no compromise?

[princesstodd]

I have read a lot about one partner being ace and one not....and how compromise and communication are key to making it work.  I consider myself greysexual, my husband is hetero.  We have been married with kids forever.  

 

I have always had issues around sex, regarding talking about it, initiating, etc.  I am not sex repulsed at all, I just don't really think about it at all unless it's already began, if that makes sense.  I am good with having sex once a week or so, and I do enjoy it in the moment.

 

The problem is......my husband cannot get past feeling unwanted, unloved, undesired.  It's all tied together for him, and he feels like if I don't "want" sex, then forget it.  I get what he is saying, and I wish I could change how I am.  Believe me, I've spent years looking into reasons why (emotional, physical, etc.) It's only recently I discovered the term asexual and my life clicked for me.

 

He says there is nothing to talk about, nothing to fix, no answer to our problem.  His current answer is just not have sex, which I know will not work.

 

Is there any hope for us?

[NullSpace]

Pretty similar situation here. Ace husband with allo wife, married for almost a decade with a small handful of kids, and recently discovered my asexuality as the cause of all of our sexual frustrations over the years. Since realizing that I'm ace, it's been enough for my wife that I want to do it to make her happy and not out of any need for it myself. And knowing that I don't need to be trying to get pleasure for myself from it has taken a lot of the stress and anxiety out of it for me and made me more willing to initiate it.

 

And note, in my case, it's not so much that I want to make her happy via sex, it's more that I want to make her happy, and I'm willing to have sex if that's what it takes. Obviously that's just semantics, but I think it's important that I frame it as wanting to have sex to make her happy rather than a "willingness", since would seem to imply that I'm doing to begrudgingly or just out of obligation.

 

Obviously I don't know exactly how you feel about sex, but it sounds like the willingness is there, and the fact that you're posting this makes it sound like you want to make him happy. Would it be enough for him if you approached it as "I want to do this because I know it makes you happy"? Or is it very important to him that you want it for you as well? I don't really understand what allos get out of sex, but I have heard that it can be arousing knowing that your partner is really into it as well. If that's the case, I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice. Other than just telling him that he should consider himself lucky that he has a partner who loves him and is willing to do something for him without really getting anything out of it in return.

[princesstodd]

Thanks, NullSpace. I am glad you seem to have found something that is working for you.

 

I have tried to explain that we do lots of things in relationships for the other person.....from which movie to watch to who picks up the kid this time.  It doesn't mean you don't love someone just because the reason you do it is to make them happy. In fact, that's sometimes the point.

 

I think he just feels like if I'm doing it to make him happy, it's a turn off for him. He wants to feel desired sexually. He wants to feel needed. I don't get that, but I respect it.  I just don't know if there is a way around it.   I even said I'd be open to him sexting other women (he loves sexting, I hate it) or even more. But he doesn't want that. He wants that with me.

 

I think it's gotten worse since I came out. Before he had hope that he could change me somehow.....trying all different types of things to "help" me. Some of which I have done, some were a no. But it's like now that he knows it's not a problem that can be "fixed" it is an even bigger issue.

 

 

[Ceebs]

Having sex once a week is quite frequent for mixed sexual-asexual relationships, so yeah, I imagine his feelings are due to the fact that he's actually not being desired rather than something like 'we're not having enough sex'. From past experience with my (sex-positive and willing) asexual ex... I mean, at the beginning of our relationship there were times we had sex several times a week or even more than once a day. But contrasting the sex we were having with my experiences with other partners who are sexual, there's something missing that just isn't there when someone doesn't really want you... crave you... in that particular way. It's the difference between 'It's mealtime and you made spaghetti and the spaghetti tastes good enough so I'll eat it' and 'Damn, I was really craving spaghetti tonight and I'm so hungry right now and this is absolutely delicious. Seconds, please!' (Not a perfect analogy of course, but close enough.)

 

If your husband is at the point of not really even wanting to bother with having sex at all, then I'm not sure a whole lot can be done to change that. I lost interest in having sex with my ex as well because it brought up too many negative feelings for me, plus I knew that he wasn't getting out of it what I wanted both of us to be feeling, so despite him being willing... well, I'm certainly not ever going to tell someone we ought to have sex they're not super duper enthusiastic about, and at that point it seemed like it was more unpleasant for me than it was for him. We stopped because I was not comfortable and wanted to stop. (Edit: I was also coming from a place of being very uncomfortable with my own sexuality in general at the time, so being in that relationship and having sex just kind of made it all worse. Some other sexual partners of aces who are secure and comfortable in themselves might've been more ok with it than I was.)

