Chef Remy Posted August 12, 2022 Share Posted August 12, 2022 There is a cut off to me at around thirty were it is no longer socially acceptable to be single, kid free, and not dating, or in any type of committed relationship. Sometimes feel like I don’t have a lot in common or am not able to relate with other younger asexuals. As I have gotten past the accepting and coming out phase of being asexual. And not into fan fiction, anime, and not that into sci-fi and fantasy. Don’t make a big deal about being asexual or broadcast that I am asexual, or that I am a member of the LGBTQA community. Yet, have a hard time sometimes relating to allosexual’s in my peer group. Or finding people that I feel comfortable with and that want to have a serious friendship with, past the acquaintance level, of sharing a hobby, and socially hanging out in social groups or activities. That and not old enough yet to be that “old grumpy men, get off my lawn” or the “spinster, cat lady”. But not young enough where it is still cool to be single and figuring life out. Anyone else feel like this? Wanting more out of life, having platonic friendships with other people, that have the time and energy to care about you too. But not finding people you relate to, or that you feel comfortable with. Note: I do feel comfortable with other asexuals and am a member of three asexual social groups nearby my area. And like the support and camaraderie I get from being around other asexuals. As I feel at ease and accepted, and can let down some of my walls around other asexuals. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted August 12, 2022 Share Posted August 12, 2022 Welcome to the gang my brotha Im also in the same boat and oftentime just have to lie my way through people because I know if I dont, it will simply raise suspicions about being a single guy my age Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 12, 2022 Share Posted August 12, 2022 i don't think i desire platonic friendship [i'm fine with animal friends and internet friends, not liking hangouts unless it's with just a romantic partner] but yeah, i feel you on not being able to relate to the younger aces. it's a young girl's world for us, and it's hard to find a place where i have things in common with people who seem like kids to me [would i have been BFFs with that toddler when i was in high school? no, because we were from different worlds due to vastly different life experiences; it's a feeling like that]. fandoms can be a common interest [some of the things i like happen to also be popular, like stranger things, animal crossing, pokemon, and bojack horseman, so i might make the odd post in groups about them on social media], but deeper friendship with someone so young is a strange concept to me [as a person with a few facebook friends in their early 20s]. being childfree is totally valid, and there's even a group for childfree aces on facebook, if you are childfree by choice and want to meet some like-minded folks [regular childfree groups there tend to be poopy and laugh at asexuality though, from my experience]. we have cake, or garlic bread if that's more your thing. i feel like i'm totally old enough to be a cat lady, since i prefer the company of animal friends and have an "old" body due to chronic illness. if soulmates truly are a thing, i think that they can come in the form of bonds with friends too, so my soulmate is probably just all the cats i bond with throughout my life [and some rats along the way too]. i think overall i'm more comfortable with other aces, because i know there is most likely literally a 0% chance of them having an agenda to try to get in my pants, so i can see them as more "potential friend" than "potential threat." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Chef Remy Posted August 12, 2022 Author Share Posted August 12, 2022 9 hours ago, harusawa23 said: being childfree is totally valid, and there's even a group for childfree aces on facebook, if you are childfree by choice and want to meet some like-minded folks [regular childfree groups there tend to be poopy and laugh at asexuality though, from my experience]. we have cake, or garlic bread if that's more your thing. i think overall i'm more comfortable with other aces, because i know there is most likely literally a 0% chance of them having an agenda to try to get in my pants, so i can see them as more "potential friend" than "potential threat." I can be friends with younger people. But some of it is maturity, and different life experiences. Then again think I am still trying to figure life out. While most other people in my age group, are already settled…It is why I struggle to fit in Yeah, it is more common now for younger people in their early twenties to be child free. That and I was in the military too. So it was more common for people to get married and have kids before 25. Granted a lot of them now are divorced. Yes, that is why I like hanging out with asexuals too. Because there is no hidden agenda, about trying to hook up. And I don’t have to explain what asexuality is to them either. Or feel out of place or awkward being single Quote Link to post Share on other sites
estherann Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 Since I stopped pretending to be "normal" and embraced my queer/ace/enby self, I mostly hang out with younger people. They seem to assume I'm about the same age as them. The only annoying thing is having to answer "are you a student?" over and over again when I graduated 12 years ago. I guess I'll just keep "ageing down" until people slightly older than me get their kids to adulthood and then I'll start "ageing up" to hang out with them instead. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Geekykitty Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 On 8/12/2022 at 11:53 AM, Chef Remy said: That and not old enough yet to be that “old grumpy men, get off my lawn” or the “spinster, cat lady” You're never too young to be a "cat lady" (or cat man). 😸 My cat is my best friend. I find it hard to get along with humans to be honest - even aside from being asexual - I just really struggle with connecting with people beyond casual acquaintance level. So yeah I understand all too well about difficulties with relating to people. Yes I often feel left out being an over 30 yrs old single asexual. I'm not against trying to find a partner of some kind but I don't know how it would be possible since I'm way to anxious to try internet dating. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Chef Remy Posted August 17, 2022 Author Share Posted August 17, 2022 3 hours ago, Geekykitty said: I find it hard to get along with humans to be honest - even aside from being asexual - I just really struggle with connecting with people beyond casual acquaintance level. So yeah I understand all too well about difficulties with relating to people. Yes I often feel left out being an over 30 yrs old single asexual. I'm not against trying to find a partner of some kind but I don't know how it would be possible since I'm way to anxious to try internet dating. Me too, it's getting past that casual acquaintance level. Was a member of a few social groups, hung out with people, hiking or trying different restaurants going out for socialazition. But nothing past that. No one I would feel comfortable with calling up in emergency or for a favor. That and am boring to some people. To me a good time with someone could be us reading together, or just watching a movie or tv show and that's it. Doesn't have to alot of small talk or anything special....Just feeling needed and wanted. Haven't tried online dating in years and hearing other asexual talk about it. It is not worth my time or effort. Cool you are from Australia, was in the Navy and visited Australia. Honestly it was one of nicest countries I have been to, most people were friendly and laid back easy going. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Chef Remy Posted August 17, 2022 Author Share Posted August 17, 2022 21 hours ago, estherann said: Since I stopped pretending to be "normal" and embraced my queer/ace/enby self, I mostly hang out with younger people. They seem to assume I'm about the same age as them. The only annoying thing is having to answer "are you a student?" over and over again when I graduated 12 years ago. I guess I'll just keep "ageing down" until people slightly older than me get their kids to adulthood and then I'll start "ageing up" to hang out with them instead. Used to pass for younger too, still do. But just feel I don't have alot in common with people in there twenties anymore. At least here in America. Not that into social media and have different outlook on things then they do sometimes. That and seeing my peers settling down having families. Feel sometimes I am missing something in life, or like a fifth wheel with them sometimes. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Geekykitty Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 7 hours ago, Chef Remy said: Me too, it's getting past that casual acquaintance level. Was a member of a few social groups, hung out with people, hiking or trying different restaurants going out for socialazition. But nothing past that. No one I would feel comfortable with calling up in emergency or for a favor. That and am boring to some people. To me a good time with someone could be us reading together, or just watching a movie or tv show and that's it. Doesn't have to alot of small talk or anything special....Just feeling needed and wanted. Haven't tried online dating in years and hearing other asexual talk about it. It is not worth my time or effort. Cool you are from Australia, was in the Navy and visited Australia. Honestly it was one of nicest countries I have been to, most people were friendly and laid back easy going. Yeah I just find most people I know through work etc. arent interested in really getting to know me at all or form close friendships. We say hi, talk about work things etc... but there's no one who I could actually talk about my inner feelings with. I'm just like a robot saying what I think people want to here, but not able to be my true self. And as you say, it can be fun doings things like going on a hike with someone - but somehow it is really difficult to take the next step beyond just casual type friendship. The asexual social groups sound like a good idea. At least you have a better chance of maybe finding a partner/close friend who you are more compatible with then on a regular dating site. Glad you liked Australia 😊 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Chef Remy Posted August 19, 2022 Author Share Posted August 19, 2022 On 8/17/2022 at 6:54 PM, Geekykitty said: Glad you liked Australia 😊 Like asexual social groups because I can let down my guard and be more at ease. And don't feel odd or awkward being single and not dating. Feel like a robot too at work sometimes, or I am just there. Co-workers are nice and pleasant so not complaining. But no one I would feel comfortable with hanging out with outside of work. Just liked how laid back and easy going Australians were. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Virgoalone Posted August 21, 2022 Share Posted August 21, 2022 Hi,your post resonates with me. I'm almost forty and feel totally on my own. No kids, cannot be in a romantic relationship, one person alone in my life is special but straight so only friendship for the time. I had pets but not now, I have autism, and mood disorders so often unstable. I have traveled a lot and read when I can, I still want to see the world and not be trapped in the daily routines. Right now, I have a fresh start and am trying to keep it together. I truly hope you can find like-minded people as friends and enjoy life well. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
alto Posted August 27, 2022 Share Posted August 27, 2022 Honestly, these days, my best friends are online. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LadyL Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 Totally relate! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
sea83 Posted October 19, 2022 Share Posted October 19, 2022 How do you even find groups of people who are also asexual/ace? I've finally realized there has been nothing wrong with me my whole life. Honestly, not a single soul knows, and it's not by choice. I just don't think they'd get it. I'm also in the weird group where all my friends are either married or have kids. I just moved to a new city not last year and it's really difficult to meet anyone. I have no kids, and most groups even to just find a single (even non asexual friend) are mom groups! Also in my late 30s. So I guess I've already gotten that "spinster" pet owner thing going according to some. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
alto Posted October 19, 2022 Share Posted October 19, 2022 I think there is a Meetup portion of AVEN? Also Facebook is a great place to look. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted October 19, 2022 Share Posted October 19, 2022 @sea83, welcome to AVEN. There is a meet-up mart forum in the community section of the site Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Myssterry Posted October 19, 2022 Share Posted October 19, 2022 Spinster pet owners are fine by the way. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
