Asexual but not always…?

[Musy Suzy]

Hello, so I’m always telling people I just don’t find men physically attractive. I have a high libido though, and I am hetero for sure. I do want to get physical with men sometimes, when there’s a certain connection, and a period of sexual activity might follow, and I enjoy that, but I have not been in love with these men. Generally, I would say I have never been in a relationship with someone I’m in love with, and I’m sure more physical attraction would be key to having, or entering, a relationship. However. At 42 I fell head over heels for a man in the physical sense. I just wanted him so badly, it’s like the pendulum swang (swung? swinged?) all the way to the other side, it was insanely intense and lasted for years. Unfortunately the man in question is married so it ended, but it was such a different experience for me. Can anyone relate? 

[Ceebs]

I'm not sure where asexuality comes into any of that...?

[Musy Suzy]

If you left out the part where I had a totally different experience at 42, would that sound asexual to you? 
It has always been a real problem for me to find a partner because I just don’t feel I want to have the sexual relationship. It’s been really distressful because I had wanted to have children/ a family life. I watch women around me have relationships with men they like, but I can not get my head around how having a sexual relation can follow from liking someone. I don’t want to have sex with my female friends who I think are wonderful, and I don’t want to have sex with men, just because I like them.

[Ceebs]

What you're describing sounds aromantic to me, but not asexual. You have a history of seeking out and enjoying sex with men, but you haven't ever been in love. Being sexual doesn't come down to whether you think people are sexy or hot or whatever. Sexual people experience varying degrees of attraction based on physical appearance, from very little to quite a lot. Not all sexual people are highly visual, and it sounds like that's you with the exception of this guy you met at 42. 
 

I can't tell you for certain what your sexuality is, no one can... but yeah, that sounds to me like being aromantic and heterosexual, with very little importance placed on appearance.

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

I'm breaking the text for me to understand, so it's something like this:

 

• I am hetero
• I have a high libido
• I want to get physical with men sometimes
• A period of sexual activity might follow, and I enjoy that
• I have not been in love with these men
• I have never been in a relationship with someone I’m in love with
• more physical attraction would be key
• I fell head over heels for a man in the physical sense. I just wanted him so badly

 

So, you rarely find men attractive and rarely fall in love, right? I'm not sure, but if I was you, I'll search for: demiromantic sexual or aro spectrum and sexual. I can't tell if you are this or that because, clearly, I can't, I'm just suggesting reading that to check if that fits you.

 

[Musy Suzy]

Isn’t falling in love sexual attraction, really? 

I mean, I know some people want sex with people they find good-looking or sexy, but I can’t relate to that at all.

 

[RileyA]

Personally esthetic appeal doesn't equal sex appeal. I have some niche needs and it's almost as if I'm conditioned not to feel much attraction from the waist down until I've assured compatibility on that level. So it isn't as easy as seeing someone beautiful and wanting to have sex with them. 

[Musy Suzy]

@ceebs

I don’t seek out sex anymore, that was more a thing I did when I was younger and to be honest alcohol wast mostly involved. I do really really want a romantic relationship and have met men I felt I could have lived with and have a family with, but there was just not the slightest attraction physically, and it just makes me feel I might as well try to fall in love with a female friend, it just won’t work. 
Therefore I feel my problem (because in my case it really is a problem) is a lack of sexual attraction. 
I could however indeed say I have a problem with falling in love. To me the two are the same. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

24 minutes ago, Musy Suzy said:

Isn’t falling in love sexual attraction, really? 

No, it isn't. A lot of asexuals may fall in love, but it still doesn't make them want to have sex with their prospective partner.

You seem to be assuming that love and sex must go hand in hand, and that despite having seen that it doesn't work this way for you. Just like that, love without sex is possible too and this is something people have to realise to stop imagining asexuals as "cold".

[Musy Suzy]

@everywhere and nowhere

Of course one can love a person without wanting sex with them.

Like the first stage of a relationship is not the same it is years later.

But I see no difference in a male or a female friend either. I don’t want sex with them unless there is that “more”. And that “more “ surely is sexual attraction? I do feel that for men sometimes, weakly.

In my language there are two different words for love. One for that first stage where you want to get married and be with that person forever, though in many cases you don’t know them yet, so how could this be love?

Then there is “real” love, which happens when you survive that first stage and want to continue with that person. 
Seems to me many asexuals go straight for the second phase. 
 

 

 

[Musy Suzy]

In response to everywhere and nowhere’s post I must say I can’t understand what it could possibly mean to fall in love with a person and not want sex with them. It sounds like friendship to me, where you take that friendship to another, committed, level.
(I really mean no disrespect, just trying to understand different perspectives in order to understand mine).

 

 

[Guest]

Asexuality is a lack of an innate drive to engage in sex with other people for pleasure.

 

It sounds more like you are describing being aromantic?

