What attracts you to a person?

[Libellule]

I find myself drawn to kind, thoughtful and creative people who have similar core values and a similar sense of humour to mine. This applies to both friends and dates. 

 

As for appearance, I always think it doesn't matter to me that much but I have to admit a few guys I've been with looked really similar haha. So I seem to have a thing for tall and fit (but not overly muscular) men with dark hair and light eyes. I also find tattoos really attractive, though that also depends on the design.

 

Things that repel me: bad manners, disrespect for other people, lack of self-awareness, no interest in personal growth.

 

[J. van Deijck]

I'm much closer to aromantic than to alloromantic and I'd rather respond in the general sense of how it goes to me. People who are genuine, not afraid to be themselves, sometimes "outside the norm" (I've always liked punks and goths on that matter), who are honest and loyal and understanding, and definitely non-judgemental. And those who wouldn't try to fit me into the "norm" and try to turn me into someone I am not, because I'm specific as well, you either love me and take me as a whole or don't take me at all. So, in conclusion, someone I can be myself with. Some level of compassion and empathy would be nice, too.

In aesthetic sense, definitely eyes. Colour doesn't matter, it's more about their shape and how expressive they are. And voices, I seem to be attracted to certain voices. Except that, I don't seem to have a  "type". Two guys I've been attracted to have blue eyes and blonde hair, two of them have dark hair and one has grey eyes, the other has hazel eyes (my husband). One was younger than me, one is much older (again, my husband), one was the same age as me. One was as tall as me, two were shorter, one was taller. One is a gamer (guess who, my husband ), one is into shortwave radio like me, some have tattoos and/or piercings, some don't. It all doesn't matter for me because their personality is the key in the end.

Currently I'm quite attracted to two men, one I'm talking about here quite often (sorry guys ), but I can't seem to be able to figure out if this is more platonic or more alterous, and the other is my husband, who is always the first person for me.

Sexually, I've never been attracted to anyone at all.

 

Now what repels me: people who are overly rude and lack empathy, people who are judgemental, who generalise others, or who patronise others, I just can't stand it. Also, people who seem to forget what shower is. I'd say it like that (it comes from an inside joke between me and my friends): you don't have to be the Antonio Banderas type of a person, you're attractive as long as you're neat and smell good. And of course, personality is the key.

[StarryNightAllAlone]

28 minutes ago, godverdomme said:

In aesthetic sense, definitely eyes. Colour doesn't matter, it's more about their shape and how expressive they are.

I agree with you, 100%.

[Sally]

Intelligence and an English accent.  

[ThatBadCat]

Intelligence and competence, kindness, humour. Lean muscle, messy hair, a crooked smile.

[J. van Deijck]

2 hours ago, Sally said:

Intelligence and an English accent.  

That too.

 

Or if we go that direction, Dutch-speakers do the right thing to me.

[Broken Doll]

Personality, preferably sweet and caring. 

 

[Guest]

Ignore this post 

[bare_trees]

Do they like Star Trek? (J/K--sort of). 

 

I might be kind of contradictory here.  When I'm first meeting someone, I'm drawn to those who are 1) the kind of social butterfly who knows how to make everyone in the room feel comfortable and seen...such an awesome trait, and I wish I was more like that, 2) those who are very quiet and observant...what's going on with them?  What are they thinking that they're choosing not to share?  And 3) people who are kind of silly and gently irreverent.  In school, the guys I had crushes on were always the class clowns.  (I would've had crushes on girls who were class clowns, but it seems like a role that was generally reserved for guys in the classroom).

 

Physically, I love full-figured women and lanky guys.  But that stuff is secondary if someone is interesting to me for other reasons, like the ones above.

 

Am I attracted to anyone?  Well, definitely my partner, who happens to be a lanky guy who is some mix of the quiet one and the class clown.  

[vin3g4r]

During my teenage years I was often asked what my ideal type was, and I've always found it hard to reply. Someone kind with gentle eyes and a nice smile (not talking about teeth or the look of it, it's more about what they communicate with it? I hope it makes sense). Someone smart but not intimidating, who listens when people talk to them. Someone who has similar interests and maybe some different ones, so that we could talk about them and learn new things. Someone funny (it's a plus if they have a nice laugh), loyal, that can accept me as I am, that makes me feel safe. Probably someone that is not too awkward with physical interaction because I am. I don't go crazy for physical interactions but I don't dislike them. As many users above, I have the tend to be attracted to people who stand out for some reason.

 

About the looks, I used to have a preference towards blue/green eyes but I never cared much, I've liked people with dark eyes as well. Except for the eyes thing, I've never really had a type. I really like fashion so I like when someone has a fashion sense, whatever the style is, but it's not that relevant.

 

About off-putting things, I don't like rude, tactless people, people that always have to be right without even listening to the other part(s), people that don't care about their family and friends, that are always late and that joke too much about sensitive topics without knowing what they're talking about (unfortunately I happened to meet many people like this). Also, people that talk too much about sex and make too many sexual jokes, it becomes boring to me after a while.

