Advice regarding Demisexuality and connection.

[Guest17]

Hi, I’m just looking for some advice really.

I know being Demisexual is pretty much linked to needing a connection for sexual or romantic attraction to happen. 
I know this has very little to do with libido or love. 
I know that I am in love with my husband, we have been together for 20 years and have only recently discovered we are both Demisexual, over 2 years ago. Because of that and not really knowing all these years I think it impacted our relationship. 
 

He hid the fact he felt differently in a sexual way as he was ashamed and embarrassed about his past before me, he felt very asexual and couldn’t really be with anyone, it was more just out of pressure, unfortunately this caused him a lot of trauma and depression. So, when we met he was confused because he started to experience all the things he never had before, falling in love, discovering he could want and desire sex and actually enjoy it for the first time. He had a really bad spiral as it made him have to face a lot of his past choices which left scares. But at the time he kept this to himself and just lied to me and over exaggerated his past, made it seem like everyone else. He was dealing with a lot of hurt and anger and confusion that he started to be really obsessive about these lies and made up stories about his past to the point it ruined a lot of our early relationship. 
 

As I didn’t know I was Demisexual either and he was my first relationship I didn’t really know how to deal with everything from him. I was very wary of guys before him as I didn’t want to have sex as I just couldn’t, I liked the idea of relationships and romance but I wanted to feel loved and safe first. At the start of our relationship we connected so deeply and felt more than ok to have sex with him. 
 

Obviously after a few times he started spiralling into this depression, I just thought he was having a life crises and was scared of being hurt. So I really wanted to show him I loved and wanted to be with him. 
 

Eventually things started to really hurt and he eventually stopped talking about his made up past, but he made me believe that he would always love someone else (first love and all that) and made me feel I was kind of his last chance of having a normal life. I feel I was really young and naive and just accepted things because I stupidly loved him. But I was still never able to regain that connection from the start, so sex become really difficult. I ended up only doing it for him and that was ok because I got the romance side I guess. 
 

We worked on things and got married and had a baby, I still believed everything he said until I met someone he was with before me, only for her to tell me the complete opposite of what he said. He wasn’t a nice person to be with and they were really unhappy, So after questioning my husband he had to admit that he lied, he made up stories to look normal but because of how hurt I was he decided to lie again and say he never had a past or had sex with anyone. I felt my trust in him break but again we worked through things. Sex although after 4 years I started to feel ok enough to start feeling sexual pleasure enough with him to enjoy things properly. 
 

I really craved affection and love so carried on having sex, it took years for me to be in a good place in our relationship but I still didn’t have that connection anymore, sex become difficult and it felt like I had to work really hard to make it work for me. 
 

We got on with our lives and although I was still hurt over our past I tried to move on, I wasn’t given space to really heal or anything as he wanted to forget everything and move on. I still had something in the back of my head so after 18 years together I asked him to be honest with me, I explained I was unhappy in our marriage and I still felt something was off.

 

He eventually told me the truth, about feeling broken and not being able to experience things like everyone else, had no interest in girls, no sexual desire or found anyone attractive. He explained about feeling pressured and forcing himself to be normal and have girlfriends, eventually feeling pressured to have sex. He said it was really awful and uncomfortable because he didn’t want to and because he felt no arousal or pleasure so it felt traumatic for him. He explained he couldn’t always do it and the few times he did he struggled. He said he kept trying to put it off but could see how annoyed they were getting and all he really cared about was making sure he wasn’t dumped as his family made him feel awful when he was. So it only happened after months of making excuses then once it happened it kind of showed them he couldn’t and it’s not what he wanted so they left anyway. He said he couldn’t kiss them properly, he never touched them in a sexual way and if they tried he would stop them or move away. There was no affection, love or anything between him or them so nothing lasted long. 
 

Although I completely understand and feel compassion for him as it sounds so awful to go through. I felt so angry and betrayed. Finding out that the only reason so much of our relationship was ruined because of the choices he made just broke my heart. 
 

I feel sex was ruined for me at the start of our relationship because of lies, only to find out it was actually ruined because he chose to have sex knowing it made him feel awful and didn’t want to. Rebuilding that trust after initially finding out he lied was so hard, I never fully regained that connection. To find out again that this was the real cause of all that pain, he let me believe for 14 years of our marriage that I was his first, I felt so betrayed by him.  Because we had been together so long and have a family I really wanted to try and fix this. 
 

So with everything out in the open, having therapy myself, seeing the change in him, like a weight has been lifted and he’s become this deeply loving, affection person that shows me everyday he loves, values and respects me. He’s held space for me to process everything, and shows me how much he regrets everything and wants to work on us. It’s been two years now, lots of hard work and talking.

 

Although the intimacy between us has improved and there are times I feel close enough to him so I can actually enjoy sex, there are still times I spiral into resentment, hurt and anger, like I am trying to have a healthy sex life with him but it’s damaging at the same time.

 

I worry that being Demisexual makes this situation much harder than it should be? Like once that connection especially with sex has been broken it’s gone and can’t be repaired. I love him as a person, we get on well and have a lovely family life. But this part of our relationship which has always been difficult for me seems to feel worse. He’s doing everything he can to build my trust in him, he makes sure I feel safe and valued in our relationship but it like it’s not enough anymore. 
 

Has anyone overcome a situation like this. My therapist says healing takes time but I don’t know if being Demisexual plays a part in this that makes it so much harder to heal. 

 

 

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

Hi! Welcome to the site.

 

I'm kind of demisomething-whatever and I'm guessing that as everybody is different, we all will process things in a unique way. I believe (I'm not an expert in this matter) this has more to do with your whole personality/self (and there is nothing wrong with it) than with just one aspect of it (been demi). I guess also that time won't cure all, and you may have to work on accepting that the past is just the way it was, and keep trying to build from the present or just cut it in a healthy way. 

 

I have never experienced something like that, but I kind of was platonically in love of a close friend, as I was not loved back, several times through the years I cut the friendship (because it was not healthy for me), eventually they would seek me back years later again, and I would fell into the trap AGAIN! 🙄, it was not just the time away, it was more like rebuilding a friendship from zero, but my feelings for him would become strong again. At one point I realized I was hurt from things in the past, and that I was never going to be able to really love him, because there was this thing/feeling separating us, and that I had to forgive or to move on, again, for real. I'm not suggesting that you take those times away, as you have kids, but maybe you both can keep trying with your therapist to find ways to reconnect. I think it's possible.