A brief rant/vent or whatever

[Guest]

**NOTICE - This thread and a post made in 2020 were the catalyst to make meaningful change. This thread is being used now to track/journal my progress along the way. If you read, I hope you can learn from my mistakes***
 

Original message below:
 

Made a few posts a couple years ago, had a few conversation with folks here that we’re never concluded cause I just stopped reading/replying in the middle, exhausted thinking about it at that time, but of course that doesn’t mean anything was ever resolved. 
 

Married 18 years and same issues many folks here have talked about with years of a sexless marriage that wasn’t what I thought I was marrying into. Years of resentment, ‘discussions,’ work and finally learning about what I/we think are accurate definitions for my wife’s asexuality etc. Sure, there is other ‘good,’ in there, and reason why a black/white solution isn’t pursued, but there’s no point in posting that stuff (it is there, but we’re only here because of the other junk we deal with). 

 

That’s just all to say that there’s a long history, and this isn’t my eureka moment discovering anything. Discovering definitions occurred a couple years ago, I’ve lived with it, constantly thought about it since (as well as all of the prior years which lacked a definition), but overall pretty much ignored as much of it as I could, cause what’s the point? 

 

Anyway, I guess ignoring and suppressing has just hit one of those boiling over points where I felt like venting. 
 

This weekend I went out to brunch with a few friends. The main friend I went with is a single guy (who hates that’s he’s single). After I get home he shoots me a text about a girl who came up to him to chat, exchange numbers and all after he ‘made eye contact,’ with her during brunch. I don’t know why, but yesterday, going out, being at a place with a bunch of attractive people milling about, chatting, concluding with my bud being approach by this girl has just triggered all my simmering feelings regarding my life of forced celibacy.

 

I live with the anger, resentment, and regret daily, so it’s nothing new, usually just crosses my mind briefly, but at this moment it’s just all consuming and I’m really pissed off by all of it. 
 

I’m pissed at myself for getting to this point (again). I’m pissed for not figuring something, ANYTHING out. I’m pissed that I have to be the one to bring anything up about it.
 

I’m pissed how she gets to live her best life only because of my ‘acceptance’ and suppression of my own desires. I’m pissed that I’m the only one that has to deal with any of this.

 

I’m pissed after coming to read this forum and all the resources for asexuals, when it is the loving, and dedicated partner who discovers all of this crap after building a life who truly has the most to deal with. I’m pissed that she only has a problem if I make it a problem. I’m pissed at my forced celibacy.

 

I’m pissed that as a decent looking guy I can’t have a sexual relationship with my wife, nor can I be a guy who can talk to a random girl after brunch like my friend did, and ‘see where it goes.’ 

 

I’m pissed that even if I did force the issue of being open, to the general world, I’m just another sleazy married dude even though that’s like the furthest thing from the reality of the situation. I’m pissed that I’d only want that because I can’t get that from my own wife. 

 

 I’m pissed I got married at 24. I’m pissed at the deceit all those years ago thinking I married a sexual girl, and then finding out it was all an act (albeit, not a conscious act, still an act nonetheless). I’m pissed at having any thought about being pissed at being married, cause I love my daughter. 
 

Hell, I’m pissed about all of the rest of my wife that is great. I’m pissed about all of my own BS that she accepts. 
 

ugggg…. Sorry, just boiling over, ranting and pissed I can’t just move on with my day and get back to work. 
 

I’m pissed that the only ‘fair’ to all parties involved solution I can think of is if I met a married girl I was attracted to, who lived in my city, had an asexual husband, was dealing with all this same crap as I am, and the chance of that happening is about as likely as winning the lottery. 
 

sorry to interrupt your days… just had to do something, hoping this can stop interrupting my own day. Sorry for the poor grammar of my rant as well. Wouldn’t be a vent if I proofread.
 

All the best to the partners of asexuals who have reasons to also make this their life. 

