napoleonwrasse Posted September 13, 2022 Share Posted September 13, 2022 I have known I am ace for a long time. I'm out to most people (fortunately I live in a progressive community). I am looking for companionship or partnership of some kind but am in a bit of a pickle. I have feelings for my friend who is ace but 6.5 years younger than me (they are 22) and a roommate. I want to tell them but also do not want to ruin our friendship or make our living situation awkward particularly because we have other roommates. Also, the age gap is concerning because even though my friend acts older and is very mature, we are of different generations. I have never had feelings for anyone. I actually thought I was aro so it has been an interesting experience to say the least. I guess I just don't know if it's worth telling them. They value honesty and have a lot of trust in me which is rare for them. Therefore, I do not like lying by omission by not telling them how I really feel. Any advice would be appreciated. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah-Sylvia Posted September 13, 2022 Share Posted September 13, 2022 Hii. It's a complicated situation since youre roommates, but really it comes down to what you wanna do and if you're prepared/ok for whatever comes from it. I like honesty too so I think I'd find a good time to say it to them, unless i felt it wasn't a good period overall and didn't want to potentially complicate the relationship. I often lean towards sharing honestly. Just good to consider beyond saying it too,to make sure it's what you want. my thoughts anyway Welcome to the site, too 🌈 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
DemonicEnby Posted September 13, 2022 Share Posted September 13, 2022 Welcome around here. Hope to welcome a future active community member here. You are in a situation, where a decision is, sadly enough, necessary. Either you tell the other person - might include personal heartbreak, which I sadly am intimately familiar with. It might either involve telling someone or keeping it to yourself, it could end badly either way. Why either way? Well, imagine, you do not tell your sweetheart. It bloody hurts to watch them dating anybody else, without them knowing. Now, you took up your courage, having watched them a while anyway and having been in love anyway, so you ask them to date - they either say no or yes. No - well, no brainer, resulting in getting over / trying to get over them and experiencing heartbreak, as you will not be able to change their feelings. Hurts a bitch, but at least you have assurance what is up either way. Now follows the other example - please don't follow that one, I am literally speaking from personal experience and hoping against all reason (feeling wise, logically, and whatever else you might be able to name, I am at the current moment too drunk and too not-want-too-think-too-deeply-get's-too-dark-otherwise - * not further specified, too extensive otherwise * // To cut off a rant, fueled by personal shitty experiences (one part me not talking about intimate points soon enough) - not the sexual kind only, this one includes other intimate shit as well (e.g. past traumatic stuff and other things), talk about it. No, confessing alone doesn't do shit, that has no plan inclueded to go further or whatever. Point is, and forgive me not being very articulate, I have to admit i had a bloody shitty day and am at this moment slightly drunk. All in all, age doesn't matter much, if it did, I would never have been born either way (My dad was 18 years older than my mother. He died of cancer (found when cancer metastases where already prevalent, so he died. And my mum was his third wife or something (I think third, but forgive me not re-asking about the sex-life of my parents - urgh). Still, my point being, if going on a tangent, for whatever - it is really better to know, what their problem is. What ifs do never help sadly. And even if your answer is heartbreak - something broken is usually able to heal. It might take some time, but something unclear will be much more annoying and will be unhelpful in futere endeavors. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted September 14, 2022 Share Posted September 14, 2022 If you make your feelings known and they do not feel the same and are extremely uncomfortable with your feelings, then you not only must suffer that rejection but you will probably need to get a different roommate. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Queerdo Posted September 14, 2022 Share Posted September 14, 2022 Well, it depends. Realistically, how do you expect that confessing your affection would change the relationship? If it would cause distress or harm to everyone involved, sometimes it's best to keep these feelings private until they pass. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
napoleonwrasse Posted September 14, 2022 Author Share Posted September 14, 2022 Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the advice. I think if there is a moment where it just makes since I will try but I don’t think if I will go out of my way, at least while we are roommates. I also will think on it further before I do anything to ensure that it is not just a whim. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Reindeer Posted September 14, 2022 Share Posted September 14, 2022 6 hours ago, DemonicEnby said: Welcome around here. Hope to welcome a future active community member here. You are in a situation, where a decision is, sadly enough, necessary. Either you tell the other person - might include personal heartbreak, which I sadly am intimately familiar with. It might either involve telling someone or keeping it to yourself, it could end badly either way. Why either way? Well, imagine, you do not tell your sweetheart. It bloody hurts to watch them dating anybody else, without them knowing. Now, you took up your courage, having watched them a while anyway and having been in love anyway, so you ask them to date - they either say no or yes. No - well, no brainer, resulting in getting over / trying to get over them and experiencing heartbreak, as you will not be able to change their feelings. Hurts a bitch, but at least you have assurance what is up either way. Now follows the other