Older asexuals who are/were in a romantic/sexual relationship

[Guest]

I'm writing this in the older Ace forum because I'd love to have responses from older asexuals who have been in a romantic and/ or sexual relationship or are currently in one. 

 

Just to say I found Aven about a year ago which was an eye opener and I'm currently working through things with my husband.

 

We're mostly doing okay, but we're currently trying to get out of our self constructed rut.

 

My ace husband is 69. 

He believes he wasn't always ace and that he understands what sexuality is.

 

From my perspective I think he was always ace and very uninterested in sex. Even when we had an active sex life it was always very vanilla and luke warm. 

 

From my understanding he was over the moon with our relationship and sex life which quickly dwindled down to nothing.

 

For years he was in therapy to try to fix things until Aven.

 

He now thinks that if he weren't asexual our sexual life might still be nonexistent due to age, menopause etc. I think his response is mainly due to the fact that although he acknowledges he's asexual he's uncomfortable with the label. Sound familiar?

 

The questions I've posed him and also want to pose to other fellow asexuals is do you really understand sexuality? 

 

The reason I ask this question is that I've read such contradictory responses, so I'm still asking. Curiosity, comparison... But also because in all honesty I don't think I really understand asexuality. I have a glimmer, but can't feel it.

 

 

Also, he says, since he doesn't think about sex I should be the one initiating intimate encounters. Such as cuddling naked in bed, massage etc. However, as I am too afraid of being rebuked I dare not ask. 

The expectation on his part is that I make a move, but for me it's a trap. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Any real life experiences worth sharing on this front would be welcome. Bare in mind that my asexual husband won't make a list of what is or not acceptable so no lists please.

 

 

There's a vicious circle. 

He believes that if I were nicer he would be more intimate. I believe if we were more intimate I'd be nicer.

So here's the crux of the matter. The sexual incompatibility is not at all about sex but the incompatibility of understanding, feeling what the other feels.

 If I could erase my sexuality completely perhaps I could behave differently, ditto for him. Again does this ring true to any other ace person?

 

I have read many posts on Aven where asexuals are sexually active for a myriad of reasons, and when I read these posts I always think then it's down to me. I simply haven't been skilful enough.

Them I read posts where they confirm my reality ie asexual totally uninterested in sex with their partner or anyone else. 

For a while I'm at peace with that knowledge, but then I wonder why do I feel neglected?

My feelings only fuel a a self fulfilled prophecy. Neglect, anger distance, more neglect, more anger.

So how do asexuals overcome their sexual partner's feelings of neglect. 

What help have you had? 

 

Thanks in advance for sharing older asexuals.

 

 

 

 

[Latestarter]

20 hours ago, Astutusdomina said:

From my perspective I think he was always ace and very uninterested in sex. Even when we had an active sex life it was always very vanilla and luke warm. 

I’m the ace in our marriage. I’m 61 and he’s 56.  As above sex was a chore and once we had 2 children I couldn’t see the point any more.

 

20 hours ago, Astutusdomina said:

Also, he says, since he doesn't think about sex I should be the one initiating intimate encounters. Such as cuddling naked in bed, massage etc. However, as I am too afraid of being rebuked I dare not ask. 

My husband has been afraid to touch me for a long time as he always gets rejected and it destroys him more each time.  For me any contact always got pushed into more intimate touching and I can’t cope with this. I crave romance and cuddles but hate moving into kissing. We have slept in separate bedrooms for many years.

 

20 hours ago, Astutusdomina said:

asexual totally uninterested in sex with their partner or anyone else. 

I would say this fits me exactly but I’m starting to wonder after reading lots of different experiences and opinions whether my attitude would be different with someone else.  In the 35 years since we met neither of us has had any romantic or sexual experiences with anyone else.  Maybe that’s the problem. However I didn’t find sex did anything for me before I met him and I couldn’t understand why. Being asexual seems to make sense of my life.

 

20 hours ago, Astutusdomina said:

So how do asexuals overcome their sexual partner's feelings of neglect. 

What help have you had? 