 

Is there hope for you guys? I don't know. Since you've just discovered asexuality and it's new knowledge for both of you, have you considered some type of couple's counselling with someone who'd be a neutral third party and help you both work out what you want and need, understand each other, and come up with options going forward? 
 

And he has some responsibility here for sure. He can't just shut down communication. I imagine he's going through a bit of a grieving process right now and a lot of emotions and perhaps he wants some time to let all of that settle a bit, which is normal and fine, but that period can't last forever. Big issues can't be ignored indefinitely; ultimately it just makes things worse.

[NullSpace]

32 minutes ago, princessbojack said:

I think it's gotten worse since I came out. Before he had hope that he could change me somehow.....trying all different types of things to "help" me. Some of which I have done, some were a no. But it's like now that he knows it's not a problem that can be "fixed" it is an even bigger issue.

 

I'm sorry, that's really hard. And at this point it sounds like you're doing everything you can. So the onus is on him to change his mindset.

 

In answer to the question "is there any hope for us", I think the answer is yes, once he's able to accept that he can't expect something from you that you're not able to give, and be happy with everything you are able to give. And I'm not sure if that's a realization that anyone can lead him to except himself. And it might take a bit of grieving. He went into a marriage expecting it was going to look a certain way, and even though it never yet looked that way, he held onto hope that maybe eventually it would. Now he has to accept that it never will, which can definitely be hard.

 

It's a difficult situation all around. Just please don't feel like any of this is somehow your fault. Asexuality is not an affliction that needs to be fixed. You are valid as you are.

[princesstodd]

7 hours ago, NullSpace said:

I'm sorry, that's really hard. And at this point it sounds like you're doing everything you can. So the onus is on him to change his mindset.

 

In answer to the question "is there any hope for us", I think the answer is yes, once he's able to accept that he can't expect something from you that you're not able to give, and be happy with everything you are able to give. And I'm not sure if that's a realization that anyone can lead him to except himself. And it might take a bit of grieving. He went into a marriage expecting it was going to look a certain way, and even though it never yet looked that way, he held onto hope that maybe eventually it would. Now he has to accept that it never will, which can definitely be hard.

 

It's a difficult situation all around. Just please don't feel like any of this is somehow your fault. Asexuality is not an affliction that needs to be fixed. You are valid as you are.

I think you nailed where he is right now. The reality has set in, and he's def grieving. It feels like I am wrecking his life. We aren't really talking at the moment. I think I need to give him some time. I don't know what this looks like going forward.

 

He doesn't want an open marriage. He doesn't want a divorce. He wants what he's never had, but still hoped he would somehow. Now that hope is gone, and I caused that, at least.  And that feels horrible.

[Sally]

2 hours ago, princessbojack said:

He doesn't want an open marriage. He doesn't want a divorce. He wants what he's never had, but still hoped he would somehow. Now that hope is gone, and I caused that, at least.  And that feels horrible.

It sounds like he is kind of sulking.   Hopefully he will come to terms with reality in the not-too-distant future, and realize that if he wants a relationship with someone who wants sex as much as he does, that person is not you.  It's not at all unfair of him to want that, but it would be unfair to you if this no-communication situation last much longer.  

[princesstodd]

He is def in grieving mode.  We talk about minor things regarding kids and running the house.  He has stopped kissing me goodnight (which we do every night).  He has stopped kissing me goodbye when he leaves. It's like he has decided that this is where we are now.  Roommates who are amicable, but the tension is so there. Not sure how long to let things go like this before I try to initiate another conversation.  

 

The hard part is.....I think he believes that there is no point for a conversation now.  Before he at least had hope I would change, now he doesn't. He feels stuck in this miserable life and it just is what it is.   

 

I'm not sure if I should just let him be for awhile.  If I should try to talk about it or what.   This is not a fun place to be for either of us.  I half wish I hadn't even told him. 

