i feel bad for openly being proud of my aroace identity

[sleepytess]

it’s been a little while since i posted on the forum, but this has been on my mind a lot lately and i know this would be the best place to express it…

 

before coming out as aroace, i was in a ldr about two years prior - there were never any hard feelings and the person is one of my closest friends to date, despite the fact i’ve never met them irl. the main platform we used and met on is twitter, and since we started talking we have of course been following each other on twitter and had each other’s tweet notifications on.

 

this is what made me so scared to press tweet on my coming out as aroace tweet, knowing they’d see it and potentially take it as me saying, “hey, i never actually was romantically or sexually attracted to you while we dated,” which of course is true, it felt like i had been lying to them despite the fact i had also been lying to myself at that time, making myself believe i was attracted to them romantically.

 

though luckily, they texted me and assured me there were no hard feelings involved which, of course, was relieving to hear - but yet, i still feel reluctant everytime i go to tweet about being aroace, feeling like i’m somehow rubbing it in their face, reminding them of the lack of romantic feelings i always had for them.

 

despite them later even admitting themselves to be lithromantic, i found myself having the same feelings i had when i was about to tweet my coming out tweet - nervous to tell them about my qpp. this time, i was scared they would take it as if i’ve abandoned them in some way, and moved on, even though our relationship has been nothing more than a friendship for two years.

 

when i tweeted about my partner, there was no response from them, unlike from my coming out tweet. although they text me regularly and seem to be cheerful and unbothered and acting normal, i still fear that there’s some kind of hatred towards me for being with my partner, despite no signs pointing towards that. i want to passionately talk about aroace experiences often but i stop myself knowing they’re gonna see it, and i feel bad if they do…

 

i’m sure with time it’ll pass, but for now i feel like i’m weirdly betraying them. even though we’re both aro-spec and both on the spectrum where we both aren’t interested in romantic relationships, i feel like they may feel i’m valuing my partner over them by being in a qpr with them, even though i never would want to come off that way….

[Artemis42]

I think it would be good to talk to your friend about this. It sounds like you’re worried that you’re hurting them with no evidence supporting that idea, and you might be able to save yourself a lot of stress by bringing it up with your friend and telling them everything you’re concerned about. I totally get where anxieties like that come from, but talking about them can take so much pressure off of you. 

[The Abhorred]

From my experience it hurts more to say something that is the opposite of how you behave, like I think of you or I miss you while being indifferent, the least. Actions speak louder than words. 

You said you were lying to them. Did you say something that wasn't true about the way you felt?

I don't know this person so this could be just me, I find it hard to deal with the fact that someone I have feelings for is with an other person. There's nothing much you can do about that, if it's true. 

What I'm sensing from your post is a need of yours to protect this person's feelings. Are they indeed so sensitive? Have they say something like that directly or indirectly? And also Would you say that they care about you in the same way?

[WhiteCatandcherries]

9 hours ago, sleepytess said:

when i tweeted about my partner, there was no response from them, unlike from my coming out tweet. although they text me regularly and seem to be cheerful and unbothered and acting normal, i still fear that there’s some kind of hatred towards me for being with my partner, despite no signs pointing towards that.

Maybe an alternative perspective could help? They could have reached out to you about you coming out as aroace, because it is obviously relevant to them, but they may not even have considered that this is something you would like to talk about, because they see it as natural you got a partner (wrong word to use?) and they aren't affected by it. 🙂 Best talk to them! It will help to get it out in the open, and 99% chance they are just going to reasure you that everything is fine, and if it isn't then that is definitely something you can work out - you haven't done anything wrong or really hurtfull with getting a partner, and if it has caused them any pain you are clearly very open to talk it out with them. They also seem understanding of your situation, both in them reaching out and in their own sexuality. Good luck!

[sleepytess]

4 hours ago, The Abhorred said:

From my experience it hurts more to say something that is the opposite of how you behave, like I think of you or I miss you while being indifferent, the least. Actions speak louder than words. 

You said you were lying to them. Did you say something that wasn't true about the way you felt?

