This is such a relief - finding this forum

[Artgirllost]

Hi everyone,

 

I just discovered this site and it is such a relief to read about people who have similar experiences to mine!!

 

 I am a mature woman and I have never felt the need for romantic relationships.

 

The few times I have had sex with a man I only experienced at best boredom and at worst physical pain and distress.

 

I finally realised this year that I was just pushing myself and my body to do something I did not enjoy because I thought there was something ''wrong'' with me and that I must be missing out or that someone would finally magically make me feel something. 

 

I am able to enjoy self-gratification (apologies I don't know what language I can use on this site so I don't want to offend anyone...). I do create fantasies in my head and I can find someone visual attractive but I simply don't find that other people can create a response in my body. When I am with an actual person I have always found kissing and sex disappointing, revolting or a source of physical pain. 

 

I finally realised this year that I am just as I should be.

 

There is no need for shame, regret or continuing to force myself to fit into what society says sex should be.  

 

For me it seems it is only a cerebral or pleasure only happens through my own touch. And that is fine. I am not sure what label/definition I would come under but I thought I would say hi and introduce myself to share my thoughts on coming across this forum as I have never met anyone irl who admitted to sharing the same experience. 

[Anomaly Q3Xr]

Hi @Artgirllost nice to meet you, and welcome to AVEN. I hope you enjoy your time here.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience, it is always good to hear of the experiences of others, and I am sure there are plenty of people who can relate.

 

It was only upon finding the asexual community a few years ago that I finally felt accepted and that others have had similar experiences (I was in my early 30's then, turning 40 in October). It was a huge relief to find it, and I have found participation in the ace community to be hugely rewarding. I hope that you have a similar experience. And yes, there is definitely no need for shame or regret, or to force yourself to fit anything you don't feel comfortable with or that isn't "you".

[WhiteCatandcherries]

Welcome to aven @Artgirllost!! 🍰🍰🍰

I am glad finding this place has helped you!

3 hours ago, Artgirllost said:

 I am a mature woman and I have never felt the need for romantic relationships.

You might already be aware of this, and it is only you who can determine your identity, but if you do not want a romantic relationship (not just not wanting the sex part, or because there is usually sex) then it might be worth looking into aromanticism (here is a place on aven https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/90-romantic-and-aromantic-orientations/ ). You might find people who share your experience or more words to put to yours 🙂 

[slywlf]

Hello and welcome! You are far from alone, and this is a great site to help you get your bearings amidst supportive folks who share all or some of your experiences!

 

From what you said - not interested in either romance or sex, aroace - aromantic/asexual is a great starting point, but by no means necessarily the end of the available valid options.

 

You indicate that fantasy plays a part in your self-pleasuring. Depending on whether you imagine yourself  - the real you - in the fantasies, or not you might find aegosexual is a good fit. I had never heard of it until I really started researching, but I figured out quickly that ace was not covering all the bases for me. 

 

Not trying to tell you what label fits - you will need to do some reading, and it can get quite complicated, but fear not - in time you will find your own personal label(s)....or you might skip labels completely and just relax knowing you are OK just as you are. No matter what, though, you are not alone!

[Geekykitty]

19 hours ago, Artgirllost said:

I am able to enjoy self-gratification (apologies I don't know what language I can use on this site so I don't want to offend anyone...). I do create fantasies in my head and I can find someone visual attractive but I simply don't find that other people can create a response in my body. When I am with an actual person I have always found kissing and sex disappointing, revolting or a source of physical pain

Welcome 😊 I was also happy to find this site as it is nice to know that there are so many others who are like me and not interested in having sex. 

I am similar in that I can "pleasure" myself and even enjoy creating fantasies about imaginary characters in romantic situations. But somehow in real life I don't like the idea of someone touching me and doing anything sexual to me. I have never actually had sex, but somehow the idea of it doesnt appeal to me and genitals kinda gross me out 😝

Hope you enjoy the forum

[Highhorse]

Conformity is such a weird thing. And I have done a lot of things I didn’t want to in order to fit in with perceptions of the world around me…because it never even occurred to me that there were other people in existence who did not enjoy sex. (I myself have never met one. But this site exists, so clearly, it must be true.)
 

I have gone through my entire life being attracted to people for various reasons , at best enjoying the closeness experienced during sex but never experiencing orgasm with anyone, at worst, doling out sex merely as an infrequent reward to partners who satisfied my companionship needs. 
 

I find no enjoyment in any flavor of pornography, whatsoever, either. In fact, it’s difficult for me to watch most any of it without being absolutely repulsed. 
 

