Do you consider yourself to be romantic?

[Guest]

This is a question for the men of AVEN (although anyone of any gender or those without are welcome to share their views on this subject)... 

 

Men (of all sexualities), do you consider yourself romantic? Do you enjoy romance? By romance, I don't mean flowers and chocolates. I mean hand holding, cuddles, gestures of affection, expressing your feelings for your partner, appreciating the beauty of a sunset or a starry night sky, or enjoying a stroll in the park with your SO or maybe a candlelit dinner. Do you enjoy those romantic things? 

 

If so, have you ever been teased for it by friends, family, colleagues? Ever had negative comments about it? Because it's not "manly" and is more of a womans thing? Ever felt embarrassed by it? 

 

I'm wondering how many men out there, of any sexuality, are genuinely into romance and how they've been treated because of it, since it's widely regarded by society as a feminine interest. I've heard that it's a stigma of the western world, and in countries such as China and Japan romance is enjoyed by both men and women without the stigma. 

 

If you leave a reply could you also share what part of the world you're from? I'm just really curious about this. Women have a tendency to think there aren't any romantic men left in the world but I bet (and hope) that's a false opinion. Men may be more likely to suppress interest in romance or be shy about it due to gender stereotypes. 

[RileyA]

28 minutes ago, Black-purple-grey said:

This is a question for the men of AVEN (although anyone of any gender or those without are welcome to share their views on this subject)...

 

Men (of all sexualities), do you consider yourself romantic?

Yes. By yes, I mean in the sense that I'm not aromantic and other people perceive me to be the "romantic type".

 

28 minutes ago, Black-purple-grey said:

Do you enjoy romance? By romance, I don't mean flowers and chocolates. I mean hand holding, cuddles, gestures of affection, expressing your feelings for your partner, appreciating the beauty of a sunset or a starry night sky, or enjoying a stroll in the park with your SO or maybe a candlelit dinner. Do you enjoy those romantic things? 

 

This is such interesting phrasing. I do enjoy romance. By that I mean I enjoy when I can speak someone's language, like on an almost spiritual level, and they can speak mine. It's like when I intend to make them feel warm, safe, and cherished, and my actions actually do invoke or promote those feelings. That's romance for me.

 

I see hand holding as an expression of my love of physical touch. I'm very tactile. That is part of speaking my language and is therefore romantic. So is a gift of flowers I like or chocolate I like. So to me, you contrasting handholding and flowers and chocolates as either romantic or non romantic doesn't make much sense to me. All of these things can be romantic depending on your intention and the context of your relationship with the receiver.

 

28 minutes ago, Black-purple-grey said:

 

If so, have you ever been teased for it by friends, family, colleagues? Ever had negative comments about it? Because it's not "manly" and is more of a womans thing? Ever felt embarrassed by it? 

Yes. And no. Why no? Because I'm obviously sustaining relationships by being this way. And now I'm at an age where I'm telling my dudebro friends how they might keep a partner.

 

28 minutes ago, Black-purple-grey said:

 

I'm wondering how many men out there, of any sexuality, are genuinely into romance and how they've been treated because of it, since it's widely regarded by society as a feminine interest. I've heard that it's a stigma of the western world, and in countries such as China and Japan romance is enjoyed by both men and women without the stigma. 

Yes I'm into being romantic. I mostly date men but also have had and do have relationships with women. There is a stigma but the fact I've "achieved" what the people likely to mock me would love to have pretty much kills any jokes. 

 

My friends do poke me about it. They call me Romeo. They're assholes but I love them.

 

28 minutes ago, Black-purple-grey said:

 

If you leave a reply could you also share what part of the world you're from? I'm just really curious about this. Women have a tendency to think there aren't any romantic men left in the world but I bet (and hope) that's a false opinion. Men may be more likely to suppress interest in romance or be shy about it due to gender stereotypes. 

From the USA (New England) white waspy liberal place but come from a rural background.

[Guest]

Thanks for the reply @RileyA. You made some interesting comments about romance and how it can be different to different people. I think the reason I used flowers and chocolate as an example of things not romantic, is because I feel they are stereotypes and easily used by men being lazy when trying to "woo" their love interest, or by men who cannot come up with an idea of their own - a more personal gift tailored to the individual. They are also quite commercialised ideas of romance, unoriginal. I know I would prefer a handwritten note or a personalised book recommendation than something store bought and generic. But everyone has individual preferences and if the sentiment behind a gift is genuine than yes, it can be considered romantic. 

