Trying to help my husband become himself...

[AliceInWonderland]

Hello.

My husband just recently admitted that he's asexual. This clears up a lot of questions and some issues for me and him. However, he now denies it and wants to change for me. I've watched him struggle for years, and I don't think he should even try to change now. I think even if it is a disease that's causing this and not because he's asexual, it's just too late to do anything about it because it has been going on for too long. I think that his making himself change will be like making me change into an asexual. It just won't happen. I've been celibate for years because he hasn't wanted to have sex. The biggest problem is that since he's heterosexual/asexual, he wants a romantic relationship with me, so it's hard to deal with this since I want sex in my romantic relationship. But, I think that in the end, he and I won't be happy together. I really don't know what to do, but I hope he "finds" himself before we get too old to enjoy life the way we each deserve to. He doesn't even like holding hands or kissing open mouthed, and we usually don't even hug, but he and I get along well otherwise. But, I think I'll have issues if I stay with him (in fact I might already have them), and I think he already has issues with my pounding his confidence into the ground like I have done for so long. I realize that I'm the one who needs to make sure I'm happy and ditto for him. I guess I'm just venting, but I wish he could meet you all - the asexuals, I mean. I think he would probably get on the right path if he did. He's not ready for that yet. Is there anything I can do to help him get there? I don't want to push him too much though. Thanks for all of your posts. It has been eye-opening.

Quotes I like: "People will only make you feel the way you allow them to make you feel."

[Chiaroscuro]

Is there anything I can do to help him get there? I don't want to push him too much though.

Suggest therapy. A good therapist is the greatest gift in the world, if you can afford it. And couples therapy, even if you only go for a few sessions, can show you things about your relationship you never knew existed. Incredible experience for me.

Best of luck. I think your instincts are right, but if you're the dominant personality in the relationship, he may have no idea what he wants at this point. It might do both of you some good if he found out what that is before either of you make irrevocable decisions.

best of luck,

-Chiaroscuro

[frustr8ed]

Hello.

I don't want to push him too much though. Thanks for all of your posts. It has been eye-opening.

"

Why not push him...the only way you'll grow as a person is if you step out of your comfort zone. I think you and he need for this to come to a head... otherwise you will waste years of your life at this stage...

a therapist will help both of you come to a conclusion for sure.

I'm there for you if you need help and .....sorry to sound so abrupt but these are the facts and you need to face this issues head on.

[jaybird721]

My husband just recently admitted that he's asexual. This clears up a lot of questions and some issues for me and him. However, he now denies it and wants to change for me. I've watched him struggle for years, and I don't think he should even try to change now.

I think that his making himself change will be like making me change into an asexual. It just won't happen.

He's lucky to have someone as understanding and appreciative as you; I hope he'll be able to accept himself and realize this.

[jr1]

You sound like a great spouse. Just tell him about this site. The people here are great and there's an incredible ammount of research that the members have done

[AliceInWonderland]

Thanks for all of your posts. Financially, it's hard for us to do other than remain in the "do nothing" stage. Frustr8ted, I do agree with you about stepping out of the comfort zone. I am making an attempt to do this. I just recently told my husband that I've taken care of myself for the past few years by masterbating. That was hard to type (like when it's hard to say). But before that, I was celibate for years. That just doesn't work. I've gone all of these years with less than what I desire and I'd like and feel that I have earned the right to more than what I'm settling for now, and I don't see how he cannot see that. I just think we'd be happier with people that we have something in common with sexually. When I told him that I, well you know, the m word, he was horrified and didn't want to hear anymore. I hadn't told him about it before now because I was afraid of how he'd react. I don't know why I was so afraid to because now, I'm relieved that I told him, and I was okay with his reaction.

Chiaroscuro, I think the therapy is a good idea, but he doesn't think he has a problem and would be too embarrassed to go to a therapist about his sex life anyway, so that will never happen. I could go by myself and would like to, but we don't have the means right now.

I also wonder if the reason why he still wants to be married to me is because of his family. Maybe he's afraid he'd be an embarrassment to them if we didn't stay together. I don't know what it is, but I don't like the, "keeping up appearances" way of thinking.