[MidnightStar]

As an asexual, if you were my husband, I would definitely do a trial separation. It might be a ‘grass is always greener’ situation or you might find happiness and freedom you’ve not felt in a long time.  Your right, it is all unfair to all involved. I’m asexual and not kicking my husband out the door but if this is a dealbreaker for him I understand. Only he can decide that. She’s given you the information (she’s asexual)… what you do with it is your choice. 

[Mountain House]

Hi @HiddenKS,

Thank you for posting this. It is a valuable perspective here. Respect.

 

Oh, and

1 hour ago, HiddenKS said:

if I met a married girl I was attracted to, who lived in my city, had an asexual husband, was dealing with all this same crap as I am, and the chance of that happening is about as likely as winning the lottery. 

EF you (in jest, of course) for bringing that hope to the front again.

 

The only thing holding you where you are is you. Embrace your choices.

[Guest]

7 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

Hi @HiddenKS,

Thank you for posting this. It is a valuable perspective here. Respect.

 

Oh, and

EF you (in jest, of course) for bringing that hope to the front again.

 

The only thing holding you where you are is you. Embrace your choices.

Lol - one can dream right? Well, one can dream, and then wish we couldn’t cause then we’re just dwelling on that infinitesimally small sliver of hope, when it’s the hope that kills us. 
 

On the choices - yeah, and all of those are based on the larger story that takes into account all of the good stuff about my wife, but I’m not here to vent about the good bits.
 

Today I’m pissed, and venting about all of the other bits. 
 

Cheers man and hey, if you ever come across an attractive, lady married to an asexual man living in the KC metro area who needs someone to talk to then stop talking with them yourself, cancel the flight you booked within minutes of finding this unicorn, and let me know 😝. 

[RileyA]

I suppose what I can't imagine in these situations is how the (long) conversation goes:

 

Spouse 1: I need that thing I always got from you when we started dating. It's part of why I dated you. 

 

Spouse 2: Sorry I can't give you that thing any more. I know you really need it though and I always have. And I can see you're really unhappy without it because you've told me many times. Anywho. Let's just keep being married. 

 

I guess I can't relate to taking something off of the table, which is clearly a need, and not offering ways for my partner to meet that need within the confines of our relationship. Assuming I want my relationship to continue with a content partner.

[Mountain House]

21 minutes ago, RileyA said:

I guess I can't relate

Well, thanks for letting us know where you stand.

[RileyA]

6 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

Well, thanks for letting us know where you stand.

 

I suppose what I'm saying is that it's hard to understand how people still see that person as a loving, compassionate partner. It really doesn't matter what the need is and I feel like when it is not sex, nobody would ever see it as reasonable. 

[Mountain House]

1 hour ago, RileyA said:

I suppose what I'm saying is that it's hard to understand how people still see that person as a loving, compassionate partner. It really doesn't matter what the need is and I feel like when it is not sex, nobody would ever see it as reasonable. 

I don't think you need to understand how people define their relationships. Best we can do here is empathize and share where we can. Love and compassion don't require sex. I know my wife loves me and shows me compassion despite our having differing sexualities. Companionate love and relationships are valid relationships too.

 

Some here are stuck in sunk cost, some, like myself, absolutely value the relationship they have with their spouse. Where I can lean a little into the direction you are pointing is having a hard time with people keeping themselves in misery, but you and I have a perspective on relationships that is not mainstream and see flexibility where many won't.

 

Most here do understand after the first shock and post deep grief that where they are is where they choose. I can live with that.

 

Edited August 1, 2022 by Mountain House
It's great that there are others that value the relationship I have, but that's not what I meant. :D

[MidnightStar]

1 hour ago, RileyA said:

I suppose what I can't imagine in these situations is how the (long) conversation goes:

 

Spouse 1: I need that thing I always got from you when we started dating. It's part of why I dated you. 