I’m finding it impossible at the moment. I’ve only just admitted that I think I’m asexual and it’s pushed him into quite serious depression.  He had his second counselling session yesterday as he has dealt with a lot of serious issues since he was a boy and it has been building up for years.  He feels he can no longer contemplate living the next 30? years like this but I can’t overcome my feelings and have sex because he needs it. I do still love him, although in a different way to 20 years ago and I don’t want to hurt him but I am currently, selfishly, in a situation that I can continue to live in indefinitely.  It’s not ideal as there is no emotion, which I’m sure we both need but we are trying to discuss things more, even though it is painful.

 

This may not be of practical use to you but it might help you to understand that your husband doesn’t want to reject you.

 

20 hours ago, Astutusdomina said:

do you really understand sexuality? 

No, I don’t think I do.  I didn’t experience an orgasm until I was in my 50’s and have never achieved one with another person therefore I don’t understand why I would want to have sex.  There is nothing to be gained from it and I find it painful and distasteful.

[Guest]

Thanks for this. I'm curious as to the comment on the non emotion. You see I totally believe we love each other deeply, emotion, but our sexual mismatch feels a bit like I'm sleepy walking. Love you to expand on the non emotion. Ta

[Latestarter]

I truly felt like I’d found my life partner and soulmate when we met 35 years ago.  I’d tried relationships but mostly one night stands to see if anyone could awaken some sort of feeling in me.  
 

With my then boyfriend and 14 years later my husband, I felt such emotion (love, connection, never wanting to be apart) that I couldn’t imagine that it would ever end. This emotion faded slowly.

 

At first the sexual part of our relationship fizzled out.  In part I blame him for not listening to me when I felt he was pushing me away.  Not meaning to be coarse but he kept saying do you fancy a shag, which I found insulting as though I was an object and told him it made me feel like a prostitute, only wanted for sex.  He kept on saying it and part of my love for him died.

 

He then said I was rejecting him and called me frigid when I didn’t want any closeness between us to turn into sex.  This was a downward spiral and we went from loving each other to being friends to losing respect for each other to disliking each other to now feeling nothing.  We live in the same house but, because it’s large, can go the whole day without seeing each other.

 

That’s why I say there’s no emotion because we no longer go near each other for fear of rejection.  Things are falling apart with our whole family at the moment and we really need each other but the support is practical only, not physical or emotional.

 

Total mess really. I would love to be able to cuddle him to give us both the feeling that we can tackle all our problems together but there is such a barrier now that we can’t pass it.  I want to and I don’t want us to part as we’ve spent so long together, over half our lives but we need the friendship to come back first before anything else can improve.  He won’t talk about the way I feel so doesn’t understand me.  I feel no emotion emanating from him.

 

Your situation sounds like a strong base which you possibly can strengthen with continued communication and an attempt to reach a mutually acceptable compromise.  Your different attitudes to sex seem to be the only real issue.  Keep trying.  If life together is better than life apart perhaps there are ways that you can both feel wanted, understood and respected without destroying each other in the process like we have done.

 

That was rather too much in terms of expansion but today is a really low point for us.   If you have managed to keep reading this far, thank you so much.

[Guest]

Yes, I have. And I truly feel for you. I have no magical words to caress you with, but a glimmer of understanding of how things can really spiral. Be strong. Love yourself first and then, if you can, try an love what is around you. My very best wishes. Hugs

[Latestarter]

Thank you. Much appreciated. 

[Passer]

On 8/30/2022 at 10:47 PM, Astutusdomina said:

The questions I've posed him and also want to pose to other fellow asexuals is do you really understand sexuality? 

 

The reason I ask this question is that I've read such contradictory responses, so I'm still asking. Curiosity, comparison... But also because in all honesty I don't think I really understand asexuality. I have a glimmer, but can't feel it.

 

 

Also, he says, since he doesn't think about sex I should be the one initiating intimate encounters. Such as cuddling naked in bed, massage etc. However, as I am too afraid of being rebuked I dare not ask. 

