What does romantic attraction feel like?

[Greencheese]

Hi, I’m new here so I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this or not. 
Basically my friend told me they have a crush on me and would like us to date. I felt strangely happy to hear that but at the same time kind of uncomfortable. In the past I’ve already told them I’m asexual but now I’m questioning whether I may be aromantic too. I don’t think I’ve ever had a ‘crush’ so idk how im supposed to know if what I feel for my friend is platonic or something more. I’ve never been good at knowing what emotions im feeling so maybe it’s just that? I’ve always liked the idea of being in a romantic relationship but I just can’t ever see myself being like that with anyone. On one hand they are one of my closest friends so of course I’d love to see them more, however im not sure if it’s in the same way they do. I feel it wouldn’t be fair on them to pursue a relationship knowing that they want more than I do. Sorry I kind of rambled on a bit but advice from anyone who’s been through similar would be great. Thank you 

[Monke Jimmy]

I would say that if you can't see yourself in a relationship with them, then you should:

1. Establish boundaries. Make it clear that you are not and will not be getting into a romantic relationship with them. Tell them at what point things would get weird for you. 

2. Be BFFs

 

Last year one of my friends did this. Unfortunately, neither of us had any time so we didn't even get to strengthen our friendship. Pro tip: don't take more than 15 credit-hours at university. 

[Philip027]

1) What do *you* think is romantic?  Do you want to experience those things with this person?  With anyone?

2) Don't try to decide for someone else what's best for them regarding their feelings about you.  They're a big boy/girl (presumably) and can make that determination themselves.  Focus on what you want/feel, and be honest with them about it.  Then leave the ball in their court to decide what they want to do with that information.

[AstrophelDragon]

What would dating look like with that person? And a romantic relationship? My best advice is to just talk to them and try to figure out what you would actually like, instead of worrying right now about if you are aromantic or not (because at least from my experience, that is incredibly hard to figure out)

 

[stalwart]

Good on you for taking some time to reflect on your feelings! Something that may be useful for you in thinking about this is reflecting separately about A) your feelings, B) your wants, C) your hopes for the future.

 

For me, there is a qualitative difference between romantic and platonic feelings. It's also possible to have a romantic crush on someone you don't actually want to date right now, or on someone you might be happy to be friends with now but hope and fantasize about developing a romantic connection with as your friendship progresses. Romantic love comes in many different flavors, shapes, and intensities, and even people who fall in love at the drop of a hat don't always fall in love the same way. Because of this, I think that parsing romantic from platonic love is a case-by-case question that is best answered by thinking about your specific situation, not the general "What is love?" dilemma. 

 

So, I guess, think about your friend. Are you interested in receiving romantic gestures from them, or demonstrating romantic affection for them? Do you like the idea of other people perceiving you as a couple? Do you feel like the two of you have the requisite level of trust to set boundaries and talk about complicated, vulnerable topics? Would going on a date with them (whatever "date" looks like) make you happy? Do you generally feel comfortable and respected with this person? Do you admire them? Regardless of what you do or don't or are able or not able to feel, do you want to feel romantic love for this person? Do the two of you share enough values, priorities, and interests to build an enduring relationship? (If the answer to that last question is "I don't know," are you interested in finding out?) 

 

Also, ask yourself: Are you interested in something longer-term and deeply attached? Do you want a light, easy, fun fling? Do you want to go on adventures together, big or small? Are you looking for a pragmatic relationship that doesn't place heavy expectations on holidays and anniversaries, or do you yearn for someone you can exchange big gestures with? What makes you feel nervous or unsettled about starting a romance? What are you hopeful for? What do you want to change or retain about the way your life is now? Do you want to be a little impulsive and learn by doing, or do you want to be cautious and consider all the angles before jumping in? 

 

I'm sorry to leave you with more questions than answers, but I hope they'll help you figure out a few different angles for approaching your original question. Remember—there are no wrong answers! And good luck

[Greencheese]

Thank you for all of your advice, it seems I still have a lot of thinking to do. It’s hard because I’ve never been in a relationship before so I have nothing to compare this to. I’ll try talking to them about it once I’m more sure of what I want.