It it possible to become aromantic?

[Monke Jimmy]

For those who read it wrong, I know it's possible to become aromatic. 

 

I think it's been about 10 months since I last liked someone, and I don't know if I will again. 

Last year I thought I was romantically attracted to someone, but I could tell that it was a lot less strong than it had been for other people. I don't know if it was situational or gets less intense with time or what. 

Recently I felt something very similar, except even weaker. I spent months building up a friendship. I thought she was cute and wanted to get to know her more. However, when it became clear that we were pretty good pals over text, that stopped. I don't want to date her, and I wouldn't even mind if we never saw each other again, as long as we're friends. I also realized that this is probably what would have happened last year if the other person was better at being a friend. So maybe it wasn't romantic at all, and I was just lonely and in need of a legit support system. 

 

Now you might be thinking that it's pretty obvious that I'm just aromantic and have aesthetic/platonic attraction, but that's not all. 

Pre-pandemic (3+ years ago) I had a couple real crushes. Now, I KNOW these were crushes. I felt the compulsion to ask them out and be near them all the time, and the feeling took over my life for those months that it existed. I even went started dating somebody and I was super happy to do so until she broke up with me. I know that who you've been attracted to in the past probably dictates your identity, but this was a lifetime ago. I feel like a completely different person. 

 

My crushes involved such a big feeling that I'm kind of mourning it now. It's like not being able to enjoy Christmas the way you used to as a kid (for those aware of that phenomenon). Nowadays I'll feel aesthetic attraction and it will just bring me back to what I went through in high school. Maybe it's because I'm 19 and at the end of puberty, or maybe it's because all those past experiences had a bad outcome, or maybe it's just my situation and I'll feel it again in a few years, in which case putting "aromantic" on social media would be counterproductive. 

 

In conclusion, I kind of want to identify as just aromantic now, but I have strong feelings about what I felt in high school. I feel like it would be weird to identify as aromantic when I have such an emotional response to relationships, etc. Does anyone have a similar experience? Did I just completely miss something somewhere? Or is this just normal for romantics and I'm just being sad? This is also scary and confusing, so please be nice. 

[MarRister]

I know I've had long stretches with no interest in anyone, how long though I would not be able to say. Definitely stretches over a year or more though. I think in part it had to do with my own headspace and who I happened to be socializing with. 

 

Sometimes people just don't grab your interest, don't think there is anything too unusual about that, not even for seemingly long stretches of time. It also certainly isn't unusual  to lose crush feelings over time getting to know someone. Crushes are often from a more superficial level (also mostly built on infatuation which can feel really intense but is kind of a fool's gold in that it can easily make you think it is something more than it turns out to be), so you often can't tell if the person is someone you want a romantic relationship with or not until you get to know them better. This is why people date before getting into relationships because you can use the time to kind of sus things out better, see if the romantic feelings last or if incompatibilities show up. 

 

I think if you still think in your head, should you meet someone tomorrow you develop those romantic feelings for again, and based on that would want to try and get to know them better and potentially want a relationship, then I think you are likely not done with feeling romantic feelings towards others. Sometimes we all just fall into 'dry spells' or quiet times. 

[Monke Jimmy]

6 minutes ago, MarRister said:

Sometimes we all just fall into 'dry spells' or quiet times. 

So, I guess then the question would be how long a "dry spell" has to be for it to be unusual. This makes sense, but I feel like the fact that my romantic identity has gone through a blender as I've gone through puberty makes things seem muddier. 

 

9 minutes ago, MarRister said:

if you still think in your head, should you meet someone tomorrow you develop those romantic feelings for again, and based on that would want to try and get to know them better and potentially want a relationship, then I think you are likely not done with feeling romantic feelings towards others

I honestly don't know what that would even look like. I guess I'll just have to be patient and see. 

[MarRister]

I will say that I do think crushes have become less intense for me and less frequent as I've gotten older. I honestly don't even really like the feeling of them now, they can feel really fun and exciting, but also make me feel a bit crazy, and I hate not knowing where I stand with someone when I feel that way about them. With more confidence in myself now, I'll not let it build up into this intense fantasy but actually work on getting to know them and/or letting them know I am interested and seeing where that heads. I want the excitement of building a real and deep connection with someone, not a one sided crush. Romantic feelings don't have to be and aren't always as intense as a crush feels and the degree of infatuation is not a good indicator of romantic success. 

 

I know when I did get into these so called 'dry spells' I would start getting a bit insecure about it almost. Like start thinking I would be incapable of being in a relationship, or am somehow incapable of feeling that way towards someone. And I have in the past gotten worried, that like, oh, that was it, I guess this is the way I am now and I get the distress behind that feeling. But it just seemed like every time that happened, eventually someone would come into my life that would spark it all back up again, and I'd be like oh yeah, I can feel this. It has happened a number of times for me now, I get less worried about my abilities to feel that, and instead if it is something I crave, then I try and make an effort to put myself out there more with new people, in new social situations (if I have the energy for it). Because I figure now, that it is about meeting people who spark that, not my ability to feel it. 

[Philip027]

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I think it's been about 10 months since I last liked someone, and I don't know if I will again. 

Not even close to being long enough to make a relatively safe determination one way or the other.

