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Can a 10 year old be Ace?


Jaki The Furry

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Jaki The Furry

My 10-year-old is in the middle of puberty. she feels asexual what should I do? Is 10 years old enough to be ace? I love to hear your response.

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WhiteCatandcherries

I would say she could be ace, but she is too young to know for sure. I know that can suck to hear and I feel kinda like a dick by saying it as I don't want to invalidate people. But sexual attraction is generally developed in the teenage years, and asexual is the lack of something so we can't tell by a "here it is" approach but by a "it hasn't been here for a significant amount of time" approach. And by age ten, I would simply say that that time has not gone. She could be ace, she might never feel sexual attraction, but I think it is too early to tell. On the other hand I  don't really see any damage by taking on a label untill you learn more about yourself / something changes so something else fits better. But I am a bit unsure whether a 10 year old should do this. Here I mean that she is likely to recieve some form of backlash for identifying with the label, and I don't know if she as a 10 year old is mature enough to make the decision that that is something she is willing to do / should do.

Edit: sorry if I am coming off as unsupportive. I think people should live as their true self (if it's safe of course) and its great that you seem supportive of that and came here to learn more. I'm just a bit worried that her suroundings might react with acephobia with an extra dose of "it will come" because of her age, and I don't know if a 10 year old is equipped to deal with that. On the other hand I can't honestly argue for that people should hide who they are. Idk, just if she starts using the label publicly, be prepared to give a lot of support. 

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Queen Snowfall

Hi and welcome to the forum!

I don't totally know when it's normal to feel sexual attraction, as it hasn't happened to me, but it sounds to me like maybe a little young? That being said, I do have friends my age who have identified since pretty young, and were clearly right, so I think some people just seem to know early. I guess I would say just support her, it's possible she's right, but it's also possible it will change later.

On an unrelated topic, I'm not totally sure that a 10-year old necessarily understands the implications of using a label to describe themselves. I haven't told many people IRL about being ace, because in my country, that being public knowledge could possibly have some social consequences.

Anyway, just make sure she feels respected for how she identifies, and if that changes, its ok.

Hope that helps!

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WhiteCatandcherries

Also I don't mean to be a dick but (always a great start)... is there anyone in her life that could be pushing her to identify with these things and maybe making her make a "decision" on something she is too young to be really set on? Maybe I am just out of the loop, but I definitely didn't know about asexuality and sexual attraction when I was ten, nor were the concepts anything I really considered. idk everything might be perfectly fine, but reading that I was kinda automatically worried about (negatively) unrestricted internet access or adults in her life pushing things on her. Please don't take offence, I just hope everything is alright with the kid. 

She might just be a very educated and self aware child, but I just thought I would mention it.

Edit: Can anyone tell me if I am being ridiculous here?

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AstrophelDragon

Yeah, I would say she can definitely consider it, and know that it's an option, but probably wait a few more years before deciding if she actually wants to identify that way. Because there are definitely sexual people that did not feel attraction yet at that age

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Captain_Tass

Hi @Jaki The Furry!

 

As someone who identified as ace when they were younger but turned out to be sexual... just be supportive of your kiddo, and make sure she knows she can trust you enough to tell you how she feels about herself. We can't tell you if she's ace or not. She might be, or she might not be. All you can do is encourage her to explore her identity, and if that means letting her find comfort in identifying as asexual (whether that label stands the test of time or not)... so be it! But, try not to steer her in any direction, or she might lose trust in you. She'll find her own way, but the road is always easier when someone is in your corner and has your back!

 

Thanks for taking your question to this community, and I hope I was of some help!

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Anomaly Q3Xr

I don't know what sort of ag range is "normal" for people to start experiencing sexual attraction, as I have never experienced it. I think it's just important to support her and encourage her to just be true to herself.

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1 hour ago, Jaki The Furry said:

My 10-year-old is in the middle of puberty. she feels asexual what should I do? Is 10 years old enough to be ace? I love to hear your response.

it would be kind of unique if your 10-year-old daughter was already actually wanting sex with people. for a LOT of kids that age (especially female) they really aren't actively desiring any form of sexual intimacy, or even kissing, with other people. An average age for that to happen for females is like around 15 or even older, but honestly it can be really hard to know for sure as it's different for everyone.

 

A lot of young girls these days actually end up identifying as lesbian because they've been told they're meant to 'like boys' and because they don't yet, they just assume they're lesbian. But then eventually many of them do develop those feelings towards males, it just takes often takes much longer than it does for boys, and for some reason to this day female sexuality is still modeled to be like a reflection of male sexuality when they're often very different in many aspects.

 

I was identifying as ace (and displaying ace characteristics) until I was around 27 though, haha.

 

The best advice is to just  let the kid identify however she wants and don't make a thing about it, but if she seems to be stressing about it let her know that most people don't really know for sure at her age to just give it time and see if things change in the future or not :)

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If your 10 year old is going through puberty then she knows. Puberty is when all the girls started getting sexual attraction and also the time that I was like “why is everyone acting all weird and talking about sex”. I was confused because I wasn’t  experiencing sexual attraction like everyone else. Like @Life Of Tasssaid, be supportive and let her explore her identity. 
 

Some of us take awhile to figure out who we are. There’s no rush. 
 

