Boyfriend might be asexual?

[ternivka]

i don’t even know where to really begin. there are just so many details i want to write out but can’t seem to put them into the right words. my boyfriend (25) and i (22) have been together for almost two years now. roughly a year and 9 months. we haven’t had sex or any real other physical intimacies the majority of our time together. he told me when we first started dating and throughout our relationship that he’s always been a pretty sexual person. and not that it matters how many peoples he’s been with before me, it’s around the triple digits whereas mine is significantly less. we would have sex every so often and i was please him almost everytime i saw him at the beginning of our relationship. as the months went on, he stopped asking me to give him a bj then having sex, then pleasing me. i was okay with it at first because i know we all get in moments where we don’t want to have sec and that’s totally okay. coming from a traumatic past myself, i understand his reasons for not wanting to have sex or be intimate in the moment. 

 

but then it got to the point where he would get frustrated with me because i would try to initiate something or ask for more than just a couple kisses. its been over a year now since the last time we have had sex, and just about a year since i’ve given him a bj or even seen him naked. he always makes promises that the next time i see him, he’ll please me. then the night rolls around and he’ll have an excuse or reason ready in the roster. and i can’t even be mad about it, or outwardly show that i’m upset.

 

 an open relationship was on the table for a little bit but at the time when he asked me if that’s what i wanted - i had said no. in hopes that he would want to have sex with me again. that was around the 5 month mark of our relationship. around the year mark, i had asked him now - about being in an open relationship and he got furious for me even asking. saying if i were to be in one for sex, so could he. but to me that defeats the whole purpose of being in one in our relationship. i don’t even want to sleep with other people. i want to be with him. i love him so much and want to have a long future with him. i just can’t get over this hill. 

 

he tells me constantly that it won’t be much longer, that it’s hard for him. he’s told me this isn’t the first time it’s happened either. it seems he just has no desire to be intimate with me. as of now, we barely even make out. just a couple kisses here and there. mainly when one of us is leaving for the day. he barely wants to cuddle, or hold hands. he does tell me everyday how sexy i am, he tells me my body is beautiful and i should be proud of how i look, he’ll slap my ass, tell me i have beautiful breasts and what not, we’ll play wrestle on my bed and get very *hot and heavy* until i start to kiss him and he backs off and says he’s tired. it’s very hard because he’s talked a big talk about how sexual he is and i was anticipating it as i haven’t had much sex prior to meeting him. 

 

he’s told me he’s battled with a porn addiction and i think that’s the main cause of him not wanting sex? he’s told me he’s even masterbated or been aroused at my house/near me but hasn’t gone forward enough to tell me when it happens or initiate anything. i’ve caught him subscribed to a couple SWs on onlyfans and had confronted him about it,how little and useless it made me feel to which he apologized, deleted it and told me that i was right in how i felt. 

 

i want to talk to him about him maybe being under the umbrella of being asexual - maybe that’ll answer a lot of questions i have in my head, i just don’t know how to bring it up to him. because it seems like he can get aroused or horny, he can masterbate, just not with me. i don’t want him to be upset with me, i just want to make him happy and vice versa. i don’t really know what i’m asking here i guess, this is more of a rant because i have no one to really talk to about it and i feel like i need advice other than talking to him about it.

[TormentDubz]

Moved from Asexual Relationships to For Sexual Partners. 
 

TormentDubz 

Asexual Musings and Rantings Moderator 

[uhtred]

I'm sorry you are in this situation, its very difficult - sexually  mismatched relationships are hard.   (I've been in one for a very long time now).

 

You will get lots of good suggestions here from people in somewhat similar situations, just of course remember that people give advice based on their own experience, and no two relationships are the same.

 

That sad my advice (base of course just on my experience) is to not worry about labels like "asexualty".  Instead think about compatibility. Is there a level of sexuality between you that makes BOTH of you happy.  Not a case were you are both struggling to not quite meet in the middle, and certainly not one where one of you feels constantly deprived or pressured.

 

If you can find common ground, that's great, but at least in my experience living in a mismatched relationship never gets better (not even after >30 years).  After this much time for your relationship, I think the best assumption is that the sex life (or lack of same) that you have now is what you will have in the future. You need to decide if you can be happy that way.   If not, and there is no hope of it improving, does an open relationship work for you (it does for some people, but not at all for others).  If not that, then maybe this is not a relationship that will make both of you happy. No fault, but just a sad reality.  (and better to figure that out after 2 years than after 30)

[Emotional Response]

I'll keep it short and sweet... 

 

This relationship will only ever bring you misery. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. End this relationship now and find someone else who you are sexually compatible with. 

[nanogretchen4]

If I understand the situation, your boyfriend is a cheater and an addict, and he may also have an incompatible sexual orientation. My only advice is that you don't need this garbage in your life and I am 100% sure you can do better.

[Blackswan4]

On 8/8/2022 at 8:52 PM, ternivka said:

i don’t even know where to really begin. there are just so many details i want to write out but can’t seem to put them into the right words. my boyfriend (25) and i (22) have been together for almost two years now. roughly a year and 9 months. we haven’t had sex or any real other physical intimacies the majority of our time together. he told me when we first started dating and throughout our relationship that he’s always been a pretty sexual person. and not that it matters how many peoples he’s been with before me, it’s around the triple digits whereas mine is significantly less. we would have sex every so often and i was please him almost everytime i saw him at the beginning of our relationship. as the months went on, he stopped asking me to give him a bj then having sex, then pleasing me. i was okay with it at first because i know we all get in moments where we don’t want to have sec and that’s totally okay. coming from a traumatic past myself, i understand his reasons for not wanting to have sex or be intimate in the moment. 

