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My wife and I recently realized she's asexual, I am struggling to adjust


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HappyFamily0131

I (39m) have been married to my wife (34f) for seven years, and we've both just recently realized she's asexual.

 

Talking about it several times over the past few weeks, we've mapped out a reasonable amount of her situation. She doesn't have an aversion to genitals, mine or her own, nor an aversion to sex; she just isn't sexually attracted to anyone, and almost never has any interest in sex. When she does, it's a "scratching an itch" interest, and she doesn't find any added fun or pleasure in drawing out the process of getting to orgasm; she would prefer to just be brought to orgasm quickly and then be done. We always knew her sex drive was low, but she's from a rather sexually reserved culture, and I had always (wrongly) assumed she was just uncomfortable with her sexual side, and that she just needed time, patience, and trust to get in touch with it and "let it out". But now we both are aware that this isn't the case, and that, largely, "what you see is what you get", and I'm now aware that I'm never going to see a secret, sexual side of my wife emerge.

 

I still love her deeply, and am completely committed to our relationship and marriage, and I am still thrilled to have her as my partner in life. I'm just struggling to adjust my expectations for what our sex life is and can ever be. When we first figured out that she was asexual, and for clarity, she didn't think she was at first, as she associated that term with having a total aversion to sex; I'm the one who researched into what asexuality was about, the ranges of it, the different flavors of it, etc., and then explained what I'd learned to her and that it sounded like she might be ace, but when we first figured out that she was, I was not only fine with it, but kind of excited, because even this development was still A Development in an area of our life together that just was so... motionless, for so long. It was fun to learn something about her sexuality and explore it together, and somehow I thought, well knowledge is good, having this new knowledge will at least help us figure out some way to connect sexually, maybe in a different way than I had always thought we would.

 

But now I don't know how I feel, exactly. I feel strangely lonely, even though I'm with the same person I've always been with, and who I simultaneously feel a profound and deep emotional connection to. I guess I feel romantically close and yet sexually alone. I feel sad to now know that there has never been a time I attracted her sexually, and there will likely never be a time that I do. I feel sad that there will never be some thing that I can do or say that drives her wild; nothing drives her wild. Nothing drives her at all in that way. She's still receptive to sex, and wants me to be satisfied sexually, but I'm having trouble there, too. I'm not able to maintain an erection when we're together. I can't explain why. I still find her very physically attractive, but something just isn't working for me anymore. I'm considering using erectile dysfunction drugs like viagra or cialis to help me keep an erection, but it wouldn't be to overcome a physical problem. I'm able to stay hard when masturbating and I wake up with erections as I always have, so I feel like in using them I would be ignoring a problem, and moreover, a pill or an erection can't give me what I'm really missing or looking for, which is a present and "awake" sexual connection.

 

I don't know what advice I'm looking for, and I don't know if there is any advice that can help the situation, really. If anyone is in a similar relationship or marriage, with one person being ace and the other not, I would really love to hear from you, and any insight or advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

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I'm a newbie in this forum. I am asexual and married for over 30 years. I just figured out I am asexual. I love that you made the effort to research information for your wife. You sound like a very caring man. What you articulated is exactly the fears I have for my husband once he really understands what my sexual orientation means. I feel so bad/guilty that I do not desire him and I imagine that if he really thinks about what that means, he will be sad. 

I imagine you have issues with maintaining an erection because you are trying to make love with your partner. If you were in it for just a (I don't know if we can say f#$k) then you would probably be ok. I hope others will respond with some support and suggestions. 

Hang in there.

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3 hours ago, HappyFamily0131 said:

I don't know what advice I'm looking for, and I don't know if there is any advice that can help the situation, really. If anyone is in a similar relationship or marriage, with one person being ace and the other not, I would really love to hear from you, and any insight or advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

In a very similar situation here, but not quite as recent.

 

What took me, personally, a while to untangle about my feelings was that while my wife eventually came to a point where she said she was willing to get physical again because she wants to make me happy, I don't want it.