 

Spouse 2: Sorry I can't give you that thing any more. I know you really need it though and I always have. And I can see you're really unhappy without it because you've told me many times. Anywho. Let's just keep being married. 

 

I guess I can't relate to taking something off of the table, which is clearly a need, and not offering ways for my partner to meet that need within the confines of our relationship. Assuming I want my relationship to continue with a content partner.

No that’s not how the conversation ‘goes’ you sad, miserable person … but nice try trying to subtly, in a round about way criticize myself and numerous people on the forum who are already hurting and trying to figure out how to keep their families together. Bravo 👏👏

[RileyA]

27 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

I don't think you need to understand how people define their relationships. Best we can do here is empathize and share where we can. Love and compassion don't require sex. I know my wife loves me and shows me compassion despite our having differing sexualities. Companionate love and relationships are valid relationships too.

 

Some here are stuck in sunk cost, some, like myself, absolutely value the relationship I have with my spouse. Where I can lean a little into the direction you are pointing is having a hard time with people keeping themselves in misery, but you and I have a perspective on relationships that is not mainstream and see flexibility where many won't.

 

Most here do understand after the first shock and post deep grief that where they are is where they choose. I can live with that.

 

I understand why both parties want and need to stay. I can empathize with that and I've taken proactive steps in my own life to try and reduce the likelihood that anyone has to stay in a relationship with me.

 

I can't empathize with not meeting a partner's core need, when it's established as a core need, and not being flexible in how they can meet it. 

 

45 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

Love and compassion don't require sex.

Sure, but this goes for any need. I just think people view it differently when that need is sex. People talk about it totally differently. 

 

10 minutes ago, MidnightStar said:

but nice try trying to subtly, in a round about way criticize myself and numerous people on the forum who are already hurting and trying to figure out how to keep their families together. Bravo 👏👏

 

This is just the sexual version of "how can you have sex with a partner who doesn't really want it?". It's the same principle. And yeah, it's something I wonder. 

 

While I think flexibility is not foolproof, whatever that flexibility or compromise looks like, I can't imagine being inflexible in that type of situation. Regardless of where the discord lies. 

 

Again, I don't see sex as any different to needing cuddles or meaningful discussion with a partner 

[Mountain House]

5 minutes ago, RileyA said:

I've taken proactive steps in my own life to try and reduce the likelihood that anyone has to stay in a relationship with me.

 

I can't empathize with not meeting a partner's core need, when it's established as a core need, and not being flexible in how they can meet it. 

Hey, that's a tone change. I like it.

 

8 minutes ago, RileyA said:

Sure, but this goes for any need. I just think people view it differently when that need is sex. People talk about it totally differently.

I don't know, trust is pretty big in the divorce world. Honesty, trust, communication - these seem like pillars. Hold out your hands:

• A liar that has sex with you.
• An honest cuddle buddy.

Which do you choose?

[MidnightStar]

@RileyA because  people change over time. I am no longer the same person I was when I got married at age 20. I didn’t even hear the term asexual until I was 35. You evolve as a human and discover more and more about yourself the older you get.  I grew up where if you wanted information you went to the library and looked in the card catalog you didn’t ‘Google it’. So no I didn’t know I was asexual until much later in life…. Congratulations on figuring yourself out sooner. Here’s your trophy 🏆My problem with your posts on this thread is you appear to be mocking those of us stuck in this particular situation. Not cool. Quite mean. Severely annoying 

[Mountain House]

3 hours ago, HiddenKS said:

 

Cheers man and hey, if you ever come across an attractive, lady married to an asexual man living in the KC metro area who needs someone to talk to then stop talking with them yourself, cancel the flight you booked within minutes of finding this unicorn, and let me know 😝. 

I'm assuming this is reciprocal.

 

I told my wife this when we started our conversation about opening. "It would be cool to find the contra-couple."

[RileyA]

49 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

Which do you choose?

I don't understand why they are the choices.

