attraction, merged attraction, and what to do about attraction?

[binary suns]

• Attraction for me is clearly more than just desire. It is much stronger as a liking for a person, an admiration for them, and a desire for closeness, also thinking about them or obsessing about them, while an actual desire that could be categorized according to the split attraction model is like... secondary, lower, less pronounced.  

 

• My attraction either comes from liking how they look or liking their personality. 

 

• This attraction changes my feelings and thoughts about them. I just can't look at or think of the person in a completely platonic sense, I feel romantic or alterous attraction for them, and actually on rare occasion it's powerful, and if I get to know the person it usually gets stronger then as well.  I have never felt platonic attraction. I don't even feel something for pretty scenery or a painting, like I do think it's pretty and in the case of a painting well done, but it doesn't really feel like anything at all. So I've heard some people compare liking art or scenery to either platonic or aesthetic attraction, just doesn't make sense to me that way. 

 

• The large majority of my crushes have been alterous. For me, alterous attraction has a little bit of romantic attraction, but is mostly attraction that is somewhere between platonic and romantic. 

 

• I can split my desire according to the split attraction model, but who couldn't? desire is something that is clear - you desire X, and X can be logically assessed to fall under what category according to the SAM. Right? or am I wrong?
  
• However my actual feeling of attraction is most often and mostly just alterous attraction. I like the person, I'm fond of them, I feel affectionate towards them, and I feel a need to know them, be important to them, and them important to me. That isn't a clear desire according to the SAM. It's its own thing, and it's the same regardless of what I do desire about them.

 

• The desire I feel is a desire to touch them, look at them, get to know them. But, again, if I would assess these desires as attraction, well, they all feel the same. 

 

 

Questions: 

 

 

1. Do you know what this is, does it have a name, is there a study on how common it is? I've heard before that some or maybe many people do not really feel split attraction, that for them it is merged and is all felt as one attraction. I honestly feel like that is me. Do you know if it is talked about, have any links? I read about it once but I'm having a hard time finding articles about it through Google.
2. To me desire is a part of attraction, but it comes with an intense feeling of attraction, that is.... an emotional experience or something. Do you feel similarly? Just simply thinking about the person, being focused on the person, feeling a good but unique feeling for them that I lable attraction? Does this resound with you at all?
3. And if I would define attraction, it would be "a feeling of liking, infatuation, fondness, or similar feelings, and possibly thinking about them excessively or feeling obsessed with them." Would you feel the same about your experience?
4. Any thoughts or advice on what I've talked about in the bullet points? I feel frustrated by my feelings of attraction because they're just so nebulous, and so common. Merely glancing at someone walking by can trigger my attraction. It's so annoying. I don't really know how to react to it, mentally speaking. When I'm attracted I just have a hard time of changing my focus to something else. I don't know what to do about that. 
5. I can feel attraction to fictional characters, but they aren't real, so it's really confusing what to do about it. Any advice or thoughts on this? I don't really know how to think or react to these feelings of attraction. Since there is no one to get close to. When it's a person, then I know that I'd want to be close with them, however that means. But with a fictional character, I just feel sad because there isn't really a person there. 

 

 

[RileyA]

I don't have any type of split attraction. I'm quite skeptical about it to be honest. 

 

Why do you find it so necessary to break down attraction in this way? You know the people who experience attraction most (allo people) do not think of it in these ways? 

 

To me, it seems like you're into people just like most allo people are. Where it's going weird is where you overthink it so much. It's becoming more pronounced and harder to deal with. Maybe if you just accept that you experience attraction to people you find attractive, and that's just that, it won't be this big point of contention 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, RileyA said:

I don't have any type of split attraction. I'm quite skeptical about it to be honest. 

 

Why do you find it so necessary to break down attraction in this way? You know the people who experience attraction most (allo people) do not think of it in these ways? 

 

To me, it seems like you're into people just like most allo people are. Where it's going weird is where you overthink it so much. It's becoming more pronounced and harder to deal with. Maybe if you just accept that you experience attraction to people you find attractive, and that's just that, it won't be this big point of contention 

uh, I think you misunderstand me. I'm finding the split attraction model to be confusing and not my experience. I feel like I just feel attraction. Because of the SAM however, I am aware that my attraction is mostly alterous, but that's it. I don't feel it any different based on different desires, and I feel like the desires I feel are only a part of attraction, and not the bulk of it. 