[Ceebs]

Well, I'm a bisexual woman, so I'm not who you're asking exactly. But my partner is a heterosexual guy. We've sat together on the beach at night blowing bubbles and looking at the stars, he's given me cards filled with sappy stuff he's written, bought me silly little presents (like crocheted Brussels sprouts with eyes and a knitted octopus hat lol... don't ask), collected shells for me on a beach when he went on holiday with a friend, sent me one of his T-shirts since we're long-distance currently and left another one with me when he visited last month, made me playlists of songs that remind him of me, stuck little heart stickers on random items round my flat, has named various stuffed animals for me lol (yes I'm a grown woman 😂), had a plant delivered to me as a random surprise to cheer me up, loves cuddling and hugs and and any type of affectionate touch in general, says 'I love you' multiple times every day...

 

I think that's all more or less in the category of 'romantic'? I don't know that he's ever been criticised for it, but then I don't think he really shares private relationship stuff like that with other people in his life. I do know that he's mentioned he's more expressive that way with me than he was with his exes (his ex-wife of about 19 years, and then a girlfriend he had before that in his 20s). I imagine a large part of it is our specific dynamic, the stuff we bring out in each other and the sense of emotional safety I don't think he's fully had before. I know a fair amount about his marriage, and I know his ex-wife just didn't really do emotions much at all. She did things for him that were done out of affection I gather, but not accompanied by a lot of authentic emotional expression, and almost as if she'd heard somewhere that 'this is a nice thing you can do for your partner' and then she just... did it. So that relationship overall was much less expressive in that genuinely romantic sort of way, on both sides. The long-ago ex-girlfriend, I know less about... I gather that relationship was somewhere in between how he was with his ex-wife and how he is with me. 

 

In terms of the demographic info you wanted, he's British. 53-year-old cishet Englishman, to be exact. They can be more romantic than one might think, lol. I'd say he's more romantic than my (heteroromantic asexual) ex-husband or my (gay) ex-girlfriend.

[Guest]

Thanks for sharing @Ceebs. He sounds like a lovely guy. 

[Ceebs]

1 minute ago, Black-purple-grey said:

Thanks for sharing @Ceebs. He sounds like a lovely guy. 

He is, I've got a keeper. We bring out the best parts of each other.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Ceebs said:

He is, I've got a keeper. We bring out the best parts of each other.

That's wonderful. I wish you a happy ever after together

[LeChat]

 I thought these might help, be useful, etc. because several men have written about their experiences with this topic, similar questions, etc. in these threads.

 

Asexual Men Musings - Asexual Musings and Rantings - Asexual Visibility and Education Network (asexuality.org)

 

Homoromantic guys chat - Romantic and Aromantic Orientations - Asexual Visibility and Education Network (asexuality.org)

[Ceebs]

Those are pretty general threads, the OP was asking a specific question about men and romance. Wading through many, many pages of threads that are not specifically about romantic behaviours could be a little tedious.

[LeChat]

Quote

..This thread is intended to be a safe place for Asexual Men to discuss their perspectives, feelings and experiences in a world that portrays men as hyper-sexual...

If it helps, here's from the beginning of the asexual men musings thread.

 

As I'd mentioned, several men have written about their experiences in the threads, answering the exact kind of questions OP asked, relating to how their families, society, etc. treat them; teasing; romantic partners, etc.

 

I've read through them and found their experiences helpful.

 

 I just figured, since I've seen women make threads, before, asking men about their opinions on these topics, that it might help if I guided them to those threads, where there are more responses (especially since there aren't a lot of men on the forum, and they might not receive many replies to their current thread).

 

For some people who are interested in reading others' experiences, they might not mind reading a lot. Naturally, some people might not find the links helpful for them, and that's okay, too, of course.

 

There's, always, a possibility it might help others or someone else, out there (some people might not, always, choose to express that something helped them. Some people might have social anxiety; feel shy; some are "guests"/"lurkers," without an account, etc.)

 

So, that's why there's no harm being done in trying to help others by sharing links.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I'm not exactly the demographic you're looking for but I've been around plenty of guys and there's a few thought I could share.

