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Vent: some kind of lith- ficto- not really aego-


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I always thought I was het, even though I self-awarely had a few crushes on girls growing up (lol the cognitive dissonance, anything that doesn't fit my prescribed identity just doesn't count) -- to the point my lesbian friend I had a crush on said she "always thought I was bi".
 

But after a while I realised I never really wanted those crushes, neither on guys nor on girls, to actually go anywhere. So I identified as lithromantic for some time.

Now I haven't even been attracted to anyone in a while, and I feel like it's partly because I just instinctively subconsciously find it pointless, since I don't actually want any kind of relationship (not even casual). But I don't even know anymore if that's out of being "genuinely" lith or just because of trust issues, and knowing my mood swings about whether I love or hate people make intimate relationships impossibly unstable, and fear of the inevitable loss of breakups, and just not wanting to put in the colossal effort to find a suitable partner.

Then there's also the fact that I've always been very involved in fandom and shipping. So my fantasies are mostly about characters who are not me, but I also don't experience them in a completely aego way; it's almost like I'm playing one of the characters in the fantasy like an actor who actually inhabits the body and mind of someone else, if that makes any sense. Like I fantasise about myself experiencing the fantasy, but not as myself. And those fantasies are often between two men or two women (they were almost always about two men when I was younger, to the point I wondered if I was trans because I was so into the idea of being a gay guy).

I actually started thinking about this because I still wasn't sure I was het. Like can I be gay if I'm never attracted to women (or anyone) anymore and don't want a relationship? But I still ship wlw ships in a way that isn't totally detached in an aego way. Like if I could have an idealised fictional gay relationship I guess I'd like that. In the realm of forms where we're both the perfect partners and relationships are easy.

Thoughts? Similar experiences?

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Similar experience here for sure - especially the wondering if I was trans because I was so into the idea of being a gay guy! Imagining that seemed to be the closest I could get to feeling 'normal' emotions.

 

I currently identify just as aro. Acknowledging all its nuances, it makes more sense for me than any other label, especially given that QPRs exist and sound quite appealing.

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