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Demisexual, dealing with a heterosexual boyfriend


Hemillle

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EDIT: Wow, some passive aggresive answers down there, huh? Chill people. xD

I'm just asking about this feeling of insecurity of having a heterosexual bf when you're a demi person. If someone else already experienced it, and if that's normal. That's all.

I'm not afraid he will cheat on me, I'm not a ''insanely bitchy jealous woman'' or anything¬†ūüėĎ

He is not ''getting tired'' of talking about the topic, he feels totally chill about it, and I'm not ANNOYING him. He is my boyfriend, and we are both very talkative and open minded people, we can BOTH talk for hours and hours non stop about most various topics, including our sexuality and experinces, and he also sometimes ask me things about me demisexuality, about how I feel, and we also know everything fom each others' past... and we are totally ok with this!

We even tried open relationship for some time, in mutual consent and mutual interest. When the time was right, we closed the relationship again, like we agreed to do, together. No drama. No fighting. No jealousy. We are a drama-free couple.

I always encourage him to go to big crazy university parties without me, go spend nights drinking with his friends, stuff like that (as I should, since I don't owe him or anything LOL). I'm not this person you guys are labeling me like. I just feel a bit insecure about the idea of my boyfriend desiring other women sometimes. And THAT'S ALL. I'm not dying because of it. Jesus.

 

We even sometimes agree other women are beautiful and hot, like, together, and comment together about it. I don't really care. Seriously. It's just this tiny little detail.

 

But it bothers me that you guys are even deciding if I'm ready to get married with him or not. Like??? That wasn't even on the topic? And WE ARE NOT getting married TOMORROW. We are both finishing university courses at the moment, and we have plans of graduating first, getting a job (although we already work freelancer), saving some money, get everything together and ready and THEN we intend to get married. Like, BOTH of us. We are already saving the money, aspiring for this LONG-TERM goal, that might take some extra years ahead, and we both know it. '-'

Idk, it feels to me like some of you are talking from a place of internal issues, past traumatic experiences, etc? (And that's okay as well lol )

 

Also, I appreciate the kind answers as well! I am NOT talking about ALL the answers below.  ; ) Thanks!!

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Hi, y'all! 

I am demisexual, 23, currently I have a heterosexual (25) boyfriend, and we are together for almost 3 years already! 

(Sorry about any typing mistakes, since English is not my first language >.<)

Well, I only feel sexual attraction when there's strong connection involved, and, before my current boyfriend I had other relationships, and I always used to think that I was asexual, and not actually demi. I've been questioning it for ages now, took me years to realize I'm actually demi, and I was sure I was after meeting my current boyfriend. :)

 

We do have a strong relationship, we heavily rely on communication (open communication, no taboos), respect, and all. We love each other and we intend to get married soon in the future.

 

We have already talked about this topic a lot of times.

 

But it still gets on my mind from time to time. It's just... it's very hard for me to accept that he feels sexual attraction towards other girls. Like ??? My demi brain/heart could never, of course xD

It's very hard for me to understand, since I feel barely nothing at all towards other people, besides him. Sometimes, I ask¬†him questions about it (not fighting, just discussing the topic, and really really trying to understand him better), about¬†how does it feel like, like you see a random person and feel like you would have¬†sex with this person, like, randomly?¬†>.< or do you feel like this person is kinda hot, and that's all? idk ūüėß

He always calmly answers all of my questions, and we talk a lot about it, he consistently says I'm the only one he loves and wants to marry, and the only one he actually wants to have sex with, the only and most beautiful person in the world for him.... yesh, it's cute and all, and I believe it, I trust him, but...... well.........

 

I still feel kinda sad about this. I knoooow, I know it's kinda silly. I know he isn't ''cheating'' on me just because of his sexual orientation, that he was born with. It's not his choice. I know. He is a very loyal guy, and I am as well. 

 

I mean, my brain logically knows it. It knows everything is ok, and there's nothing to worry about.... But my heart..... Still hurt a tiny little bit, you know? :(

I do feel silly. I mean, I think to myself: "you're demi, dating a hetero guy, what would you expect?? And you always knew he was hetero, from the beginning. So...?"

 

I know, I think a lot about this, and sometimes I'm too hard with myself, and I feel like I should have already gotten ''over it''? At this point? I'm not sure.

 

 

That's why I'm asking for opinions, or anyone who could have felt this way once, as well. Please tell me I'm not alone in this! Please xD

 

 

I don't intend to break up with him just because of this (of course not!!). From time to time these small insecurities just cross my mind randomly. And then I found out about this website/forums. :) So I thought, why not? Just wanted to talk about it a bit.

 

 

Anyways... Anyone?

 

Thanks for your time and attention!

 

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For me, I separate sexual attraction and desire. I see someone hot, and yeah, I find them sexually attractive. It takes interaction and some form of mutual interest for me to desire sex with them and pursue it.

 

Honestly, I don't think this is something to do with being asexual and not understanding him. It feels more like basic jealousy and insecurity.

 

You're an adult planning to marry this man, yet you're still caught up on who he thinks is pretty? Maybe you're not ready for such a big step. There will be a time when these repeated questions are just annoying.

 

He will always find other people to be attractive. I think you just have to learn to live with that. You won't change anything by harassing him about it. He will just start being untruthful to escape your heat.