 

I think men can be just as romantic as women, but there's a few caveats. One is that on average non-asexual men are more sexual than women and that sexuality can be less romantic too, whether in general or social influence or because of testosterone leading to focusing more on orgasm than on the romantic or sensual aspects of it. I said on average since everyone's different. This is also reflected in romantic sensuality though not limited to men but sexual women too, even if what I said about the average still applies. As talking to men (including that I got close to) they often see it more as 'foreplay', where the romantic sensuality is seen more as something to lead up to sex instead of for itself. Sex can be romantic to sexual people though. Continuing on the same point, one man I got close to said that he hadn't really had sex involving quite as much affectionate sensuality before, but that he found it interesting.

 

I think in a some cases a guy will be willing to be sappy with his partner but try not to show it as much publically or if some guy friends are around. It really depends on the (social) environment. I might have seen little things but I've seen guys hold hands and nobody said anything or if someone did say something and I didn't know about it then they didn't care. I do remember a friend who asked me if I knew that he acted differently when he was alone with his girlfriend so I do know there's something to it, though I would say it's possible for it to happen with women (with their friends) even if maybe rarer.

And the last thought is that we're talking about 'normal' and sexual men here but I know it would be different for someone asexual or who doesn't let social norms affect them as much. I don't know how many men would care 'less' about affectionate romance than women if it weren't for the social side or how culture taught them.. maybe a little still.

[LeChat]

Also, in case anyone's interested, I thought I'd help mention that there's going to be an "Asexual Men and Masculinity" panel, online, at the UK Asexuality Conference this Saturday, Sep. 10th at 17:30 BST, where asexual men will talk about their experiences.

 

Announcing the UK asexuality conference, 10-11 September 2022 - Announcements - Asexual Visibility and Education Network

[dotCoder]

Yes. I'm a guy. I would say I'm interested in romance. I'm not aromantic.
 

I want to wake up one day and make my girlfriend her lunch one day and leave a note in the lunch box. I want to cuddle and kiss her. I would probably take her last name if we decided to marry. 
 

(sadly haven't dated anyone yet.)

Edited September 4, 2022 by dotCoder
Clarification that I haven't dated.

[Ceebs]

8 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

And the last thought is that we're talking about 'normal' and sexual men here but I know it would be different for someone asexual or who doesn't let social norms affect them as much.

Is there a reason it would be different for sexual vs. asexual men?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

1 hour ago, Ceebs said:

Is there a reason it would be different for sexual vs. asexual men?

Asexual men wouldn't have sex in the mind for where affection is supposed to lead, as the epitome. (but again i was talking in terms of averages compared to women, not that all are a certain way)
Though if they're aromantic too then obviously then they won't even be into romance much.

Asexual men might still try to look different socially though, really depends on the person obviously.

[Janus the Fox]

Moved to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations

 

Janus the Fox

Current Policy Administrator, Covering Announcements, Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Relationships, Tea and Sympathy, Site Comments

[Guest]

15 hours ago, dotCoder said:

Yes. I'm a guy. I would say I'm interested in romance. I'm not aromantic.
 

I want to wake up one day and make my girlfriend her lunch one day and leave a note in the lunch box. I want to cuddle and kiss her. I would probably take her last name if we decided to marry. 
 

(sadly haven't dated anyone yet.)

That's really cute. I hope you get to do those things one day with the right person :) 

[SimonB]

On 9/4/2022 at 12:59 PM, Black-purple-grey said:

This is a question for the men of AVEN (although anyone of any gender or those without are welcome to share their views on this subject)... 

 

Men (of all sexualities), do you consider yourself romantic? Do you enjoy romance? By romance, I don't mean flowers and chocolates. I mean…

Thanks for itemising things 🙂 While asexuality was a case of immediate recognition for me, determining whether or not I'm aromantic has been more tricky. And so, to answer your questions:

• hand holding: yes
• cuddles: yes
• gestures of affection: yes? like making tea or back rubs? not flowers or chocolates
• expressing your feelings for your partner: yes
• appreciating the beauty of a sunset or a starry night sky: no
• enjoying a stroll in the park with your SO: not for the park itself, but being able to talk to them, yes
• maybe a candlelit dinner: likewise, not so much for the dinner, but for being able to spend time with them

I've not been teased for liking the things I like, who would even do that past childhood? I'm from England and have lived in Germany for the last 15 years.