 

49 minutes ago, MidnightStar said:

My problem with your posts on this thread is you appear to be mocking those of us stuck in this particular situation.

Mocking? No. 

 

I just can't empathize with the inflexible party at all. Again, this goes for a range of issues where there is discord.

[MidnightStar]

14 minutes ago, RileyA said:

I don't understand why they are the choices.

 

Mocking? No. 

 

I just can't empathize with the inflexible party at all. Again, this goes for a range of issues where there is discord.

Cool, so you can’t empathize with a situation you’ve never been in and know nothing about. Thanks for letting us know 👏👏

[RileyA]

6 hours ago, MidnightStar said:

Cool, so you can’t empathize with a situation you’ve never been in and know nothing about. Thanks for letting us know 👏👏

 

I think most people have been in a situation where they can no longer meet a core need for a partner. Might not be sex but doesn't have to be. So yes, I've been in that situation, no I didn't continue the relationship without being flexible enough for them to meet that need within the confines of our relationship or ending it. Sometimes that meant vastly changing things from how I'd imagined they would be and taking me out of my comfort zone. 

 

So yes, been there, no, didn't just expect it to go away. 

 

 

[Guest]

12 hours ago, Mountain House said:

I'm assuming this is reciprocal.

 

I told my wife this when we started our conversation about opening. "It would be cool to find the contra-couple."

oh of course, no doubt it is reciprocal (crosses fingers). 

 

13 hours ago, MidnightStar said:

No that’s not how the conversation ‘goes’ you sad, miserable person … but nice try trying to subtly, in a round about way criticize myself and numerous people on the forum who are already hurting and trying to figure out how to keep their families together. Bravo 👏👏

You may take issue with what they said, but while we’re on the topic of feelings, sensitivity and all that jazz, their post isn’t that far off from what it feels like being married to an asexual. 
 

Well, except it isn’t a nice, clean and buttoned up discussion, but rather years long struggle mostly of silence and confusion. 
 

Anyway, if you’re truly considering perspectives here, the other side of what you’re dealing with does often feel like a kind of abused spouse syndrome.

[MidnightStar]

2 hours ago, HiddenKS said:

 

 

Anyway, if you’re truly considering perspectives here, the other side of what you’re dealing with does often feel like a kind of abused spouse syndrome.

I guess the part I am not understanding is why don’t you leave? You have a choice. Marriage is not a prison sentence. If my husband told me he had abused spouse syndrome because of my asexuality I would pull the plug myself and take steps towards separating. I don’t see that in him though. As hard as it is to believe, our life is a happy one.  I think you need to talk to your wife…. When it gets to the point of mental health issues something needs to change. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, MidnightStar said:

I guess the part I am not understanding is why don’t you leave? You have a choice. Marriage is not a prison. If my husband told me he had abused spouse syndrome because of my asexuality I would pull the plug myself and take steps towards separating. I don’t see that in him though. As hard as it is to believe, our life is a happy one.  I think you need to talk to your wife…. 

Come on now, you already know the multitude of reason why someone may not leave. Life ain’t that simple and any relationship based on perfect alignment is doomed to fail. 
 

My post was made in anger. I’m having a week here where this is really wearing on me. I’m not coming here posting about the opposite days of my life, nor all of the other range of emotions in between. 
 

Please, you already know relationships and marriage are more than a single if/then statement. 
 

 

[MidnightStar]

Just now, HiddenKS said:

Come on now, you already know the multitude of reason why someone may not leave. Life ain’t that simple and any relationship based on perfect alignment is doomed to fail. 
 

My post was made in anger. I’m having a week here where this is really wearing on me. I’m not coming here posting about the opposite days of my life, nor all of the other range of emotions in between. 
 

Please, you already know relationships and marriage are more than a single if/then statement. 
 