[Ceebs]

Can you say something like... "I know you're struggling with this and I understand you want some space, and that's ok, but we do need to talk more and I'd like to set a time for when we can start doing that"? That's a thing that I learnt about difficult situations and conflict with people. It's fine -- often necessary -- to take a breather from discussions, but you have to state explicitly that the conversation isn't over and decide on a mutually agreeable time to start talking again.

[princesstodd]

6 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Can you say something like... "I know you're struggling with this and I understand you want some space, and that's ok, but we do need to talk more and I'd like to set a time for when we can start doing that"? That's a thing that I learnt about difficult situations and conflict with people. It's fine -- often necessary -- to take a breather from discussions, but you have to state explicitly that the conversation isn't over and decide on a mutually agreeable time to start talking again.

That's a good suggestion, thank you.  

[Ceebs]

You're welcome, I hope he's amenable to that. It's not fair for him to check out indefinitely because of how he feels, even if it's difficult for him. Every aspect of a relationship involves both people.

[dragongrl]

I totally can feel for you and what you must be going through. Recently my non-ace partner also expressed to me his feelings of feeling unwanted and unloved when I do not sext him (we are long distance) and when I don’t want to immediately jump him when I see him in person. I feel in such a stuck place, because I want him to understand that sex does not equal love or attraction (in ways that are not sexual), and that I am still capable of being so in love with him without wanting to have sex all the time. I do not know what will happen for us, but I want to encourage him to read more about asexuality so that he can understand my perspective better and see that it is not personal. This might help your partner too, or at least help him gain a better understanding before deciding or recognizing if this is something he can do, or if he needs more sexual gratification than what you can provide. I also have been encouraging my partner to go to therapy, and introspect at how feeling unwanted sexually by me brings up feelings of himself being inadequate or unworthy. I have a feeling that it might go deeper for my partner than just sex. Maybe you could have a similar conversation with your partner too? I hope you know you are not alone.

[princesstodd]

1 hour ago, dragongrl said:

I totally can feel for you and what you must be going through. Recently my non-ace partner also expressed to me his feelings of feeling unwanted and unloved when I do not sext him (we are long distance) and when I don’t want to immediately jump him when I see him in person. I feel in such a stuck place, because I want him to understand that sex does not equal love or attraction (in ways that are not sexual), and that I am still capable of being so in love with him without wanting to have sex all the time. I do not know what will happen for us, but I want to encourage him to read more about asexuality so that he can understand my perspective better and see that it is not personal. This might help your partner too, or at least help him gain a better understanding before deciding or recognizing if this is something he can do, or if he needs more sexual gratification than what you can provide. I also have been encouraging my partner to go to therapy, and introspect at how feeling unwanted sexually by me brings up feelings of himself being inadequate or unworthy. I have a feeling that it might go deeper for my partner than just sex. Maybe you could have a similar conversation with your partner too? I hope you know you are not alone.

I could have written this. I hope you guys can sort it out. We had a long conversation about it finally.

I know part of my husband's issue is me not wanted sex in the way that he does ....but also a general lack of touch and affection from me.

 

I told him that before I had a name for this.....I kept looking for a way to fix myself. I felt broken. And so I was mad at both of us, and confused, when he would want me to do or say things I was not ok with.  So I basically shut down, a lot of the time. I avoided any touch, affection, etc . Even non sexual.

 

I am hoping that now that everything is out in the open, I can work on opening back up again in those areas. It's been a vicious cycle for a long time.

 

I recommend a good, honest heart to heart. It is scary as heck, but keeping everything buried got us to a bad place. Once the non ace partner has all the info from your side, they will still need time to grieve and process it all.  Hopefully we will come out in the other side ok. 

 

You guys, too. I wish you the best. It ain't easy.

 

 

[dragongrl]

21 hours ago, princesstodd said:

I could have written this. I hope you guys can sort it out. We had a long conversation about it finally.

I know part of my husband's issue is me not wanted sex in the way that he does ....but also a general lack of touch and affection from me.

 

I told him that before I had a name for this.....I kept looking for a way to fix myself. I felt broken. And so I was mad at both of us, and confused, when he would want me to do or say things I was not ok with.  So I basically shut down, a lot of the time. I avoided any touch, affection, etc . Even non sexual.

