Are My Dating Preferences Bad?

[Art of Matt Eldritch]

This is going to sound a bit of an AITA-sort of question, but I need to ask something. 

 

Is it inherently wrong for me to not want to date people my age? As a 30 year old with a history of being bullied by my peers, I find it hard to want to be with someone from such a painful part of my life. And my family, particularly the elderly ones, always went into great detail of all the pain they were suffering from in their old age. I'm afraid of growing older, eventually succumbing to a disgusting metamorphosis like a rotting pumpkin and I wouldn't want to watch my partner go through one either. 

 

For a preferred age range, I'd probably pick 24 to 28. IDK, that just feels the most appealing.

[Ceebs]

No, not at all. As long as someone is of legal age (obviously) and your emotional maturity levels are well matched enough and you want the same things in a relationship, there's no problem. Besides, there's barely a difference between 28 and 30. Even mid-20s and 30 isn't a big deal as long as you work well together.

 

If you said you wanted to date 18-19 year olds, though... legal, sure, but I'd be warier.

[Ceebs]

Also,

 

18 minutes ago, Art of Matt Eldritch said:

As a 30 year old with a history of being bullied by my peers, I find it hard to want to be with someone from such a painful part of my life.

I understand that, but I guess it ends up manifesting a little differently for me.

 

I'm in my late 30s and and I'm still scared of teenagers (since that's when the bullying happened) and I also feel somewhat uncomfortable with people in their 20s and even 30s because I just never really... understood how to socialise with them, I guess. I grew up an only child mostly surrounded by middle aged people, and I often feel more at ease with those in their 40s and up (which is close enough to being my peer group now anyway haha). We just relate better in a lot of ways and they feel more familiar.

[Hamada]

I dont think it is wrong 

Good luck bro

[Art of Matt Eldritch]

48 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

No, not at all. As long as someone is of legal age (obviously) and your emotional maturity levels are well matched enough and you want the same things in a relationship, there's no problem. Besides, there's barely a difference between 28 and 30. Even mid-20s and 30 isn't a big deal as long as you work well together.

 

If you said you wanted to date 18-19 year olds, though... legal, sure, but I'd be warier.

If its of any interest to you, I see 18-19 year olds to be synonymous with children. 

[Ceebs]

3 minutes ago, Art of Matt Eldritch said:

If its of any interest to you, I see 18-19 year olds to be synonymous with children. 

Yeah I mean, same now. 😂

 

I also don't really see anyone as old now until they're about 75 haha. (And also, 'old' isn't a bad word. Euphemisms for it are annoying. If someone is old, they're old. It's a neutral fact.)

[RileyA]

My lower age limit was 25. Then I had this thing with a 23 year old. A weird long distance thing. Was a fucking disaster considering we never actually met in person. Now, I'm late 30s and a father and stuff, 30 seems about my age limit. 30ish. 

 

I don't think right now that tendency towards people in their mid 20s is a problem. But I feel like by my age, if I basically had a under 30 "rule", then it would start to look suspect. In 10 years, most definitely suspect 

[Ceebs]

I don't think I'd feel comfortable with anyone being under 30. Maybe 28-29 if I met someone where I was like, holy shit you're My Person and it would be insane to throw this connection away.
 

Never really thought about an upper limit. I always assumed I'd be with someone pretty close to me in age, I guess? My ex-husband was a little over a year younger. Ex-girlfriend was seven years older, and that gave me pause at first... which makes me laugh since my partner now is 16-ish years older. Despite feeling more socially comfortable in a general (non-romantic, non-sexual) sense with people 40-50ish and up, I never had A Thing for the idea of being in a relationship with anyone older. Didn't even occur to me. I just ended up becoming friends with my now-partner, feelings happened at some point, and age seemed pretty irrelevant because the connection works so well. I do think I'd feel uncomfortable with an age difference of 20 or more years though, like I'm just not sure I'd be able to view someone in a sexual or romantic light then. But no judgement of anyone else. As long as there's not some weird unhealthy power imbalance, if people are happy, it's no one else's business.

[Phalena]

I think a gap of two to five years isn't a big deal. If I'm not mistaken then it's actually the statistically most common one? But what you might wish to further work on is your struggle with people your exact age. Does it impair your daily life in any way? I know it's super hard to move on from bullying. It's just that I found that you can heal best by connecting with people your age in a new context. For example: In uni I could make so many positive experiences that I never found to be possible in school. I also learnt that after school, people are generally more chill with many things that used to be super important beforehand. Have a virtual hug!

[Philip027]

As far as I'm concerned, people can have ANY sort of dating preference they want, so long as they aren't being an asshole about it.  Nobody is ever obligated to a date or to be "given a chance" with regard to relationships; anyone can turn anyone down for any reason they want, and it does not have to be a reason that makes sense to you.  There doesn't even have to be a reason.

 

That all being said, your preference is fine, so long as you're aware of how it is limiting your options.  You should at least be aware that the people that are your age are primarily not the same people that bullied you in school.  There's also nothing stopping people younger than you from being bullies themselves.  If you accept all that and still feel the same way that you do, then fine.  Looking into why you feel that way may be worth your time, though.

[EmeraldIce]

It's perfectly normal for a 30-year-old to be dating a 27 or 28-year-old. As @Ceebs mentioned though, the main thing is that you should pick someone who has the same goals and at roughly the same stage of life. If you're looking to settle down, for example, you shouldn't be dating a college student. Honestly, you might not even want someone fresh out of college, because their life and career experiences and insights and maturity level are still very much in the college phase. But if they're already at least a couple of years into their career trajectory, I think it's fair game. And remember, the older you get, the less age matters. My husband is 6.5 years older than me, but since I was already 29 when we met, it's okay. My stepdad is 12 years older than my mom, but because he's super sociable and has tons of active hobbies and interests, he doesn't feel his age and no one really notices the difference.

[Ceebs]

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Edited October 19, 2022 by Ceebs
Removing quote from spammer

[Skycaptain]

Speaking as someone in a happy, loving relationship with a partner six years younger than me, there's no reason to worry about your dating preferences. 

The only thing I'd say, is don't rule anything out, love can arrive from unexpected directions.