 

I know, I am sorry if my post came across harsh. I do know your pain as when kids and a mortgage and even pets are involved things get really complicated. You can’t easily separate m. And your right, you have every right to vent away. I just feel like if you were my husband I would want to ‘set you free’ because it would be hard to see you in such pain. 
 

i ‘think’ what helped my husband is knowing he had options. Firstly, he knows if we separate it won’t be messy and full of hate, it will be done with love and mutual understanding and we will remain friends. No cut throat divorce. Just quietly figuring things out together and walking away in peace.  Secondly, open marriage IS ok with me but it would be open on both sides. If he’s looking for a more compatible partner, I feel I should be allowed too. Lastly, we can easily do a trial separation. If he wants to see what’s out there we own an Airbnb where he can test out the single life, but we wil BOTH be considered single. He’s not chosen either separation or open marriage yet but I think knowing those options are there, makes him feel less ‘stuck’. I hope this helps. Best wishes. 

[SusannaC]

@HiddenKS

Well stated!   

[RileyA]

5 hours ago, HiddenKS said:

their post isn’t that far off from what it feels like being married to an asexual. 

 

I think anyone in a situation where someone is dismissive and inflexible of a core need is going to feel like that. 

 

Sometimes, people don't possess the language, self esteem or philosophy to know that they don't have to feel that way and they have valid enough reason to feel terminally unfulfilled . I'll say it again, especially when it comes to sex. 

 

Just hearing that sex (or another need) is as important as your spouse's need for communication and reliability can be life changing for some people.

[lovetolove]

@HiddenKSwow you've said everything that I've been feeling, I want to thank you for your heartfelt honesty and I really do hope that venting here has helped you and made you feel a little less alone.  I hear you and I feel you.  My story is very similar to yours except I'm a female sexual and my wife is asexual.  Not that we knew any of that before finding this site a couple of years ago, of course.   My first feelings after the bombshell discovery were of elation......there's nothing wrong with me! there's nothing wrong with her! We can let go of all the blame, shame, pain and heartache, we can stop arguing about sex and destroying ourselves and each other, we can just sit back now and get on with loving each other and enjoying our life together like we have done for all the past 18 years together, it'll all be easy peasy from now on.

 

And since then ....... she's skipping about happily, believing that I now truly understand and accept her for who she is, and she is released from believing that she is  "abnormal" or weird, or inhuman.....she is asexual and that's that, she no longer has to try to put into words her lack of sexual attraction or pretend to understand what sexual attraction is like.   And I do understand and I can and do accept her for who she is, and I now know that her lack of sexual attraction to me is nothing to do with me personally.    

 

But what about me?  I find myself feeling indescribably sad, so very very sad.  I will never, ever have what I need from the woman I love in terms of meeting my sexual needs and I have nobody to talk to about that, which is why I'm here.   I feel invisible.   We don't discuss "it".   What's the point?  She can't do anything to change how she feels, any more than I can change how I feel.  It's not even the lack of sex that makes me feel so sad, I can sort myself out, although I'd much prefer sex together rather than alone.  It's the dreadful loss, the loss of the joy, the vitality, the life-affirming power of desire.   And sometimes, I'm pissed too.  I get angry, seemingly over nothing.  I have little patience with anyone any more.  I don't much like what I'm turning into - an angry, bitter, non-empathetic person, raging against the world.    

 

I've a lot to be thankful for, I know.  I love and am loved in return.  But I'm pissed too, sometimes, and I get how you're feeling.   Maybe the girl you need is out there for real.  Maybe you'll pluck up courage to go look for that connection and maybe it will ease your pain.  It can't be any worse than it already is  ........can it?

[WZZ]

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Edited October 7, 2022 by WZZ
Delete

[lovetolove]

23 minutes ago, WZZ said:

I've wondered the same. Idk about you, but I'm also deathly afraid of losing this person whom I love, and this relationship that is in all other ways great, in a search for something that never comes. Worse than it currently is, is having nobody at all, rather than having something special, even with a major incompatibility.