 

You seem to have the drive to connect sexually with others, but less romantic drive (and yes they are separate things)

 

[Musy Suzy]

What do you make of headlines such as : “bad news: there is no such thing as love at first sight, it’s actually sexual attraction “

This, some time ago, was published in a newspaper. To me that was like “DUH!”- do you relate?

 

[Geekykitty]

19 minutes ago, Musy Suzy said:

In response to everywhere and nowhere’s post I must say I can’t understand what it could possibly mean to fall in love with a person and not want sex with them. It sounds like friendship to me, where you take that friendship to another, committed, level.
(I really mean no disrespect, just trying to understand different perspectives in order to understand mine).

 

 

It is definitely possible to love someone without wanting sex with them. And its also possible to desire sex with someone without feeling any love for them. 

 

3 hours ago, Musy Suzy said:

I do want to get physical with men sometimes, when there’s a certain connection, and a period of sexual activity might follow, and I enjoy that, but I have not been in love with these men

It sounds like you are a sexual person just going by what you say here. You seem to be desiring sex with some men?? That is sexual attraction. Being sexually attracted to someone/desiring sex says nothing about whether you love them or not. Its fine if you want to have and enjoy sex with people but don't necessarily love them or want a relationship with them.

[Geekykitty]

3 hours ago, Musy Suzy said:

At 42 I fell head over heels for a man in the physical sense. I just wanted him so badly, it’s like the pendulum swang (swung? swinged?) all the way to the other side, it was insanely intense and lasted for years.

Sounds like sexual attraction to me ?

[Geekykitty]

4 minutes ago, Musy Suzy said:

What do you make of headlines such as : “bad news: there is no such thing as love at first sight, it’s actually sexual attraction “

This, some time ago, was published in a newspaper. To me that was like “DUH!”- do you relate?

 

Yes I would agree, I don't think you can truly love someone you only just see. You could feel some physical or sexual type attraction, or some other interest in them, but I wouldn't call it love. How can it be love when you don't even know their personality? If someone thinks its love then its probably more that they're in love with the idea of who they think that person is, like who they imagine and want them to be, but not who they truly are.

[Musy Suzy]

@Major West

I don’t think I’m aromantic. Because that sounds like people still want to have sex with others despite no romantic feelings, and that’s not me at all. 
I deeply miss being able to connect with a man sexually, because I really would like to build a relationship from that starting point. Which I must admit does not really sound like the definition of asexual. I guess I thought I might be because I think that sexual attraction should just switch on (much, much, much) more often than it does. I feel like that switch is just generally off.

 

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Musy Suzy said:

@Major West

I don’t think I’m aromantic. Because that sounds like people still want to have sex with others despite no romantic feelings, and that’s not me at all. 
I deeply miss being able to connect with a man sexually, because I really would like to build a relationship from that starting point. Which I must admit does not really sound like the definition of asexual. I guess I thought I might be because I think that sexual attraction should just switch on (much, much, much) more often than it does. I feel like that switch is just generally off.

 

yeah that's how I feel too, but oh gosh when the switch is on for me it's very on, hehe

[Geekykitty]

11 minutes ago, Musy Suzy said:

guess I thought I might be because I think that sexual attraction should just switch on (much, much, much) more often than it does. I feel like that switch is just generally off.

I'm sure its normal for sexual people to not feel sexually attracted all the time to everyone. You might only occassionally feel sexual attraction and only to certain people which I think is normal?? Sure some people might have higher libidos and probably want sex alot and desire lots of people. Its probably like a spectrum with these people at one end and then others more like yourself who maybe feel sexual attraction to only a few specific people at the other end. I still wouldn't say thats asexual though. Maybe you would prefer the term greysexual, thats kinda in between sexual and asexual? 

 

15 minutes ago, Musy Suzy said:

I deeply miss being able to connect with a man sexually

Asexual people wouldn't really feel this. We don't long for a sexual connection with anyone

[Musy Suzy]

24 minutes ago, Geekykitty said:

Sounds like sexual attraction to me ?

Yes, definitely! I find it strange it has only happened to me once though. Hence why I think I’m asexual but not always 

[Musy Suzy]

Ok so from these conversations I guess I don’t fall in the asexual category at all… Hm I would really like to find people who can relate, as I definitely feel it to be “abnormal “. It just really confuses me to see people sign up for dating sites and have a match by the time they’ve been on 10 dates. HOW CAN THIS BE is generally how I feel. I’ll have a go in the grey-sexual category. Thanks for all your replies!! 
 

[Philip027]

2 hours ago, Musy Suzy said:

I deeply miss being able to connect with a man sexually, because I really would like to build a relationship from that starting point. Which I must admit does not really sound like the definition of asexual.

Correct; it really does not.

 

Quote

I guess I thought I might be because I think that sexual attraction should just switch on (much, much, much) more often than it does. I feel like that switch is just generally off.

Nah, there's variance to these things.  But if it's something that really has you feeling alienated from typical sexual folk, that's one of the reasons the graysexual umbrella exists.

