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attraction: edited, solved


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Sleepy_Panda
25 minutes ago, 333saint said:

this is gonna sound so stupid i know. i started dating this girl. but i have no idea if i like her in a qpr way or romantic way. i identify as gray aroace and bi, but i use bi aroace mostly. she doesnt know this. i was kinda thrown into it, i just go along with things. im so stressed. i cant tell and i dont wanna string her along, but she also says these things about how great i am for her and how she never imagined she was gonna be in a relationship ever. and im like... so stressed. this is her first relationship and is accepting but i dont think she'll understand this. 

 

does anyone have advice for how i can tell if i like her romantically or platonically? i can go more into my thought process if needed.

I do not fully understand all the difference between attraction yet, but maybe you could try to form a visible divison between both attraction and see where your new gf falls?

Like: What is romantic attraction for you? What can you imagine doing only with a romantic partner but not with someone who you are not romantically attracted to? When it comes to romance what comes into your mind and how is different from queerplatonic or just platonic attraction? And lastly, how do your perceive your new gf?

It most likely will take time to even begin to be sure where the lines are drawn but doing a bit of introspection is probably the best way to go about this. 

 

Also if you require time or even realize that maybe your relationship with you gf is not what you think do not be afraid to talk it with her. It might be hard on both, but is better than not being open about such an important thing, it will save both of you from getting even more hurt in the future. Take your time. If she is good for you she will understand either way. 

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WhiteCatandcherries

I can't really help you in distinguishing the two... I mean I can give you this that I wrote in another thread recently describing the difference between romantic and platonic attraction for me, but I don't know if it will help:

There is just something destinctly plantonic about how I feel about my friends and something destinctly romantic about how I feel about my crushes (but I guess that is only because I have felt both as clear seperate things). I want to have a good relationship with my friends, and do fun stuff together and be able to talk about everything and I want to be one of the people they are really close with. With my romantic crushes, there is a "spark" there that isn't with friendship. I want to flirt and go on dates, and kiss them, and just do romantic things with them, and I want to have a position in their life no one else has. I want be their girlfriend. 

 

If you figure out very soon what you feel and act acordingly then that's great, but otherwise: I know this is a bit harsh to say, but I think you owe it to her to tell her. If it turns out that you are not romantically attracted to her, the longer this goes on the more she will be hurt. And even in this position of you not knowing whether it is romantic attraction or not, I feel she deserves to know that and make her own decision on whether she is fine with that. If this were my partner I would want them to tell me so we could figure it out together, instead of them keeping it a secret, and I feel there is some information your partner should have in a relationship, so they can make their own decisions for themselves and know the reality of the situation they are in.

 

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From what you describe, I would comment that attraction is not going along with things. Attraction is having things with the person feel special. 

 

There isn't just platonic and romantic attraction either. Alterous attraction is not fully platonic and not fully romantic. It could be a combination of both, or something in between the two, or something else entirely. 

 

When I label my attraction as romantic it is because I desire a romantic connection with the person and interacting with them can feel romantic sometimes.

 

I mostly experience alterous attraction, and to be honest I don't really feel like categorizing my attraction according to the split attraction model makes sense. I use alterous because I want to be clear that I'm most of the time on the grey romantic spectrum, because my attraction isn't usually romantic and is only rarely clearly and strongly romantic. 

 

Attraction to me is an infatuation with the person, a special liking for them, and a desire to be important to them. I would probably be happier in a QPR than in a romantic relationship, and I don't care if my alterous attraction doesn't include clearly romantic attractions or desires. I want to connect with the person, and then I also want a life partner, but when I'm attracted to them I'm somewhere in between platonic and romantic. I mostly just want to look at them and touch them. 

 

My desires do follow the split attraction model, but my attraction is all just one experience. 

 

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20 minutes ago, Burgundy Ashe said:

There isn't just platonic and romantic attraction either. Alterous attraction is not fully platonic and not fully romantic. It could be a combination of both, or something in between the two, or something else entirely. 

i agree. you can say youre experiencing alterous attraction if you seriously cant draw the line between the two

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Do you think you are happier with her than you would be without her? If so, I would focus on that, and not risk your relationship by telling her your doubts and making her insecure.

Or do you think you would be happier without her than you are with her now? (In the long run, I mean, and apart from the fact that the doubting itself can make you unhappy.) If you think you’re better off without her, then you can think about whether you two can do things differently so that the relationship would be more fulfilling to you. If you think that is not impossible, or if it doesn’t work out and you stay unhappy, then I’d go doubting if you want to continue this relationship.

I think everyone experiences love in his own way. But as long as you’re happy with someone, then please don’t ruin it by continuing doubting if you like her in “the right way”. Personally I think there is not such a thing as a “right way” of loving. As long as you are happy with your girlfriend and she is happy with you, then there is no problem, and I would try no to focus on the doubts, but on the great thing you have together. It doesn’t have to be a problem if she’s more like a best friend to you than a romantic partner, as long as you are happy with her (rather than longing for someone else or longing for being single), and as long as she is happy with you. When you are together for long, your love for each other will deepen, as you know each other very well and have experienced the ups and downs of life together for a longer time (once again, assuming that your relationship makes both of you – on most days – happy.)

In the end, I don’t think it’s relevant whether you like her in a romantic way or not, as long as she makes you happy. I think lots of people don’t have much romantic feeligns for their partner anymore once they are together for years, and can still be very happy together. Some people have a lot of those feeligns in the beginning, but if you don’t, I don’t think that itself should be a problem, as it can work for you the same way as for those other couples that are together for ages.

If she makes you happy, I would not discuss your doubts with her. Hearing your partner doubt whether he loves you enough, can make you very insecure and severely ruin your self-confidence and your happiness. And relationships can fail very quickly after that.

Personally, if my partner had doubts about loving me enough, but knew he wanted to stay with me, I would not want to hear anything about it. Because if I did hear about it, I would get very insecure and unhappy, and it would probably ruin our relationship. Even if I asked my boyfriend if he had doubts, and he did but he knew he wanted to stay with me, I would prefer him to lie. I don’t think it’s always wrong to keep certain painful things from your partner. For instance, if my partner would have sexual phantasies about a family member of mine, then I really would not want to know either. And if my partner is very annoyed with some aspect that I’m unable to change (for instance, if he’d be annoyed that I get stressed from certain things or if he found my nose very ugly), then I would not want to know either. It would just make me insecure and not solve anything.

A friend of mine told his girlfriend that he did not have a crush on her (when she asked about that), and he broke up with him because of that. He quite regrets having told her this, as they did have a good relationship, and he would have liked to stay together.

If you prefer being with her over being single (and over being with someone else), I would not tell her anything and try to just accept your doubts for what they are. It would be a waste to ruin / deteriorate a good relationship. She sounds very happy with you, and if you are – on most days - happy with her too, that’s a very precious thing that I would not risk to ruin.

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thanks for the replies everyone! i believe i like her romantically, or a weird version of romantic. im not used to it LOL. still gray-aroace, feelings are so funky!!

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