 

Is that something you wonder/worry about too, were you to try to pursue total fulfillment?

I used to worry a lot about it.  Like you, I feel I have an awful lot to lose and I most definitely do not want to lose it .  But you know what, I'm coming around to thinking that maybe what I need is to try it.  I mean, to have a bit of a fling.  A sexual fling, no emotional attachment.  I've no interest in loving anyone else, leaving my dear life partner, losing what we have built together as two people who dearly love each other and even less interest at my age in starting over again in a new relationship.  We're sexually incompatible, that's true.  It's a major issue for me, that's true.  So - now I'm thinking, maybe I could do it without guilt?  I know what I need and want.  She wouldn't have to know.  I wouldn't hurt her intentionally for the world.   I love and respect her too much to put her in a position of feeling like sh oe has to give "permission".  

 

Do you know the funny thing?  I'm not at all sure that I would even be able to find someone - anyone?? - who would want to have sex with me now.....I feel my time is past.   That's sad.  Part of that feeling comes from not having known the feeling of being sexually desired and wanted for so very very long.   I know 80 year olds who are still enthusiastically pursuing sex in relationships and that's because they believe they are desirable.  I'm nowhere near that old, by the way !! 

 

Do you really think you would be finding total fulfilment?  It sounds like you already are very fulfilled in your relationship - there's just this one thing missing?  That's how I see it.  Not looking for or expecting anything other than raw, hot, thrilling, exciting sex.    Just  now and then.   Is that too much to ask, I wonder?  And, do you think it's possible to do that - or have that - in your life without sharing the experience with your beloved partner?  I tell her everything, she's my best friend, my confidante, my rock - but I'd have to keep this a secret.  Is that possible?  Hmmmm.    Lots to ponder.  What's your thoughts? 

[WZZ]

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Edited October 7, 2022 by WZZ
Delete

[Guest]

8 hours ago, lovetolove said:

It's the dreadful loss, the loss of the joy, the vitality, the life-affirming power of desire.   And sometimes, I'm pissed too.  I get angry, seemingly over nothing.  I have little patience with anyone any more.  I don't much like what I'm turning into - an angry, bitter, non-empathetic person, raging against the world.    

OMG @lovetolove I feel your words. Like I really feel them pounding in my chest. 
 

I’ll tell you though that posting that message above and the events that made me need to vent served as a catalyst. 
 

It is time for my trauma to be understood, and prioritized. 
 

Anyway, I’m going to bed now, but I’ll try to post something tomorrow. I reached one of my lowest points a couple weeks back, and now I’m clawing my way out. 
 

Thus far, I’m starting to feel liberated, and more alive than I have felt in many years. 

 

 

[RileyA]

8 hours ago, lovetolove said:

I used to worry a lot about it.  Like you, I feel I have an awful lot to lose and I most definitely do not want to lose it .  But you know what, I'm coming around to thinking that maybe what I need is to try it.  I mean, to have a bit of a fling.  A sexual fling, no emotional attachment.  I've no interest in loving anyone else, leaving my dear life partner, losing what we have built together as two people who dearly love each other and even less interest at my age in starting over again in a new relationship.  We're sexually incompatible, that's true.  It's a major issue for me, that's true.  So - now I'm thinking, maybe I could do it without guilt?  I know what I need and want.  She wouldn't have to know.  I wouldn't hurt her intentionally for the world.   I love and respect her too much to put her in a position of feeling like sh oe has to give "permission".  

 

Do you know the funny thing?  I'm not at all sure that I would even be able to find someone - anyone?? - who would want to have sex with me now.....I feel my time is past.   That's sad.  Part of that feeling comes from not having known the feeling of being sexually desired and wanted for so very very long.   I know 80 year olds who are still enthusiastically pursuing sex in relationships and that's because they believe they are desirable.  I'm nowhere near that old, by the way !! 

