GreyA Posted August 27, 2022 Share Posted August 27, 2022 Hey everyone, After being in a sexual relationship of 3 years, I thought there's something asexual about me that I can't put my finger around it - so I decided to read all the asexual terms from 'Asexuals Fandom' website about it. https://asexuals.fandom.com/wiki/Special:AllPages Sex experience wise; 90% of the time I was mostly doing it to please my partner and societal standard, but I rather have a non-sexual relationship next time to save myself from headaches. I, thank my ex for the experience as I wouldn't know I was grey-ace otherwise. Anyways, I think I'm Aliquasexual (Feels attraction under certain circumstances [Usually they just freshly showered and have fit and confident body language]) with a Pseudosexual undertone (strong physical attraction without an intrinsic drive to commit sexual acts with them) followed by Acorsexuality (I feel the pseudo-attraction, but have strong aversion to act upon on it due to past mediocre and unpleasant smelly sex experiences; and masturbation is 100% better anyway and more time to do other productive stuff) (I think sex is mediocre because my my clit is placed too far away from my vagina hole so penetration is just okayish, missing the main attraction and I don’t think I have a G-Spot inside sadly) Also, I relate to Demi-Zenniace, I feel sexual attraction at first to my ex first but it faded gradually in 1-2 months; but if I haven't seen him for awhile (1 month+) then I feel that sexual attraction to him but then it fades completely straight after one time sex And from there I went back to my default trio: Aliquasexual, Pseudosexual and Acorsexuality with him and everyone else Also, I relate to these three terms (Solo Style): Adexsexual (experience sexual attraction through sexual content) Aremsexual (Have a sex drive but low attraction to others generally) Autoresexual (experience sexual attraction due to masturbation) If I get to a new relationship, I think my Acorsexuality can easily overpower the Demi-Zenniace, the honeymoon phase, but we will see I consider myself perhaps light grey ace, libidoist and sex-ambivalent Anyone else can relate? Let me know if I used these seven terms incorrectly or there’s a contradiction or something! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RileyA Posted August 27, 2022 Share Posted August 27, 2022 Quote Aliquasexual (Feels attraction under certain circumstances [Usually they just freshly showered and have fit and confident body language]) Most people value hygiene and a general aura that they admire. I don't think this needs a label as such. Everyone needs certain circumstances to feel attraction. One condition can eradicate attraction. If i see a really hot guy but he is eating a live baby, I may not see him as all that hot any more. Quote with a Pseudosexual undertone (strong physical attraction without an intrinsic drive to commit sexual acts with them) My partner is like this but he would say it's about his sexual role as a submissive that means he doesn't exactly feel the drive to come up, grab me, and kiss me furiously to start off sex. Quote followed by Acorsexuality (I feel the pseudo-attraction, but have strong aversion to act upon on it due to past mediocre and unpleasant smelly sex experiences; and masturbation is 100% better anyway and more time to do other productive stuff) So you've had negative experiences of sex and now you're kind of put off by it due to said bad experiences? Spoiler (I think sex is mediocre because my my clit is placed too far away from my vagina hole so penetration is just okayish, missing the main attraction and I don’t think I have a G-Spot inside sadly) Spoiler I think you should look up anatomy a bit more. But most cis women don't get all that much from PIV. Maybe other forms of stimulation may work better for you. Quote Also, I relate to Demi-Zenniace, I feel sexual attraction at first to my ex first but it faded gradually in 1-2 months; This is called New Relationship Energy or The Honeymoon Period. It's very very common for the buzz to fade a little after this time. Quote but if I haven't seen him for awhile (1 month+) then I feel that sexual attraction to him but then it fades completely straight after one time sex It sounds like you don't want sex as frequently as most allo people do, so when you get it once a month at least, you're good. That's about your libido. Quote Adexsexual (experience sexual attraction through sexual content) Do you mean you indulge in erotic material, and then become aroused? Like many people do watching pornography? Quote Aremsexual (Have a sex drive but low attraction to others generally) Yes this is about libido. Quote Autoresexual (experience sexual attraction due to masturbation) Do you mean that touching yourself makes you aroused? If so, that's quite common too. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted August 27, 2022 Share Posted August 27, 2022 I don't need to repeat everything Riley said so I won't, but none of these things sound like asexuality to me. They sound like preferences and aspects of being a woman and the effects of various life experiences and just... everything is well within the realms of what sexual people experience. