I’m a Grey-A?

[LavenderBBGirl]

I’m crying as I realize what I’ve been most of my life. I’m sad that I have forced myself to be sexual for acceptance and to seem normal when it mostly felt like I was violating myself. When I first heard the term asexual years and years ago, I tuned into it but thought that can’t be me because I still have sex and I’m not completely repulsed by it, and I LOVE romance and companionship. Not realizing it can be more complex than that. More specifically I’m pretty sure I’m greysexual. I’ve been wanting to have sex for various reasons, ie, just to show I am normal, or to procreate, and sometimes, very few but I do want that physical closeness that sex gives. But I feel very low want/desire and barely any sexual attraction. I still want intimacy but I don’t want it to lead to sex most if not all of the time. I’ll gladly have sex in the beginning to show that I desire a person and because I do want to be desired. Like I want them to want me and my body but in a different way??? To be wanted and attractive as a whole being? Plus there are  times where I genuinely wanted to have sex but that strong desire hasn’t pulled me the way it does others. Usually it involves other feelings of proving myself, wanting to make sure the other person knows I want them or wanting to fix that “broken” part of myself. I’ve even joined the online sex worker community to prove to myself that I’m sexual and “sexy”, it was so forced and didn’t work. I just became obsessed with the logistics of being a sex creator. Im 31 and this is the first I’ve said this “out loud”, it’s bringing up a lot of feelings that are hard to process. I feel like I avoid physical intimacy with my husband even though I desire to be close and touched I just don’t want it to necessarily lead to sex, or maybe there is another type of sex that isn’t oral, or hand or kissing or rubbing or intercourse??? I don’t know. Once in the act of sex specifically foreplay I can get into it. I’m still so confused and I want to share this and be open so I can be more comfortable with my self but I’m honestly so so so so so scared. I especially don’t want my partner to feel like I don’t want them because that is the furthest from the truth and I also don’t want them to leave me because I think I’ll be like this forever. I don’t think I can change this part of me, I’ve tried everything under the Sun to be “normal” and feel “normal” but I’ve always been this. Just needed to share somewhere.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Welcome to the site @LavenderBBGirl 🍰
🤗
 

1 hour ago, LavenderBBGirl said:

I feel like I avoid physical intimacy with my husband even though I desire to be close and touched I just don’t want it to necessarily lead to sex

I totally understand this since I've felt the same. I'm sensual but not sexual, so I like physical intimacy but not really what's sexual that much. I like caresses, cuddling, sweet kisses, closeness in general, and more. For me those things are intimate in themselves, and it's a main way for how I share love and affection .

Personally I don't like the term 'foreplay', because it assumes that it's something done to lead up to sex. To me non-sexual intimacy is the peak so it's not meant to lead there :P.


Hope knowing you're not alone will help somehow 😊

[EntireSunset]

Sending a lot of love from here to you ❤️ I can relate A LOT to what you SAID. I also always struggled with looking for intimacy but not wanting the sex part but going along with it cause I thought this was what I was supposed to feel and 'should' want as an adult in a romantic relationship. But in the end, like you, I mostly felt so violated... 

 

I hope that at some point you will be able to accept that you ARE normal and valid and wonderful just the way you are. 

I can practically feel your pain and I wish I could give you a big hug. I hope that you find some reassurance here. ❤️

[MarRister]

I’d suggest reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, if that isn’t something that has come across your radar.
 

Desire and attraction don’t present in the same ways for everyone. You may just experience more responsive desire and have a lower libido. But regardless of the why, I think the best thing to do is to do your best to understand your own drives, and the things that lead you to desire and the things that don’t or even put you off and communicate that openly with your partner. Maybe ask your partner to take a break from sex for a while and just focus on other areas of intimacy so you can do that without the expectation that it will turn into sex and see how that affects your levels of desire and attraction. Sometimes the pressure of expectation alone can be enough to be a turnoff.