 

Do you really think you would be finding total fulfilment?  It sounds like you already are very fulfilled in your relationship - there's just this one thing missing?  That's how I see it.  Not looking for or expecting anything other than raw, hot, thrilling, exciting sex.    Just  now and then.   Is that too much to ask, I wonder?  And, do you think it's possible to do that - or have that - in your life without sharing the experience with your beloved partner?  I tell her everything, she's my best friend, my confidante, my rock - but I'd have to keep this a secret.  Is that possible?  Hmmmm.    Lots to ponder.  What's your thoughts? 

 

I'd never advise cheating. But if you are going to aim for sex without emotional attachment, I advise you stick to environments for recreational, anonymous sex like sex parties or swinging venues. Meeting someone privately for 1v1 sex is more likely to lead to the emotional intimacy you're planning to avoid.

[Guest]

17 hours ago, lovetolove said:

we can just sit back now and get on with loving each other and enjoying our life together like we have done for all the past 18 years together

 

@lovetolove - Ponder that for a minute. 18 years.... EIGHTEEN YEARS!!!! As you saw in my post, that is how long I've been married as well. That is a lifetime of feeling pain, resentment, not being heard, not being touched, felt, seen. That is a lot of thought, a lot of research that YOU (and like me it sounds like ONLY you) have spent on this. How old are you now, and how old will you be in 18 years? I got married when I was 24. I'm 42 now. In 18 years I will be 60. 

 

 

 

17 hours ago, lovetolove said:

I find myself feeling indescribably sad, so very very sad. 

 

 I feel invisible.   

 

We don't discuss "it".   

 

 It's the dreadful loss, the loss of the joy, the vitality, the life-affirming power of desire.   And sometimes, I'm pissed too.  I get angry, seemingly over nothing.  I have little patience with anyone any more.  I don't much like what I'm turning into - an angry, bitter, non-empathetic person, raging against the world. 

 

@lovetolove This is trauma, you and I have been traumatized over many, many years. Worse than our 'mere' trauma, you/we feel as if we are the bad guy simply for wishing, hoping, and longing for our feelings to be considered. We research to understand, we research to find peace. We talk and vent to strangers because we feel we have no one to talk to, no one to truly care about our feelings. Is your spouse on these boards? In eighteen years how often did she bring up your need for intimacy? How often did she, on her own come up with solutions, or make an attempt by her own volition in a conversation that was not started by you when you were trying to communicate the trauma you have suffered? 

 

Beyond being traumatized, this is abuse. We have been in pain. We have been in a relationship that is not what we thought we had agreed to; our feelings have been ignored, and when we attempt to put in the work, we feel as if we causing trouble in our relationship. 

 

How is this not abuse? Is it not abuse because they do not understand where we are coming from because they are asexual? You are a loving partner, sharing your pain on the internet. You are a loving partner attempting to understand the disconnect between the two of you? Is she doing the same? You are reading about asexuality. You are trying to understand her. You are looking for solutions. From your posts above, I am assuming your partner has done about as much as my wife. 

 

Do you have a dog? If so did you read any dog training books, or go to dog training classes? The sum of dog training is to praise the good, and ignore or don't give any attention to the bad. Do you recognize the similarities? Is your relationship like mine where we have been at our best between those periods where I have suppressed the pain to the point where I can ignore it, and enjoy our time together while she is living her best life. I research, I fret, I stress about bringing up my pain, while systematically, over many years, my trauma remains unaddressed, and ignored unless I bring it into focus till it is then ignored again; then once suppressed to the point where I can ignore it, I'm able to have fun with my vibrant wife. When my pain is pushed as deep inside me as it can be, my wife can laugh, smile, and joke with me and we can have a great relationship. 