 

I am hoping that now that everything is out in the open, I can work on opening back up again in those areas. It's been a vicious cycle for a long time.

 

I recommend a good, honest heart to heart. It is scary as heck, but keeping everything buried got us to a bad place. Once the non ace partner has all the info from your side, they will still need time to grieve and process it all.  Hopefully we will come out in the other side ok. 

 

You guys, too. I wish you the best. It ain't easy.

 

 

thank youuu

[uhtred]

On 9/12/2022 at 6:43 AM, princesstodd said:

I have read a lot about one partner being ace and one not....and how compromise and communication are key to making it work.  I consider myself greysexual, my husband is hetero.  We have been married with kids forever.  

 

I have always had issues around sex, regarding talking about it, initiating, etc.  I am not sex repulsed at all, I just don't really think about it at all unless it's already began, if that makes sense.  I am good with having sex once a week or so, and I do enjoy it in the moment.

 

The problem is......my husband cannot get past feeling unwanted, unloved, undesired.  It's all tied together for him, and he feels like if I don't "want" sex, then forget it.  I get what he is saying, and I wish I could change how I am.  Believe me, I've spent years looking into reasons why (emotional, physical, etc.) It's only recently I discovered the term asexual and my life clicked for me.

 

He says there is nothing to talk about, nothing to fix, no answer to our problem.  His current answer is just not have sex, which I know will not work.

 

Is there any hope for us?

So difficult.   It may be that for him being desired is what matters, not so much the sex itself. (I'm sort of like that). So what he needs is something you cannot give him.

 

As I've become more aware that my wife just has sex (on rare occasions) to make me happy, my interest in it has largely gone away.

 

All you can do is talk to him, keep trying to find some solution that works for both of you. I wish there was some easy answer, but there isn't. There may not be an answer.

[intheshadowoferos]

On 9/12/2022 at 6:43 AM, princesstodd said:

 

I have read a lot about one partner being ace and one not....and how compromise and communication are key to making it work.

 

In my limited experience with all of this, that compromise part is not a simple thing, and the communication is even harder. Good luck

[Sally]

A mixed relationship isn't going to work without communication and some sort of agreement, but that doesn't mean that it's going to work with them.  

[nanogretchen4]

If your husband doesn't want to have sex with someone he knows does not want it, that is very normal and reasonable of him. He has every right to say no to sex that is not what he wants. 

 

Right now he does not want any of the four options that exist, i.e. sexual compromise, celibacy, nonmonogamy, and divorce. I get it. He does not want to have to decide between dealing with a mixed orientation marriage that he did not choose for himself and going through a divorce. He just wants you to magically not be asexual so he can be in the typical heterosexual marriage he thought he was in. Obviously that is impossible, but apparently in his current stage of grief he's not ready to deal with reality. 

 

I don't see any point in trying to give him a time limit to get over it, unless you have reached the point where you are seriously ready to file for divorce rather than wait out his grieving process. Of course, if you wait, it's possible once he starts dealing with reality he will reach the conclusion that he needs a divorce. But there's also a chance he will decide that celibacy isn't as bad as he expected it to be or that he's open to considering nonmonogamy or some form of sexual compromise. 

 

 

[Guest Queerdo]

I think a fifth option is to radically redefine the relationship in a way that works for both partners. But that's not going to work if either partner really wants a classic "romantic" relationship defined around "one and only."

[nanogretchen4]

Do you mean radically redefine the relationship so they are having some kind of sex with each other? Radically redefine the relationship so the husband is having sex with other people? Radically redefine the relationship so the husband is celibate? Radically redefine the relationship so they are no longer married to each other?

[Guest Queerdo]

There are emotionally intimate relationships that don't involve sex, and they're not unique to ace-ace relationships either. My partner and I work well as qpp. I know people who make coparenting households work. I see a growing recognition of long term friendships as having many of the same intimacies as sexual relationships.

 

I'm not saying that it's something that will work for anyone. But it is an option for people who are not into traditional relationships anyway.

[nanogretchen4]

Actually, it's three options. They live together, coparent, and the husband is celibate. They live together, coparent, and have an open marriage. They have a really amicable divorce and remain close friends with a great coparenting relationship. There's nothing wrong with any of these options if they work for everyone involved.