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MarRister Posted August 27, 2022 Share Posted August 27, 2022 27 minutes ago, GreyA said: Spoiler I think sex is mediocre because my my clit is placed too far away from my vagina hole so penetration is just okayish, missing the main attraction and I don’t think I have a G-Spot inside sadly Spoiler This is pretty standard for AFAB people. Though I'm pretty sure every AFAB person has a G-spot, since it is just the internal part of the clitoris, you might just not get much from that kind of stimulation, which again is not that uncommon. Sex can include a whole lot more than just penetration too. I'd also be curious to know how you are defining sexual attraction. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted August 27, 2022 Share Posted August 27, 2022 I think you might just be asexual. You mentioned experiencing pseudosexuality, a strong physical attraction that does not lead to a desire to have partnered sex. You also mentioned being strongly averse to having sex with people you are attracted to. Maybe you are experiencing aesthetic and sensual attraction, not sexual attraction. That sounds confusing, which is why someone coined the pseudosexual label. You keep doubting your feelings, and occasionally the combo of aesthetic and sensual attraction tricks you once again into thinking that you want sex, but when you try having sex in real life you realize once again that you don't actually want it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
GreyA Posted August 28, 2022 Author Share Posted August 28, 2022 Thank you guys for replying, it is very appreciated! @nanogretchen4 @Ceebs @MarRisterMy understanding that allosexual people feel sexual attraction to few hot strangers/celebs, but mostly when they form a closer emotional bond to the person they are talking to. Also, it seems to me that the universal experience for monogamous relationship is that they have the honeymoon period, followed by regular sex, and then fades overtime as years go on, with low key still have sexual attraction to them. I say sexual attraction is desire to have sex with the other person physically? For me, perhaps I think I feel pseudosexual to few super hot topless celebs and freshly showered fit men I know or not know (sorry it seems quite objectifying). Having one-sided romantic attraction to someone (not freshly showered & topless at the moment) - I don't feel any sexual attraction. I just feel the romantic attraction. Start of my relationship with my ex-partner (honeymoon period) I think I feel real sexual attraction to him but then faded to nothing after 1-2 months. The rest of my relationship, I only feel up and down romantic attraction and spikes of pseudosexual. Perhaps a hint of real sexual attraction if we haven't done it for a month or 2 and he be freshly showered (sorry, I keep mentioning it lol). Of course, knowing penetration sex is not that satisfying then I just brush it off quite easily. l. But most of the time I just feel no sexual attraction to my partner. Just care romantically. Mathematically, approximately and theoretically speaking, I feel hint of sexual attraction 6-12 times a year to my ex-partner. But then being acorsexual, I don't really want to act on it. And if I was still with my ex-partner (who is allosexual) right now, I probably agree to do it with him once in 2 months. Might subject to change. Before, I was having sex at his pace, every other day, then gradually it turn to 3 times a week, then 2, then 1, then twice a month then once a month - destroys me in the inside that I can't just keep up. I forgot to mention: we met when we were healthy 20 years old then we broke up when we 24 years old which is this year. Therefore, if I were to be in a relationship again - I think it be better if the other person is grey-ace or ace as well. @RileyASame, I don't have a drive to initiate! And maybe we should have explore toys - oh well. Might not ever now. And yes, erotic materials works well - I don't go looking for it - just a random sex scene in the show is enough Sorry for Too Long To Read and thanks for reading! - Feel free to express whatever Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah-Sylvia Posted August 28, 2022 Share Posted August 28, 2022 Hi 🌈 39 minutes ago, GreyA said: Mathematically, approximately and theoretically speaking, I feel hint of sexual attraction 6-12 times a year to my ex-partner. But then being acorsexual, I don't really want to act on it. And if I was still with my ex-partner (who is allosexual) right now, I probably agree to do it with him once in 2 months. Might subject to change. To me this part was very telling. I think it's very under what someone (allo)sexual would look for sexually in a relationship. And I feel the same that it's better if a partner is gray-asexual too. Being with someone sexual can be a lot of pressure. I know that me personally I'm compatible with someone asexual too, because I don't need sex to be part of a relationship. Hope you can find what works for you overall in any case. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RileyA Posted August 28, 2022 Share Posted August 28, 2022 1 hour ago, GreyA said: sexual attraction to few hot strangers/celebs, but mostly when they form a closer emotional bond to the person they are talking to. I don't think you can generalize. I'd say it's more accurate to say that a person has to like the other person. 