Tell Your Ex Before or After Divorce?

[SimonB]

My ex-wife and I separated last year and will be finalising our divorce within the next couple of months. I didn’t know I was asexual while we were together but worked it out a few months ago.

 

We were together for 12 years, married for 10, and have a nine-year-old son. We share 50/50 custody and get on well as parents, there’s no animosity between us.

 

For those of you who’ve been in similar circumstances, did you tell your ex you were asexual before you got divorced or afterwards or not at all? How did it go?

 

And for those of you who got divorced and then later found out your ex was asexual, was it any particular help to know that before or after the divorce? Did it make things any easier or harder?

[RileyA]

I'd imagine, based on similar experiences, that it could be helpful to know that it wasn't personal. But only if it was a point of contention. In my case, it was, and so it was helpful to know it wasn't about me. 

[nanogretchen4]

I say after. It sounds like you are very close to finalizing an amicable divorce with a good coparenting relationship. Coming out two months before everything is finished could look like a last minute play to save the marriage. Sometimes when couples realize they are in a mixed orientation marriage they go through some kind of hysterical denial stage where they're like, "We found out the truth three weeks ago and our marriage is better than ever!" The asexual partner decides to have sex with their spouse, and they're like, "Now that I've finally admitted to my spouse that I never wanted sex, I suddenly want sex for the first time in my life! It's a miracle! I'm sure I will be fine with having sex twice a week for the rest of my life." Then after having sex two or three times they remember that they really hate having sex. Then the sexual partner remembers that they hate celibacy, but since they made such a big deal about their marriage being miraculously healed they decide to just suffer for a couple more years before saying never mind. I'm not saying this temporary insanity will necessarily afflict you and your soon to be ex if you make the big reveal before the divorce. I'm just saying after is safer.

[need-to-know-more]

4 hours ago, SimonB said:

My ex-wife and I separated last year and will be finalising our divorce within the next couple of months. I didn’t know I was asexual while we were together but worked it out a few months ago.

 

We were together for 12 years, married for 10, and have a nine-year-old son. We share 50/50 custody and get on well as parents, there’s no animosity between us.

 

For those of you who’ve been in similar circumstances, did you tell your ex you were asexual before you got divorced or afterwards or not at all? How did it go?

 

And for those of you who got divorced and then later found out your ex was asexual, was it any particular help to know that before or after the divorce? Did it make things any easier or harder?

Simon B - if you would not mind my prying question.  Do you believe your asexuality may have been causal in the divorce?  This is using hind-site of course.  If I am over stepping with this question, please let me know.

[Guest]

@SimonB hey sorry about your divorce, I understand you are going through a difficult time. I have a child too so yeah I understand...but the good thing is you get to co-parent @SimonB?? Is that the arrangement the co-parenting?? How do you feel about it?? Sorry if any question is too personal, you don't have to answer. 

[SimonB]

On 8/5/2022 at 11:16 AM, RileyA said:

I'd imagine, based on similar experiences, that it could be helpful to know that it wasn't personal. But only if it was a point of contention. In my case, it was, and so it was helpful to know it wasn't about me. 

On 8/5/2022 at 2:27 PM, need-to-know-more said:

Simon B - if you would not mind my prying question.  Do you believe your asexuality may have been causal in the divorce?  This is using hind-site of course.  If I am over stepping with this question, please let me know.

Looking back, it contributed to why my ex asked for a divorce, she said we felt more like roommates than husband and wife. So I do want to let her know that me being asexual may have contributed to that, I'm just deciding when to talk about it.

 

On 8/5/2022 at 12:32 PM, nanogretchen4 said:

I say after. It sounds like you are very close to finalizing an amicable divorce with a good coparenting relationship. Coming out two months before everything is finished could look like a last minute play to save the marriage… I'm not saying this temporary insanity will necessarily afflict you and your soon to be ex if you make the big reveal before the divorce. I'm just saying after is safer.

It definitely seems safer that way. I can see how for some this might be an attempt to save a marriage, but I wasn't thinking of it like that; the end result will be the same regardless, that we'll be divorced. The reason I'm thinking about it is more idealistic, perhaps naively so; if our positions were reversed, would I want to know my ex was asexual before we finalised the divorce? I'm not sure for myself, that's why I made this thread 🙂

 

On 8/5/2022 at 5:25 PM, stampoc said:

@SimonB hey sorry about your divorce, I understand you are going through a difficult time. I have a child too so yeah I understand...but the good thing is you get to co-parent @SimonB?? Is that the arrangement the co-parenting?? How do you feel about it?? Sorry if any question is too personal, you don't have to answer. 

That's correct, we co-parent 50/50, meaning my son is with me for three days, then with his mum for three days, back and forth like that. It's been working well so far, my son feels that both our places are his homes. I miss the family we used to have, but I'm glad we seem to be doing well by our son. And to take care of my own well-being I've been hiking a lot lately, that's helped both physically and mentally.

[MrDane]

Not divorced or asexual! I think, it would take a great unneccesary load of the shoulders of the sexual to know that some of the struggles in your sex life migth have come from the mismatch or lack of understanding about the asexuality. The sexual migth still be doing everything wrong though, but it is more fair to let them know.

[SimonB]

On 8/14/2022 at 9:26 AM, MrDane said:

Not divorced or asexual! I think, it would take a great unneccesary load of the shoulders of the sexual to know that some of the struggles in your sex life migth have come from the mismatch or lack of understanding about the asexuality. The sexual migth still be doing everything wrong though, but it is more fair to let them know.

Thanks for your perspective, that's also what I've been considering, basically alleviating any guilt she might feel. But she explicitly told me she didn't feel any, so I can also take her word on that? I am prone to overthinking things, have been trying to take what people say at face value lately.

[nanogretchen4]

I think it is good to tell her as long as you wait until after the divorce is final, but it is not super urgent. You don't necessarily need to call for a special meeting to tell her this. But if you have a chance to talk when nobody is emotional or preoccupied with something more urgent you could casually drop this information into conversation and be prepared to answer whatever questions she might ask.

[SimonB]

On 8/19/2022 at 5:57 AM, nanogretchen4 said:

I think it is good to tell her as long as you wait until after the divorce is final, but it is not super urgent. You don't necessarily need to call for a special meeting to tell her this. But if you have a chance to talk when nobody is emotional or preoccupied with something more urgent you could casually drop this information into conversation and be prepared to answer whatever questions she might ask.

My ex and I finalised our divorce a couple of weeks ago and went out for brunch afterwards, for a kind of post-marriage exit-interview

 

It was very comfortable and though I'd not planned to talk about me being asexual, it felt right, so I did. She was very understanding and it was really nice to be able to talk about it with her. It made sense of certain things, she was grateful that I told her.

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice @nanogretchen4, @RileyA, @need-to-know-more and @MrDane.