 

Ignore the bad, praise the good. We have been trained like dogs  

 

Does the situation that some of our pain is because they have unresolved issues, that they has aspects of themselves they don't understand? Sure, all the nuances of life are what keep us with them, but never lose sight of the fact that you are trying to understand your pain, you are trying to understand where she is coming from, and you are yearning for a way to figure all of this out while she is not... unless you bring it up to her... and only up till the point until you suppress your needs.

 

Step one: Acknowledge that your trauma is real, it is valid, and deserves attention. 

 

My post above was done in anger, and it was the catalyst to force the true conversations, to acknowledge that I have been ignored, traumatized; that taken together, I have been an abused and neglected partner. Understand that whatever attempts have been made in the past have been unsuccessful. 

 

Step Two: Internalize and then verbalize the relationship you wanted, and the relationship they thought they were in is over. You can cut ties, move on and end it, or if you are committed to her, and she is committed to you, then this is day one of a new relationship of based on understanding and reciprocity. Your new relationship only has a chance to survive if there is a give and a take on both sides. Your new relationship will only have a chance to survive when you both can internalize it cannot and will not look like a standard relationship. 

 

Step three: Know that whatever path you go on may not be enough, neither of you know what the result will be, and you may fail. 

 

16 hours ago, lovetolove said:

So - now I'm thinking, maybe I could do it without guilt? 

 

NO! You are here because of guilt. You are here because of trauma, and you are here because of abuse. Her failure to communicate with you, research her stuff, and understand the pain she has caused has gotten you here, yet you are the one who feels guilty to expect your feelings to be cared for. You and I will feel guilty even when we shouldn't, so you can be damn sure that we will feel a helluva more guilt if we do something deceitful. 

 

I will make another post as an update on how my post above was a catalyst, but since this is already getting long and I need to work, I will save that for later. 

 

16 hours ago, lovetolove said:

Do you know the funny thing?  I'm not at all sure that I would even be able to find someone - anyone?? - who would want to have sex with me now.....I feel my time is past.

 

Again, I'll make another post about this. I have not had sex with another yet, but I have made attempts to date, connected with people, and gone on a couple of dates with more upcoming. In short, wow... I knew I was in pain, but I didn't truly know how much this trauma had changed me. I had no idea, until I got a hint of something different how many aspects of being were affected by all of this. 

 

16 hours ago, lovetolove said:

there's just this one thing missing? 

 

No... do not let anyone tell you that this is simply about carnal animal desires, and that we as humans should be 'better' than that. You have lacked a type of intimacy that makes you feel loved for 18 years. Knowing someone loves you and feeling they love you are not the same thing. These forums can help you understand an asexuals perspective, but as you will never know them, they will never know you, and do not for one second allow any post to make you ever think that it is just this one thing. The last time your partner let you have sex with her, did you feel loved? Did you feel the intimacy you crave? Or was it at best giving a piece of crusty bread to someone dying of hunger? 

 

16 hours ago, lovetolove said:

but I'd have to keep this a secret.  Is that possible?  Hmmmm.    Lots to ponder.  What's your thoughts? 

NO! You do not. You only think this because you lack reciprocity. 

 

Okay... will make another post later. I'm sure folks will respond in the interim, probably assume I am going in a different direction I am in this. People will probably thing that I am still angry, but oh well. All emotions are valid, and good/bad is determined by what we do with them. next post later will be more about at least what I did with this next (but I gotta get some work done this morning). 

 

All the best! 

[The big pupper]

So many of these posts ring true for me.

Have been married for thirty-three years. My sex life consisted of masterbation and guilty cheating. Intercourse with my wife was originally on Saturday morning for fifteen minutes, then once a month or longer. I can count on one hand the number of times there was sex not on a Saturday.

The last three years we have not touched in any manner.

 

An interesting aside: we are orthodox Christians and our priest is married with three children. He very much believes in a loving, intimate relationship between spouses and promotes the song of solomon. 

I told him our story in confession. He wanted to "council" us. He did not understand that it is a life and not a choice.