Demiromantic but different

[eternalskies_]

I've been questioning my romantic orientation for a while now. I'm pretty sure it's demiromantic but kind of different. I will like someone romantically but I won't want to have a romantic relationship with them until I get to know them well, whereas demiromantic is you won't like someone romantically until you get to know them well (right?) Is there a label for it? I've scoured the internet and can't seem to find one.

[TormentDubz]

Yeah that sounds like demiromantic

[Ceebs]

Umm well most people don't enter into an actual relationship until they know someone fairly well. 'Going on some dates because we seem to get on' isn't the same as declaring you're in a relationship. I'm sure people exist who make commitments like that at the drop of a hat, but I've not known anyone like that myself. 'You're my significant other now even though we don't know each other much yet' just isn't a thing for most people, sexual and asexual alike.

[sirenian]

mmmm.  I appreciate what @Ceebssaid here, yet I think (?) that that response may have missed the point that @eternalskies_ was making.

If I understand the original question correctly, you're not saying merely that you don't want to enter into a formal romantic relationship with someone you don't yet know well, as Ceebs was saying is true for most people, but rather that you don't want to engage in the trappings of romantic relationships until you have a deeper relationship.  Is that right?  So, that is, you might casually find someone romantically attractive, but you wouldn't want to do date-like things with that person, or experiment with what having a romantic relationship with that person might be like, preferring instead just to pursue it as a normal friendship/normal casual relationship and let things proceed along that course, and then possibly (or possibly not) switch courses later once you're more sure of what that person is like and what your relationship is like?

 

If that's what you mean, then yeah, that does sound like it is not the most socially typical way to proceed at least in today's world, in most of the English speaking world, anyhow.  You're correct that many people do like to start dating and pushing the romantic envelope earlier.  To be honest, though, I'm not sure that just by virtue of not wanting to pursue a relationship along that kind of path means that a person would feel the need to describe themself as having a different kind of orientation.  One thing I think it's important to remember is that there are lots of different ways of pursuing relationships.  No one would ever say, upon reading  or watching a romance story between two straight characters, "well, that relationship developed  in a different way than most relationships I've seen, so those people in that story must not be straight like other people."  Rather, there is such a vast abundance of romance stories out there between straight couples that we just all kind of know that there are loads and loads of ways that romances develop, and loads and loads of ways that people pursue romantic relationships.  Because there are fewer portrayals of gay, to say nothing of ace relationships, there is maybe more of a focus in pop culture of there having to be certain stereotypical ways for them to progress, but if you take a step back, it doesn't makes sense to say that one's orientation should determine the trajectory through which a relationship they're in has to develop.

 

So, then, back to your situation.  Is what you're describing more like being a conventionally romantic person who just has a particular pacing that you prefer for how to pursue relationships, or is what you're describing more like being a demiromantic person who just maybe has an inkling that you will be attracted to someone sooner than you see as usual for other demiromantic folks?

I dunno.  Both seem like they could easily be possible interpretations of what you describe.  Does one feel more correct to you than the other?  In which case, go with it.  Does neither feel exactly correct to you?  That's okay, too.  I'd say, it's important to know, in any given circumstance, what you are and aren't comfortable with, but it's not really important to be able to find a pattern of someone else's experience that maps perfectly onto yours.  We're all going to have our own experiences and our own sensibilities, and those are gonna be determined at least to some extent separately from our orientations. 

[eternalskies_]

Yeah, that's what I meant. Thank you so much; it's helped so much