I’ve married more than once, had sex in order to procreate (three kids), but inevitably wind up alone—either ashamed of holding someone back and deliberately severing ties to let them go, or being left by my partner for someone else who enjoys having sex.  It’s a bitch. I don’t want to be alone, but there are precious few willing to put up with it (and really, why should they?). 
 

If I’m being honest, I’ll admit that when I was younger, I found myself at times embroiled in relationships for the wrong reasons—namely,  there was a certain gratification in the attention, in the power my looks and personality garnered over people to whom I was attracted. I learned to curb this behavior as I got older, realizing it was damaging to me and unfortunately, eventually insincere…because, though I often felt extremely  sensual in the beginning, it wasn’t sustainable, aa sexual relationships were not remotely pleasant for me past that initial phase. Since I knew admitting the problem upfront would be  detrimental to the relationship, I kept trying to change it. (Yeah, no luck there.)
 

In retrospect, I sometimes wish I had been born later; kids nowadays seem to have a myriad of sexual/asexual choices, and very little social pressure to contend with in making them. I think, if I had it to do over again, I would try to assemble a group of people to live and raise children with, like an extended family in the form of a clutch of consenting adults, preferably possessing different flavors of sexual orientation, who wished to raise children in an environment of stability without the inflexible constraints of a traditional marriage. Kind of like a nest, all caring for the same baby birds. Probably sounds crazy to most people, but having raised my kids mostly all on my own, I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. 
 

Thoughts?

[Latestarter]

I think lots of people feel similar to you. I certainly do. I thought you had a few boyfriends, met the right one, married, had children and lived happily ever after.  My parents were of the ‘no sex before marriage’ generation (my Mum is now 95) and there was no variation of the heterosexual norm unless there was ‘something wrong with you’.

 

Somehow my Mum knew when I lost my virginity at 17, made a huge fuss and said ‘promise me you won’t do that again’.  I have no idea whether my attitude to sex started then or whether the comment made no difference.  
 

I have never experienced an orgasm during sex despite trying out many partners to see if there were any decent ones out there. I did get married and have 2 sons in their 20’s but have never felt sexual desire, just duty.  Now I’ve stopped pretending but after 35 years my husband is ready to crack. Not sure what the outcome will be but at 61 I don’t want to be on my own.

[Frogster]

22 hours ago, Highhorse said:

 I have done a lot of things I didn’t want to in order to fit in with perceptions of the world around me…because it never even occurred to me that there were other people in existence who did not enjoy sex. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts?

 

 

 

Yes, I can relate and no, you are not crazy or weird. Welcome!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Highhorse]

Thank you; I felt incredibly uncomfortable all evening after posting, worried I’d made a huge mistake; namely, because it is very surreal to me that anyone might truly understand—especially when I don’t seem to know a single soul in person who isn’t constantly motivated by sex in one form or another. 

[Highhorse]

7 hours ago, Latestarter said:

My parents were of the ‘no sex before marriage’ generation (my Mum is now 95) and there was no variation of the heterosexual norm unless there was ‘something wrong with you’.

 

Somehow my Mum knew when I lost my virginity at 17, made a huge fuss and said ‘promise me you won’t do that again’.  I have no idea whether my attitude to sex started then or whether the comment made no difference.

I was very lonely as a teen, the last kid of a huge Catholic brood still living at home. My parents were much older, completely out of touch, and very checked out by the time I entered high school. Desperate to make any kind of connection with another human being, and being completely naïve, I had my first child at 17.  From then on, my mother assumed I was hypersexual…which is hilarious, since the truth is, actually, quite the opposite. Obviously, it wasn’t the kind of thing you talked about back then, so I never told her why it happened or how I really felt. 
 

I found out some years ago that my mom had wanted to become a nun (she was ultra-religious her entire life), and now it sort of makes me wonder if she didn’t really enjoy sex either…likely not. (She didn’t really enjoy being a mom either, but that’s probably a whole other website!)

 

 
 

[Latestarter]

I’ve often wondered whether my Mum enjoyed sex as she always seemed to push my Dad away if he tried to give her a kiss when he came in from work. I always assumed it was because of me being there but now I’m not so sure. I also found out I was conceived using Dad’s collected sperm being inserted via a syringe by a doctor at a women’s hospital (probably called a fertility clinic now).  Perhaps sex didn’t work for them either. I certainly never heard them during the 18 years I lived with them.

[sirenian]

Welcome to aven!!  🍰

 

It can seem impossible to imagine that there are other ace people out there in the real world, perhaps, as you say, especially for those of us who are older.  