 

Your post gives me the impression of someone desperately trying to chase a high.  Unfortunately, rushing things probably won't give you the high you seek.  Romantic people aren't necessarily falling for people constantly left and right.  I've gone for years before without feeling anything new for anyone new.

[SilenceRadio]

1 hour ago, Monke Ilahi said:

I know that who you've been attracted to in the past probably dictates your identity, but this was a lifetime ago. I feel like a completely different person. 

2 hours ago, Monke Ilahi said:

maybe it's just my situation and I'll feel it again in a few years, in which case putting "aromantic" on social media would be counterproductive.

1 hour ago, Monke Ilahi said:

So, I guess then the question would be how long a "dry spell" has to be for it to be unusual.

2 hours ago, Monke Ilahi said:

I kind of want to identify as just aromantic now, but I have strong feelings about what I felt in high school. I feel like it would be weird to identify as aromantic when I have such an emotional response to relationships, etc.

I imagine that you mean "romantic relationships" rather than simply "relationships", since it's not all too uncommon for aros to feel strongly about some of their nonromantic relationships.

 

You're making a lot of assumptions about identity—not that they're bad at all if you want to apply them to yourself! But it seems like you'd rather want to ID as aro rather than not, so I'll try to suggest stuff around that.

 

First of all, who you've been attracted to in the past doesn't have to dictate your identity if you don't want it to. I know some aros who switch between "grayromantic" and "aromantic" depending on which one fits more at the current moment. Similarly, I've seen on this forum people who used to experience attraction, but don't anymore, and ID as ace/aro. Some people might be "technically demiromantic", but identify much more with "aromantic". If you feel like a different person, then you can change the way you identify: there aren't any rules.

 

Romantic orientation doesn't have to be based on attraction, and in fact one aro post that stood out to me during my questioning was this post from James on how gatekeeping aromantic identity based on romantic attraction was counterproductive. Part of the reason why is because the aro community is often interested in dissecting what "romance" and "romantic attraction" are and in emphasizing how socially constructed they are. So there's a lot of aromantic people who don't fit the "never experienced any romantic attraction" definition (and there are even some who do experience romance to some degree, but feel much more alienated by it and therefore call themselves aro).

 

You've mentioned that the question would be how "unusual" your experience has to be before you could consider IDing as aro, and I don't think it's a bad question by any means. But identity isn't based just on your actual feelings: it's also based on how you interpret those feelings:

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This, btw, is my general response to discourse-flavoured “but that’s just NORMAL, that’s how everyone feels, you’re not SPECIAL” malarky - even if it is, the fact that I still don’t feel normal is pretty significant to my identity, because identities are just as much about our interpretation of our feelings, and the context in which that interpretation happens, as the feelings themselves.

For example, it's not unusual for a 18-years-old like me to not have had experienced romantic attraction "yet". But someone's "that isn't unusual" can be someone else's "that's unusual". And even if it was seen as completely normal by everyone, I have the right to identify a certain way, even if it might be temporary. I can prioritize the person that I am now rather than my future self. I've gone through multiple "phases" of identifying with one label and then stopping to do that, and I don't think it was counterproductive of me. It's something that I cherish, rather than see as "just a phase" or "how wrong I was". Your orientation doesn't have to be what you were and are always going to be. It's not the one and only way to approach identity. There's probably some grayros and aromantics who've had a past where they had experienced strong feelings for others, and they're not any less aro now.

 

Asking myself "but am I 'alienated by romance' enough to ID with a label that's about feeling alienated from romance?" feels contrived. I don't really care about how normal my experience is, in the end. Identifying as aro, to me, makes more sense than not, which is why I do it.

[Sally]

I don't think you really "become" anything different, as in changing -- it's the same you all your life.  As with cellular issues, you may express something at one point in your life and express something else at another point.  And you also may express the same thing all your life.  You really can't tell at one point how you will feel at another point.   I know now that I have been asexual all my life, and since I have, I think it's highly likely that I'll continue to be asexual.  

 

As far as crushes, the only crushes I had were as a teenager.  I just can't relate to crushes as an adult, so speaking of romantic feelings as a crush doesn't  make sense to me.  

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Crushes are overrated. It's really about whether or not you can like someone in a romantic way, like want to be close to them and be important to each other and stuff like that.

 

When I had some bad relationships some years ago, I just didn't want anything to do with them for a long time, maybe over a year. I still knew I was romantic though, it's just needed not to for a while xD.

 

That said, I do think it's possible to change, I have when it comes to my sexual identity. I guess it really just depends what you think and know of yourself, at least sometimes.

[Terra Branford]

I'm not sure but I lean towards no. 

 

The last time I had a crush or feelings for someone was well over 10 years ago. I had what I thought were crushes when I was in MS/HS. However I believe those were due to pressure and expectation. Not legitimate feelings of closeness or curiosity. I had a bad habit of "falling in love with fantasies." Since I have gotten older, more logical, and more rational, romance has not really interested me and I haven't been remotely interested. What I don't know is if my grayromanticism/asexuality led to this or if I became this way due to finally accepting reality for what it is. It's hrad to say because I haven't really been attracted to people consistently. I also think staying completely single until/if someone else comes along is completely normal and honestly the most logical way to be. But everyone around me acts like that is unfathomable and that they have to fill in the dry space with dating and situatiationships. Sounds stressful but this is what a lot of people do apparently.