1 hour ago, GreyA said: it seems to me that the universal experience for monogamous relationship is that they have the honeymoon period, followed by regular sex, and then fades overtime as years go on, with low key still have sexual attraction to them. I don't think you can generalize. I've been with one of my partners since we were teens. I am still sexually attracted to her despite the fact I'm not even into cis women that much. 1 hour ago, GreyA said: I don't feel any sexual attraction. I just feel the romantic attraction. Do you think that maybe you need to feel a level of trust with someone before you can envisage being vulnerable with them in the ways one is with a sexual partner? 1 hour ago, GreyA said: Perhaps a hint of real sexual attraction if we haven't done it for a month or 2 This sounds like you're talking about being aroused more than attracted. 1 hour ago, GreyA said: feel hint of sexual attraction 6-12 times a year to my ex-partner Yeah it really seems like you're talking about the number of times you wanted sex with them, which is about libido. One a month is within the realm of allo sexuality. I'm not constantly aware of my sexual attraction to my partners. You certainly seem incompatible with your ex. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted August 28, 2022 Share Posted August 28, 2022 On 8/26/2022 at 11:17 PM, Ceebs said: I don't need to repeat everything Riley said so I won't, but none of these things sound like asexuality to me. They sound like preferences and aspects of being a woman and the effects of various life experiences and just... everything is well within the realms of what sexual people experience. I just want to repeat what Ceebs says above, because I was married to a sexual and a longtime partner to another sexual, and those 35+ years -- plus talking with sexuals all those years because who knew asexuals back then? -- taught me that sexuals experience everything that you've mentioned. There's no need to break it down into infinitesimally tiny piece for each evanescent feeling and name them all individually. Unless you really want to, in which case, go for it. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted August 28, 2022 Share Posted August 28, 2022 There's a lot of breaking stuff down here, yeah, and I'm not sure it's necessary. I don't do that with my own attraction to/desire for my partner because I don't find it necessary as long as we're more or less on the same page sexually overall and know how to communicate about it if something comes up where we're not. Every little nuance that I experience, or that he experiences, doesn't really need its own label. We're just two people with a connection that includes sex that's based on both of our desires, and it's stuff we communicate to each other through normal conversation in full sentences. Giving each preference a label wouldn't actually add to our understanding of ourselves or each other. If you feel these words really contribute to your understanding of your relationship with your ex, or to any potential relationships with future partners, or how you experience attraction to people in general or what your masturbatory preferences are, then as @Sally said, go for it... but I often see people become obsessed with these words to the point their self-analysis becomes more important than just living and experiencing things. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted August 28, 2022 Share Posted August 28, 2022 I'm just following Ceebs around here and agreeing with her. I feel like I lived almost my whole life in the sexual world, listening and observing, as what turned out to be a ghost asexual. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RileyA Posted August 28, 2022 Share Posted August 28, 2022 Spoiler I've gone through a pretty much lifelong journey on what label I should use for my sexuality. Most recently, I've settled on gay and/or homoflexible. The reason I needed to settle is because I needed to make choices about my future relationships based on my past experiences. That's what I've always needed to do. When I decided to wear this label, it came with some follow-up actions. Because as I say, it was about how I want to relate to others - something that wasn't going right for me. It meant that, where I could, I'd stop women viewing me on dating apps. I'd make it clear to new women I interact with that I'm quite decided on my sexuality and we are incompatible for dating/sex, should they head in that direction. I stick to queer spaces. Queer masc/male spaces where possible. My attraction to women is "little", but indeed fleeting enough for it to be a major incompatibility for the vast majority of women seeking relationships with cis men. I went years using a more neutral label because I was wary about limiting my dating pool - it didn't seem worth it when I had already experienced the limitations of not being 100% monosexual. But after some time, embracing that label and culling my dating pool accordingly did seem a superior option to the mutually unsatisfying relationships I was having with most women I dated. They weren't all terrible, but it caused anguish and insecurity in both of us because my attraction was so ambivalent . The spoiler is just a long story about a big part of my "label journey". Below is how I feel like it corresponds to the use of these labels, in relation to the OP. Tldr: I can't see the sense in using these labels unless you're prepared to only seek people specifically compatible with them and potentially miss out on partners who are a good match, but you'd have to connect with them to know that. You can't connect because these labels falsely make you one or both of you believe you're unable to meet each other's needs. So I guess I'm asking if you use these labels, what next? How will it affect your actions? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rainbowocollie Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 So while I think that gray-asexuality is legit, I'm not a fan of all the micro labels out there. Some of them are within the confines of gray-asexuality, others sound like someone not understanding what allosexuals experience. Some might be inclined to call this "wanting to be special", but I don't think this is always done maliciously.... I think the line between asexual and allosexual is not well defined, and in fact it's very hard to define and pinpoint what is typical with allosexuals and what isn't. Allosexual couples can absolutely have sexual incompatibilities, due to difference in libido or preferences or other reasons. I think the bottom line is, generally if you desire sex on any sort of regular basis (ie, more than a handful of times in your entire life), you're probably allosexual. (Not to say that demisexuals don't exist, I believe they do.) Oh, I'm not opposed to micro labels entirely. I consider myself lithsexual. This means that I can experience sexual attraction in some sense, but I don't want it acted on - ever. But usually I just call myself plain old asexual, cuz who is going to know what I mean by saying "lithsexual" outside of asexual community spaces?? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah-Sylvia Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 I'm not much for micro-labels but so long as someone understands themselves, doesn't matter much what words or labels they use. Most people won't know the labels though so most of the time it's just as well to talk normally. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MarRister Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 On 8/27/2022 at 11:10 PM, GreyA said: I say sexual attraction is desire to have sex with the other person physically? When you say physically here, do you mean, just like you want to have sex with them physically in person, not just in fantasy? Or do you mean that they are physically attractive but other characteristics don't factor into that attraction? Or do you more so mean you get a physical feeling (like arousal) that you then want to release through sex with that person? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 On 8/27/2022 at 5:53 PM, GreyA said: Anyone else can relate? I'm not any kind of ace and I can still relate, haha Quote Link to post Share on other sites
GreyA Posted September 17, 2022 Author Share Posted September 17, 2022 Sorry I have been so busy to reply It is true I need to think more practical terms to whether to even use micro labels in dating scene situation. There’s general consensus I am allosexual with a possible dating preference with a Greysexual or and an Asexual partner. I could still be asexual if I am confusing sexual attraction with arousal. If it is arousal – I don’t have the urge for someone to release it for me 16 personalities wise – I am a ESFJ so I love living life 100% (without the sex). I love being honest and I may I have blurted a lot of my friends I am greysexual. Perhaps I need to experience more without labels & communicate deeply what I want to whoever is the lucky guy I think I am flirty weirdo around wherever I go attracting guys but I imagine their disappointed faces when they realise, I have low libido (like my ex). It sucks because I have heteroromantic crushes everywhere. Huge desire to connect to someone emotionally These days I’m ignoring my heart beating fast for two guys in my workplace. Infatuation is terribly sweet but I know it is not true love I see how life takes me – these days studies show women are most happy single in their 30s or 40s & I have high standards mentally (understandably after my break-up) I think I will take the Greysexual label public and not confuse them with these microlabels. I think I can handle one more sexual experience – If it is bad then it is either I’m terrible at bed or sex is meh for me Okay, I try one more time – you guys convinced me to give love a try again and a hint of possibility that I might be just allosexual with terrible sex experience Sorry if my feelings are a mess in this post – I am excited what the future holds now – Coming back stronger now 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Aceofcloves Posted September 28, 2022 Share Posted September 28, 2022 I use this term because I feel little sexual attraction if any but I’ll only feel it towards my partner, I also came to Aven looking to be friends with greyaces and share expiriencens and have conversations with them. Basically I want mostly grey ace friends lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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