I know only one person of my own age who also identifies as asexual, and in her case, it's because many years ago I told her I was questioning whether I was ace, and in that conversation she was wonderfully supportive...  and then several years later (following a divorce) she shared with me that she had been mulling it over and had realized that she is asexual, also.  So, had I not started on my journey, I still wouldn't know anyone my age who also identifies as ace.

 

However, that said, I work with youth and teens, and quite a few of the youth I have worked with are out and proud members of the ace community.

 

 

Please never doubt either the reality of your experience or that there are plenty of others who have had similar experiences.  When we were younger, this community, this label, and this identity were not available to us, so many of us felt broken or like outsiders, isolated from others who could help us to understand how we differed.  But we exist.  We are not broken. There is not anything wrong with us.  And we are, of necessity, strong, for having come of age at a time when this kind of support was not available.  

 

 

[mermaidswimming]

On 8/25/2022 at 11:53 AM, Highhorse said:

Conformity is such a weird thing. And I have done a lot of things I didn’t want to in order to fit in with perceptions of the world around me…because it never even occurred to me that there were other people in existence who did not enjoy sex. (I myself have never met one. But this site exists, so clearly, it must be true.)
 

I have gone through my entire life being attracted to people for various reasons , at best enjoying the closeness experienced during sex but never experiencing orgasm with anyone, at worst, doling out sex merely as an infrequent reward to partners who satisfied my companionship needs. 
 

I find no enjoyment in any flavor of pornography, whatsoever, either. In fact, it’s difficult for me to watch most any of it without being absolutely repulsed. 
 

I’ve married more than once, had sex in order to procreate (three kids), but inevitably wind up alone—either ashamed of holding someone back and deliberately severing ties to let them go, or being left by my partner for someone else who enjoys having sex.  It’s a bitch. I don’t want to be alone, but there are precious few willing to put up with it (and really, why should they?). 
 

If I’m being honest, I’ll admit that when I was younger, I found myself at times embroiled in relationships for the wrong reasons—namely,  there was a certain gratification in the attention, in the power my looks and personality garnered over people to whom I was attracted. I learned to curb this behavior as I got older, realizing it was damaging to me and unfortunately, eventually insincere…because, though I often felt extremely  sensual in the beginning, it wasn’t sustainable, aa sexual relationships were not remotely pleasant for me past that initial phase. Since I knew admitting the problem upfront would be  detrimental to the relationship, I kept trying to change it. (Yeah, no luck there.)
 

In retrospect, I sometimes wish I had been born later; kids nowadays seem to have a myriad of sexual/asexual choices, and very little social pressure to contend with in making them. I think, if I had it to do over again, I would try to assemble a group of people to live and raise children with, like an extended family in the form of a clutch of consenting adults, preferably possessing different flavors of sexual orientation, who wished to raise children in an environment of stability without the inflexible constraints of a traditional marriage. Kind of like a nest, all caring for the same baby birds. Probably sounds crazy to most people, but having raised my kids mostly all on my own, I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. 
 

Thoughts?

Hi there, thanks for your post, I really relate to it. I am a woman in her fifties, second marriage with two kids. I have only recently found the concept of asexuality and I am still working through what it might mean for me. My first marriage ended partly because my husband didn't feel like I wanted him sexually (which was right), and I have spent most of my second marriage terrified that the same thing will happen again. I think the most mind-blowing thing I have learned since researching asexuality is that you can separate romantic feelings from sexual feelings. I was like - what?? And suddenly things started to fall into place for me. I am a very romantic person, so I just assumed that I wanted sex as well. And then I would find very creative ways to justify to myself and my partners why I wasn't up for it - tired, stressed, distracted, the blessed relief of the monthly period........ was I cold at heart, unable to be intimate with someone? What was wrong with me? This has been going on my whole life, a burden I've always carried in the background.

 

I completely agree with what you say about kids today and their choices of identity and sexual orientation. My daughter is 18 and came out to us as gay when she was only 13. She is actually the one who clarified for me that asexual people can still be romantic. She has no idea of the bomb she set off in my head. I still haven't decided whether to "come out" to my partner yet. I am going to sit with this for a while and see how I feel.

 

And I LOVE your idea about raising kids in an extended family. I kind of deliberate village. Beautiful.

 

 

[Mogz]

@Artgirllost I thought "Girl, SAME" to every last one of your comments. 😂 It makes me happy to hear that you've been able to put one of the puzzle pieces into place and are feeling good about it. I felt so free once I realized I didn't have to conform to society's life standards anymore and that there was nothing wrong with that.