The expectation on his part is that I make a move, but for me it's a trap. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Any real life experiences worth sharing on this front would be welcome. Bare in mind that my asexual husband won't make a list of what is or not acceptable so no lists please.

 

 

There's a vicious circle. 

He believes that if I were nicer he would be more intimate. I believe if we were more intimate I'd be nicer.

So here's the crux of the matter. The sexual incompatibility is not at all about sex but the incompatibility of understanding, feeling what the other feels.

 If I could erase my sexuality completely perhaps I could behave differently, ditto for him. Again does this ring true to any other ace person?

 

 

So how do asexuals overcome their sexual partner's feelings of neglect. 

What help have you had? 

 

I'm the (gray) Ace one in the relationship and it's all pretty new to us still, so we're not out of the woods yet. But I do want to share some things.

 

- TMI warning for talk about my sex life - 

Spoiler

 

Before discovering the term asexuality and what it's all about, I thought of myself as a 'normal person' (meaning: a sexual person). I wasn't all that into sex, could often think of better things to do, but I chalked it up to a myriad of reasons to explain why I didn't want sex as often as my husband. Some of those reasons are pretty valid (for example the ones that had to do with painful physical stuff or hormones - oh, the joy of being a woman!), but it wasn't until I read up on asexuality that I started to connect the dots. That I saw that there was an underlying reason to all the things that made me either reject sex or see it more like a chore than a fun way to pass the time, especially after the first few years of our relationship. Perimenopause (early) and all the hormonal messes that come with it also have a strong influence on the whole wanting sex thing (a negative influence, at least for my husband).

However, I do think I understand being sexual, if only because I thought of myself like that for a very long time and because my partner for twenty years is pretty easy to read when it comes to his want/need for sex. So at least I have an understanding of what being sexual means for him. We also have a pretty active sex life, which I often struggle to keep up with to keep him happy. (and the sex itself is fine, he's really focused on me, it's mostly the frequency that's the trouble)

 

Like you said about yourself, being intimate makes him nicer. He can turn into a grumpy toddler when I reject him. Sometimes he can take a two or three rejections after another, sometimes he's disgruntled after one rejection already. Sometimes he gets grumpy after five days of no sex, sometimes he wants it the next day again already and is really disappointed when I turn him down. Of course his behaviour has an effect on me: if we are at odds with each other, I feel even less like having sex. And it puts pressure on me to have sex (which is understandably counterproductive when it comes to getting in the mood) because I know it will be clear blue skies again after we have sex and I hate being mad at each other. In the past we could have fights about it and then the next day I would put out, sort of like 'make up sex'. I'm not sure if he viewed it like that. I do know he was mostly clueless to (or ignored) how I gave in just to keep things nice and smooth between us. I've mentioned it every now and then over the years and he never likes to hear that. Understandably he wants to be wanted, wants to have sex for love and feeling good, not as a sweetener for the relationship.

We've talked about the difference between our wants for sex a lot (or argued about it), even years before I discovered the ace label. His theory is that it's best for both of us to have sex every few days: he'll be happy with the frequency and I won't have the time to get worked up about 'having to perform again'. In some way he is right: having sex regularly means I'm used to it, sort of, and I (can) enjoy it. Sometimes it's hard for me to 'start' again when we've been going to somewhat of a dry spell (which is probably not even that long a time compared to other relationships). However, even in times when my hormones/body are playing nice and everything is going well, I still struggle to keep up with the 'at least twice a week' frequency after a week or maybe two. And it gets harder as I get older (I'm 38 now - early perimenopause sucks). Being more aware of myself regarding to my sexuality also doesn't really help, to be honest.

 

 

So, as far as understanding sexuality, for me it's more an understanding of my husband. I do make mistakes though. I can interpret a touch as sexual and cramp up, when he means nothing with it. However, I've found that even when he means nothing with it, he's always open to the opportunity, should it arise. So even innocent touches could open the way to sex, which sadly means that I often shy away from those touches. I don't seek them out for fear of leading him on and/or having to tell him no again. However, if/because I often shy away from them, it means he gets hopeful for a chance of sex when I do touch him out of my own volition or if I don't turn him down immediately when he puts a hand underneath my shirt. So that's a difficult balance. I would love to cuddle more if I knew it would not go beyond that, but I find that there's often a request for sex tied to it (right away or at the next suitable moment)... It's a vicious cycle, just like you said.

