration for both of them. There are at least two other people who commented in this thread who seem to have developed feelings for people online long before they got to physically meet them too  Feelings aren't generally about how long you get to spend physically together but more about the mental and emotional connection you have which imo you probably would have experienced by now?? But everyone is different of course. But yeah meeting in person and spending time physically together is more a way to ascertain how long your relationship could potentially last (as you get to know each other on a more practical level when physically together) - The feelings can develop totally independent of that though.

 

And yeah if you're not feeling anything yet I'm just not sure if I could guarantee those feelings would develop. Especially as you do seem to be expecting more physical intimacy than he seems prepared or able to give?

[CarouselOfStars]

Hi y'all! Thanks again and apologies for not being clear. We're both Ace. He's new to it all (just over a year of awareness) and I'm 7 years in. 

 

To be clear the most we do with fondling is boob and butt touching. And when I say I initiate things I nearly always have to say it's ok to touch me, then he's enthusiastic to an extent. I may be asexual but I still want to be desired.

I'm very tactile and I put that into action when I'm with him.  I also have to initiate communicating about our desires/expectations/and what were comfortable with.

Being experienced I feel he is more comfortable to just relax and go with the flow. 
When I said it makes me insecure I think it's somewhat 'unfair' to expect the inexperienced partner to initiate everything. I understand he's recent point of view, but it's understandable that an inexperienced Ace would question just how interested their partner is or what levels of desire they have when they don't initiate anything. He will occasionally ask for a kiss. 

But we're getting off topic! The insecurities and possible 'too slow for my taste' intimacy fussing isn't deeply related to my feelings of adoration or affection. 

I know I shouldn't compare to Hetro people, but all my siblings were outwardly in love within the year, so I suppose I was expecting some kind of stirring by now. Deeper than a desire to spend time with him (we text every night) 
Yes I really like him, and maybe I do need to be patient, but I'm also really conscious of his feelings and effort he's putting into this relationship. I know dating is all about figuring out if you're both compatible, and so far we are. I just don't want to upset him if after a year I haven't developed deeper feelings.
To make things more difficult he wants me to meet his children, but I don't want to fall in love with them if this isn't going to last. I keep saying I'm not ready to meet them and he's understanding. 

 

I feel this has gotten off topic, but this has been a really useful way to air my thoughts and get some great opinions and insights too! So thanks everyone for sharing. 
 

[Philip027]

Hmm, ok.

 

I'm not really sure how to advise from here, then.  I don't have "desires" of that sort for people, people "desiring" me in that way is something I almost universally don't want, and I never give any particular thought to the act of initiating or who initiates things -- which are all things I chalked up to being due to my asexuality.

 

I'm also not really clear by what you mean by your partner being "experienced" but I will say that it's not necessarily accurate/fair to assume that just because someone is more experienced in something, that it means they are more interested in it (especially if he says he's ace).  Frankly, if anything, you sound more interested in it than he does.

[Ceebs]

Yeah I mean... if he's asexual (and of course many asexual people do have sexual experience), is it possible he just doesn't want to be having any sex at all?

 

And, not trying to argue about how you identify, more just trying to understand the situation here and your relationship to sex... but if you want him to desire you sexually and want to engage in sexual activity with him, is there a reason you use the term 'asexual' for yourself that I'm missing?

[CarouselOfStars]

So I've figured it out! 

The fact that I want to be desired by him, and only him, the slight frustration that I can't spend anymore time with him then I do, and my natural disposition to be heavily guarded emotionally, along side my commit phobia has all lead me to realise I do indeed Really like him already. Just in a very slow controlled manner, but something that will grow given more and consistent time together. 

 

I think the 'Meeting the Kids' hanging over my head was making me panic, and I was looking for a definite answer to my feelings so I could quickly decide whether this was possibly going somewhere or not. The kids felt like a countdown, something I had to be 100% onboard with before I was 100% with him. 

 

I'm just going to take a breather and try to go with the flow, relax into this relationship and see how it grows 👌

 

Thank you for all the comments, you all helped out way faster then months of discussing this with my Allo family 😅 

Ace's, am I right? 

(also I think we may all be interpreting Desire differently, for me it has absolutely nothing to do with sex, but everything to do with intimacy -/partially physical but mostly emotional. ) 

[Ceebs]

Hrmm. Well, emotional and physical intimacy are the reasons I want sex too, as a sexual person. Just confused about what the difference is here. 

[CarouselOfStars]

Ah yeah, I'm really set on not having sex, and we've talked about other sexual acts that I'm not keen on and he's really not bothered (would only partake if I wanted) but the desire to be wanted, to be loved, without sex. 

But at this point I think we may be shouting across a bridge by having  different interpretations and orientations lol

[RileyA]

It kind of sounds like you want him to want to have sex even though you're unsure about wanting to have it. 

[CarouselOfStars]

1 hour ago, RileyA said:

It kind of sounds like you want him to want to have sex even though you're unsure about wanting to have it. 

Nah, I think the term Desire and Wanting are really throwing people here.

If I wanted him to want me sexually I'd use the term Lust after me. 

But somehow this convo keeps focusing back into sex, which for an Ace forum is way to ironic. So let's leave that out. 

[RileyA]

21 hours ago, CarouselOfStars said:

We still only give chaste kisses. I’ve initiated everything but want him to ask for more if he wants it (he’s older and experienced).

I really like him! But I feel like by now I should Like Like him. I said we need to spend more time together but he’s more time poor than me. Would further intimacy help?

 

Your language in this part seems to suggest that you link him not pushing forward with sexual intimacy (note the use of "chaste") with why you don't feel "more" for him. I think that's what set the tone.

[CarouselOfStars]

1 hour ago, RileyA said:

 

Your language in this part seems to suggest that you link him not pushing forward with sexual intimacy (note the use of "chaste") with why you don't feel "more" for him. I think that's what set the tone.

Yeah wrong tone and wrong focus. 

The feelings are the focus and whether more intimacy would deepen it. Intimacy - not sex. 

But the whole discussion has really helped unravel my jumbled feelings on the original matter, I have a much clearer path and focus. I think this is going to be a slow gentle process for me and I shouldn't compare to the heartthrob romances abound.