My wife and I recently realized she's asexual, I am struggling to adjust

[RileyA]

17 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Where was this stated? I did not see this assertion, but I also didn’t read back in time. Are you speaking to someone else?
 

I also don’t think this has to do with the point.

 

 

13 minutes ago, A-certitude said:

I've stated this nowhere but they thought my answer somehow implied that. I'm not sure why.

 

I think the implication comes on asking the initial question:

 

2 hours ago, A-certitude said:

It's understandable from a frustration POV, but did their SO knew before they got married ? 

And also, this part:

 

2 hours ago, A-certitude said:

who have spent their lives trying to conform to the widespread norm while thinking something was wrong with them. Not everyone is lucky to spot and understand their asexuality as is, right from their young age.

It creates a context where the time before the discovery is counted as labor given in the relationship. 

 

This is the way I see it:

 

Okay, so the sexual person feels tricked because they are frustrated and therefore feeling and acting (since they're stating they've been tricked) irrationally. 

 

But really even if they "understand" they weren't tricked, what changes?

 

What does that understanding look like? 

 

My experience with relationships generally tells me that people wanting "understanding" at such an impasse want more than verbal acknowledgement that their struggle is/was real.

 

[Traveler40]

8 minutes ago, RileyA said:

My experience with relationships

Ok.

 

However, your response was a leap imo, and I typically agree with your point even if I ache to blunt the edges.

 

 

8 minutes ago, RileyA said:

want more than verbal acknowledgement that their struggle is/was real.

Most want validation. For many it’s as simple as that.
 

Then you roll up your sleeves and figure it out. 

 

 

[A-certitude]

59 minutes ago, RileyA said:

 

 

I think the implication comes on asking the initial question:

 

And also, this part:

 

It creates a context where the time before the discovery is counted as labor given in the relationship. 

 

This is the way I see it:

 

Okay, so the sexual person feels tricked because they are frustrated and therefore feeling and acting (since they're stating they've been tricked) irrationally. 

 

But really even if they "understand" they weren't tricked, what changes?

 

What does that understanding look like? 

 

My experience with relationships generally tells me that people wanting "understanding" at such an impasse want more than verbal acknowledgement that their struggle is/was real.

 

That question about their SO being aware beforehand was not to excuse them being asexual for it is not something that can be excused. Nor is the fact of being sexual. But knowing and not disclosing it, that is trickery.

 

Have you considered the time before the discovery might also be seen by the sexual partner as labor given "for nothing" ?

 

The sexual partner understanding they were not tricked or that information was not withheld on purpose has its importance in clearing up things. What it looks like from their perspective is for them to answer; an asexual would only assume.

Some sexuals really think their ace partner is rejecting them. It's important for the latter that it is clear it is neither rejection, nor a lack of love. 

 

In my experience, efforts are made from both sides. It does not mean anyone owes anything because of what they put in. Of course both ends want to be understood and validated, it's normal, it's human. One side wanting that is not less acceptable than the other because they are the minority.

 

Is it possible that you're perhaps projecting a little bit from (second hand) experiences you've had ? 

[A-certitude]

22 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Ok.

 

However, your response was a leap imo, and I typically agree with your point even if I ache to blunt the edges.

 

 

Most want validation. For many it’s as simple as that.
 

Then you roll up your sleeves and figure it out. 

 

 

Exactly. I mean what more could one ask for ? Nobody is entitled to anything.

Making it work takes a lot of honesty, open-mindedness and listening from both sides.

[RileyA]

9 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Most want validation

 

If it was just about validation, it wouldn't be followed with "but what about all the years of unwanted sex"? It wouldn't even be brought up. And it is brought up. I think we both know it is.

 

Otherwise "yeah i see that you have been doing something you didnt really want to do" would be enough and you'd move on to addressing the actual incompatibility.

 

8 hours ago, A-certitude said:

The sexual partner understanding they were not tricked or that information was not withheld on purpose has its importance in clearing up things.

Clearing what up? Okay, the sexual person knows they weren't tricked, so they're not mad at you, they're still disappointed, concerned, etc etc. They're just not mad at you for doing this in purpose. Does that make a big difference to whether or not there is a compromise you could reach? 

 

 

8 hours ago, A-certitude said:

Some sexuals really think their ace partner is rejecting them. It's important for the latter that it is clear it is neither rejection, nor a lack of love. 

It is rejection. It's just sexual rejection rather than total rejection. As for love, it's more about whether someone can feel loved than whether they are loved. If you love me, but I don't feel loved, then there is a "lack of love". 

 

8 hours ago, A-certitude said:

Is it possible that you're perhaps projecting a little bit from (second hand) experiences you've had ? 

No, I'm going by the various ace people who say "but what about all the years I had sex?". I gave my example to say it's a human thing, not an ace thing. 