wulfgar83 Posted October 21, 2022 Share Posted October 21, 2022 I'm in my late thirties and for quite a while I have wondered how people view me since I am at my age without marrying or having children. Recently I talked with a cowoerker of mine and she actually did wonder about why I wasn't married yet or have children but she was too afraid to ask. It just so happened to be that I came out to her as asexual and she was very accepting. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mogz Posted October 26, 2022 Share Posted October 26, 2022 On 10/18/2022 at 7:14 PM, sea83 said: How do you even find groups of people who are also asexual/ace? I've finally realized there has been nothing wrong with me my whole life. Honestly, not a single soul knows, and it's not by choice. I just don't think they'd get it. I'm also in the weird group where all my friends are either married or have kids. I just moved to a new city not last year and it's really difficult to meet anyone. I have no kids, and most groups even to just find a single (even non asexual friend) are mom groups! Also in my late 30s. So I guess I've already gotten that "spinster" pet owner thing going according to some. It heavily depends on your location, but in my city we have local ace Meetup and Facebook groups. I also don't announce my ace-ness to new people unprovoked, but after getting to know someone a little bit, I'll find natural openings in conversation to casually sprinkle in the fact that I'm ace. Maybe I'm lucky, but I've yet to get a weird or bad reaction when people figure it out. Mostly it's more like a "Huh, that makes sense." Not everybody has good vibes though, so I'm at least somewhat selective with who I tell. If you're brave you might also venture into Reddit and see if you can find any local ace groups or chats that way. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
estherann Posted October 29, 2022 Share Posted October 29, 2022 On 10/19/2022 at 1:14 AM, sea83 said: How do you even find groups of people who are also asexual/ace? I've finally realized there has been nothing wrong with me my whole life. Honestly, not a single soul knows, and it's not by choice. I just don't think they'd get it. I'm also in the weird group where all my friends are either married or have kids. I just moved to a new city not last year and it's really difficult to meet anyone. I have no kids, and most groups even to just find a single (even non asexual friend) are mom groups! Also in my late 30s. So I guess I've already gotten that "spinster" pet owner thing going according to some. I'm non-binary, and 19 percent of enbies are ace, so I meet most of my ace friends hanging out in trans/genderqueer spaces. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Another Sky Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 On 10/22/2022 at 4:53 AM, wulfgar83 said: I'm in my late thirties and for quite a while I have wondered how people view me since I am at my age without marrying or having children. Recently I talked with a cowoerker of mine and she actually did wonder about why I wasn't married yet or have children but she was too afraid to ask. It just so happened to be that I came out to her as asexual and she was very accepting. Just two weeks ago, the same thing happened to me. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MinnieMouse Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 On 8/12/2022 at 3:53 AM, Chef Remy said: There is a cut off to me at around thirty were it is no longer socially acceptable to be single, kid free, and not dating, or in any type of committed relationship. Sometimes feel like I don’t have a lot in common or am not able to relate with other younger asexuals. As I have gotten past the accepting and coming out phase of being asexual. And not into fan fiction, anime, and not that into sci-fi and fantasy. Don’t make a big deal about being asexual or broadcast that I am asexual, or that I am a member of the LGBTQA community. Yet, have a hard time sometimes relating to allosexual’s in my peer group. Or finding people that I feel comfortable with and that want to have a serious friendship with, past the acquaintance level, of sharing a hobby, and socially hanging out in social groups or activities. That and not old enough yet to be that “old grumpy men, get off my lawn” or the “spinster, cat lady”. But not young enough where it is still cool to be single and figuring life out. Anyone else feel like this? Wanting more out of life, having platonic friendships with other people, that have the time and energy to care about you too. But not finding people you relate to, or that you feel comfortable with. Note: I do feel comfortable with other asexuals and am a member of three asexual social groups nearby my area. And like the support and camaraderie I get from being around other asexuals. As I feel at ease and accepted, and can let down some of my walls around other asexuals. @Chef RemyNo idea if you’re still active here, but I wanted to reply to this thread anyway. I’m in my thirtees too and I feel exactly like you. Unfortunately I’m on the other side of the Atlantic, but there are PM, social media and stuff. That being said, don’t hesitate to send me a message if you want to talk! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
wulfgar83 Posted December 3, 2022 Share Posted December 3, 2022 On 11/5/2022 at 9:20 AM, Another Sky said: Just two weeks ago, the same thing happened to me. How did it go for you? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
CincinnatiAsexual Posted January 4, 2023 Share Posted January 4, 2023 @Chef Remy most of the parts in your post resonate for me. I am 35 and though I have been married 4 years and in a healthy relationship, I don't have any friends beyond the casual kind of friendship. Everything is on the surface to the point where they are more just acquaintances than friends in many cases. I feel very invisible. My wife has friends that she talks with on the phone here and there, and she is close with her family. I am not close with my family at all, and I don't have anyone I can call up that's a friend. I've put a lot of effort in recent years to do things with people with whom I have something in common, but they all seem to have the friends they need already. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LosslessExist6 Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 My family are annoying about me finding a partner. Now I know I'm asexual they are stumped. I doubt I'll announce it to them though, they won't understand Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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