[Musy Suzy]

3 hours ago, Major West said:

yeah that's how I feel too, but oh gosh when the switch is on for me it's very on, hehe

Yes! Indeed! So do you then identify as asexual anyhow?

[Musy Suzy]

59 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Nah, there's variance to these things.  But if it's something that really has you feeling alienated from typical sexual folk, that's one of the reasons the graysexual umbrella exists.

It really does make me feel like an alien

[rebis]

On 9/17/2022 at 10:07 AM, Musy Suzy said:

It really does make me feel like an alien

Hey, fwiw, what you're saying makes sense to me. It does seem like "greysexual" is probably the label that fits best, but I completely get why "asexual but not always" feels more accurate ... I mean, it probably is, given it is the way it subjectively feels to you, which is the whole point ... but translating that for others probably just makes graysexual the simpler route to go.

 

Anyway, I think I can relate to your experience. I am 49, and I'd say I have experienced real attraction/chemistry/connection once, maybe twice. Which would be fine I suppose, if either of those had been like a marriage or committed relationship lasting years or something, but lol nope. I also think I can relate to how isolated and alien this subjective experience can make you feel.  The fact that you can be sexual, however rarely the likelihood, that you are able to enjoy sex with another person, and would ideally like a relationship that could include sex -- all of that makes you not asexual, yet meanwhile, you have gone your entire life just somehow not quite feeling what all the people around you seem to be feeling so much easier. 

 

It is even allowing that relationships are not easy, if you've gone literal decades mostly able to imagine what it's like more than really experience sexual attraction -- again, I think I understand why you "feel" asexual. I kind of do, too. But yeah, my lived experience ... just doesn't match what "asexual" really means. Asexual-adjacent? Well, I suppose graysexual works.

 

In any event, welcome to AVEN. You don't need to be asexual to hang and be all educated and visible.   🍰 

[Musy Suzy]

Hey Rebis, finally someone who gets it! I guess there should be a whole different name for it, though greysexual probably fits as the umbrella- term. I once came up with a name for it, forget what it was now, though I was pretty pleased with it 😂😛
 

[EmeraldIce]

10 hours ago, Musy Suzy said:

In response to everywhere and nowhere’s post I must say I can’t understand what it could possibly mean to fall in love with a person and not want sex with them. It sounds like friendship to me, where you take that friendship to another, committed, level.
(I really mean no disrespect, just trying to understand different perspectives in order to understand mine).

It means you're deeply attached to them and want to be with them and build a life together. It doesn't mean you want to have sex with them.

 

To me (a sex-neutral asexual), sex simply doesn't feel like it adds much to a relationship. In fact, quite the opposite, because enjoying sex and focusing on my partner's presence to me are mutually exclusive things that interfere with each other. I love cuddling and being all touchy-feely, but if I'm fully focused on enjoying my partner's presence and touch, I literally cannot be sexually aroused because my attention and energy are being pulled to enjoy his presence and touch, and not into being sexual. If, on the other hand, I put my energy into being sexually aroused, I will have to dissociate from my partner's presence, which leads to me acting all spacy and makes it a less fulfilling experience for him. To me, cuddling and kissing and teasing and other expressions of intimacy are many, many times more intimate and enjoyable than sex. While I'm not averse to sex, I also just don't find it an intimate or necessary experience.

[VanishingLady]

What you're describing sounds like demisexuality to me (which is what I am as well). You can have a high libido but still be demi/asexual. The words that jumped out to me was that you require a certain connection before you want to commence with the sexy times. Take a gander at this resource and see if it sounds like you: What is Demisexuality? The Gray Area forum has discussions about demisexuality as well.

 

 

[jay williams]

On 9/17/2022 at 4:34 PM, EmeraldIce said:

It means you're deeply attached to them and want to be with them and build a life together. It doesn't mean you want to have sex with them.

 

To me (a sex-neutral asexual), sex simply doesn't feel like it adds much to a relationship. In fact, quite the opposite, because enjoying sex and focusing on my partner's presence to me are mutually exclusive things that interfere with each other. I love cuddling and being all touchy-feely, but if I'm fully focused on enjoying my partner's presence and touch, I literally cannot be sexually aroused because my attention and energy are being pulled to enjoy his presence and touch, and not into being sexual. If, on the other hand, I put my energy into being sexually aroused, I will have to dissociate from my partner's presence, which leads to me acting all spacy and makes it a less fulfilling experience for him. To me, cuddling and kissing and teasing and other expressions of intimacy are many, many times more intimate and enjoyable than sex. While I'm not averse to sex, I also just don't find it an intimate or necessary experience.

I love what you say here. This essentially describes how I have always felt, although there was a time that I would get aroused while cuddling and such, and then the arousal would subside, and it would go off and on. It felt so intimate, but NEVER felt any desire for the act of sex. The sex act was a bring down for me, and something I always dreaded. Of course, anymore, I very seldom experience arousal, which I believe is probably a good thing.