 

I do, but I dont, if that makes any sense at all.

 

It boils down, for me, to wanting to feel wanted; desired. If I dont feel that, I'm not going to get in the mood. Back when we were still sexually active, I used to have to convince myself she *must* desire me, because otherwise she wouldnt do it. When she offered, it was usually a very bland 'we could have sex' when trying to figure out what to do on a day off. The disinterest was such a turn-off I always said no.

 

(Dunno about you but that was one of the many 'of course' moments once she told me she's asexual)

 

So yeah. I desperately want to have sex with my wife, but to get something she cant give me. So I also dont want sex with her. Like you said, it's bizarrely lonely. (Especially when you try to wrap your head around the fact that you never had what you thought you did from it)

 

Right now I'm trying to percieve her other forms of affection that way, but it's a bit of a square peg into a triangle shaped hole at the moment.

 

Seems like this place has people dealing with a similar situation in all forms, so I'll bet you'll find common ground with people here.

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So first of all, you sound like a wonderful husband who understands what your wife is going through. Too many people are hasty to judge and make inaccurate assumptions about their relationship. As an asexual wife to a sexual husband myself, I thank you for being one of the more openminded ones!

 

The other thing is, many asexuals do have kinks and fetishes that turn them on. They may not feel sexually drawn to another person, but they could still respond sexually to those kinks and fetishes, which could then leads to sexual satisfaction for them. So in that sense, sex can still be a two-way street even if the origin of the desire isn't in the person but in the scenario, action, or item. Also, many asexuals do still love and even crave physical touch, to be near you, touching you. Not having a sexual response doesn't mean she desires you (in other ways) any less. Connection-wise, it's honestly not that different from sexual attraction. Only the sexual part differs. I don't know if this helps, but I hope at least it helps you a little in the area of not feeling desired and whatnot.

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HappyFamily0131
15 hours ago, WZZ said:

It boils down, for me, to wanting to feel wanted; desired. If I dont feel that, I'm not going to get in the mood.

This is it exactly. Thank you for articulating that so well, that's so it. She hasn't changed, but my understanding of her has changed, and so now I understand that she isn't really feeling any desire for me, and it's really affecting me. At best, I'm really uncomfortable proceeding with sex knowing my partner isn't feeling any desire for me, and at worst, maybe I just can't even be sexually aroused without feeling like there's a "live circuit," a reciprocation of desire and excitement. I'm still physically attracted to her, but together with her and in the moment, I just feel nothing, it's like I'm alone. It used to excite me so much when I thought I was exciting her, and now I know I never was, never will, and it's kind of devastating. And she can see it in me, this change in what I'm feeling and what I'm not.

 

I don't regret us learning this truth about her at all, I love her and deeply want her to be just her real self. But it's such an adjustment. And I don't know how I'm going to feel any sexual connection again. Or if I can.

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HappyFamily0131
15 hours ago, EmeraldIce said:

The other thing is, many asexuals do have kinks and fetishes that turn them on. They may not feel sexually drawn to another person, but they could still respond sexually to those kinks and fetishes, which could then leads to sexual satisfaction for them. So in that sense, sex can still be a two-way street even if the origin of the desire isn't in the person but in the scenario, action, or item. Also, many asexuals do still love and even crave physical touch, to be near you, touching you.

Thank you for this, we're exploring a little of everything right now, as she isn't aware of anything at all that turns her on apart from genital stimulation. I'm not super optimistic, but I'm trying to be. She does enjoy physical touch, hugs, holding hands, kissing, and it means a lot to me that these aren't just sensations she likes, but that they make her feel things, safety, emotional connection. It's something.

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2 hours ago, HappyFamily0131 said:

It used to excite me so much when I thought I was exciting her, and now I know I never was, never will, and it's kind of devastating. And she can see it in me, this change in what I'm feeling and what I'm not.