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I am also demisexual, and the few times I have been in a relationship with someone I was attracted to I was not obsessively jealous. I did not feel a need to constantly interrogate them about their thoughts. I was able to observe and accept the reality that most people regularly experience casual physical attraction that doesn't mean anything and that they would never act on. Unless someone actually cheated on me in real life, it didn't bother me. I didn't keep saying, "But I don't understand!" just because I don't personally experience attraction the same way.

 

Demisexuality is where you don't feel sexual attraction without an emotional bond. That's it. There's nothing in the definition about jealousy or an inability to accept the reality of other people's sexual orientations. So, you are demisexual, which is part of who you are and won't change. And also, you have some patterns of thought and behavior that are not doing you or your relationship any good, and it is possible that you could work on those.

 

The first thing you could do, which is entirely under your voluntary control, is to talk to your boyfriend and tell him that you would like to switch to a don't ask don't tell policy about his feelings of sexual attraction to other people. You may have had this conversation 10,000 times in the past, but you can stop now. Don't let there be a 10,001st time.

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There's this other thing that's annoying. 

 

There are some people who either do not experience sexual attraction early on on a relationship OR they're unwilling to act on the sexual attraction they do have until certain conditions/milestones have been met. Both of these groups of people, particularly the last group, can mistake the way they do things for the "right" way. That's easy to do in a society where we are inherently sex negative. It's easy to think having sex "too soon" is wrong.

 

When you're in a relationship with someone like that (particularly IF that relationship is non-monogamous), the person can get into forcing their values around sex(ual attraction) on you. 

 

I recently experienced this in a relationship with someone who identified as demisexual, and is a gay man from a staunchly Catholic country. What started out as "I'm just curious"... turned into "I just think it's funny that..." to "you're a heartless whore who doesn't love anyone".

Edited by RileyA
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5 hours ago, Hemillle said:

I am demisexual, 23, currently I have a heterosexual (25) boyfriend, and we are together for almost 3 years already!

 

We have already talked about this topic, like... 10000 times. lol 

 

But it still gets on my mind from time to time. It's just... it's very hard for me to accept that he feels sexual attraction towards other girls. Like ??? My demi brain/heart could never, of course xD

 

Anyways... Anyone? ūüėē

To clarify, being heterosexual doesn't mean you want to fuck everything that moves. It means you're capable of desiring sexual intimacy with people of a specific gender under certain circumstances. Even though he might find other females aesthetically attractive, he'd probably fall under the admittedly very loose definition of demisexual used these days as well: He only actively desires sexual intimacy with the person he's in love with.

 

5 hours ago, Hemillle said:

He always calmly answers all of my questions, and we talk a lot about it, he consistently says I'm the only one he loves and wants to marry, and the only one he actually wants to have sex with, the only and most beautiful person in the world for him.... yesh, it's cute and all, and I believe it, I trust him, but...... well.........

 

I still feel kinda hurt about this. I knoooow, I know it's kinda silly. I know he isn't ''cheating'' on me just because of his sexual orientation, that he was born with. It's not his choice. I know. He is a very loyal guy, and I am as well. 

 

I mean, my brain logically knows it. It knows everything is ok, and there's nothing to worry about.... But my heart..... Still hurt a little bit, you know? :(

Again, here is he himself admitting he technically falls under the loose definition of demisexual that many use these days. He literally doesn't want to screw random folks, he only wants to screw you because you are the one he has an emotional bond with. However: 

 

4 hours ago, RileyA said:

You're an adult planning to marry this man, yet you're still caught up on who he thinks is pretty? Maybe you're not ready for such a big step. There will be a time when these repeated questions are just annoying.

I have to massively agree with this. You're an adult yet you're pestering this man over who he might think is pretty???

 

Even the most asexual of asexuals can actually still find people pretty or handsome :o He could be 100% asexual and still find other people nice to look at, because that's how many folks function. However, he only desires actual sexual intimacy with the person he has an emotional bond with, exactly like how you feel.

 

You're lucky. My ex actively wanted to screw any woman who walked past and cheated on me many, many times. To him, an emotional bond meant nothing. Your partner is someone who literally only desires sexual intimacy with you - you're extremely fortunate in that sense. So you need to cool it with all the questions because they're likely to start driving him away!!!!

 

But if the mere fact that he finds some other people nice to look at will upset you to the extent you need to keep asking him about it, and come here to make posts about it, you really need to consider whether you're emotionally ready for something as serious as marriage ūüėē¬†

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Hi, I'm not demi but if I may, what I perceive from your words is just normal jealousy. The same an allosexual, a demi or anyone in the spectrum could feel! I guess that jealousy, if it does not reach an unhealthy degree, is an ok sentiment when you're so young, so don't bit up yourself too much on this! Just try to not drive him crazy with your insecurity.. He is young, too, after all.

It's not different from the jealously he could feel toward any friend of you whom you're particularly closed with.

Try to remember that he loves you and a random pretty face is not going to change it as you're not going to fall for a random friend of you.

I'm allosexual and in 11 eleven years of relationship with my boyfriend I saw a lot of pretty bodies and faces but I never desired to have sex with any of them! Being allosexual doesn't mean we want sex only because a person is sexy! 

Be patient with yourself and with your feelings.

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MidnightStar

@Hemillle I’m sorry people were so rude to you. And yes I read through the comments and I consider them rude as well. It’s happened to me as well, there is a feature on here where you can ignore people… I usually go that route. Some of these people are consistently rude over and over again. It’s sad they scare so many people away from the forum

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