Also… @Jaki The Furrythanks so much for checking into this for her. You sound like an awesome parent for wanting her to be herself and help her to understand who she is. 😊

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57 minutes ago, Shoro said:

Puberty is when all the girls started getting sexual attraction and also the time that I was like “why is everyone acting all weird and talking about sex”. I was confused because I wasn’t  experiencing sexual attraction like everyone else.

 

 

I think a lot of that may be performative regardless of gender. You get to an age where you're aware that people experience this thing and you want to mirror your older peers or show you're not a little kid any more. I think that gets confused with independent desire. 

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Janus the Fox
11 hours ago, WhiteCatandcherries said:

But sexual attraction is generally developed in the teenage years, and asexual is the lack of something so we can't tell by a "here it is" approach but by a "it hasn't been here for a significant amount of time" approach.

Yeah though for what I know, some development does occur as early as 8.  Not so much a sexual orientation but some form of awareness of what to like about other people and the genders of those.

 

Though personally… never had a single thing at 8, 10, 13, 16, 18 or 21, until decent education much later.  Mine though was formally measured by paediatric specialists, being 5 years late to physical puberty.   

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On 8/8/2022 at 10:30 AM, Jaki The Furry said:

My 10-year-old is in the middle of puberty. she feels asexual what should I do? Is 10 years old enough to be ace? I love to hear your response.

I would think its completely normal for a 10 year old to not be interested in sex. It would be pretty unusual for a 10 year old to be having sex! I think 10 year olds should just enjoy being a kid and not be worrying about having a label or sexuality yet. Maybe just reassure her that its normal to have no interest in sex at that age and to just live her life without worrying about. I'm sure there will be plenty of time as she gets into her teen years to start figuring out what her sexuality might be.

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everywhere and nowhere
On 8/8/2022 at 2:55 AM, WhiteCatandcherries said:

But sexual attraction is generally developed in the teenage years, and asexual is the lack of something so we can't tell by a "here it is" approach but by a "it hasn't been here for a significant amount of time" approach.

On the other hand, asexuals more on the sex-averse side can identify through a presence rather than an absence only. A child may learn how does sex work and decide: "Oh no, I don't want to do such things, it's dusgusting!". Now, it doesn't mean for sure that their feelings will never change. I quite like the idea that sex is, "actually", an inherently disgusting action and only feelings like love and desire allow this sense to subside so much that someone can endure sex and even take pleasure in it. Since children around ten years of age generally don't feel sexual desire (at most, some might feel a curiousity, strongly mediated by the "forbidden fruit" effect), they have no feelings which could alleviate the disgust. But it's also possible that their feelings won't change.

I have had this kind of reaction of "sex is disgusting", of "why should I do such things?" of "I have already decided never to marry and never to have children, so when I finally know how it works, I can add 'never have sex' to that". But the most important factor which made me sex-averse, hopefully for life, was my nudity aversion. I developed it already at a prepubescent age due to a chronic disease (allergy and atopic dermatitis) and it continues since then, giving sex a thick, suffocating aura of "having qualities I cannot accept".

On the other hand, I do think that there is more to that. If I had no asexual predisposition whatsoever, I would probably experience my nudity aversion more as an inner conflict, something along the lines "I want to try sex, but I can't because it involves nudity". I would probably develop a low self-esteem due to my illness. And contrary to such expectations, I didn't. I just base my self-esteem on my mind and not my appearance and consider the bodily relatively unimportant.

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21 minutes ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

On the other hand, asexuals more on the sex-averse side can identify through a presence rather than an absence only. A child may learn how does sex work and decide: "Oh no, I don't want to do such things, it's dusgusting!". Now, it doesn't mean for sure that their feelings will never change. I quite like the idea that sex is, "actually", an inherently disgusting action and only feelings like love and desire allow this sense to subside so much that someone can endure sex and even take pleasure in it. Since children around ten years of age generally don't feel sexual desire (at most, some might feel a curiousity, strongly mediated by the "forbidden fruit" effect), they have no feelings which could alleviate the disgust. But it's also possible that their feelings won't change.

I have had this kind of reaction of "sex is disgusting", of "why should I do such things?" of "I have already decided never to marry and never to have children, so when I finally know how it works, I can add 'never have sex' to that". But the most important factor which made me sex-averse, hopefully for life, was my nudity aversion. I developed it already at a prepubescent age due to a chronic disease (allergy and atopic dermatitis) and it continues since then, giving sex a thick, suffocating aura of "having qualities I cannot accept".

On the other hand, I do think that there is more to that. If I had no asexual predisposition whatsoever, I would probably experience my nudity aversion more as an inner conflict, something along the lines "I want to try sex, but I can't because it involves nudity". I would probably develop a low self-esteem due to my illness. And contrary to such expectations, I didn't. I just base my self-esteem on my mind and not my appearance and consider the bodily relatively unimportant.

 

I don't know if you've ever read any Georges Bataille on disgust and repulsion.

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10 is too young to really know if you are ace, but I don't think it's something you should be concerned about. It's normal for kids to go through all sorts of identities as they go through the pre-teens and teens, most of them won't stick, but it's an important part of the development of their sense of self. Just be supportive, let her know that you care and that she can always discuss these things with you, and don't be surprised if in a year or so she's telling you about an entirely different orientation. If she still considers herself asexual as 17 or 18, then maybe start taking it more seriously.

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