 

but then it got to the point where he would get frustrated with me because i would try to initiate something or ask for more than just a couple kisses. its been over a year now since the last time we have had sex, and just about a year since i’ve given him a bj or even seen him naked. he always makes promises that the next time i see him, he’ll please me. then the night rolls around and he’ll have an excuse or reason ready in the roster. and i can’t even be mad about it, or outwardly show that i’m upset.

 

 an open relationship was on the table for a little bit but at the time when he asked me if that’s what i wanted - i had said no. in hopes that he would want to have sex with me again. that was around the 5 month mark of our relationship. around the year mark, i had asked him now - about being in an open relationship and he got furious for me even asking. saying if i were to be in one for sex, so could he. but to me that defeats the whole purpose of being in one in our relationship. i don’t even want to sleep with other people. i want to be with him. i love him so much and want to have a long future with him. i just can’t get over this hill. 

 

he tells me constantly that it won’t be much longer, that it’s hard for him. he’s told me this isn’t the first time it’s happened either. it seems he just has no desire to be intimate with me. as of now, we barely even make out. just a couple kisses here and there. mainly when one of us is leaving for the day. he barely wants to cuddle, or hold hands. he does tell me everyday how sexy i am, he tells me my body is beautiful and i should be proud of how i look, he’ll slap my ass, tell me i have beautiful breasts and what not, we’ll play wrestle on my bed and get very *hot and heavy* until i start to kiss him and he backs off and says he’s tired. it’s very hard because he’s talked a big talk about how sexual he is and i was anticipating it as i haven’t had much sex prior to meeting him. 

 

he’s told me he’s battled with a porn addiction and i think that’s the main cause of him not wanting sex? he’s told me he’s even masterbated or been aroused at my house/near me but hasn’t gone forward enough to tell me when it happens or initiate anything. i’ve caught him subscribed to a couple SWs on onlyfans and had confronted him about it,how little and useless it made me feel to which he apologized, deleted it and told me that i was right in how i felt. 

 

i want to talk to him about him maybe being under the umbrella of being asexual - maybe that’ll answer a lot of questions i have in my head, i just don’t know how to bring it up to him. because it seems like he can get aroused or horny, he can masterbate, just not with me. i don’t want him to be upset with me, i just want to make him happy and vice versa. i don’t really know what i’m asking here i guess, this is more of a rant because i have no one to really talk to about it and i feel like i need advice other than talking to him about it.

Run for your life. My husband acted sexually until 3 days after our marriage. Now I’m in year 15. You are young. Find someone who is sexual. If you stay with him it will only tear you apart. Ruin your self esteem. You will need years of therapy if you stay. Don’t be like me. 15 years with a business tangled up marriage and feel absolutely miserable. There is no compromise with an asexual.

 My bday was last night.. guess what I asked for.. did I get it? No! I asked for a divorce on my bday. Nice right? This will be you if you stay. Don’t be me.

[Blackswan4]

Don’t listen to people telling you to have an open relationship.. they are toxic and drama. Break it off and be free to be with your own kind. Someone who will touch you, have sex with you and want you.

[Shelluga]

I (F28, Allosexual) am currently in the same situation with my partner (M30) and I feel like nothing is going to change. He doesn't even know if he is Asexual or not, but my Ace best friend has advised me that it is a spectrum. In any case, not feeling desired or wanted is incredibly painful in a soul-tearing way. Even though I know it's not a reflection of me it's still hurts. It's hard to be in love with someone who is your best friend, but struggle with sexual compatibility.

 

One thing my boyfriend and I have done is try couples therapy. It hasn't worked for our sexual issues, but it's helped with communication while he figures himself out. Maybe ask if he's willing to give that a shot? 

 

One thing my therapist helped me see is that this is really his journey and I don't have to take on his burden. It's his job to figure himself out and communicate it to me. I can support and love him, but I also need to support and love myself too. I've been investing in time with friends and family and nourishing that part of my life. It's helping to feel a little less lonely, even if my sexual needs have been put on the back burner for 2.5 years.

 

It was relieving to see this post and know others are going through the same thing. I hope you're taking the time to take care of yourself, and I'm going to do my best to take care of me too.

 

[Hooded_Crow]

This guy was 23-ish when you started dating and he told you he’s been with over 100 partners before you? You said triple digits, right?

I’m not sure I buy that, to be honest.

Regardless, it seems your partner has some pretty serious hang-ups around sexuality. I suspect a doctor would help more than a label.

[nanogretchen4]

Well, if he's struggled with porn addiction and gotten caught employing sex workers online, and he says he had over 100 partners by age 23, I'm inclined to think his compulsive sexual behaviors include in person stuff as well as online stuff. And since we know that he has employed sex workers online during his relationship with the OP, I'm not inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt about not having continued to have actual in person sex with multiple partners during the relationship as well.