I think we have really similar reactions to our change in perspective. Everything you're saying is *really* relatable.

 

Especially the quote above. It's like...half the shock is finding out she's not attracted to you in that way. The other half is realizing she never was. It sorta....recontextualizes all that happened before, just like it changes what (if anything) comes after.

 

Hopefully, even if she can see all this in you, she's giving you the time and space you need. I've had a lot of time to work on my feelings, and it's getting better. It helps that my wife falls on the more sex-neutral side of things, so without prompting it seems to rarely pop into her mind naturally as something to talk about, which has given me some space.

 

My feelings around it are complicated, but in those early days it was a veritable gordian knot that I wasn't sure I'd ever untangle.

 

Letting that idea of never experiencing a sexual connection again (if you choose to stay together and monogomous) is what really takes some time to settle, in my experience. Some days what we have together is fulfilling enough, some days I keenly feel that empty space in the relationship. But progress has been made, and I have no reason to believe it wont continue.

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15 hours ago, EmeraldIce said:

So first of all, you sound like a wonderful husband who understands what your wife is going through. Too many people are hasty to judge and make inaccurate assumptions about their relationship. As an asexual wife to a sexual husband myself, I thank you for being one of the more openminded ones!

 

The other thing is, many asexuals do have kinks and fetishes that turn them on. They may not feel sexually drawn to another person, but they could still respond sexually to those kinks and fetishes, which could then leads to sexual satisfaction for them. So in that sense, sex can still be a two-way street even if the origin of the desire isn't in the person but in the scenario, action, or item. Also, many asexuals do still love and even crave physical touch, to be near you, touching you. Not having a sexual response doesn't mean she desires you (in other ways) any less. Connection-wise, it's honestly not that different from sexual attraction. Only the sexual part differs. I don't know if this helps, but I hope at least it helps you a little in the area of not feeling desired and whatnot.

Sorry to but in, but if it isn't off-putting would you please describe some of those kinks and fetishes. No worries if you don't want to.

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On 8/6/2022 at 8:55 AM, HappyFamily0131 said:

feel sad to now know that there has never been a time I attracted her sexually, and there will likely never be a time that I do. I feel sad that there will never be some thing that I can do or say that drives her wild; nothing drives her wild. Nothing drives her at all in that way. She's

Sorry you and your wife are going through this. It can be difficult for a sexual and asexual person to make a relationship work. I am asexual, but I can understand how it would feel awkward to have sex with someone when you know they're not really into it.

I just thought I'd add something from an asexuals point of view. Just because your wife is asexual doesn't mean she still isn't very much in love with you and attracted to you in other ways that aren't sexual - eg. romantically, aesthetically, emotionally attracted etc... Maybe you do "drive her wild" in a nonsexual way? Sometimes I think sexual people equate sex with love, but asexuals don't think of it this way. We are still capable of just as deep a love and affection as someone sexual. So don't feel that because your wife doesnt desire sex doesnt mean she doesn't still have strong feelings for you. 

Sounds like your wife is still willing to have sex with you? Ultimately then its up to you whether you can make that work or how important the sex aspect is to you. As an asexual I guess I don't really understand why sex is so important to people and why its such a big a deal in a relationship. To me there are far more important things like a deep emotional connection and love and respect for eachother. Obviously the importance of sex will vary from person to person, so only you personally can know how important it is to you and whether you can be satisfied with the kind of sex that your wife is willing to give. Are there other kind of sensual things she likes? Does she like kissing, a massage, etc... Asexuals all vary in whether they like physical touch or not. Maybe there are some other physical ways you can connect that you might both enjoy, and could then lead to sex? 

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29 minutes ago, Geekykitty said:

Just because your wife is asexual doesn't mean she still isn't very much in love with you and attracted to you in other ways that aren't sexual - eg. romantically, aesthetically, emotionally attracted etc... Maybe you do "drive her wild" in a nonsexual way? Sometimes I think sexual people equate sex with love, but asexuals don't think of it this way.  