[Latestarter]

If it wasn’t for the fact that I know I didn’t, I would think I wrote the above, Passer!  My husband says his future has been destroyed because the hope has been removed.  

I’m reading and learning from the posts by both partners in mixed marriages like mine and we are both struggling.  Admittedly there are lots of other things going wrong in our lives than me realising I’m asexual but the depression my husband feels could be lifted a lot if the years hadn’t pushed us away from each other.  

 

He is trying to understand but when I say we still have lots to talk through he says we’ve done all that.  I want us to have a full and open discussion with no time limit on what sexuality and asexuality means to us now and how we can move on. Currently this isn’t happening.

 

In an attempt to keep negotiations open I have said we need to get back the friendship side first and am trying to initiate a hug when things get too much.  This is nice as we’d stopped doing this years ago for the same reasons as you gave above.  However he generally thinks I’m offering more than a cuddle and says he’s getting confused.  
 

I can fully understand this and don’t want him to feel like this but I can’t think of how to move forward. I would like to get to the stage that some of you have and be able to have sex sometimes but I can’t rekindle the attraction if I am worried about losing control over what happens next. I think that I’ve become somewhat sex averse so there are a lot of hurdles to overcome.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation that they’ve managed to improve?

[A-certitude]

On 8/30/2022 at 9:47 PM, Astutusdomina said:

Also, he says, since he doesn't think about sex I should be the one initiating intimate encounters. Such as cuddling naked in bed, massage etc. However, as I am too afraid of being rebuked I dare not ask. 

The expectation on his part is that I make a move, but for me it's a trap. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. 

 

There's a vicious circle. 

He believes that if I were nicer he would be more intimate. I believe if we were more intimate I'd be nicer.

 

I've had this experience as well, in my asexual/sexual relationship. The vicious circle you describe is very much real. It appears you both have different needs/trigger or you don't have the same love language.

Do you have any kind of compromise, a way to meet halfway ?

 

Also, from an asexual perspective, your asexual partner is not rejecting you. They were and are attracted to you, chose and love you. They crave intimate connection with you, only, from what I've read, they do not equate thoat need for connection with sex. They are just not built to do so. And it's quite painful when the sexual partner is - even righfully so - angry, resentful, cold like their SO is doing this on purpose. Why would they intentionally hurt the one they love, chose and still choose everyday ? Who enjoys being a subminority of a minority just for fun or for the sake of being special ?

 

Because we're evolving in a very sexual world and confronted to hypersexuality all the times, asexuals are often misunderstood or dismissed. Many asexuals can empathize with their sexual partners while the opposite is rare. As a result, asexuals can often be the ones apologizing for being who they are. That's if they don't end up thinking they're frauds or imposters.

 

I think communication is key. Counselling also can be of help.

[A-certitude]

On 9/2/2022 at 1:36 PM, Latestarter said:

I truly felt like I’d found my life partner and soulmate when we met 35 years ago.  I’d tried relationships but mostly one night stands to see if anyone could awaken some sort of feeling in me.  
 

With my then boyfriend and 14 years later my husband, I felt such emotion (love, connection, never wanting to be apart) that I couldn’t imagine that it would ever end. This emotion faded slowly.

 

At first the sexual part of our relationship fizzled out.  In part I blame him for not listening to me when I felt he was pushing me away.  Not meaning to be coarse but he kept saying do you fancy a shag, which I found insulting as though I was an object and told him it made me feel like a prostitute, only wanted for sex.  He kept on saying it and part of my love for him died.

 

He then said I was rejecting him and called me frigid when I didn’t want any closeness between us to turn into sex.  This was a downward spiral and we went from loving each other to being friends to losing respect for each other to disliking each other to now feeling nothing.  We live in the same house but, because it’s large, can go the whole day without seeing each other.