Before I knew I was ace I wondered why "flirting" couldn't simply be talking through the night because you found each other really interesting, and why "intimacy" couldn't simply mean falling asleep while cuddling. Now I think they can 😉

[Ceebs]

On 9/4/2022 at 7:03 PM, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Asexual men wouldn't have sex in the mind for where affection is supposed to lead, as the epitome.

Well, all sexual people ultimately want sex to be a part of their romantic relationships, but in my experience, most people (of any sex/gender) definitely aren't just doing romantic things to ensure they get sex.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

1 minute ago, Ceebs said:

Well, all sexual people ultimately want sex to be a part of their romantic relationships, but in my experience, most people (of any sex/gender) definitely aren't just doing romantic things to ensure they get sex.

Seen different in my experience ;p.

Though not really exactly what I meant. As in on average men focus a bit more on the sex and women focus a bit more on romance.

[Guest]

9 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Seen different in my experience ;p.

Though not really exactly what I meant. As in on average men focus a bit more on the sex and women focus a bit more on romance.

Is that actually true though, biologically, or is that just a social construct? 

[Black Tourmaline]

well i used to think so but i believe i was confusing romcom anime with real life. i really just want an emotional support person. i am a very loving person generally but i just don't have the consistent social energy required for a relationship. i wish people generally took friendship more seriously instead of only allowing one person to love unconditionally. ideally i want to love all beings equally. meanwhile somewhat lonely and antisocial.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

1 hour ago, Black-purple-grey said:

Is that actually true though, biologically, or is that just a social construct? 

Both. And I'm pretty confident it's biological too.
Not a sweeping statement, some women are more into sex than the average guy too.

[J. van Deijck]

I don't think I'm romantic at all. This is mostly "me" thing, but most of so-called romantic gestures make me cringe, when directed to me and/or expected from me. I'm pretty much romance-indifferent leaning positive when it comes to other people, as long as it makes them happy.

That being said, I don't care for holding hands or similar things, I don't like kissing, unless it's little pecks here and there, and I don't see them (or hugs or cooking for each other or anything similar) as exclusively romantic.

 

My husband is exactly the same, though, this is why we get along so well.

[Guest]

This makes interesting reading @Sarah-Sylvia 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/close-encounters/201408/whos-really-more-romantic-men-or-women

 

 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

5 hours ago, Black-purple-grey said:

This makes interesting reading @Sarah-Sylvia 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/close-encounters/201408/whos-really-more-romantic-men-or-women

 

 

I checked it out. From what they listed, the questions weren't good at all. Or maybe that's what they consider a romantic attitude, I don't know, but it's not what I consider romantic. Expressing love more quickly? That doesn't mean being more romantic. And same for infatuation. If anything it shows more impulsivity than really bonding and getting someone to know on a deeper level.
Anyway, like I said I'm pretty confident about what I talked about.

 

How studies are done or what they focus on really can lead to different takes. There are ones where they put women as more invested in romance. Quick search found this one:
https://www.medicaldaily.com/women-more-romantic-men-study-240200
 

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I checked it out. From what they listed, the questions weren't good at all. Or maybe that's what they consider a romantic attitude, I don't know, but it's not what I consider romantic. Expressing love more quickly? That doesn't mean being more romantic. And same for infatuation. If anything it shows more impulsivity than really bonding and getting someone to know on a deeper level.
Anyway, like I said I'm pretty confident about what I talked about.

 

How studies are done or what they focus on really can lead to different takes. There are ones where they put women as more invested in romance. Quick search found this one:
https://www.medicaldaily.com/women-more-romantic-men-study-240200
 

I think if any study wanted to be accurate it would need to include millions of people to get a true picture. And individual tastes and desires vary from person to person anyway. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

1 minute ago, Black-purple-grey said:

I think if any study wanted to be accurate it would need to include millions of people to get a true picture. And individual tastes and desires vary from person to person anyway. 

They would need to have a really good set of questions or observations to determine things well and ask couples, not just individuals. To also see what the partner saw the other in terms of being romantic. There needs to be more going into how or what different people consider romantic and also how they feel, and more. Imo.

[Janus the Fox]

I like romantic interactions with the BF, but I cant say I have any attractions or anything within.  We only see each other rarely a few weeks at at time, or really need to see each other at all.

[AspieAlly613]

Yes, though I've had people say that what I'm looking for isn't romance because it's not sexually motivated.