Trixie Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 I found this site purely by accident and am SO glad I did. I will try to make my story as short as possible. I am 31 and in a fairly new relationship. My fiance and I met New Year's Eve and clicked immediately. When we first started to get serious he told me he isn't a very passionate person and to not expect sex alot. I was fine with that. I was widowed almost 3 years ago and was still nervous myself. But the last few months I have almost went crazy. I have went from feeling unattractive to thinking he was cheating to just not knowing what is going on. He says he has always been like this. That he loves sex but just doesn't want it very often, maybe every six months or so. We have tried twice, at his instigation, but he failed to get an erection. He acted like he enjoyed everything we did though and said he did. We thought at first that he may have ED but who knows? He has said he will go to a dr and see if there is anything wrong physically but hasn't yet. I haven't pushed the issue because I didn't want him to think that was all I wanted from him. He said it wasn't really an issue before me cause he stayed away from serious relationships after his divorce. He was married before and he says that it was an issue then and he swore he'd never get seroius again because of her response to him never wanting sex. He is a wonderful man and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I know he loves me and isn't cheating on me...which is the response I received at a couple of other forums. I was also told that he was an addict because he takes ONE pill a day for a crushed knee and ruptured discs in his back. I hope I have found a good group here. I hadn't heard of asexuality before so I am not really sure exactly what it is. I do know that everything I have read so far fits him. I am just looking for info and advice. I have discovered that I am a very sexual person when it comes to him and I have been severely depressed lately. But the things I am reading here is helping. I know I can't say whether he is asexual or not, only he can. But I feel like I have FINALLY stumbled onto the answers here. Any info on asexuality and advice for the sexual spouse is welcome. Thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
emmarainbow Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 He does sound pretty asexual, and by the sound of it, he doesn't seem to be cheating, and I wouldn't assume so. I can give you and *hugs*. Good luck - I hope things work out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
jr1 Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 I hope you feel better. Maybe you could tell him about this website. He sounds like he'd fit in here too Link to post Share on other sites
Freed_Spirit Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 Welcome Trixie, *hug* and to start with. AVEN tends not to offer out labels to other people, let people decide for themselves - if he could come here that might be a good idea. That said, he does seem to be exhibiting asexual behaviour - especially with regard to not going to the doctor. Most of the asexuals here tend to feel they aren't broken and don't need fixing, only understanding (and love if they're romantic). I'm a romantic asexy myself and if you'd like to pm me I'd be happy to offer any help I can. I'm glad that coming here has helped you. If your partner is asexual, then he probably loves you very very deeply and his not wanting sex has nothing to do with you as a person or the strength of his love for you. The question will be how you can both talk this out and work around it, to reach a point of happy compromise. I hope all goes well for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trixie Posted August 31, 2007 Author Share Posted August 31, 2007 I am so glad to see the replies. He is a very private person and doesn't understand about forums or anything to do with a computer really. He is such a loving man in every other way. He has said several times that he wonders why I stay with him because he has nothing to offer me. I have tried to tell him that sex isn't everything. Don't misunderstand me, I would LOVE to have that type of intimacy with him but not at the cost of his mental health. This is tearing him up so I try not to make a big deal out of it. He calls it his "problem". I have tried to be supportive and I told him it isn't a problem, some people just don't have high sex drives. But now that I have found this site, I know it isn't about a high or low sex drive. I do feel too much pressure is put on men who either don't have a high sex drive or are asexual. I mean, come on, we are all born different and I feel loving someone means loving them BECAUSE of their differences, not in spite of them. Again, I am so glad to have found this website. So much makes sense now. He doesn't like to cuddle or anything because he says he doesn't want to get my hopes up. I made an innocent, I thought, comment in a joking manner, again I thought, that bothered him for days. I made the comment that I "wanted some" when we went out the other night. It put so much pressure and stress on him! I apologized to him later but I really was just joking around. We have tried several things like Viagra, Cialis and several OTC stuff from GNC wiht no results. He couldn't figure out why the "miracle" pill (Viagra) didn't work for him. Really depressed him. I just have to find a way to talk to him about this (asexuality) without stressing him. Because I really feel he is asexual and that there isn't anything wrong with him. Please keep the advice coming. I really love this man and DO NOT want him to feel insecure and unworthy anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Freed_Spirit Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 Wow Trixie, you are amazing! You are showing him so much love and support and I know it can't be easy for you either. I really wish you every joy together. I think you're doing everything you can. I encourage you to help him see it's not actually his 'problem', just, as you say, we're all born different, and while he's rare he's not the only one, or weird or broken. If you can talk to him and explain your understanding and your love for him I'm sure this will help - as you've experienced, feeling pressured is just about the worst thing for an asexual. It will help if you're able to talk about the cuddling too - some asexuals just don't like it, period, but many others (romantic asexuals) love to be cuddled and are just wary of it if they think it's going to lead to sex. I hope all goes well for you both - your love for him shines through and that is so beautiful. Link to post Share on other sites