I don't know this person so this could be just me, I find it hard to deal with the fact that someone I have feelings for is with an other person. There's nothing much you can do about that, if it's true. 

What I'm sensing from your post is a need of yours to protect this person's feelings. Are they indeed so sensitive? Have they say something like that directly or indirectly? And also Would you say that they care about you in the same way?

in terms of lying, i mean about being in the relationship in the first place - there were presumed required romantic attraction between the two of us which of course then developed into the relationship… even though i didn’t exactly say the words, “i am romantically attracted to you,” it feels implied within the ‘rules’, if you will, of a romantic relationship (which, i know, is bullshit because aro people Can be in romantic relationships if they desire, at the time i just didn’t know that i was aro, i thought the platonic attraction i felt was actually romantic).

 

about that end bit, i don’t really know! they’re a pretty closed off person to begin with, with me probably being the person in their life who knows the most about them. i know they trust me because of this but it would be so easy for them to not tell me that something is up, as they often don’t tell anyone anyway. but i feel too direct to ask if i’m doing something wrong or if anything i said made them distance themselves from me. plus, if i were to ask, they’d most likely assure me nothing is up, even if it is - which i can’t blame them for, because i’d probably do the same thing.

[sleepytess]

23 minutes ago, WhiteCatandcherries said:

Maybe an alternative perspective could help? They could have reached out to you about you coming out as aroace, because it is obviously relevant to them, but they may not even have considered that this is something you would like to talk about, because they see it as natural you got a partner (wrong word to use?) and they aren't affected by it. 🙂 Best talk to them! It will help to get it out in the open, and 99% chance they are just going to reasure you that everything is fine, and if it isn't then that is definitely something you can work out - you haven't done anything wrong or really hurtfull with getting a partner, and if it has caused them any pain you are clearly very open to talk it out with them. They also seem understanding of your situation, both in them reaching out and in their own sexuality. Good luck!

yeah! i think it’s something to do with approval, now that i think of it.

 

just like if someone were to get in a relationship and talk about it to their friend, you’d want to get their approval on the person you’re going out with.

 

i think i just value their opinion and rather an opinion than the silence - they’ve actually talked to my partner multiple times before, so it’s not like they dislike them as a person at all. they just didn’t know that we were in a qpr… it’s definitely all just anxiety making me overthink an opinion, but… i don’t know, having the person you were in your first ever relationship with still in your life as a close friend, i think they’re automatically a person who’s thoughts are just as meaningful as any of my other close friends about these things happening in my life.

 

it’s almost certainly something im being dramatic about but this helped it be put more into perspective, thank you

[nanogretchen4]

If your relationship with this person has been over for two years there is a good chance that they have moved on with their life. They now know that you never had romantic feelings for them and also that you are in a qpr with someone else, so it would just be common sense for them to look elsewhere if they want a relationship. Since you discovered your identity and started a relationship without them being in the loop until you announced it on Twitter, are you sure they haven't also started another relationship in the last two years without your knowledge? 

[sleepytess]

On 8/9/2022 at 4:02 PM, nanogretchen4 said:

If your relationship with this person has been over for two years there is a good chance that they have moved on with their life. They now know that you never had romantic feelings for them and also that you are in a qpr with someone else, so it would just be common sense for them to look elsewhere if they want a relationship. Since you discovered your identity and started a relationship without them being in the loop until you announced it on Twitter, are you sure they haven't also started another relationship in the last two years without your knowledge? 

yes haha yes i’m very confident they haven’t - after i came out, they talked to me about how they personally started debating over their own romantic attraction after realising they didn’t really enjoy romantic affection and desire a romantic relationship when the idea presented itself to them irl. eventually labelling themselves lithromantic but bisexual, they’re not interested in romantic relationships but still experience romantic attraction to multiple genders.

 

plus, we are a pair of friends who would share that kind of life update to one another, that’s why i felt so obligated to tell them about my qpr! but since society does the job of putting committed relationships above friendships in terms of importance which is something i really didn’t wanna imply to someone who means a lot to me in my life! 

 

i think i’m okay now, the replies under this post has definitely helped me evaluate my feelings and how to approach them and discuss this which is a lotta lotta help