 

I'm not allosexual or alloromantic. I'm only felt attraction to the point that it involved clear romantic desires four times, and most of the time it's something else. 

 

I would define an allosexual and alloromantic person as someone who both feels sexual or romantic attraction and desires sex or romance based on those attractions, and they feel it a normal amount, not rarely. I identify as a pomosexual greyromantic alterous person.

 

This post is just me trying to get some outside perspective on my thoughts and worries and etc. And maybe learn if someone has something I don't currently understand. 

[MarRister]

6 hours ago, Burgundy Ashe said:

I'm finding the split attraction model to be confusing and not my experience. I feel like I just feel attraction. Because of the SAM however, I am aware that my attraction is mostly alterous, but that's it. I don't feel it any different based on different desires, and I feel like the desires I feel are only a part of attraction, and not the bulk of it. 

I guess I am confused that if you feel the SAM does not work for you and the way you feel attraction, why are you defining your attraction in SAM terms? Splitting it into alterous would be SAM. The split attraction model is by no means a science or truer than not using it, it is solely a tool for developing and understanding. But many people don't find it to be useful in how they experience attraction. The distinct categories made up in SAM, are made-up, there could be more that are undefined and the ones that are defined might not fit your own experiences, and they can all bleed into each other, they are not separate boxes of feelings for everyone. 

 

I personally don't like SAM for myself. I am more attracted or less attracted or not attracted, it is more a spectrum of feeling for me, not distinct categories. I would say I am generally not attracted to my friends, because I see them only in a friend way and don't want more from them. Platonic attraction doesn't really fit with how I view my friends or people I want to be friends with and how I think about attraction. Maybe that is because I don't tend to feel strongly about wanting to make specific people my friends, if they want to be friends and I like them, cool, if not, oh well. Also I would not say I am attracted to pretty things, like nice paintings. I really enjoy art and music, and all sorts of aesthetic things, but I am not drawn to them in a similar way I am drawn to a person I feel attraction for. They are just nice to look at and I like having them around and some pieces would speak to me more than others, but I'd hardly equate that with attraction. Though I suppose the term attraction just means a draw towards something, and I would say some artwork would 'draw' me in more than other works, but in the scope of human relations I cannot relate these two feelings. 

[Artemis42]

For lack of a better term, this sounds pretty standard to me? Personally the SAM is useful for me and I use it, but I can still relate to some of hhow you describe your attraction, even if I am alloromantic. A lot of people don’t use the SAM, and that’s fine. Don’t use it if it doesn’t help you. Or only use it to the point that it’s helpful. I don’t strictly categorize every type of attraction I may have the capacity for, but the concept of romantic orientation is useful for me and it’s a framework of experience that works for me when I do want to analyze my feelings. 

[RileyA]

12 hours ago, Burgundy Ashe said:

I'm only felt attraction to the point that it involved clear romantic desires four times, and most of the time it's something else. 

 

I don't understand why you'd think this is an indication you must not be allo. There is no "normal amount". We all vary. It seems like you think by 21, we've all met like 50 people who we have these strong feelings of romance and desire. Just isn't the case at all.

[ThatBadCat]

What you are describing sounds like a pretty average allo experience. I can see why you would be confused if you are overthinking something completely normal and trying to fit it into a framework (the SAM) which was made up by a small group of people to help conceptualise their non-average experiences of attraction. Split attraction may be common in the asexual community, but it wouldn't even occur to most people to feel the need to use such a model to understand their patterns of attraction. You won't find studies on how common it is because it is the norm.

 

If the SAM doesn't work for you, don't use it. I don't think of my own experience in terms of the SAM, because it doesn't resonate with me. It is just a model made up by the asexual community, not the one true way of understanding attraction.

[Guest]

12 hours ago, MarRister said:

ss I am confused that if you feel the SAM does not work for you and the way you feel attraction, why are you defining your attraction in SAM terms?