Trixie Posted August 31, 2007 Author Share Posted August 31, 2007 Thanks Freed-Spirit for the comments. I do feel frustrated at times, expecially at night. I just try not to let him see it. He knows though, he caught me in tears not long ago. I have had a severe anxiety attack over the "no sex" thing. But like I said earlier, I know this isn't a cake walk for him either. He has told me several times he wishes things were different. I guess I can understand his side a little because my late husband had alot of issues with sex and withdrew completely for about 4 months. I had just had my 3rd miscarriage though and that was his issue. (Scared for me to get pregnant again cause I almost died.) It was just a HUGE relief to finally realize it isn't me, it isn't him, it's just a fact of life, like having blonde hair or black. (I don't mean to make light of our issues, just my way of accepting it.) I am going to talk to him about this tonight though. Just not sure how to bring it up. Thanks to everyone for your quick replies. Link to post Share on other sites
Chiaroscuro Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 I do feel frustrated at times, expecially at night. I just try not to let him see it. Good luck, Trixie, and good for you for coming here. My only caution (as a sexual partner in a 16 year marriage to an asexual wife), is to pay attention to your own feelings in this... they won't go away over time. You won't "get over" them. Compromise is a great thing, but being compromised isn't. Make sure you feel you and your guy are meeting in the middle somewhere. Hugs (I don't believe in cake, it's fattening), -chiaroscuro Link to post Share on other sites
Trixie Posted August 31, 2007 Author Share Posted August 31, 2007 Thanks for the advice, Chiaroscuro. We have been trying to reach a compromise but it's hard on us both. I don't want to ask often and he gets upset if he isn't in the mood when I am. By upset I mean disappointed in himself. So I deal with it the best I can. I love him too much to cause him any pain. He feels the same, that's why he told me if I found someone else he wouldn't hold it against me. I told him it was impossible for me to do that. It would be different if he was abusive, a bum or cheated on me. I could walk without a problem then. To be honest, the thought of cheating ran through my mind for about 30 seconds one lonely night. But I thought of that Gretchen Wilson song "When I think about Cheating". Like I said, it ran through me mind for about 30 seconds. I couldn't imagine hurting him that way or losing him. So until we do reach a compromise, we will continue trying and being there for each other, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Chiaroscuro Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 I couldn't imagine hurting him that way or losing him. So until we do reach a compromise, we will continue trying and being there for each other, I guess. Good for you both. I know it's hard (believe me). With my wife and I, it would almost be easier if one of us were a bastard... but since we love each other, it's like some awful trap with no good options. So with the admonition to keep your own long-term needs in mind, I wish you and he both the best. It's a tough road. -Chiaroscuro Link to post Share on other sites
isillote Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 Wow! I wish all sexuals were as caring and considerate as you are! I am very lucky in that I have a (very) sexual partner who is every bit as considerate of my asexuality. I used to hate hugs too, because previous partners always saw them as an invitation to sex. Since finding AVEN I've really been able to open up. We've had an open relationship for years, which works very well for us, but I always felt that I was somehow at fault because the whole world seemed to be sexual, and I knew I was out of synch. Finding AVEN has helped me to talk in much more depth with him about my lack of interest in sex and I now feel completely happy. It was such a weight off my shoulders to discover that I may be in a minority, but that I'm fine. I recognise a lot of emotions your partner's displaying as ways I used to use to try to deal with my guilt. Feeling bad for not being in the mood, ever, wondering why my partners didn't get fed up and leave...and so on. I really think it might help him to find this site. Once he realises that he's not unique but one of many, and has such a lovely partner, he may find it easier to talk openly with you, and to find a way to make what seems to be a potentially wonderful relationship work. Feel free to PM me if you want, and my partner also posts on here and would be happy to talk to you or your partner, if it helps. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Apdg Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 for the sounds of it i would say hes Asexual, but as a rule of thumb its never a good idea to call him that until he decides it for him self. I would recomend you tell him you found a site were people feel the same way towards sex as he does and for him to take a look. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.