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Am I graysexual?


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I have never been sexually attracted to someone I haven’t met. Smell is the most important thing to me in terms of attraction and I have only been sexually attracted to 2 people in my life (I’m in my 30s). People have asked me if I’m asexual in the past and I never thought I was because I have experienced sexual attraction twice, and sexual attraction is very important to me. I can’t imagine dating someone without it. But as I’ve gotten older (and remained single) I’ve explained my “deal” to more people, and it’s starting to seem increasingly bizarre that smell is the most important criteria for sexual attraction (if someone doesn’t smell “right” I’m not attracted to them no matter what), and that I’ve only been sexually attracted to two people. Am I graysexual, or something else? 

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Hi @Dee_tim113Welcome around.

I'd say smell being important is maybe rare, but I remember someone mentioning smell before as well, though I don't think is the reason they were attracted initially.
I think if we take it as a trait that causes sexual attraction, then that can be normal enough, even if the thing itself isn't. So it's really hard to say where it'd fall.

I looked up just a bit of stuff and found this:

"Certain body odours are connected to human sexual attraction. Humans can make use of body odour subconsciously to identify whether a potential mate will pass on favourable traits to their offspring. "


"Studies have shown that body odor is strongly connected with attraction in heterosexual females. The women in one study ranked body odor as more important for attraction than “looks”."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_odour_and_sexual_attraction

 

So it does seem like smell plays a factor for some people, especially women. At least based on those studies. I don't really know anything about it, I'm just basing on what I found.

You're free to talk about yourself however makes sense. Graysexuality does have a large range for how people can be, though it's honestly hard to say if this would fit.
I hope you can feel free to spend time on the site though, maybe you'll gain from it and even relate to some of how people feel about their sexuality (or lack of it in a lot of cases)

🍰

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rainbowocollie

Well, no one can tell you that. But I'd say questions to ask yourself include:
Do I see the sexual aspect as an essential part of a relationship?
Is sexual gratification with other people something I want?
Could I function in a relationship without sex?
Could I function in a relationship with sex?

Gray-asexuality is a legitimate category, but it's kinda fuzzy and confusing to try to define. I tend to define it more narrowly than some tbh, to me gray-sexuality is "almost asexual". Like maybe someone has sexual attraction once or twice in their lifetime, but do they actually have an innate desire for it? Or maybe someone comfortably identifies as asexual, but one day they find that they are experiencing a sexual desire they never had for their partner until now (demisexual).

But in the end it's up to you. Questioning can be a tough and lengthy process, give it time.

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Mr. Cellophane

I'm also trying to figure out if I'm graysexual so I'm by no means an expert. But if you've only experienced sexual attraction twice in your life, that certainly sounds graysexual. It sounds like you feel sexual attraction rarely or only under certain circumstances, which is often how gray-asexual is defined.

 

As far as smell being an important factor to you, it's not that unusual. Smell is a part of attraction. It's the whole reason that the perfume and cologne industries exist - to make people smell appealing or desirable. In nature, there are animals that use pheromones and scents to attract mates so it's not unheard of for humans to do the same. Smell might not be the most important part of attraction for everyone but it's not that bizarre.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am 28 and recently concluded than I am grey- specifically demi. There are plenty of people who don't have sex, but I don't have sex because I rarely think about it. I've been single for all but 3 months of my adult life. I mean, I do think about sex. I kind of have a high libido and I honestly like porn a lot. That was a big sticking point for me. How can I be asexual when I can clearly be aroused by looking at naked people? It's complicated but it's not like there are rules. I accept at face value that there is room for lots of difference in (gr)asexual experience. You can get lost in the trees when you're grey because all sexual feeling is suspect when you're trying to prove a negative to yourself.

 

You don't have to prove it. Unless you are experiencing significant distress from the lack of action in your sex life, you don't need to worry about it. If, on the other hand, something is really bothering you about it then talk to someone who knows what they're talking about like a therapist.

 

I kept expressing frustration to a friend that I could never find anyone interesting enough to want to date them.

I thought maybe I was shallow or dysfunctional because of pornography use. Sometimes I still wonder, but I've decided that even if porn has had an effect on my sexual health, that doesn't explain the totality of my experience. 

I started to think that I was too much of a snob. I am an academic in professional ambition so sometimes my interests are a bit too obscure to relate to people with more conventional interests. I hated myself for being so picky. I knew that I was capable of sexual and romantic feelings. I'm not a virgin after all. But why oh why do I find it so difficult to find people interesting enough for any kind of intimate relationship? Even one good night out? 

 

I disliked myself because I didn't understand myself. But I learned more about the asexuality spectrum and it feels refreshing to have a framework in which to make sense of my experience. When I'm tempted to be self-conscious about never getting a date, I remind myself that I never even wanted a date and that I am happy and proud to be ace. 

 

Maybe I'll find a relationship some day after connecting with someone really special. But until then, my default mode is single and sexless and I am super okay with that because that's me and I like being me. I like being aspec because loving myself feels so much better than beating myself up.

 

I've got a lot of energy about this stuff right now. I've been thinking about it a lot and I've started wearing some pride merch. Being out about it is affirming both to myself and to others who maybe haven't realized yet that they are asexual too.

 

Its up to you man. If graysexual fits, then it's yours. There are no ace verification police. If you're in your 30s and can count love interests on half a hand, it's fair to consider asexuality as a possibility. It's up to you man. I choose grey/demi because it fits for me. You don't have to choose a label at all. But wherever you land, my only advice is remember to accept yourself every step of the way.

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