Im relatively new here, so I may be misjudging the vibe of these boards, but I don't see very many sexual partners here equating sex to love. Happyfamily even said in his original post that he's still deeply in love with his wife.

 

I'm positive this wasnt the intent, and your comment came from a genuine desire to help, but it feels.....infantilizing...maybe? To assume that sexuals think the only form of intimacy is sex. I've seen in numerous places how cuddling, kissing, massages, etc. are other forms of intimacy, and are presented as an alternative.

 

They are forms of intimacy. They absolutely are, and they're important. But they arent the same. I'm sure there are some intimate acts that, for some asexuals, create a deeper feeling of intimacy than others. A hug vs a long cuddle, or a long attentive massage vs a shoulder rub. All are forms of affection and can create intimacy, but to varying degrees.

 

I don't want to put words in his mouth, but as I understand it, Happyfamily is struggling with the sudden recontextualization of his wife's attraction to him, and what that meant for all their past sexual activities.

 

Her not being sexually attracted to him, like you said, doesnt mean she loves him any less. He certainly doesnt seem to think so. But she *does* feel differently about him than he thought, and it's jarring to suddenly find out you've never had an aspect of your relationship you always thought you had.

 

I'd argue that a lot of the sexuals on here agree with you, that the more important things in a relationship, the deep emotional connection, love, and respect, but just because those are more important, doesnt make the sexual feelings and/or lack thereof unimportant.

 

Like I said, I know your comments come from a genuine place, but I wanted to give a little perspective from the receiving end of that advice. It feels a little invalidating to be told, in various places (not blaming you, you didnt know), that there are other forms of intimacy. We know. They arent the same for many of us. And a lot of them are intertwined with our sexuality and sexual feelings, so it can be tough to separate them. But we're trying to do the work because we love our parters just as much as they love us.

 

Lots of us dont wanna throw away something thats so good in every other way, just because of sex.

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HappyFamily0131
5 hours ago, Geekykitty said:

Maybe you do "drive her wild" in a nonsexual way? Sometimes I think sexual people equate sex with love, but asexuals don't think of it this way. We are still capable of just as deep a love and affection as someone sexual. So don't feel that because your wife doesnt desire sex doesnt mean she doesn't still have strong feelings for you. 

Sounds like your wife is still willing to have sex with you? Ultimately then its up to you whether you can make that work or how important the sex aspect is to you. As an asexual I guess I don't really understand why sex is so important to people and why its such a big a deal in a relationship. To me there are far more important things like a deep emotional connection and love and respect for eachother. Obviously the importance of sex will vary from person to person, so only you personally can know how important it is to you and whether you can be satisfied with the kind of sex that your wife is willing to give.

I know that I do "drive her wild" romantically, but in the sentences of mine you quoted, I was referring specifically to driving her wild with sexual desire. I think it's very difficult for me to explain why driving my wife wild with sexual desire is something important to me, something so important that knowing it's something I never have done to her/will never do, is deeply upsetting to me, even still knowing that she loves me, and has a great and genuine affection for me.

 

For me, a state of sexual desire is a powerful and profound altered mental state. It touches something deep inside of me, something that feels woven into the fabric of who or what I am. Arousing sexual desire in another person, a person for whom I am also feeling sexual desire, is intensely exciting. It causes a kind of feedback loop of sexual excitement, that builds on itself, almost by itself. I suspect it's an experience largely driven by deep and powerful evolution-instilled urges to procreate. It's like an urge for food or water, but stronger, more immediate, more overpowering, and when met, profoundly more satisfying. And, yes, you are entirely correct that, all things considered, it's really not the most important part of a relationship. It wouldn't make us more compatible, or let us solve problems we couldn't otherwise solve. It's nonetheless something I am quite saddened to know I'll never be able to share with her, and, more selfishly, something I am at least a little sad to realize I may never experience again.