TBH you're probably right. I desire closeness with the person including touch

 

12 hours ago, MarRister said:

I am more attracted or less attracted or not attracted

yes, this is exactly how I feel actually now that you say it that way. I labelled it because I thought I needed to. Also, because I very rarely felt an urge or desire for finding a partner with someone in particular.  So that's when I found alterous. But really I just feel a desire to get to know the person, be close to them, be important to them.... and the SAM doesn't define one attraction according to that. It could be platonic or romantic or alterous. But it doesn't really matter if I don't define it at all! thanks

[Guest]

5 hours ago, ThatBadCat said:

What you are describing sounds like a pretty average allo experience.

Really? the thing is the first time I ever actually wanted to date someone in particular was at 21, and before that I didn't feel a desire to date anyone in general either. That sounds pretty aromantic, no? In an alternate universe I defined my attraction as platonic and not alterous, and I did think I was aro for some time. I've also been feeling lately that I'm not sure I don't want a QPR over a romantic relationhip as well. I feel like my romantic desire is pretty low, putting me in the grey ro area.

 

I have been known to change my orientation label several times a year tho

[Guest]

Lol maybe I'm just a late bloomer

[Guest]

oh, I just remmebered, originally I identified as quoiromantic because I couldn't tell the difference between romantic and platonic attraction

[RileyA]

30 minutes ago, Burgundy Ashe said:

the thing is the first time I ever actually wanted to date someone in particular was at 21, and before that I didn't feel a desire to date anyone in general either.

 

At the moment, my nephew is staying with us. He's nearly 18. He has very low interest in dating and sex compared to me and my brothers. It's hard for me not to say "you sure you're not ace, bro?" just because he isn't that bothered about securing partners of any kind. 

[Guest]

11 minutes ago, RileyA said:

 

At the moment, my nephew is staying with us. He's nearly 18. He has very low interest in dating and sex compared to me and my brothers. It's hard for me not to say "you sure you're not ace, bro?" just because he isn't that bothered about securing partners of any kind. 

I don't understand what you're saying here. You aren't willing to tell your nnephew he might be ace because you don't want to assume his orientation, but you use him as an example assuming his orientation to tell me my experience is common based off one example?

 

Orientation isn't about what's normal or common or what most people feel. Yes, this is relevant, but if my attraction rarely comes with romantic desire, wouldn't that be little romantic desire?

[RileyA]

59 minutes ago, Burgundy Ashe said:

I don't understand what you're saying here. You aren't willing to tell your nnephew he might be ace because you don't want to assume his orientation, but you use him as an example assuming his orientation to tell me my experience is common based off one example?

 

Orientation isn't about what's normal or common or what most people feel. Yes, this is relevant, but if my attraction rarely comes with romantic desire, wouldn't that be little romantic desire?

 

I'm not willing to bring up the possibility of him being ace because he doesn't think that his (lack of) interest in dating/sex is atypical. Whatever message we got that someone like him (and the fact he's a cis him probably plays into this) is atypical, he hasn't received. 

 

For me, and I appreciate it might be me, some of this sounds like someone saying that they are homosexual, because they like hugging their same gendered friends and not just as a greeting/farewell. That person may well be homosexual, but that particular thing they listed isn't necessarily an example of homosexual attraction. Any feeling of theirs that a hug (or the desire to hug) is inherently sexual or romantic, and therefore indicative of sexuality, is societal conditioning.

 

 

[ThatBadCat]

2 hours ago, Burgundy Ashe said:

Really? the thing is the first time I ever actually wanted to date someone in particular was at 21, and before that I didn't feel a desire to date anyone in general either. That sounds pretty aromantic, no?

Not really? Some people develop an interest in that sort of thing later than others, and some people take longer to find the "someone in particular" they want to date, some people just have other priorities. It's unreasonable to expect people to reach these milestones at the same time. Average is just the mid point of the bell curve, there are always people on the outer edges too. It would be perfectly logical to assume you were aro before then, because it is later than average, but once you have found someone you are attracted to...

 

Anyway, my initial reply was in response to the feelings you described in your initial post, and the use of the SAM, not the age at which you develop particular types of attraction.