 

 

[anisotrophic]

Validation and agreeing an emotional response is understandable, without agreeing that it is justified (in type or intensity) and/or effective to act on, can be a challenging nuance to navigate.

 

It makes sense that it feels unfair and you feel misled, having lost unrecoverable time through years of doomed efforts and patience wanting to meet a need that’s now understood to be unattainable with your partner, and I don’t agree that it’s reasonable to direct that anger towards blaming a partner for deception when they did not deliberately mislead you.

 

 It makes sense that it feels unfair to have spent years of effort in trying to tolerate undesired experiences in order meet the needs of your partner, and wish for reciprocity, and those efforts were based on beliefs that a goal was attainable. I don’t agree that it’s reasonable to direct that desire for reciprocation towards wanting a partner to now indefinitely give up on meeting their needs, now that the goal of meeting them with you is considered unattainable.

[A-certitude]

3 hours ago, RileyA said:

 

If it was just about validation, it wouldn't be followed with "but what about all the years of unwanted sex"? It wouldn't even be brought up. And it is brought up. I think we both know it is.

 

Otherwise "yeah i see that you have been doing something you didnt really want to do" would be enough and you'd move on to addressing the actual incompatibility.

 

Clearing what up? Okay, the sexual person knows they weren't tricked, so they're not mad at you, they're still disappointed, concerned, etc etc. They're just not mad at you for doing this in purpose. Does that make a big difference to whether or not there is a compromise you could reach? 

 

 

It is rejection. It's just sexual rejection rather than total rejection. As for love, it's more about whether someone can feel loved than whether they are loved. If you love me, but I don't feel loved, then there is a "lack of love". 

 

No, I'm going by the various ace people who say "but what about all the years I had sex?". I gave my example to say it's a human thing, not an ace thing. 

 

 

For my partner and I, clearing that up was VERY important.

 

And no, in my case it is not rejection.

1. The act of rejecting, of throwing off or away, or of casting off or forsaking; refusal to accept or grant: as, the rejection of what is worthless; the rejection of a request.

I do not recall saying that I rejected my partner's requests for sex. 

 

Love can be expressed in various ways, sex being one of them but not the only one. Not every sexual's love language is touch. And even within the same subgroup, no two people are alike.

 

I believe people in a relationship with someone on the other end of the spectrum come here because they're overwhelmed but still willing to make it work. It's possible that they come from a place of love and  fear of losing their SO.

 

People from both sides seek to gain insight into their partners perspective. They also want to read about other people going through the same questioning as themselves. Therefore, they are in the best position to tell whether these insights sound plausible/relatable.  

 

Do you have that same line of reasoning when it comes to sexuals telling about their justified frustration ?

 

[RileyA]

8 minutes ago, A-certitude said:

Do you have that same line of reasoning when it comes to sexuals telling about their justified frustration ?

Yes. I think dwelling on whether the ace person knew and didn't tell you, or didn't know is irrelevant. Mostly because unless they tell you that they maliciously misled you, you can never really know if they did. I'd argue that they can't always say at what exact point they did know, and didn't say. There's nothing you can change at that point. 

[RileyA]

I think the same about arguing whether it is or isn't rejection, it's for the person concerned to say whether they perceive it as rejection. That's what counts. 

 

But to be clear, I'm not speaking about your situation here, I'm talking generally. I don't even recognize your username.

[A-certitude]

1 hour ago, anisotrophic said:

Validation and agreeing an emotional response is understandable, without agreeing that it is justified (in type or intensity) and/or effective to act on, can be a challenging nuance to navigate.

 

It makes sense that it feels unfair and you feel misled, having lost unrecoverable time through years of doomed efforts and patience wanting to meet a need that’s now understood to be unattainable with your partner, and I don’t agree that it’s reasonable to direct that anger towards blaming a partner for deception when they did not deliberately mislead you.

 

 It makes sense that it feels unfair to have spent years of effort in trying to tolerate undesired experiences in order meet the needs of your partner, and wish for reciprocity, and those efforts were based on beliefs that a goal was attainable. I don’t agree that it’s reasonable to direct that desire for reciprocation towards wanting a partner to now indefinitely give up on meeting their needs, now that the goal of meeting them with you is considered unattainable.

Well stated.

Everyone has needs and for anyone to give up on meeting theirs will only breed frustration.

This is why communication is key to sort things out. 

[Beggar]

Glad I found this site. Huge reality check for me yesterday after 45 years of marriage. My wife finally admitted she tolerated sex with me. Floored me. We have a tight relationship and marriage but this literally destroyed me. I’m still trying to figure out what happens next. 

[Sally]

53 minutes ago, Beggar said:

Glad I found this site. Huge reality check for me yesterday after 45 years of marriage. My wife finally admitted she tolerated sex with me. Floored me. We have a tight relationship and marriage but this literally destroyed me. I’m still trying to figure out what happens next. 

