How do I figure out my gender?

[Ralnyra]

I'm a girl. I was born a girl, raised as a girl, and I've use she/her pronouns all my life. But whenever I'm called a girl, a woman, or my gender is listed on a form as female, it makes me feel a tiny bit uncomfortable. I've always been a bit of a tomboy, and I rejected many things seen as "girly". Makeup, dresses, nail polish? I wouldn't touch them. There were a good five years where I didn't own a single dress, and my parents needed to yell at me to make me brush my hair. At the time, I thought it was my way of rejecting sexism. "You think girls are weak? Well I, one random eleven year old, don't care about looking pretty. Take THAT, society!"

But now, I think it might have been me subconsciously not feeling entirely like a girl. However, I don't know how to actually figure out what my gender identity is. Demigirl? Agender? Confused teenager? None of the above? I have no idea.

[Philip027]

Would you say your discomfort is over being a girl specifically, or over the societal expectations placed upon being a girl? 

 

That's gender vs. gender roles, which isn't always the simplest thing to sort out.  I've been dealing with the same sort of thing myself for years.  One of the bigger differences I've come across though is that even a lot of perfectly cis people can still take big issue against the latter.  Not necessarily trying to suggest that you are cis, but just providing a point to consider.

 

The discomfort I have is almost entirely around gender roles.  Despite that though, I still don't feel strongly about being "a guy" in any way, nor do I feel strongly about wanting to be anything else -- which is why nowadays I pretty much consider myself agender at heart, but "male by convenience".  It doesn't bother me to be referred to as male (or anything else; I couldn't care less); I'm only bothered when people associate me with various "male" stereotypes (good or bad) just because I happen to be male.

[Guest]

Well personally as to my gender... I just expect to be seen a way I am not seen. That's how I knew I was transgender. I also expect my body and face to be different than it is, it's a feeling of being "off" more than anything else. 

 

I have a hard time labeling my gender because that's all there is to it. Sometimes I'm able to say, "I am a woman" but other times I have doubt and anxiety over it. So that's another thing that shows me my gender - that I want to be a woman. 

 

I don't really feel any kind of special feelings beyond that - just that what I see doesn't quite fit, how people interact with me makes me feel disconnected from socializing. As I came to learn I was a trans woman, I was able to better identify these feelings - I would not have been able to tell you this 6 years ago. 

[Kai142]

Seeing if you prefer other pronouns can be helpful, as well as experimenting with clothes, and seeing if you feel more like yourself or prefer being referred to by masculine or neutral terms. Looking into others experiences with gender dysphoria was helpful for me to figure out myself (I'm transmasculine) so maybe it'll help you too- there is many nice trans youtubers (eg Jammidodger :)
pronoun dressing room: http://www.pronouns.failedslacker.com/
guide to dysphoria and how to identify it: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/#introduction

[serpentyne]

Personally, when I started to suspect that my gender might not match up to what I was assigned at birth, I asked one of my friends who discovered their own gender identity (they at first identified as non-binary and then I think they're now identifying as agender) about how they found a label that worked for them/what they considered those gender identities to be like. I've always thought a good way to find out whether you identify as something is to find other people who identify as that identity and see if you resonate with whatever they say about it. 

 

If you don't know anyone personally, that's what places online like AVEN are for. A lot of my revelations surrounding my romantic/sexual orientation actually came from tiktok, as aro/ace creators would pop up and talk about things that I related to a lot, which made me realize that I might identify that way. 

 

On the way to figuring out your gender, you might want to attempt new pronouns as well. Those pronouns may or may not give you hints as to what your gender identity could be (it's different for everyone and pronouns don't equal gender), but the important part about figuring that out as well is that it feels good to be referred to by your preferred pronouns. I've heard people describe a euphoric feeling when they're referred to by their preferred pronouns and even if it takes a while to figure out your gender, I think it's nice to know how you want to be referred as. 

 

I can't really help you more than this as I also haven't found out my own gender yet, but I found it fulfilling and validating to know that she/her doesn't feel as great as they/them. And maybe you try out new pronouns but none of them feel as right as she/her and that's okay too. Or maybe you're indifferent to all of them, and that's also fine. 

 

Just remember that your happiness is more important than sticking yourself into a box on the gender spectrum. I wish you luck in discovering yourself!