example - please don't follow that one, I am literally speaking from personal experience and hoping against all reason (feeling wise, logically, and whatever else you might be able to name, I am at the current moment too drunk and too not-want-too-think-too-deeply-get's-too-dark-otherwise - * not further specified, too extensive otherwise * // To cut off a rant, fueled by personal shitty experiences (one part me not talking about intimate points soon enough) - not the sexual kind only, this one includes other intimate shit as well (e.g. past traumatic stuff and other things), talk about it. No, confessing alone doesn't do shit, that has no plan inclueded to go further or whatever. Point is, and forgive me not being very articulate, I have to admit i had a bloody shitty day and am at this moment slightly drunk. All in all, age doesn't matter much, if it did, I would never have been born either way (My dad was 18 years older than my mother. He died of cancer (found when cancer metastases where already prevalent, so he died. And my mum was his third wife or something (I think third, but forgive me not re-asking about the sex-life of my parents - urgh). Still, my point being, if going on a tangent, for whatever - it is really better to know, what their problem is. What ifs do never help sadly. And even if your answer is heartbreak - something broken is usually able to heal. It might take some time, but something unclear will be much more annoying and will be unhelpful in futere endeavors. I would think this would make your situation awkward wouldnt it? What if they reject you? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Neon Nighter-Rider Posted September 14, 2022 Share Posted September 14, 2022 11 hours ago, napoleonwrasse said: I have known I am ace for a long time. I'm out to most people (fortunately I live in a progressive community). I am looking for companionship or partnership of some kind but am in a bit of a pickle. I have feelings for my friend who is ace but 6.5 years younger than me (they are 22) and a roommate. I want to tell them but also do not want to ruin our friendship or make our living situation awkward particularly because we have other roommates. Also, the age gap is concerning because even though my friend acts older and is very mature, we are of different generations. I have never had feelings for anyone. I actually thought I was aro so it has been an interesting experience to say the least. I guess I just don't know if it's worth telling them. They value honesty and have a lot of trust in me which is rare for them. Therefore, I do not like lying by omission by not telling them how I really feel. Any advice would be appreciated. Honestly, unless if they're already in a relationship or if they've explicitly stated that they don't see you in that light, I don't really see any reason why you shouldn't confess. If they reject you, yes, it'll sting, but the alternative, just bottling up these feelings, from my experience, will just eat away at you in the long run. Plus, at least you'll have your answer instead of spending the rest of your life wondering "What If?" And take it from someone who's been rejected...a lot 😔, if they're really your friend, if they turn you down, things won't get awkward between you unless you make it awkward. Just don't act any differently around them as you did before, and everything will be fine. Also, a six year age difference really isn't that big of a deal if you're both in your 20s. Like, at all. I doubt most people would even bat an eye at that. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted September 16, 2022 Share Posted September 16, 2022 I think you should tell them, since you seem to be demiromantic, having developed surprise romantic feelings exactly once in 28 years for a friend you are already living with. However, you should be prepared to find other living arrangements. If you tell them and they react negatively, you may need to find somewhere else to live quickly. However, if you don't tell them you will probably become more and more obsessed with your feelings until you feel the need to tell them or leave. If you tell them and they respond positively and you start a relationship but later break up, you will need somewhere else to live. The moral is that roommate living arrangements in your 20's are inherently unstable and you should prepare a backup plan and then tell them. I do not think the six year age difference is a big deal in this situation. Your roommate is 22, an age at which many people are graduating from college and marrying or getting engaged. By this stage finding a compatible life partner is more important than only dating people within a year or two of their age. A six year age difference is not a different generation. Traditionally a generation is between 15 and 30 years, i.e. long enough that one partner could be mistaken for the other's parent. That is not even close to your situation. A few people claim that with the fast pace of technology and social change more than 10 years is a "social generation gap", but I'm not sure not knowing about the latest trends or technology will ruin an otherwise compatible relationship. Most likely the older partner will just have to endure some teasing. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
napoleonwrasse Posted September 16, 2022 Author Share Posted September 16, 2022 Thanks. Unfortunately I do not have alternate living plans right now so I think I will wait unless there is a moment that just makes sense. There there was an almost moment recently but I realized I am in a place of self confidence and readiness and they may not be. Also, the urge to be honest might only serve myself. In fact my question itself was rather self centered. I do not want to hurt them and I do not want to only think about my needs. So I will wait for a moment that seems right for them as much as me and not “almost” right. Taking a step back and thinking, I realized I let the shock of my romantic feelings override my want to be a good partner even if that means we are just friends. Thank you all for the advice. I really needed it to help kickstart my own reflection. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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