Thanks for all of your posts.

[vikingo]

... My husband just recently admitted that he's asexual. ...

So, did he admit under "light physical pressure"? Depending on how the word admit is used and interpreted it can be associated with grades of guilt - and to some men the feeling of guilt or of being accused is a significant turn-off. Additionally if felt un-understood some men will emotionally seek cover and suspend the talking, since it apparently leads nowhere ... Consider someone to assist the communication. A male therapist. When your husband realises that this is about making your relation working, and not only about brainwashing him, he will probably admit this to you. Good luck!

[AliceInWonderland]

Hi Vikingo.

I say, "admitted" because he told me that he watched Montel (it was a rerun that was aired again recently) and could relate to everything the asexuals were saying. He said it was like receiving a great gift when he found that there are actually people out there with which he can identify in this way. He led me to this website which he said was mentioned on the show, but then he wanted to find out if he had any of the diseases Dr. Davidson discussed. So, although he felt relieved, he next seemed to be backing out of what he said. I can't understand why he seemed to be feeling good about his new revelation but then next, he didn't seem to want to be that way. I had suggested that we start having sex again because we've had issues not related to this, and I thought it would help him relax (like it does me), but he didn't like my suggesting it during bad times. I think the issues have caused us to manifest our true selves - him being a 1 and me being a 2.

[vikingo]

... if he had any of the diseases Dr. Davidson discussed. So, although he felt relieved, he next seemed to be backing out of what he said. I can't understand why he seemed to be feeling good about his new revelation but then next, he didn't seem to want to be that way...

I think to most people, the finding that other people exist with similar thoughts or interests is felt as a relief. Has to do with group identification. But not all gifts are wanted.

In your shoes I would probably try see the apparent attitude change as positive, you describe him as reluctant to accept himself as asexual and chooses to dig into it ... isn't this the opening you ask for? If so ... give him your support. Don't impose things on him, be cool, let him know where you stand and what you expect but let him find the thing inside himself by his own looking. Preferably. I think.

[Tool1989]

It could be that the reason why he is happy that he had this "revelation" is cuz he knows now where he is in the world, that he is not alone. But he is upset with himself because he is forcing himself to be the way you want him to be. I know you aren't pushing him in anyway (right?) but you have to tell me to just be himself and stop changing for you. You can try to come to a compromise but it will be tough. It will be tough for a therapist too since this is a somewhat new field (they weren't taught it in college/university courses) and I think the best thing to do is to empathize toward him and see how he is feeling/thinking. Empathizing is what therapists do anyways! It's not something you learn from a textbook no matter what you took in college/university. But.....if all else fails, seek a councillor (I never trusted them though)

[AliceInWonderland]

... if he had any of the diseases Dr. Davidson discussed. So, although he felt relieved, he next seemed to be backing out of what he said. I can't understand why he seemed to be feeling good about his new revelation but then next, he didn't seem to want to be that way...

I think to most people, the finding that other people exist with similar thoughts or interests is felt as a relief. Has to do with group identification. But not all gifts are wanted.

In your shoes I would probably try see the apparent attitude change as positive, you describe him as reluctant to accept himself as asexual and chooses to dig into it ... isn't this the opening you ask for? If so ... give him your support. Don't impose things on him, be cool, let him know where you stand and what you expect but let him find the thing inside himself by his own looking. Preferably. I think.

Your post triggered something in me. I was anxious at having to wait for him to want sex with me. "When will we?" I'd ask. He said we would, so I waited for him to give me what I wanted and what I thought he wanted. I thought that in the end, our answer would be sex. I had expectations, conditions - too high, I guess. I suppose I was still hanging on that. I should have played out another scenario just in case, but I would never have thought of this (due to my one sidedness and society's beliefs) before now. He gave me an answer, and yet I still am looking for something more. Even if he is sort of backing out of saying he's asexual, he has given me AN answer. You're right. It is positive in that he has realized something more. Now, I have to look to myself for what my actions and thinking will be. This will probably require me to step out of my comfort zone as said above - I fear the unknown. Okay, I have progressed a little bit more.

Thanks.

[vikingo]

Thanks.

You're welcome :D