That's a very long time together.  I can understand how difficult that is for you.  I discovered that there was a thing called asexuality and that's what I'd felt for 40 years -- and I told my sexual partner (now no longer living) when I realized it.  It took him quite a while to understand that it was a situation with me, not due to who he was.  What happens next needs to be discussed between the two of you.  That may be influenced by the fact that neither of you are young now and may not want to make sudden or drastic changes in your lives.  

[Guest]

12 hours ago, Beggar said:

Glad I found this site. Huge reality check for me yesterday after 45 years of marriage. My wife finally admitted she tolerated sex with me. Floored me. We have a tight relationship and marriage but this literally destroyed me. I’m still trying to figure out what happens next. 

Oh my why would she say this after 45 years? I feel for you 🤗

[Sally]

1 hour ago, Astutusdomina said:

Oh my why would she say this after 45 years? I feel for you 🤗

Perhaps she just realized that that describes what she's been feeling for years?  That was my situation, and I wouldn't have felt right not saying anything.

[Guest]

Right for you or for him? Don't have to answer just curious.

I was having a discussion a while back about whether or not it was right to confess an extramarital affair to one's spouse. Interestingly a good American friend said of course while my French friend said never.

Long explanations ensued. It was an interesting discussion. Which brought us onto the topic of would you throw the fat man on the tracks...

[Sally]

3 minutes ago, Astutusdomina said:

Right for you or for him? Don't have to answer just curious.

I was having a discussion a while back about whether or not it was right to confess an extramarital affair to one's spouse. Interestingly a good American friend said of course while my French friend said never.

Long explanations ensued. It was an interesting discussion. Which brought us onto the topic of would you throw the fat man on the tracks...

Disclosing what you are feeling and what you have discovered about yourself is not the same as disclosing that you cheated on your spouse.

[Guest]

Too true. However there is an

Ongoing debate on whether or not to disclose whether or not one is dying. Research I have rea, which can be easily looked up, shows that it differs in many cultures. The important thing is that there is support.

In your specific case I wonder what the support is.

I'm not being judgemental just curious, my thirst to understand gets the better of me.

I'm still wondering whether you disclosed this for your partner or for yourself?

[learning2bme]

I told my husband this after 33+ years of marriage because he is still VERY into me and into sex. I just cannot do it anymore. It makes me sick to my stomach and that is not fair to either of us. I feel very bad for him...but I have been compromising myself for years. I feel so very bad for him. He has done nothing wrong. I have done nothing wrong. It is just an unfortunate situation. Time to move forward. I hope @Beggar can heal. Don't discount the affection you shared for 45 years. Your spouse obviously loves you and that is valid. I don't know what comes next for you. Obviously you love her, too as you are here, learning! Best of luck to you.

[Quinne]

On 8/7/2022 at 12:49 AM, WZZ said:

Im relatively new here, so I may be misjudging the vibe of these boards, but I don't see very many sexual partners here equating sex to love. Happyfamily even said in his original post that he's still deeply in love with his wife.

 

I'm positive this wasnt the intent, and your comment came from a genuine desire to help, but it feels.....infantilizing...maybe? To assume that sexuals think the only form of intimacy is sex. I've seen in numerous places how cuddling, kissing, massages, etc. are other forms of intimacy, and are presented as an alternative.

 

They are forms of intimacy. They absolutely are, and they're important. But they arent the same. I'm sure there are some intimate acts that, for some asexuals, create a deeper feeling of intimacy than others. A hug vs a long cuddle, or a long attentive massage vs a shoulder rub. All are forms of affection and can create intimacy, but to varying degrees.

 

I don't want to put words in his mouth, but as I understand it, Happyfamily is struggling with the sudden recontextualization of his wife's attraction to him, and what that meant for all their past sexual activities.

 

Her not being sexually attracted to him, like you said, doesnt mean she loves him any less. He certainly doesnt seem to think so. But she *does* feel differently about him than he thought, and it's jarring to suddenly find out you've never had an aspect of your relationship you always thought you had.

 

I'd argue that a lot of the sexuals on here agree with you, that the more important things in a relationship, the deep emotional connection, love, and respect, but just because those are more important, doesnt make the sexual feelings and/or lack thereof unimportant.

 

Like I said, I know your comments come from a genuine place, but I wanted to give a little perspective from the receiving end of that advice. It feels a little invalidating to be told, in various places (not blaming you, you didnt know), that there are other forms of intimacy. We know. They arent the same for many of us. And a lot of them are intertwined with our sexuality and sexual feelings, so it can be tough to separate them. But we're trying to do the work because we love our parters just as much as they love us.

 

Lots of us dont wanna throw away something thats so good in every other way, just because of sex.

👌🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[MyWifeIsNotTheAllo]

On 8/6/2022 at 11:50 AM, WZZ said:

I think we have really similar reactions to our change in perspective. Everything you're saying is *really* relatable.

This makes three of us. Eerily similar, almost to a T.