 

Do I have a crush now? Not anymore, I think. 

Spoiler

Her laugh was lo lighthearted it still makes my heart melt a little bit if I think about it.

Writing this was so hard and I think I forgot something. I think it took me like, one hour.

[awadama]

I like long necks.

[Kimi_gata]

This will probably sound weird, but grounded personalities. People who can be a baseline when my emotions are out of control.

Spoiler

And sometimes voices.

 

[StarryNightAllAlone]

On 8/16/2022 at 7:01 PM, bare_trees said:

Do they like Star Trek? (J/K--sort of).

That's the most important quality!

[StarryNightAllAlone]

@Su. Great detailed list.

[StarryNightAllAlone]

On 8/18/2022 at 2:47 PM, awadama said:

I like long necks.

Long necks are elegant.

[StarryNightAllAlone]

On 8/13/2022 at 5:18 AM, Broken Doll said:

Personality, preferably sweet and caring. 

 

Very important. I agree.

[hewhomainsness]

no idea

[Lord Revan]

Probably gravity.

[imnotafreakofnature!]

MUST HAVE A JOB!! I'm DONE with men welching off me! 🤬🤬🤬🤬

 

Love me, love my cat. (I also love dogs, but cats just fit my lifestyle better right now.)

 

Honesty. Before discovering asexuality was even a thing, I was in too many relationships with men who weren't honest about who they were and what they wanted/expected from a relationship. (I've always found it rather amusing that men are always saying, "What do women want?" But when you tell them, they can't deal with it - at least not if it's not what they want to hear.)

 

Intelligence. Not genius level, but not stupid either. (I once dated a guy who said a couple should be of one heart and one mind.  I'd say, "Yes, one mind - and I have it!" He always laughed, but I wasn't joking. He really wasn't the brightest crayon in the box - but that probably says more about me than it says about him. Needless to say, it didn't last very long.)

 

Healthy. Not a muscle-bound gym junkie, but someone who takes care of himself. (At my age, men like that are getting harder to find.) Although as an Ace, I wouldn't care if he had E.D., as long as he didn't expect any other sexual crap, like fondling, showering together, etc.

 

Spiritually compatible. 

 

Someone with similar enough interests to be compatible, but different enough to be interesting to each other. Also, someone who isn't clingy and is willing to give me the space and alone time I need.

 

Is there currently anyone I know who fits that bill? No. And quite frankly, I don't expect there ever will be. 

 

I'm okay with that.

[Eroell]

I'm attracted (both romantic and platonic attraction) to people who are more extroverted, more outgoing, more self-confident and more optimistic than me. And have sense of humour. Even better if they share hobbies with me.

[Siimo van der fietspad]

Well, I certainly don't have a 'shopping list' and I've been in relationships with girls of different heights, body types, hair and eye colours, ethnicities, musical abilities, interests and economic backgrounds. However, broadly speaking:

 

- Pursues some kind of sport or activity - running would be the most ideal because it's what I do, but it's the passion, self-discipline and health benefits that count. Liking football and cycling also desirable (at least watching, playing better still)

- Somewhat extrovert without being annoying or superficial.

- Can look after themselves and doesn't need babysitting. Opinionated, but opinions based on good reasoning

- Left-centre politically and environmentally aware without being a loony hippy

- Willing to go on adventures and rough it if needed. Respects my flight-free travel.

- Being musical would be good but actually I have dated mostly non-musicians in the past.

- Don't want kids

- Some shared interests but some of their own - again it's the passion and intelligence that count the most.

 

Appearance - well, I have been with girls of various appearances, however I have to be honest and say that I like tall, athletic women with a decent amount of hair who look good running. Neutral on tattoos and piercings. Slightly quirky casual dress style but would look as good in hiking gear or football kit.

[cato]

Platonic personality traits I'm attracted to:

• Appreciation for chaos.  A good litmus test is whether you were/are a monster in the Sims, Rollercoaster Tycoon, Grand Theft Auto, etc.
• Deeply analytical.  The world should be interesting to you, and you should want to learn more about it
• Dry, teasing humor
• A strong sense of self
• A strong moral code and sense of ownership and responsibility.  High standards for yourself
• Friendly and outgoing

Romantic personality traits I'm attracted to:

• Platonic traits from above
• Even-keel and a positive, "if we work at it, it'll all work out" attitude.  I am a world-class pessimist and really need someone to balance me out
• Empathy for others.  Your natural empathy should implicitly push me to be a better person
• Extraverted and comfortable socially
• Patience
• Value exercising and being fit
• Organized and take-charge, but not in a domineering way
• Nurturing

Gonna ignore traits that pretty much everyone is repulsed by (e.g., being self-centered, cruel, etc.)