 

You're correct that she's willing to have sex, and I've attempted it a few times, but it's a very different experience for me now, knowing that nothing I'm doing or saying is arousing sexual desire in her. It feels, mentally, as though I'm making love to a person who is paralyzed from the neck down. Her body is still the same body, and unlike a paralyzed person, she can feel my touch, but my touching her was driven by my desire to interact with her sexually, and I had mistakenly thought my touch was reaching a hidden and sexual part of her mind or self. I know now it isn't. I think I'm doing a bad job of explaining why such a thing is so important to me, probably because it's based on an irrational urge, but the urge is very powerful, and feels like it comes from something connected to the very core of me.

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1 hour ago, HappyFamily0131 said:

think it's very difficult for me to explain why driving my wife wild with sexual desire is something important to me, something so important that knowing it's something I never have done to her/will never do, is deeply upsetting to me, even still knowing that she loves me, and has a great and genuine affection for me.

Yes as I said I am asexual so it is hard for me to understand, but I certainly can appreciate that sex is very important to many people. You have a right to be upset and I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time.

You asked for advice, but there's probably not much that can fix this situation. From what I can see you really only have 3 options. You can accept your wife and the sex the way it is, or you could have some kind of open relationship where you have sex with other people but stay with your wife, or you end the relationship. I know none of those is ideally what you want but unfortunately there's no way to change your wife so that she will be what you want her to.

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1 hour ago, WZZ said:

Im relatively new here, so I may be misjudging the vibe of these boards, but I don't see very many sexual partners here equating sex to love. Happyfamily even said in his original post that he's still deeply in love with his wife.

 

I'm positive this wasnt the intent, and your comment came from a genuine desire to help, but it feels.....infantilizing...maybe? To assume that sexuals think the only form of intimacy is sex. I've

 

1 hour ago, WZZ said:

I'd argue that a lot of the sexuals on here agree with you, that the more important things in a relationship, the deep emotional connection, love, and respect, but just because those are more important, doesnt make the sexual feelings and/or lack thereof unimportant

Actually I've heard from alot of sexual people that say sex is a way of expressing love. Guess  thats why its often called "making love."  ??

 

I'm certainly not saying that sexual feelings are unimportant - I said their level of importance will vary between different people. Yes the original poster has every right to be upset and I empathise with their difficult situation. You seem somehow offended by my comments? I'm not sure way? I certainly didnt mean to offend anyone. The original poster asked for advice, so I tried to offer my opinion as an asexual person. They are free to ignore what I have to say if they don't like it 😝

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34 minutes ago, Geekykitty said:

You seem somehow offended by my comments? I'm not sure way? I certainly didnt mean to offend anyone.

I know you didnt. I tried to point out that I knew it wasnt you intention. I also tried to explain myself as best I could, but it's a complicated thought and I'm not surprised I didnt do a great job.

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HappyFamily0131

I think we're all friends here, and that no one is offended or has meant any offense. I think you, Geekykitty, expressed yourself well, and still I can see why WZZ attempted to clarify things; I felt the same very minor and clearly unintentional... let's call them irritations, I felt the same ones he did when reading your thoughtful and sincere post. We're all doing our best to see out of eyes we don't have, or to hear with ears we don't have, or to attempt to imagine being without a sense that we have known our entire lives, and we're all making a splendid mess of it, but our hearts are all very clearly in the right places.

 

Let's all agree to be Fonzies. We're all cool.

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8 hours ago, HappyFamily0131 said:

I think we're all friends here, and that no one is offended or has meant any offense. I think you, Geekykitty, expressed yourself well, and still I can see why WZZ attempted to clarify things; I felt the same very minor and clearly unintentional... let's call them irritations, I felt the same ones he did when reading your thoughtful and sincere post. We're all doing our best to see out of eyes we don't have, or to hear with ears we don't have, or to attempt to imagine being without a sense that we have known our entire lives, and we're all making a splendid mess of it, but our hearts are all very clearly in the right places.