 

That’s why I say there’s no emotion because we no longer go near each other for fear of rejection.  Things are falling apart with our whole family at the moment and we really need each other but the support is practical only, not physical or emotional.

 

Total mess really. I would love to be able to cuddle him to give us both the feeling that we can tackle all our problems together but there is such a barrier now that we can’t pass it.  I want to and I don’t want us to part as we’ve spent so long together, over half our lives but we need the friendship to come back first before anything else can improve.  He won’t talk about the way I feel so doesn’t understand me.  I feel no emotion emanating from him.

 

Your situation sounds like a strong base which you possibly can strengthen with continued communication and an attempt to reach a mutually acceptable compromise.  Your different attitudes to sex seem to be the only real issue.  Keep trying.  If life together is better than life apart perhaps there are ways that you can both feel wanted, understood and respected without destroying each other in the process like we have done.

 

That was rather too much in terms of expansion but today is a really low point for us.   If you have managed to keep reading this far, thank you so much.

This totally resonates. I can only hope you both are in a process of healing and reconstruction.

 

Once I've passed the honeymoon phase with myself, just after I put words on my sexual orientation, I was thrown into a pit of sadness and despair. It was never in my intention to hurt or reject my SO but it took them years and years to admit that.

 

I was just not aware of the possibility that asexuality could be applicable to me. For a while I though I had a condition that affected my libido. I was having my own inner battle while he was just resenting me and not listening.

 

Being the non sexual one, I've always felt entirely responsible for figuring what the issue was. Only I could do it objectively. But it took some time and meanwhile, so many things went wrong. We were both on an emotional rollercoaster the whole time.

 

 I feel like I've failed the two of us.

[Passer]

13 hours ago, A-certitude said:

Being the non sexual one, I've always felt entirely responsible for figuring what the issue was. Only I could do it objectively. But it took some time and meanwhile, so many things went wrong. We were both on an emotional rollercoaster the whole time.

 

 I feel like I've failed the two of us.

I always feel responsible too. Like, I'm the one who says no to a 'fun idea'. (At least: an idea that most of the population thinks is fun) And I don’t always say no either, so my stance on the matter seems to fluctuate when looked at from the outside.

And since I feel different, it's on me to figure out exactly how and why. Oh and then feel guilty about it, because my sexual partner isn’t in the wrong for wanting to have sex to show his love for me. I'm holding him back on ways to show his love and - on top of that - I'm not showing my love that way, so he misses that too. It's one big guilt fest some days.

 

And if I remind myself that I'm not doing anything wrong, that my thoughts and feelings are valid, I sometimes (often?) get mad at him for not seeing how much I already strain myself to keep him happy in the bedroom. Or for repeatedly trying to get me on board with his plans... 

And then I feel guilty again because I don't want to be mad at him. 🙄

[Siena71]

I just wanted to chine in and say I am so grateful for your posts. I feel like every one of you understands what I am feeling, and that is such a blessing because I usually feel so weird, guilty, and misunderstood. So many things that have been shared here resonate with me.

 

I felt almost positive 6 months ago when I learned about being asexual, but now it just feels hard and I wonder how or if my husband and I are going to get to  place of peace. He is very understanding, but he is deeply hurting. Someone above mentioned that they felt like they are becoming sex repulsed, which I wonder about myself too. After a recent very difficult sexual encounter with my husband (which I tried to hide from him somewhat successfully) I was really worried that I just wouldn't be able to do it again. Thankfully the next time was okay, but I feel terrible for my husband  because the the sex is crap. We both have to compromise so much. It's so difficult. 

[Latestarter]

On 9/19/2022 at 6:01 AM, Siena71 said:

I was really worried that I just wouldn't be able to do it again. Thankfully the next time was okay,

As the person thinking I’m becoming sex repulsed, I couldn’t currently contemplate doing it once, never mind trying again if it was difficult.  That’s what I’ve been doing for most of my marriage and I don’t feel able to start pretending again, even though my husband is also hurting so much.  As you say, it’s so difficult.