Jump to content

i'm scared of not being aromantic (OCD)


Recommended Posts

My entire life I had "crushes" that now that I take a look at the past, I can realize it was me getting those famous squishes for people. When I was younger I thought that everytime I had a best friend, it would mean I was crushing on them.

Months ago I discovered aromanticism and it makes so much sense to me, friendship has always been more important to me, but all of the sudden I'm starting to doubt myself, I'm getting thoughts about "what if I'm in love with my best friend", this didn't happen to me when I was first meeting her, now we became so close that right now we can call eachother "besties", so... I don't know, I'm really scared of having a crush on her, it's literally so anxiety-inducing, I cry, I want to throw up everytime I think about it, I even came as close as having thoughts about ending everything.

I don't know if this is the best place to ask for help but I'm really freaking out about it.
I swear I wouldn't want to be her partner, I wouldn't want to look at her as anything else but as a friend, I don't even care that she has a boyfriend, I simply couldn't care less about the people she wants to date, it doesn't hurt me, but my mind just doesn't shut up.
Actually, this happened with another best friend too.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

oml this is the most relatable thing and it sucks so much. i really dont know how to deal with it myself but maybe just let u know that ur not alone. maybe dont try as hard to suppress those thoughts. that makes the thought come back more often and make u even more anxious than before.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, idontknowaaaa said:

really? would you mind if i messaged you? thank you for your answer :(it helps knowing i'm not alone

ofc i dont mind! go ahead, fr glad im not alone as well

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 10 months later...
hey.its.simone

hey I don’t know if this is too late, but I have also been dealing with this stuff too. I have identified as aroace for about two years now and I built up so much of my identity and future around it because it took so long for me to accept it. Today a random (polite) guy just started talking to me in front of his friends and it took me a couple minutes to realize he was trying to flirt with me. I shut him down and walked away because I didn’t even know him, but it was such an ego boost to think that someone thought I was pretty. I don’t want or expect it to go anywhere, but the validation felt amazing. I also have been sometimes thinking that guys are cute/objectively attractive and I want to be friends with them. Sometimes I don’t know if it is a crush or not because I sometimes might not think that I would mind kissing them or whatever. I’ve never been in a relationship before or kissed anyone. I built my visions for the future around being aroace, like how I would save all my money and get a cute apartment and travel and only ever have to worry about myself. When I get these feelings  I am scared that they are crushes and my entire world as I designed it will crumble apart. That sounds lowkey so dramatic but I’m just so scared. Thoughts? I need some opinions from people like me haha. How did you guys deal with it? Also it’s 11:11 make a wish!

 

oh also (sorry for taking up all the reply space in your post 😭) I’m scared of flirting unintentionally or experimentally because I don’t want for the recipient to catch feelings for me. I’m so so scared of breaking someone’s heart that I usually ice people out if I think they like me. Not a great social tactic ik. I just don’t want to  lead them on yk?

Link to post
Share on other sites
SilenceRadio

I've occasionally wondered whether some of my feelings were romantic and/or crushes, but I've never been someone who was interested in romantic relationships, so I haven't struggled as much in that department. Even more recently, I was more worried that my feelings about someone were too obsessive, rather than that they were romantic. So my situation might not have had much to do with yours. With that said:

 

It's up to you how you want to conceptualize your feelings, and their significance.

 

What a crush "is" is widly subjective. If you ask twenty people about it, you'll get twenty different answers. You might find some common ground between multiple people but it's probably not going to be universal. And, even if you divide the parts of what makes a crush a crush for someone, individually it might not mean much ("consistently thinking about someone" isn't always crush-related). Some aros consider themselves to have (nonromantic) crushes. A crush isn't this tangible item with specific properties that look the same in everyone. Some people feel more comfortable with calling some of the feelings they have for others "crushes" and some, like me, don't. A few weeks ago, I had found this particular definition of "romantic attraction" that really explained how I felt about romantic stuff: "feel[ing] comfortable [with] placing that close relationship you have/want to have in the cultural context of a romantic relationship." Romantic relationships don't appeal to me. There's a lot of socially expected things attached to them (wedding, potentiality for sex, romantic gestures, kissing, children, monogamy and being tied to someone like that...) that go against what I want in my life, and even though I could have a non-normative romantic relationship after somehow managing to find a compatible person, there's nothing that's inside romantic relationships that I couldn't find in the relationships I have with my friends, my family members and online communities. I mean, I feel there's a point where the duck stops walking like the ducks people around me tend to see, and where I might as well not call it a duck if it means having less wrong assumptions attached to it.

 

So to me, it doesn't really make much sense to consider any of my feelings "romantic" or "crushes" when I don't want a romantic relationship. Some people might feel differently, of course, and still call their own feelings those things even though they might not ever seek a romantic relationship. If they do, that still doesn't mean that those feelings have to be significant. In cultures where you're (usually) expected to organize your adult life around one romantic relationship (or at least looking for it), it does make sense that the set of feelings related to it would be considered important. But what the norm considers important doesn't have to align with what matters for you. If you have crushes, you do not have to act on them and/or start having romantic relationships. Your emotions don't have to dictate your future if you don't want them to. It's your feelings, after all. You can deal with them however you want, and they don't always have to say something deep about yourself.

 

14 hours ago, hey.its.simone said:

I shut him down and walked away because I didn’t even know him, but it was such an ego boost to think that someone thought I was pretty. I don’t want or expect it to go anywhere, but the validation felt amazing. I also have been sometimes thinking that guys are cute/objectively attractive and I want to be friends with them. Sometimes I don’t know if it is a crush or not because I sometimes might not think that I would mind kissing them or whatever. I’ve never been in a relationship before or kissed anyone.

Liking compliments is understandable. I know someone who would say that they experience crushes but who doesn't like kissing, so I'm not sure if it's necessarily a component of crushes. I've thought that some guys were cute too, and a big part of feeling defensive about my friendships with them has to do with how some people believe only same-gender friendships are real and not sexual (and because they tend to be more expected as well). Also, friends are friends, regardless of gender, so I've never seen my desire as anything out of the ordinary.

 

14 hours ago, hey.its.simone said:

I’m scared of flirting unintentionally or experimentally because I don’t want for the recipient to catch feelings for me. I’m so so scared of breaking someone’s heart that I usually ice people out if I think they like me. Not a great social tactic ik. I just don’t want to lead them on yk?

I don't have much experience on "leading on" people, but here's a post I read this month that's relevant.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...