 

Let's all agree to be Fonzies. We're all cool.

No worries. You asked for advice, I was just offering my opinion. It's fine if you don't agree with my opinion. I'm sure you know what is best for your own situation. 😊

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I'm not sure if my sharing can help. I'm the sexual while my husband isn't and the feelings you describe fit me to a T.

I have mourned the death of sex in our marriage and I am wrongfully or rightfully treating it as the loss of someone very dear to me. I know there are options but I choose to stay. The loss remains with me.

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HappyFamily0131
1 hour ago, Astutusdomina said:

I'm not sure if my sharing can help. I'm the sexual while my husband isn't and the feelings you describe fit me to a T.

I have mourned the death of sex in our marriage and I am wrongfully or rightfully treating it as the loss of someone very dear to me. I know there are options but I choose to stay. The loss remains with me.

Absolutely it helps. I'm seriously going through the stages of grief. Currently I'm in something close to bargaining, where I catch myself entertaining thoughts that we will try everything and somehow find something that arouses her, and then everything will be back to the way it was. And I have to stop myself and say, hey, yeah, maybe, but also maybe not, and I have to be okay with "not". This, this new place we're in, or this old place I'm only now realizing is where we've always been, this might be where things stay, and that's okay. And then it's another round of feeling upset, guilty, angry, etc.

I'm certain I want to stay. I don't know if I'll be able to compromise or if at some point I'll ask for the freedom to satisfy my need for sexual connection outside the marriage. That idea terrifies me, and the idea of never feeling that sexual connection again in my life also terrifies me, so either way I'll be facing down fear at some point. Kind words always matter. It's a relief and a comfort to read about anyone else facing a similar dilemma.

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EmeraldIce
On 8/6/2022 at 11:34 AM, Astutusdomina said:

Sorry to but in, but if it isn't off-putting would you please describe some of those kinks and fetishes. No worries if you don't want to.

I can't speak for everyone, but my personal one is spanking. It turns me on and gives me that sense of urgency that no sex or human contact can ever provide. It also allows me to experience the perfect "me" that I am not in real life, in a scenario that I would be terrified of if I didn't feel safe.

 

This has been a deep-rooted thing for me that started as early as age seven or eight. Almost all the fictional characters I was ever obsessed with had one thing in common, and that was the fact that they invariably suffered greatly at the hands of their family members and chose to not only not retaliate, but also repay it with kindness. And that was the self-sacrificial person I fantasized myself as. I read dictionary entries related to spanking and whipping over and over, I did several school projects on torture methods, I even placed bets (that I lost on purpose) with my little cousin with being hit as the consequence. These were all things I did as a child. Having seen a lot of corporal punishment in the types of books I read and having witnessed my aunt and uncle hit my cousin (not the one I placed a bet with) on many occasions, I even found myself wishing my parents were more of the corporal punishment type. As I got into my teenage years, I started hitting myself on occasion, imagining and inserting myself in various scenarios.

 

When I was a kid, there was nothing sexual about it, just this natural draw and desire to be in such scenarios. In fact, when I first discovered porn, I was searching for spanking and torture and stuff and had no idea the results would be sex-related. It took me a while to realize it was porn, and when I found out, I was rather grossed out. I found it to be a defamation of something I found so beautiful. Even to this day, I'm not exactly into the BDSM aesthetic because to me, it's overly sexualized. But the ironic thing is, I do have a sexual reaction to it. I discovered it when I was maybe 15 or 16 years old. I was watching some real judicial caning videos and I felt this tingle that was the first sign of any sort of sexual desire I've ever felt. Previously, I'd tried to masturbate according to the books, and nothing worked, and yet here it was, a feeling that actually was natural. From then on, I usually masturbated to spanking videos or stories and it's one of the only things that work, and most reliably so.

