do I need to tell my partner if I’m not romantically attracted to them?

[brakeforgothgirls]

I’m a biromantic asexual person and I started dating my partner 4 months ago (though we had a romantic sort of relationship for nearly 8 months before that). My partner is a straight man but he is very supportive of my sexuality. He’s pretty much a perfect match for me and everything I could want. But throughout our whole relationship I’ve always felt a little hesitant. I knew I wanted a relationship with him but something deep inside of me always felt a little off. Today I saw a post about queer platonic attraction and I’m kinda freaking out because i think it pretty much exactly describes how I feel towards my boyfriend. I enjoy having this romantic relationship with him even if my feelings towards him are not exactly romantic. We are very open with each other and tell each other about everything, but I know that if I told him this it would probably hurt him (it’s not something I exactly understand, because it doesn’t really change anything, but I try to be supportive of him). I also often already feel to “complicated” in my queer identity, as an asexual, biromantic, not-quite-a-girl, open-to-poly-relationships, kinda person while he is a more traditional straight cis man (like I said, he’s always very supportive but sometimes I feel like I’m too much ya know). I live in a very conservative area so I only have a few queer friends, and they are all also close friends with him, so I don’t really have too many people to talk to about this. Is it unfair to just keep this to myself? I know having secrets is not a good basis for any relationship, but it doesn’t really change anything except for my perspective on my feelings.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @brakeforgothgirls

 

What makes you feel that you aren't romantic? Do you like to have intimacy and share affection with him? Maybe for him that's what it means to be romantic. Hard to know.

Maybe someday you can talk on romance if you want to. If he's satisfied with the relationship you don't necessarily have to say something though if he asks what's romance to you it could be useful to know how you feel.

[Guest]

Yeah, I would tell him.... I would though, tell him "I'm trying to understand myself / figure out X" - because like, well that's literally my recomendation based on my expereicne actually lol, so it might be different for you. But, I had to process my new orientation label and understand what it meant and assess my own feelings to see what it was I was really feeling and to kind of make sure that "yes, I aman asexual aromantic" - and honestly I went back and forth over that for the past eight years, and still aren't 100% sure. 

 

For me, I need to see that an idea I have subsists over time to be sure it's an idea I trully back. 

 

I'm alterous. Alterous attraction is an emotional attraction that is not fully platonic and not fully romantic. It could be something in between them, or a combination of them, or something else entirely. I feel like my alterous can be any of the three to be honest... part of it feels unique to me, an emotional attraction, part of it feels platonic because I want a connection and am perfectly content with it being a friendship, and then it's stronger than what I'd expect platonic attraction to be but weaker than I expect romantic attraction could be. 

 

Anyway, if you DO feel attracted to your partner but aren't really finding it to be romantic in nature, it could be:

Platonic attraction (some people who want a qpr or even a romantic relationship only feel platonic attraction)

Alterous attraction (sometimes there's something called QP attraction, I'm no expert but I think that would still fall under the category of alterous, but I haven't discussed that with anyone)

Aesthetic attraction ( Liking how someone looks)

Sensual attraction (whating a physical connection with them beyond sex or sexuality)

and of course romantic and sexual attraction

 

 

To be honest though, I'm not entirely sure how to define platonic, alterous, and romantic attraction so that they're understandably different. The problem is that How attraction might feel for different people could be wildly different.

 

The general idea of romantic attraction is that:

• maybe you desire a romantic connection
• or feel an innate desire to be in a romantic relationship with some
• Maybe your attraction feels like it should be labeled romantic
• maybe you find yourself wanting to give gestures that represent or are romantic in nature

I can't say if "I feel no romantic attraction but desire one of the above makes sense or not... for sexual attraction I say that if your'e expressing your attraction to them through sex, that's one way it could be sexual attraction. So the paralel here is... if you desire one of the above four, if it is comming from your attraction AND is an intrinsic (and not extrinsic) desire, then it's probably romantic. For example, I feel alterous attraction to people, and I also want to give romantic gestures if I can - but that wanting comes from the expectation that I'm partially likely to be paired with ssomeone romantic who expects those expressions, and I want them to feel that connection in the way they expect. So, that's an extrinsic desire - "I want my partner to be happy, so I'm gonna do X" - where as if I was like "Oh, I feel alterous attraction to them, and how I express that attraction through them is romantically. I just need that romantic connect." then I would be wiser to call my attraction romantic, since the attraction is directly influencing, related to, or causing romantic desire

 

So that's on how I personlly would differentiate romantic attraction from the other two emotional attractions. 