 

Platonic traits I'm repulsed by:

• Lack of ambition
• Not wanting to be the best they can be for its own merit
• Being too financially motivated (it's ok to want to earn a lot of money, but you should also be working hard because you care about doing a good job, not just because of money)
• Take pride in subverting rules, testing authority, finding it fun to "beat the system" for their own benefit
• Thinking highly of themselves

Romantic traits I'm repulsed by:

• Lack of interest in exercise
• Homebodies
• Growing up in one place and never leaving, despite having the means to do so.  It's one thing if you grow up somewhere, move away for a few years, and then come back, but to never leave your hometown/state is offputting to me
• Pessimism
• Easily bored; hobbies, life direction, etc. change every few months

 

I don't think I'm repulsed by quiet introverts, per se, but I'm definitely not at ease with them.  Some introverts (not all) I don't know how to interact with or read.

[SorryNotSorry]

On 8/3/2022 at 6:35 PM, StarryNightAllAlone said:

What attracts you to a person, romantically and/or sexually? (You can answer this from a friendship perspective if you're aromantic.)

 

What personality traits and physical traits (sexually or aesthetically) are you attracted to? What personality and/or physical traits repel you?

Nowadays, NOTHING.

 

Back when I did feel attraction, it was to all the traits which are no-nos according to the Unwritten Rules.

[Siimo van der fietspad]

13 hours ago, cato said:

Platonic personality traits I'm attracted to:

• Appreciation for chaos.  A good litmus test is whether you were/are a monster in the Sims, Rollercoaster Tycoon, Grand Theft Auto, etc.
• Deeply analytical.  The world should be interesting to you, and you should want to learn more about it
• Dry, teasing humor
• A strong sense of self
• A strong moral code and sense of ownership and responsibility.  High standards for yourself
• Friendly and outgoing

Romantic personality traits I'm attracted to:

• Platonic traits from above
• Even-keel and a positive, "if we work at it, it'll all work out" attitude.  I am a world-class pessimist and really need someone to balance me out
• Empathy for others.  Your natural empathy should implicitly push me to be a better person
• Extraverted and comfortable socially
• Patience
• Value exercising and being fit
• Organized and take-charge, but not in a domineering way
• Nurturing

Gonna ignore traits that pretty much everyone is repulsed by (e.g., being self-centered, cruel, etc.)

 

Platonic traits I'm repulsed by:

• Lack of ambition
• Not wanting to be the best they can be for its own merit
• Being too financially motivated (it's ok to want to earn a lot of money, but you should also be working hard because you care about doing a good job, not just because of money)
• Take pride in subverting rules, testing authority, finding it fun to "beat the system" for their own benefit
• Thinking highly of themselves

Romantic traits I'm repulsed by:

• Lack of interest in exercise
• Homebodies
• Growing up in one place and never leaving, despite having the means to do so.  It's one thing if you grow up somewhere, move away for a few years, and then come back, but to never leave your hometown/state is offputting to me
• Pessimism
• Easily bored; hobbies, life direction, etc. change every few months

 

I don't think I'm repulsed by quiet introverts, per se, but I'm definitely not at ease with them.  Some introverts (not all) I don't know how to interact with or read.

I think we'd get on fine.

[Lord Revan]

Magnets. 

[SpaceDustbin]

Kindness and humor are the most important ones, but they must also be the tiniest bit curious to the outside world (outside of their home town or city they studied/work), or at least, not afraid to step out of their comfort zone every now and then

 

As for physique... the people I've been attracted to all look completely different, so I'm not seeing any common theme there in that respect 😂

[J. van Deijck]

12 hours ago, SpaceDustbin said:

As for physique... the people I've been attracted to all look completely different, so I'm not seeing any common theme there in that respect 😂

Same here

[Maybe Mae]

I think the two things that attract me to people the most are shared interests and kindness. 

Also I tend to unconsciously seek out other neurodivergent people so I guess that attracts me too. 

When in doubt I usually try to befriend anyone dressed vaguely alternative or when that's not an option, I tend to gravitate towards whoever is drawing, reading just generally doing their own thing during social events because I tend to get along well with introverts. 

 

What repels me is people who are judgemental for no reason and people who think cruelty is funny 

 

What attracts me specifically in a I want to have a relationship with this person kind of way be that romantic or queerplatonic is someone who I genuinely likes hearing me talk about my special interests. That is my one requirement. 

 

 

[J. van Deijck]

On 10/20/2022 at 7:33 PM, Maybe Mae said:

What attracts me specifically in a I want to have a relationship with this person kind of way be that romantic or queerplatonic is someone who I genuinely likes hearing me talk about my special interests. That is my one requirement. 

I don't even have this requirement anymore because literally no one is into the same things as me. I don't fit with my interests even in here

[harmonic turquoise]

I am attracted to people who shine as themselves. I also think people who can see things from multiple perspectives and who can see the essence of things are fantastic.