 

Spanking yourself is actually really hard. It was better than nothing, but while I'd get worked up and turned on doing it, there's always something missing from the experience, and that's someone else doing it. With someone else, it takes the exertion away, and it takes the mind away. Most of all, you don't have to make yourself do it, as that's the hardest part. With someone else doing the hard work, I find that I enjoy it a lot more. And for the first time, I found myself actually craving more as it's going on. It's like, the feeling that it's going somewhere, not unlike what people typically feel when they're having sex or masturbating. Except sex doesn't do it for me. It never has. But with spanking, it comes so easily. Sometimes if I'm reading or thinking something related or if I happened to have a bruised bottom that I can feel, I get super distracted in a sexual way. I've never gotten that feeling with anything else in my life.

 

I know this post is lengthy and probably TMI. The reason I chose to say so much is because I'm trying to portray this in a way that's relatable for a lot of sexuals. Because this process honestly isn't that different from someone realizing their sexuality. It's not some passing interest. It's something that's deep-rooted in who we are, something that perhaps might be present from childhood and that we just didn't associate with sexuality until later on. It may not be sex itself, but it does drive people wild. To some of us, the feeling and experience we get out of satisfying a fetish or kink can even be more sexual than sex itself. And more important, to many people, it does feel like a very intimate thing, even a crucial element to a relationship, for the simple reason that it's not something that we can or are willing to experience with someone other than our significant other, and yet we'll always be searching, always feeling like something's missing, trying and yet falling short of satisfying that desire ourselves, if it's not there.

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Windmills of My Mind

Wow EmeraldIce, what a beautiful description. I am very much vanilla myself so have never quite understood the attraction of kinks/spanking. Your version is the best I have ever come across. By far. Thank you for elaborating 👍

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Mountain House

Hey @HappyFamily0131and @WZZ,

 

On 8/5/2022 at 4:55 PM, HappyFamily0131 said:

she just isn't sexually attracted to anyone, and almost never has any interest in sex.

Yep, I recognize that.

 

On 8/5/2022 at 4:55 PM, HappyFamily0131 said:

When she does, it's a "scratching an itch" interest, ... she would prefer to just be brought to orgasm quickly and then be done. We always knew her sex drive was low, ... and I'm now aware that I'm never going to see a secret, sexual side of my wife emerge.

 

On 8/5/2022 at 8:41 PM, WZZ said:

 my wife eventually came to a point where she said she was willing to get physical again because she wants to make me happy, I don't want it.

 

I do, but I dont, if that makes any sense at all.

All that stuff, I relate. Here's what we did to bring sex back into our relationship:

  1. I stopped expecting sex to ever happen again. I love her for who she is, not her sex, so I told her I was okay if we never had sex in our relationship again. I don't bring it up or try to initiate.
  2. We had long and deep talks about her motivation for sex. "Duty" sex to make me feel good just doesn't. I don't want that either. It blew her away that I could tell.
  3. She spent a few months trying to determine her motivation. This was actually hard for her. She described it as wavering between trying to be the cruise director and feeling guilt that she didn't want sex. I had an open relationship during this time - you probably don't need that - but at one point she felt that she lost her sex life. Until then she was pretty sure that she didn't need a sex life.
  4. We talked about how we used to have a sex life together and although it doesn't hit all of my needs it is something I value in an intimate way. This helped us come to a common definition of "desire" for our sex life. It isn't sexual desire but a desire to share sex intimately.

So, sex happens when her libido tells her she would like it, about 6-8 weeks. It's intimate and fun. She worries that I want to be more adventurous and want more experiences and I keep pointing out that sex is different for different couples, and this is just what our sex is. Sexual Intelligence

 

On 8/5/2022 at 8:41 PM, WZZ said:

It boils down, for me, to wanting to feel wanted; desired.

Different kinds of being wanted/desired to explore. We found one that works for us.

Being sexually desired, seduced/teased/thrown down, probably every sexual that ends up here feels this longing. 

 

Don't know if this is helping.

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