 

ah, I have to go... 

[WhiteCatandcherries]

If you are not romantically attraction to him, I think he deserved to know so he can makes his own informed decision of where he stands regarding the situation and the relationship. It might matter to him, it might not, but it is an fact that is important enough that he should know it.  

[MarRister]

What do you think of as romantic attraction vs QP attraction? I would probably ditch the labels and just explain how you actually feel without the baggage of what romance means or doesn't mean and then he can make his own decision if that is enough for him. I think telling your romantic partner you are not 'romantically attracted' to them is just making problems where it seems like none actually exist. Romantic relationships come with other connotations than platonic ones for most people, but some of the big ones are a strong commitment and a deeper emotional bond than in comparison to typical platonic relationships. To say you don't feel romantic feelings, might just confuse the hell out of him and make it seem like you don't care strongly for him or don't want to be in a committed relationship. If you deeply care for him, and want to be in a relationship with him, and he feels deeply cared for and satisfied by your expression of that in the relationship, then I'm not sure this is helpful. 

 

I honestly don't understand what the difference is between a queer platonic relationship and a romantic relationship without sex. I think most cis het people aren't going to understand either, but if he is fine without the sex part he may be totally content in a QPR on your end while still thinking of it as romantic on his end. To me the idea of a QPR just feels like a distancing from what people consider to be stereotypically romantic. Even romantic people are not always compatible in their expectations of what they want out of a romantic relationship. But that is his decision to make, I don't think other people should dictate how someone else should feel about their relationship. If he can still view it as romantic, while you queer platonic, all the while you are both open with how you feel about each other (without dragging in outside influences of stereotypical relationships), then I don't see any real issue. 

[merkitty]

Do you want to be in a committed relationship with him? Is he the person you want to spend the most of your time with? Do you care about him? Is him being happy important to you? Do you like doing nice things for him? Do you like showing him affection? Does it make you happy when he's affectionate to you, whatever that means in your relationship? Do you enjoy the degree of intimacy you have with him, whether it's emotional, physical, other, etc? Do you consider your relationship with him different than a friendship? Is your relationship with him the relationship you put the most time, effort, and positive energy into, and is it more important to you than your other relationships? Do you consider him your best friend? Would be there for him on his bad days?

 

If the answers to these questions were mostly yes, you don't need to say anything. Most people would consider that romantic attraction, and I bet he would also consider it romantic attraction.

 

If the answers to those questions were mostly no, then you need to talk to him. I would be devastated if I found out my partner didn't feel those things about me, and I think your partner would probably be more hurt if you kept that from him than if you told him as soon as you realized.

[Sally]

No matter what label you would put on yourself -- romantic, not romantic -- he deserves to know how you feel.  So without using any labels or words that he may not understand, tell him exactly how you feel and what you don't feel.  

[nanogretchen4]

Does he know that you are asexual? If not, telling him that he is four months into a mixed orientation relationship is probably the first thing on your to do list. As for your romantic or not romantic feelings, the standard way of expressing the feelings you are describing is "I love you but I'm not in love with you," and the not-in-love person usually says it while breaking up with their partner. If you have the coming out as asexual talk first, your partner may ask whether you have romantic feelings for him/are in love with him, or something similar. In that case, you will have to have both coming out talks on the same day.

 

If your partner knows you are asexual and wants to continue the mixed orientation relationship, I think you could take another month or two to contemplate your feelings about your partner and the relationship. It is par for the course that many people don't know whether they are in love with their partner and where they want the relationship to go in the longterm after four months. Are you sure that you feel comfortable having this romantic relationship with him and that you would like the relationship to continue in its current form? How sure are you that you will not slowly fall in love with your partner? Are you able to explain exactly how your feelings for your partner are different from romantic love? Since you identify as biromantic, this is not so much a coming out talk as a "How do we feel about each other and where is our relationship going?" talk.